A warning for men, a riot for the Turks and a barbecue grill injury for the Chicago Cubs

- The 2007 season hasn’t gone as expected for the Chicago Cubs. The team handed out $300 million worth of contracts in the offseason to sparkly, shiny free agent stars like Alfonso Soriano, but the Cubbies currently sit at 10-13 and are tied for last place in the NL Central. So it didn’t help matters when one of the team’s most effective relief pitchers, right-hander Bob Howry, decided to go World’s Strongest Man on his barbecue grill and injured his back in the process. Howry was looking to move his grill from one spot to another on his back porch, but he didn’t want the hassle of removing the grill’s cover so he could roll it on the wheels attached at the bottom of the unit. Instead, he tried to dead lift the grill and wrenched his back, making him unavailable to pitch for the Cubs over the weekend. Look Bob, I don’t care how many WSM reruns you watch and how many kegs, cast iron stoves and giant metal spheres you see Magnus Von Vernormansson of Sweden toss around, you are not a roided-up strongman, you’re a relief pitcher. Take the extra minute to remove the grill cover so you can use the wheels and roll the thing where you need it. If something is big and unwieldy enough that they stick wheels on it, you need to use them. Keep this in mind so I don’t hear about you being lost for the season because you tried to bench press a treadmill or washing machine and ended up in traction, my man.

- Something’s been lacking in my political world lately, and I’ve finally put my finger on it: a large-scale protest/social disturbance combo. Thankfully Turkish citizens have come to the rescue, with more than 700,000 of them taking to the streets in Istanbul to demand the resignation of the current administration. First, major points to the Turks for aiming high; demanding the resignation of your entire government takes testicular fortitude, so that’s a good start. The protestors believe that the strong Islamic leanings of the current rulers in the country are seriously threatening Turkey’s modern foundations. Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan is a main target of both the protestors and Turkey’s secular military because they believe he is too tolerant of radical Islamic factions. One protestor, a retired government employee named Ahmet Yurdakul, explained it thusly: “They want to drag Turkey back into the dark ages.” In that case, Turkey’s leaders should join up with Vladimir Putin, who seems poised to do the same thing to Russia. That’s in stark contrast to the United States, where our leader doesn’t want to drag us back into the dark ages, he’s simply in the dark. The rally in Turkey took place one day after Erdogan’s administration’s rejection of the military’s warning about the country’s disputed presidential election and called it interference that is unacceptable in a democracy. Ah, the joy of unilateral rule and an overbearing fascist in power, nothing quite like it. However, if you’ve pissed off your citizens to the extent that nearly three-quarters of a million of them are willing to turn out for a protest, it’s time to reconsider how you are ruling your nation, Mr. Erdogan. The Turkish protestors do lose points for failure to riot (burn cars, loot, pillage, etc.) and to physically clash with police, but overall not a bad effort, I’ll grade it a solid B+.

- There used to be 8,744 reasons to avoid eating Taco Bell food for any reason, and now there are only 8,743 reasons. Seems the fast food giant has decided to cease using trans fats, which are notoriously unhealthy for your arteries and circulatory system, and move toward “healthier” alternatives like canola and soybean oils. While I do applaud the Bell and any other restaurant that tries to improve the health value of its foods, don’t expect me to be munching on any bean burritos or chili cheese burritos any time soon. Trans fats or not, Taco Bell food is still the most questionable food-like item on the market today, because even without the trans fats I’m not sure what half of those substances in your average TB item are. I know what they’re supposed to be - beef, chicken, beans, unidentifiable gelatinous goo with a reddish hue - but I’m just not sure that’s what all of those things actually are. For the well being of my digestive system and vital organs, I’m going to keep on avoiding any meals at Taco Bell. I do have to ask what sense it makes for Taco Bell to make its food healthier, though, because are the people who regularly eat there really the type who are extremely concerned about the nutritional value of their food? I’m gonna answer a firm no on that one.

- This just in…..Larry King can't even sit through a movie….he’s supposed to review movies…..it’s a part of his job….along with…..typing short bursts of words…..followed by a series of small dots….but he’s unable….to make it through….a whole movie. Even after being criticized for the practice…..of making phone calls…..during movies he’s supposed to review…..King persists in doing so…..and when his wife went to a movie screening with him recently…..she did the same thing. Also, King left before the movie ended……but he told a friend….to let him know….how the movie ended. Ok, those dots are driving me nuts, now I remember why I make it a point of not ever reading Larry King. But is it too much to ask that when part of your job is sitting on your butt, watching movies and then telling people what you think, that you stay for the entire movie? If it’s late and you need to go home and get to bed because you’re old, then step aside and allow someone who can stay up past 9:30 to review the movie instead. Should you find the movie dull or uninteresting, then watch the whole thing anyhow and then eviscerate it in your review. I don’t see Peter King leaving NFL games in the third quarter and telling someone to let him know how it ended, nor do I see Buster Olney skipping out in the sixth inning of baseball games and then trying to give me his opinion on the whole game. Get it together, Larry, it’s really not that taxing to spend two hours watching a movie….anyone over the age of ten……can do it….

- Warning time for all guys out there: You’re going to want to make sure that you find something to do the next two nights that will provide a valid excuse not to go with your wife, fiancé or girlfriend when she tries to drag you to the theater to see the special two-night revival of Dirty Dancing. To celebrate the über-chick flick’s 20th anniversary, select theaters nationwide will be showing the film on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and if you’re a guy with any sort of self-esteem and manliness quotient, you’ll do everything you can to keep from going to see it. Reliving a couple of the most painful hours of your life (if you’ve seen it before) through awful ‘80s music, terrible dialogue, subpar acting and the sight of a dude in tights is definitely on the list of ten worst things to experience in life. Even if your significant other demands you go see this movie in exchange for her agreeing to go see action favorite Spiderman 3 when it comes out on Friday, hold out. Better to go see the web-slinging warrior by yourself than to be subjected to the torture of seeing Patrick Swayze butcher dialogue that your average fourth-grader could write.

- Apparently the fighting German spirit no longer exists, not if you take a look at the underwhelming, white flag-waving comments made by Dallas Mavericks’ forward Dirk Nowitzki before arguably the biggest game of his team’s season to this point. Facing a 2-1 series deficit in the best-of-seven opening round of the NBA playoffs, Nowitzki astonishingly admitted that if his team, sporting a top seed and the best regular-season record in the NBA, lost Game 4 that their season was pretty much over. I don’t see how a guy who is his team’s undisputed leader and the overwhelming favorite to win the MVP award says something like that, but the sneering German import did just that. Nothing like throwing in the towel before a crucial game, when your team needs you to lead and inspire it. What says confidence in your teammates more than conceding defeat when a series isn't even over? Are we sure that Dirk is German and not French, because surrender is something the latter group tends to specialize in when conflict comes. The Mavericks did lose the game in question, but even down 3-1 they still have a chance to win the series by taking the next three games, two of them on their home court. But if you believe Dirk, there’s no need to play those games because the series is already over anyhow. The NBA, it’s quit-tastic.

Why W. doesn't understand success, why B. Spears isn't fooling anyone and why Pam Anderson is something of a Houdini

- I smell a winner, folks! Remember that elusive concept of victory in Iraq? Well, it appears that the W. administration really doesn’t have any idea what victory and success actually mean. In a sample of eight rebuilding projects for Iraq that had been declared successes by the worst presidential administration in American history, inspectors for a federal oversight agency have found that seven of the eight sampled projects were no longer operating due to plumbing and electrical failures, lack of proper maintenance, looting and equipment that is simply sitting around unused. These are the successes people, the projects that have supposedly been completed and are working properly. So the Bush administration wants us to believe that it is capable of judging when we’ve won the battle in Iraq and when success has been achieved and this is the evidence they have of their competence? If outright, abysmal failures are considered successes by these bozos, then what conclusions can be drawn about the overall status of the war when those in charge are willing to admit that it isn't going well? I’ve been advocating the impeachment of W. for months now, but it may be time to change my tune and call for the institution of a new procedure under which not only is the president impeached, but every single person in his administration is impeached as well. For the duration of W.’s term, just govern by a strategy that has to be more effective than what we’ve been getting, a strategy I like to call “Rock, paper, scissors: International Political Edition.”

- Boy, the Democratic presidential candidates didn’t even have to think for this one, bonus! In discussing the current debacle in Iraq at the California state Democratic weekend, the Democratic hopefuls for the 2008 nomination took their respective shots at our intelligence-depraved leader W. and made promises about how they would end the Mess-O’-Potamia. Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hank Clinton both weighed in, with Obama stating that he will “turn the page on the Iraq disaster” if elected (Sold! Can we forego the campaign BS and elect him now?), and Hank Clinton calling W.’s act “one of the darkest blots on leadership we’ve ever had.” What, you mean worse than that infamous blot your husband Bubba left on Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress? Sorry Hank, but you know you’re a thoroughly unlikable candidate if you can rip W. like that and denounce the war but still have me despising you. Being asked to weigh in on the war has to be the easiest question for any potential Democratic candidate right now, they don’t even need to consult their “Idiot’s Guide to Campaigning” or huddle up with their team of advisors for that one. If you can't figure out a way to lambaste the fiasco in Iraq in a campaign speech, you’re not qualified to operate a can opener, let alone be our next president.

- The NFL Draft is over, and as much as I loved the festivities, one thing I am eternally grateful for is that I won't have to see those Coors light fake press conference commercials with old NFL coaches anymore. If you watched even one hour of the draft, you know what I’m talking about because you saw at least four or five installments of those ads, featuring ex-NFL coaches like Bill Walsh, Dick Vermeil and Mike Ditka. I actually liked these commercials, which feature “average fan” characters in press conferences, asking silly questions to which the coaches respond with answers that are football-related and serious, but are humorous when juxtaposed against the questions from the fans. I use the past tense in saying I liked them, because this weekend, they were run into the ground to the extent that I now loathe them. Funny is only funny so many times in a short span, then it becomes downright annoying. Coors Light would have been smart to, I don’t know, mix it up and show commercials other than the ones from this particular series, because if I were a big beer drinker, I would specifically buy any other brand right now out of spite. Yeah, you’re trying to appeal to football fans with these ads, but believe it or not, football fans can also enjoy commercials that feature other themes. Just sayin’………………

- Pamela Anderson has always been a magician, it’s just that now she’s being officially cast for a role in a magic show. This is the woman who has introduced the amazing appearing career via taking her clothes off, the magical instant DD-cup boobs, the disappearing/reappearing/disappearing again marriage and the magical ability to appear in not one, but two of the worst “action” series in TV history (V.I.P. and Baywatch for those of you keeping track). Now, Pammy will be featured in the new Las Vegas show The Beauty of Magic after Carmen Electra pulled out of the gig. Well if a talented, accomplished actress like Carmen was originally in the role, you know it’s a good one. The show begins June 2 at the Planet Hollywood casino, and although Anderson’s role has yet to be defined, I’ll go out on a limb and say it involves her wearing very little clothing and doesn’t rely heavily on her ability to do dialogue. Stick to your strengths, Pam, use your two biggest assets (and I do mean big) and you’ll be fine. This should be the first-ever magic show in Vegas to attract an all male audience between the ages of 18-49, that’s for sure.

- Britney Spears is pulling a page out of the New Kids on the Block playbook, and I think we can all agree that if you’re going that route, you’ve got serious problems. The teeny bopper, dancing-in-unison, matching-outfit-wearing original man banders of New Kids on the Block ran through their 15 minutes of fame in the ‘90s and went away for a while, only to attempt a comeback by “fooling” people through a name change to N.K.O.T.B. Yeah, that was a clever one, no one was going to realize who they actually were. Spears is trying the same tactic, desperately attempting to revive her death-spiraling career by performing a series of California gigs under the name M+Ms. The idea of M+Ms. is Spears and a few backup dancers, who are hopefully all female because I think everyone knows what happened with a certain male backup dancer and Spears……..but I digress. Sorry, Brit, but just as Pauly Shore could change his name to Marlon Brando Hoffman and still be the worst actor in the history of the world, changing your stage name doesn’t mean you can sing, it doesn’t mean you’re not insane and it doesn’t mean that you’re not still the biggest musical joke this side of American Karaoke. I look for you to be posing in Playboy within the next year or so and running through another marriage or two in the next couple of years, so now is not the time to lose focus and try to pretend that you have any chance of being a legitimate musician.

The real source of steroids in baseball, what Bush administration staffers hire hookers for and a great time capsule prank

- In trying to crack the steroids scandal in Major League Baseball, it appears those investigating have been looking in the wrong place. Questioning players and former players was the wrong choice, because as I’m sure everyone now realizes, it’s the equipment managers and clubhouse assistants who truly wield the power in the world of performances enhancing drug distribution. Don’t believe me? Take the story of former New York Mets clubhouse employee Kirk Radomski as evidence. Radomski has pleaded guilty to distributing performance-enhancing drugs to dozens of major league players between 1995 and 2005, including anabolic steroids, human growth hormone, Clenbuterol, amphetamines and other drugs given to dozens of current and former MLB players. Under the terms of his plea agreement, Radomski faces up to 25 years in prison and $500,000 in fines. Investigators are hopeful that he will be a resource through which they can discover other suppliers and participants in baseball’s steroid market. Actually, if you look at this objectively, a clubhouse attendant being responsible for steroid supplying and distribution makes perfect sense. These guys are gofers for the players, doing everything from picking up their dry cleaning to getting their cars washed. They do the menial tasks for the millionaire athletes, and what’s more of a dirty work task than supplying illegal performance-enhancing drugs? This may not be the place most people expected to crack into the steroid issue, but at this point it doesn’t much matter where the crack in the wall is, investigators need to exploit it and start taking people down wherever they can. Steroids have no place in sports and the more cheaters that can be caught and removed from the game, the better.

- Didn’t know that Mormons loved their guns so much, but I guess they do. As debates kick up about security and safety on college campuses in light of the tragedy at Virginia Tech, resident of Utah are proudly touting their state’s one-of-a-kind law that allows for the carrying of concealed weapons on all college campuses in the state. Utah is the only state with such a law, and citizens and elected officials in Utah are proudly proclaiming the value of this law in their state. Allow me to disagree with you, my Utah homies, because allowing drunken frat boys, jocks with a sub-2.00 GPA and flaky drama majors to come to campus strapped doesn’t seem to make your campus safer, it just seems like a recipe for increased carnage in the occurrence of a shooting. Across the nation, 38 states have laws on the books banning guns in schools and 16 of those states explicitly ban guns on college campuses, but in Utah, it’s textbooks, pens, notebook paper and your pistol apparently. “If the government can't protect you, you should have the right to protect yourself,” claimed Republican state. Sen. Michael Waddoups. Waddouos’ contention that if the government can't protect you, you should be allowed to protect yourself is erroneous. The more guns that are placed in the hands of people who aren't experts at handling them, the more dangerous a campus becomes. If a shooter bursts into a building on a campus in Utah, you’re telling me that a dozen students with minimal firearms training and experience pulling out their guns and shooting is going to make things safer? This isn't the OK Corral, people, it’s college, so maybe hire extra security guards, drop in some metal detectors and mandate regular mental health screenings for students instead of allowing them to carry a concealed weapon to class. More guns isn't the answer to any problem, unless you’re fighting an actual war.

- The NFL Draft is a beast, one of the central events in what is now the most popular professional sport in America. Still, is it too much to ask that the first round of the draft be completed in under six hours? The first round of this year’s draft took six freaking hours and 20 freaking minutes, which is absurd. I know teams are investing tens of millions of dollars in these guys, but if you can't wrap things up in under six hours, maybe you aren't qualified to be making high-pressure decisions and should step aside for someone more qualified. On the upside, it was nice to see the interview with Omar Epps now that he’s presiding over his first draft as head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers? Don’t believe me? Just check out these two photos www.media.scout.com/Media/Image/28/288906.jpg and http://tv.yahoo.com/omar-epps/contributor/30786/photos/1;_ylt=AkW_59Ih80zzvevfz.5V31Ogo9EF and you tell me that isn't the same dude in both of them. I do need to caution Omar/Mike Tomlin that the chin-strap, linear beard is ugly and creepy whether you’re a movie actor or an NFL coach, so maybe get rid of that thing before it kills your chances to star in the next crappy boxing movie Meg Ryan signs to make.

- Times may change, but college students acting like immature goof-offs doesn’t. By the way, I’m not cracking on this phenomenon; it’s a decidedly good thing, because too many people take themselves far too seriously, especially at colleges and universities. So I was glad to read a story about the University of Washington unearthing a time capsule left by the Class of ’57 and finding the normal items such as audio tapes and copies of the 1957 school yearbook and………….a condom a pair of dirty underwear and 1980s-era porn. Yeah, some intrepid prankster found the time capsule placed inside the wall of the university’s Communication Building and slipped in those extra items. Nice to know that there are still college students out there with an Animal House-type spirit.

- Alberto Gonzales must have been starting to feel lonely, hung out to dry as a Bush administration sycophant/official under intense scrutiny for alleged misdeeds and misconduct. Thus Randall Tobias, head of the administration’s foreign aid programs, has stepped in with a scandal of his own to take some of the heat off of Gonzales. Tobias’ name has come up in an investigation of a high-priced call-girl ring in our nation’s capital. Tobias has admitted to calling the Pamela Martin and Associates Skanks for Hire firm (not the official name, of course, but close enough), but he says he only hired escort/skanks to come to his condo and give him massages. Sure, because that’s what most men who hire hookers/escorts do, have them give massages. I assume these were deep tissue, therapeutic massages to help with muscle tightness and back problems Tobias has been experiencing. Either that or massage is a new euphemism for some sort of freaky, kinky sex act that we’re better off not imagining a 65-year-old senior government official taking part in. The fact that Tobias immediately resigned when his name surfaced in conjunction with the investigation doesn’t make him look at all suspicious either, right? This administration is just full of winners and future Mensa members, top to bottom………

Dog fighting rings, bad news on war spending legislation and what we've all been waiting for, the demise of the worst TV show of the last decade

- Mike Vick has already built a checkered reputation for himself, what with the obscene gesture to fans leaving the field after a game last season, taking a bong/designer water bottle through Atlanta airport security and of course, refusing to pose for a picture with me last March when we were on the same late-night flight from the ATL to Newport News, Va. When in possession of a rep like the one Vick has built, here’s one thing you’re going to want to avoid: having the cops raid a house you own in house in Virginia and finding dozens of emaciated and neglected dogs and evidence of a dog fighting ring. To be fair, Vick doesn’t live at the house, but his name is on the deed, so even if it’s his cousin who lives there, M. Vick is going to get dragged into this. Police are funny like that; they tend to be pretty concerned with the legal owner of a property or vehicle when that property or vehicle is involved in criminal activity, regardless of whether the owner is present at the time. Flat out, whoever is responsible for this mess is absolutely reprehensible and should be ashamed. There are many things you can do with dogs - play with them, go hunting with them, use them to fetch things, use them to assist blind people, use them at hospitals to brighten the day of sick patients, etc. - but having them fight one another to the death is not an acceptable option. Neither is refusing to feed them, because dogs kind of rely on humans for food, what with not having opposable thumbs and being able to cook their own meals. Not a lot is asked of pet owners to be honest, and as long as you feed your pet, provide a reasonably clean living space for them and don’t physically abuse them or force them to fight other animals to the death, no one is going to bother you. Vick should learn a lesson from this as well, namely that when your name is on a legal document as the owner of anything, you had better know what’s going on with your personal property.

- Crap. That’s my initial response to the news that the new spending bill for the Iraq war only passed the Senate by a 51-46 vote. Those 51 votes are 16 shy of the two-thirds majority needed to override the impending presidential veto, meaning we’re almost certainly one step closer to Congress conceding in some fashion to W.’s demands for funds to finance his own personal Vietnam and to do so without setting any sort of time table for ending this whole debacle of a war. The veto will mean a removal of the troop-withdrawal language, but Democrats are exploring ways to put pressure on W. and the Iraqi government in order to facilitate American troop withdrawal from the war sooner rather than later. Kudos to White House spokesman Dana Perino for continuing to bury his head in the sand on the matter and declare that, “What the president asked for is for the Congress to give - and for the American people to give - this plan a chance to work.” Umm, D-Man, doesn’t waiting more than three years with no real progress count as “giving it a chance to work”? And in order for us to give the plan a chance to work, doesn’t there need to be some sort of a plan in place? Kinda hard to give a plan a shot when there is no plan and no progress has been made in any particular direction, unless that direction is getting thousands of American soldiers needlessly killed fighting a contrived, presidentially created conflict that should have never even started. Still counting down the days to inauguration of our new president in January 2009, only a few hundred more to go……….

- Baseball fans need a feel-good story right about now, with noted cheat and bitterman Bar-roid Bonds just weeks from breaking the all-time home run record thanks to his years of using beef ‘roids and chlomid. Look no further than the Bronx for that positive story, courtesy of the most overpaid roster of underachievers in professional sports, the New York Yankees. Now if I were paying a group of guys a total of $250 million in salary, I might want something better than an 8-12 record and a last place spot in the AL East in return, but maybe George Steinbrenner is different. You’d assume Big Stein is pissed about his team’s lackluster start, even as everyone outside the Bronx cheers wildly at the failure of the team they love to loathe. The Boss has a history of blow-ups when his Yankees falter, but so far he hasn’t made a single public statement about this season. Perhaps a Mount Vesuvius-like eruption is imminent, but anyone who’s ever had to watch the Yankees rip a high-priced free agent or buy a player that their own team wanted just because of Big Stein’s deep pockets is rejoicing right now and clipping today’s standings out to blow up and post on their wall. Sadly, this trend isn't going to continue the whole season, but oh man if it did……..well, a guy can dream. But the Yankees will find their collective stride and at season’s end, they at least won't be looking up in the standings at the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. For now, enjoy the sight of not one, not two but four teams perched above the hated Yanks in the standings and count the first month of the MLB season as an unequivocal success because of it.

- There are times in life when your opinion just doesn’t matter. For example, perhaps you are the groom-to-be and in planning the wedding, you have concerns over certain details of the big day that your future wife is set on. You can voice your concerns if you want, but ultimately you’re not winning that battle. Another such time would be if you are a Venezuelan citizen who took part in a poll about President Hugo Chavez’s plan to kick an opposition-aligned television station off of the country’s airwaves. Two-thirds of those polled opposed Chavez’s plan, which means two things: 1) when those people mysteriously disappear in the coming weeks and are never heard from again, we’ll know why, and 2) that Chavez will take delight in knowing that his dictatorial, unilateral decree will piss off about two-thirds of his citizens and they can't do a thing about it. The chief lament among those polled is that the decision will infringe upon their right to choose what they watch, a cry that is going to fall on deaf ears. In fact, when Chavez and Vlad Putin meet up at the next Fascist Dictator Summit in a few months, I’m sure they’ll have a good laugh about this one.

- I’d like to know what Miss America’s problem is. Current titleholder Lauren Nelson just doesn’t get what being a beauty queen is all about, because for some reason she is intent on conducting herself with dignity and class and putting her influence behind the noble cause of catching Internet predators of children. Nelson will appear on a special show with America’s Most Wanted host John Walsh showing a series of perverts who responded to online photos of Nelson used to lure predators/sexual deviants who thought they were hooking up with a teenage girl. They showed up, a la To Catch a Predator, and were bagged by the cops. Why can't Nelson take the lead of beauty queens like Tara Conner and her friend, the former Miss Teen USA, and give us some skanky Internet pics, reports of her boozing it up at a club, hooking up with other chicks and acting like a slutty sorority girl? Is it too much to ask that you act as irresponsibly and out of control as possible, L.? What is this world coming to when Miss America has the gall to be noble, poised and classy and to neglect partying nonstop in order to wage a campaign against online sexual predators? This is truly a dark, dark day for America.

- In case you were wondering, the next musician to whore out his or her musical career and associate with American Karaoke will be Jon Bon Jovi. JBJ was already on thin ice with music fans that aren't still perming their hair to ginormous proportions and living in the ‘80s, and appearing on a glorified karaoke contest should be the fatal blow to his credibility. Part of me wants to embrace the rubbernecker mentality and tune in to see the impending wreck that will ensue when the talentless hacks on the show try to recreate some of JBJ’s tunes, but a little something called dignity, self-respect and an aversion to ear-assaulting crap will help me to steer clear of this ten-car pile-up in the making.

- Someone had better make sure 7th Heaven is really dead this time. About this time last year, the WB promised over and over that our television nightmare was almost over and that the trite, preachy, sappy, sugary sweet family values infomercial masked as a drama that is 7th Heaven was ending. Yet when the CW took over, combining UPN and WB programming under one incompetent, leaky umbrella, the show was resuscitated in unarguably the worst show renewal decision in television history bar none. In the process, a great show (Everwood) lost its spot and millions of TV fans with IQ’s above 40 were crushed. Now, the CW is claiming that 7th Heaven really is going to die, and you’ll have to pardon me if I don’t believe them. Frankly, I’m willing to make sure this really happens and do it in person if necessary. I’ll fly out to California, douse the entire sound stage, all of the props, sets and wardrobes with gasoline and bust out a blowtorch to burn up every last vestige of this dying, decaying piece of crap. The show stopped being relevant or watchable five or six years ago, and its return killed my beloved Everwood, so 7th Heaven can't die soon enough or in a big enough ball of flame. Adios, you worthless hunk of garbage, it’s more than half a decade overdue.

Uptight administrators at Princeton, a black market for Twinkies and a show cancellation that doesn't upset me

- Hey, finally a new show that I didn’t get into got canceled, sweet! The new series drive, a supposedly fast-paced story of a cross country race featuring a collection of characters from different walks of life, was yanked after only two episodes by FOX, which has to be close to setting a new record for the brevity of a TV series on network television. I’ll be honest; I only watched a few minutes of the show and found it to be pretty bland, scatter-brained and uninteresting, and most of America was equally unimpressed with it as evidenced by its abysmal ratings. However, I am super pumped that finally a show has been unceremoniously dumped from the airwaves and it’s one I didn’t actively follow. I think, though, that networks should be forced to create promos for the cancellation of new shows in direction proportion to the amount of hype and promos they cranked out promoting the shows before they debuted. If a network runs promos for two months for a new show and fills them with exciting clips from the show and quotes from critics raving about how great it is, that same network should have to put together promos on the show’s cancellation featuring clips of the atrocious dialogue, bad acting and half-baked action sequences that made the show so unwatchable. Mix in a few scathing critiques of the show from those same critics who now hate the show and you’ve got a suitable punitive measure for the networks for foisting such an unwatchable turd of a show on us. If you spent two months telling me how amazing New Show X is and that I absolutely must see it, then you can spend two months after you cancel it admitting that you were wrong and that the show sucked.

- Here’s proof positive that some people get what college is supposed to be about (fun, freedom and experiencing new and different things) and some people don’t. First, we have a campus administrator at the hallowed, ivy-covered Princeton University shutting down this year’s campus milk chugging contest because he claimed the 30 participants were causing too much of a ruckus as they downed 1 percent, two percent and chocolate milk. Yeah, because that’s a real concern on campus is too much noise being made in a dining hall. It’s a freaking college campus, Mr. College Administrator, so remove the stick from up your butt and learn to relax. Unless the students are spiking their milk with gin or vodka and smashing dining room chairs over one another’s heads, you need to leave them alone. Let them drink milk, and let them drink it in massive quantities so we can know who the true champion is on campus. As for those who do understand what college is supposed to be about, a trio of University of Maryland professors decided to have a little fun at the expense of a colleague who had previously taught at Duke before coming to UM. Right before the first Maryland-Duke men’s basketball game of this past season, the three pranking professors stole a Duke lawn chair from the office of this professor and began hitting him up with ransom notes accompanied by pictures of the chair in “compromising” positions. The prank culminated last week when the three pranksters burst in on one of their colleague’s classes and held a mock trial for the chair for its “crimes.” The chair was found innocent on all charges by reason of insanity, in case you were wondering. Why can't we have more professors and college officials like this, and less like the anal, uptight prick at Princeton? I would have loved to have profs like these three for my college classes, it might have made subjects like geology and politics in Third World countries slightly more palatable.

- Vaya con dios, Mark Prior. The perpetually injury-plagued Chicago Cubs pitcher is officially done for the 2007 season, courtesy of his most recent shoulder surgery. Prior is also believed to done with the Cubs, period if you believe analysts who predict that at the end of this season, the team will cut Prior loose and move on with players who can actually stay healthy. It’s sad to see it end this way for a guy who was supposed to be an annual 20-game winner, but it’s the right move for the Cubs. General manager Jim Hendry offered this nugget of optimistic, sunny thinking about the situation: “Dr. Andrews feels comfortable that he will still have a career.” Wow, that’s incredibly inspiring, that Prior can still “have a career.” Dr. Andrews would be James Andrews, the renowned surgeon who performs operations on many athletes with major ligament and joint injuries. According to a statement from the good doctor, Andrews performed a debridement of Prior's rotator cuff and repaired labral and capsular injuries in the shoulder. I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t sound good because any time the rotator cuff is involved in a surgery, that’s a major problem. Hendry obviously can't come right out and say that Prior is done with the team because teams are always tight-lipped about these sorts of situations, but Prior is a near-lock to be jettisoned by the Cubs after this season. The team cannot keep throwing money at a guy whose health continues to deteriorate and who can’t even stay healthy at age 26.

- The Recording Industry Association of America has been on a lawsuit rampage the past year or so, unleashing its legal fury on college students who continue to give the middle finger to federal piracy laws by “illegally” downloading music files. I use quotation marks for the word illegally because I still contend that if you have a music file and you want to share it, you should be able to without penalty. Still, the RIAA persists in haranguing college students (like they’re going to get any money from broke college kids) and the Director of Student Legal Services at North Carolina State University is coming to the aid of students who are being sued by the RIAA. She is offering legal counsel to the students as they fight the lawsuits, which is good because: 1) the lawsuits are bogus, and 2) when you’re dining on ramen noodles, sleeping on a broke-down futon and digging through your dirty clothes to find something semi-wearable because you don’t have the change to go do your laundry, you really can’t afford to spend a couple hundred bucks an hour paying for

an attorney. Oh, and the RIAA can sue all it wants, but it is not going to ever bring an end to illegal downloading and sharing of music, because I know there are millions of people like me out there who aren't going to abandon the practice.

- When Congress comes after your Twinkies, moon pies, Ding Dongs and Mountain Dew, you know civil rights are under attack. Sadly, that’s exactly what may happen to our nation’s youth as Congress has asked the Institute of Medicine to develop new nutritional standards for foods and beverages for sale in the cafeterias of our nation’s schools. Amidst fear that our uber-fatty population is comprised of too many chubby children, Congress has decided that not only should foods and beverages regulated under federal school lunch program standards be subjected to nutritional scrutiny, but foods sold out of school vending machines need to be evaluated as well. But isn't that part of the fun of being a kid, eating junk food and being able to wolf down pizza, Doritos, cupcakes, candy bars and ice cream and not feel guilty about it? I’ll concede that America is disgustingly fat, but it’s not fair for Congress to legislate healthy eating. If they can take away our Ho-Ho’s, what can't they rip from us? Americans need to eat healthier, but it needs to be their choice to do so. Kids who aren't old enough to know better need to have parents or guardians who explain to them that having a double chin is a bad idea. Setting new standards for the amount of calories, fat and sugar in any food sold in schools is only going to cause problems. You’ll create a black market for Twinkies and those little powdered donuts and have kids selling a six-pack of mini Oreos out of their locker for an inflated price of $5. Fifth graders nationwide will be jumping fellow students in back hallways and beating them up for the Ring Dings that they brought from home because the school will no longer sell them. Is this the kind of mayhem and violence you want on your conscience, Congress? I think not………

- Every single sports analyst, show host, critic or commentator who has spent more than two seconds debating the dragged-up-from-the-dead issue of Curt Schilling and his bloody sock from the 2004 playoffs is an absolute moron. Who the hell cares? It was three years ago, it has nothing to do with the outcome of any games and it’s a freaking sock! No one is being accused of cheating or doing anything to affect the result or integrity of the game itself, so who gives a crap? If it’s blood on the sock, paint, ketchup, strawberry juice or horseradish sauce, it doesn’t freaking matter! Oh, and did I mention it was three damn years ago? I don’t care who said what, who alleged what and who is lying here. Everyone who devoted airtime to this story or does so in the days ahead is an absolute sucker and a total joke and should be ashamed of themselves. If any of them can tell me what relevance this has to Major League Baseball in the here and now, or even how it affected the outcome of any game in those 2004 playoffs, I’ll admit it’s a valid topic to discuss, but since there’s no possible way for that to be true, I’ll just go ahead and figure everyone I’ve just described is as dumb as I have described them to be.

Why taking your clothes off for a skin rag makes you a skank, why Rosie is running scared and why a crushed velvet suit is a bad fashion choice

- I don’t know Kristine Lefebvre, but I’m still going to call the former Apprentice contestant a liar. Lefebvre has agreed to pose in an upcoming issue of Playboy and like many skanks who pose for a skin rag, she’s trying to claim that her decision has altruistic motivations. Lefebvre, a cancer survivor, tried to claim that posing nude is an attempt to encourage other cancer survivors. It may be many things, but a motivational action for other cancer survivors is not one of them. A cash grab? Yes. A publicity grab? Yes. An attempt to launch your acting career with some national notoriety? Yes. A good-hearted attempt to inspire other cancer survivors? No. I don’t think anyone who has survived cancer will see this and say, “Hey, that reality show loser Kristine Lefebvre took her clothes off and whored herself out for hundreds of thousands of porn-loving losers to gawk at, I’m really inspired to do something great with my life!” I know when you do something that most everyone sees as degrading, debasing and slutty in exchange for money you feel the need to spin it and try to assign some higher motive to it, but this is just offensive. Don’t try to play the cancer survivor angle as a justification for taking your clothes off for a magazine, not if you really want to show cancer survivors the respect they deserve. Lance Armstrong won seven Tour de France races, maybe try something like that instead……..

- Some days, life hands you a great big present wrapped in shiny gold paper with a big red bow on it, and this is one of those days. The ever-uncouth Rosie O’Donnell has dared open her mouth and speak out against her arch nemesis, Donald Trump, which can mean only one thing: a verbal beatdown from the Donald is on the way. O’Fat launched into an anti-Donald tirade at the Matrix Awards luncheon thrown by NY Women in Communications, concluding her rant by grabbing her crotch and yelling, “Eat me!” Umm, I speak for all humans, male and female, when I say I’ll take a pass on that, Rosie. She also sarcastically said she was disappointed when Trump accurately described her as fat and disgusting because it has always been her dream to be found arousing by an old, ugly billionaire. So Rosie has a linguistic salvo coming from the Donald, and she’s taking evasive maneuvers. The announcement came down today that O’Fat and The View have not been able to reach terms on a new contract, meaning she will be leaving the show. First, I should mention that this is a total lie. The BS about a contract is a ruse, because the truth is that O’Fat knows she screwed up in opening her fat, ugly, uneducated pie hole to snipe at Trump and now she’s diving for cover. Unfortunately for her, there is nothing to hide behind that is large enough to cover her ginormous ass and she’s going to take a hit. After the last round the Donald fired, where he basically sounded like he was ordering his lunch off of the menu at Denny’s while running off how O’Fat was a slob, weak, ugly, stupid and a waste of airtime for Babs Walters’ show, this next round should be an epic smackdown.

- You’ll hear me comment on fashion about once every decade maximum, but a quick question here: how do you show up at a post-game NBA press conference wearing a dark red, crushed-velvet suit, Antoine Walker? Can't you afford something that doesn’t make you look like an Austin Powers wannabe? I don’t care if you’re a famous athlete and you’re 6’8, pushing 250 pounds, you’re not big enough or tough enough to pull that off. Some athletes like to fancy themselves as fashion connoisseurs, but that’s not fashionable, bro, it’s just ridiculous.

- If you weren't already sick about the current war of choice for the United States (Iraq), take a moment to consider a debacle in the making from another conflict we’re involved in. The conflict in Afghanistan is actually based on a justifiable reason (the whole terrorism thing and all that jazz), but now a terrible disgrace like the sham surround the death of former Army Ranger Pat Tillman is being brought to light. Tillman’s death was hailed as heroic and as the result of enemy fire, but now we’re learning that Army officials perpetrated that lie on us all, including Tillman’s family, in order to further their own goals. Instead of telling the truth about Tillman’s death (friendly fire), the Army and the W. administration built it up as a firefight that took the life of a brave soldier and used that fictitious story to bolster recruitment efforts and raise support for the war. Never mind honoring the memory of an honest, courageous man who fought and died, they needed to make their cause look good and they didn’t need the negative attention from a soldier killed by his own men. But these are the same people we’re trusting to execute the war in Iraq and be up front with us about the state of the war, whether it is justified or not and when it should end? Pardon me if I refuse to believe another thing coming from the mouth of our Ass Clown in Chief when it comes to any war we fight, he and his minions have proven time and again that they will lie to anyone and everyone in order to further their own twisted ideals and agendas. Any luck finding those WMD’s yet, W.? Didn’t think so…….

- I don’t argue that raising money for children living in extreme poverty in America and abroad is a bad idea. It’s a great cause and it’s something more people need to be a part of. That being said, if I’m LeBron James, Shaquille O’Neal or any other famous athlete, there’s not a snowball-on-the-sun’s chance that I’m appearing on American Karaoke to help raise money for anything. James and O’Neal are among the athletes who filmed vignettes of themselves dancing and singing to the Bee Gees’ Staying Alive, to be aired tonight on AK as part of fund-raising efforts for organizations helping impoverished children worldwide. Relief programs for impoverished children need money, but there has to be a better way to do it than this. Now, if you want to remove American Karaoke from the air permanently, then I’m not only willing to listen, I’ll gladly open my checkbook and write you out a check for as much as I can give. As much as impoverishes children need help with food, housing, medical care and clothing, the need to eradicate the plague known as American Karaoke from our planet is nearly as big of a need. By agreeing to tape a segment for the show, all James and O’Neal are doing is perpetuating this most egregious of affronts to music and culture in general. They aren't the ones who will suffer, though; their reputations are strong enough to withstand being associated with this hack job of a reality show. The rest of us will suffer because this means we are now ever further away from being rid of this musical menace.

Mark Prior is made of porcelain, Heroes is great TV as always and Philadelphia is a popular place to commit a homicide

- Brace yourself for a true stunner, baseball fans. Chicago Cubs pitcher Mark Prior is hurt and in need of surgery. Upon hearing this news, my obvious reaction was, “No way! I just cannot believe that a sturdy, durable horse of a pitcher like Prior is hurt again.” I mean, yes, Prior has been on the disabled list all season and has spent lengthy periods of time on the DL in every one of his five Major League seasons, with eight trips to the DL total. Yes, he’s had trouble with a wide range of injuries, from his arms to his shoulders to his legs. Yes, he’s at the office of renowned surgeon Dr. James Andrews so much that he’s probably got his own seat reserved in the lobby and has helped Andrews buy a boat, Jaguar, vacation home in Fiji and a new 60” plasma screen with all the bills Prior has rung up. Still, who saw this one coming, news that Prior’s shoulder is still bothering him despite not pitching in a single game this year and that he may be headed back under the knife for exploratory surgery (and probably more extensive surgery after that)….well, other than everyone. When Prior first came up to the bigs, he was hailed for his flawless delivery and mechanics, which would supposedly help him to stay healthy and not break down like most pitchers do. It’s been the exact opposite for this guy, and he’s so injury prone that he’s making Ken Griffey Jr. look invincible by comparison.

- It’s spring again, and you know what that means: flowers blooming, trees budding and Iranian police arresting women on the street for wearing trench coats that are a little too tight and allowing a stray strand of hair or two to peek out from under their veil. This kind of crackdown against absolutely gratuitous flesh showing hasn’t been seen in the country in nearly 20 years, and I commend the Iranian police for taking a stand against women objectifying themselves and tempting their male counterparts by….um…..well, they’re not actually doing any of that. Nice to see that no matter how far we think the world has advanced and progressed, there will always be backwards, repressive societies who take conservativeness to extremes and force women to don copious amounts of clothing and show little more than their eyes. Keep this up, Iran, and you’ll be able to replace Daytona Beach, South Padre Island and Tijuana as the top spring break destination for college kids next year.

- Looking to get whacked this summer? If so, Philadelphia appears to be the place for you, as the city’s homicide rate is on pace to be at its highest in a decade. So far this year, Philly has more homicides than New York, Chicago or Los Angeles, all of which have significantly larger populations. The body count in Philadelphia was bumped up over the weekend when 11 people were killed across the city in a variety of bloody, brutal manners. Residents of the city need to calm down, though, because that kind of homicide rate cannot be sustained. I know the 76ers sucked this year and missed the playoffs, that the Phillies are off to an awful start and that the Eagles suffered a major hit when quarterback Donovan McNabb blew out his knee last year, but no matter how angry you are, Philly residents, offing one another to alleviate the tension is not acceptable. Somebody better keep check on Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, though, because his obscenity-laced tirade last week and subsequent meltdown has me worried that he’s going to be adding to the homicide count by taking out Philly radio host Howard Eskin.

- Want to feel better about the safety of the food you’re eating? If so, heed my advice of a few weeks ago and start growing your own, because unless you personally tend to every piece of food you eat from the time it is in its most basic form to the time it hits your mouth, you’re taking a big risk. Turns out that of all the food ingredients that come to the United States from abroad, only 1 percent of said ingredients are inspected by the Food and Drug Administration. Inspectors rarely take a close look at ingredients and usually restrict their inspections to shipments that are dirty, damaged or out of their packaging. As a result, all types of oils, spices, flours and gums go through un-inspected and are free to reek havoc on consumers. Happy eating, America……….

- Thank God that Heroes is such a great show and doesn’t need the help of a strong prime time partner show to succeed, because if it had need of such help, NBC isn't providing it. Following last night’s big-time return of the sci-fi thriller that featured a major death and screen time for nearly all of the show’s major players (including a new one, Linderman, played by Malcolm McDowell), NBC offered up a pupu platter of reality drivel in the form of The Real Wedding Crashers, a half-baked concept of a show whose participants should be taken out behind the woodshed and beaten with a rusty pipe. Basically, the premise is that real-life couples invite the producers of the show in to create artificial havoc at their weddings without the knowledge of the guests or wedding party. It’s supposed to be a big joke by the bride and groom on everyone else, and at the end, the couples actually do get married. And yes, as stupid as that sounds in theory, the execution isn't any better. Not only are the couples who whore out their biggest day idiots, but NBC should be fined by the FCC for even putting this garbage on the air. Nothing says treating your big, big day with class and tact like turning it into a reality show circus. Getting married on the field at a pro sporting event, tying the knot while skydiving or snorkeling and getting married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas all think that this show is an absolute classless joke.

Why Aqualung is a good listen, which Georgia town is socially backwards and impending baseball doom

- Normally liking Aqualung doesn’t earn you much favor or respect when it comes to music fans, but regardless of any preconceived notions or biases you might have against this particular artist, I highly recommend you give a listen to the new Aqualung album, Memory Man. The most likely audience for Aqualung’s sound on this disc is Coldplay fans or people who would listen to Coldplay if Chris Martin weren’t so friggin’ whiny, but the lyrical quality and overall sound of the album should be appreciated beyond the borders of emo. Aqualung has actually crafted a pretty versatile sound here, going beyond the piano-and-whiny-vocals sound and mixing in enough rock flavor to appeal to a wide demographic of music fans. Pressure Suit, a truly Coldplay-esque tune with heavy piano stylings, is a top song and has an interesting, climatically diverse video to go along with it (you’ll have to see the video to understand what I mean). Maybe I’m viewing this album in a more favorable light because of albums out by artist like Avril Lavigne, who appears content to reprise teeny-bopper ‘80s hits like Hey Mickey! and create artistically dumbed-down, sugary bubble gum crap instead of trying to become a more developed musician, but even so Memory Man is a thinking man’s record that you’re likely to enjoy.

- In trying to prepare for this summer’s blockbuster movie rush, highlighted be the third installment in each of three prominent movie franchises (Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Spiderman 3, Ocean’s Thirteen), I’m trying to decide which one of these three I’m most anticipating. As any good movie fan does, I went back and watched the first two movies in each series, jogging my memory and in one case, trying to make sense of a movie that didn’t make much sense in the first place. The latter was Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest, a movie I found interesting, fast-paced but ultimately cluttered and more than a little confusing after seeing it in the theater. However, in re-watching the movie on DVD, I found that a second viewing made Dead Man’s Chest infinitely more understandable and I definitely appreciated the whole picture a lot more the second time around. Out of these three movies, Pirates is the one I’m looking forward to the most, but Ocean’s Thirteen is a close second. I know a lot of people knocked Ocean’s Twelve, but the criticisms I heard had everything to do with the movie not being a carbon copy, style-wise, of the first one and also not being what people expected. The movie itself was interesting, clever and kept you plugged in throughout. (Interesting side note: Ocean’s Eleven is actually a remake - sort of - of a 1960 movie starring Sammy Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. The location of the movie and the number of casinos robbed differs, but the basic plot is the same). Spiderman 3 just isn't striking me as especially captivating based on what I’ve seen so far, but I have a feeling it will deliver the goods once I watch it in the theater.

- Congress is being painted into a war-funding corner, and I don’t like the potential solutions I’m hearing discussed. Basically, Congress is bound to provide the necessary funds for a war if the president (no matter how moronic, idiotic, intellectually deficient and clueless he is) declares war and then drags it out for an interminable period of time with no justification. In other words, once W. rejects the war-funding bill about to be passed due to its troop-withdrawal language, Congress has to come up with an alternative solution so our fighting men and women have the funding they need. One option is a short-term funding bill that would force Congress to revisit the whole issue later this summer, but that option doesn’t seem to be gaining much traction. A second choice would be providing the funds but establishing certain guidelines and benchmarks for the Iraqi government to reach as a part of the agreement to provide funding. Lastly, Congress could just give W. what he’s asking for (no, not a swift ass kicking and a punch to the groin, although he is asking for both of those things) in terms of war funding, regroup and try to right this sinking ship when the 2008 funding debates roll around. In the interest of radical solutions and anti-establishment thinking, allow me to suggest a fourth option: a Congressional strike. Just go on strike, form picket lines outside the Capitol and tote your “Down with W.” signs around and shout derogatory remarks about our leader. Even with no legislative work being done, is anyone going to notice? I say no, as Congress is already so inefficient and lackluster in its duties that slowing the pace down to a nice, crisp zero won't be that much of a change. Sure that might be abandoning the duties your constituents elected you to do, but isn't that what congressional representatives already do anyhow? Heck, all 535 members of Congress can tag along on Nancy Pelosi’s next vacation, er, fact finding trip to the Middle East. Anything you can do to give the president the proverbial middle finger when he requests funds for his own Vietnam is appreciated, Congress.

- Last year, Will Ferrell appeared on SportsCenter to promote whatever movie he had out at the time and was asked to reprise his famous Harry Caray impression, which has become a favorite comedic staple of most every under the age of 30 who’s ever watched Saturday Night Live. Describing the Steve Bartman incident of 2003 through the eyes of the late Chicago Cubs announced, Ferrell yelped: “I feel doom encroaching upon us all!” That’s how I feel about the impending baseball apocalypse that will happen when nobody’s favorite roid-head, Bar-roid Bonds, breaks Hank Aaron’s career home run record of 755. Bonds hit two more bombs over the weekend and now has 740, meaning he’s increasingly likely to surpass the Hammer before the All-Star Break. The closer we get to this point, the more pissed I become as a baseball fan. With each tainted homer, Bonds comes closer to being the face of a record that used to stand for class, dignity and asterisk-free achievement. From the point Bar-roid breaks the mark until Alex Rodriguez inevitably surpasses it in about 5-6 years, baseball fans are going to be forced to admit that a cheating, lying, surly horse’s ass of a man is their sport’s best all-time power hitter. Maybe it seems absurd and extreme to suggest, as some critics have, that teams refuse to pitch to Bonds and thus keep him from breaking the record, but I’m in favor of doing it. How awesome would it be to see every team walk Bar-roid four times a game and to see the building roid rage in his eyes as he takes four wide ones every time to the plate and realizes he’s not going to be able to break the record. Now that’s a solution to our problem that all baseball fans can get behind…….

- It must, like, be, like so, like exciting to be Morgan Pozgar of Claysburg, Pa. right now, omigosh. The quick-thumbed 13-year-old won this year’s LG National Texting championship, besting hundreds of other teens with ginormous cell phone bills and a future full or carpal tunnel syndrome to take home the top prize of $25,000. The winning text was “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” from the movie Mary Poppins and took Pozgar a mere 15 seconds to type. There aren't many contests out there aimed at 13-year-old girls, but this is one of them. Still, speed typing a ridiculous word from an atrocious and unwatchable old movie featuring dancing penguins hardly seems like the right way to decide the texting champion. Why not stick to classics like w/e, bff, ttyl, cya, omg, inho, lol and other staples of the average teen girl’s online vocabulary. Plus, if Morgan is that quick of a texter, she’s going to need all of that prize money to pay her freaking huge cell bill each month. She claims she’s going to go shopping and buy lots of clothes, but her parents may have different ideas if they’re the ones who foot her phone bill every month.

- How the heck is this just now happening in 2007? In Ashburn, Ga., Turner County High School has finally held its first-ever integrated prom. Yes, I said first-ever, because somehow this backwater, socially retarded town has managed to stage separate proms for black and white students up to this point despite the fact that segregation (at least in the civilized portions of the country) ended in 1963. Instead of a school-sponsored prom, in past years black students and white students each raised money for their own private prom and somehow this was allowed to stand. Welcome to the twenty-first century, Ashburn. This shouldn’t at all perpetuate the stereotype that residents of the South are backwoods, backwater, socially stifled hillbillies who just don’t get it. True, most people in that region of our fine nation are not that way, but stories like this cast a negative light on the region in general. If Ashburn residents have time, I would suggest that they do a little research and spend time reading up on a little case I like to call Brown v. Board of Education, you all should find it to be rather informative.

Putin is a putz, criminals are still stupid and a vote on behalf of Veronica Mars

- Why is it that the dumbest among us are always the ones who end up as career criminals? Take for example an unnamed man in Kansas City who tried to flee from security personnel at a casino when it became known that there was a warrant out for his arrest. This genius decided his best escape route was to leap over some railing outside of the casino….and right into a moat where he drowned. Good job, Mensa, you showed those security personnel, they weren't going to take you alive. Police didn’t say what crime the man was wanted for, but unless it was murder or manslaughter, I’ve got to figure that whatever penalty he may have incurred would have been significantly worse than death by drowning in a casino moat. This man is undoubtedly the early leader for the 2007 Darwin Awards, which are presented to individuals who do the rest of humanity a service by removing themselves from the gene pool.

- Memo to David Letterman, Jay Leno and any other late night, daytime or morning show hosts out there: some of us were able to avoid this Sanjaya freak because we’re smart enough to avoid the intellectual and musical wasteland that is American Karaoke. Stop booking this talentless freak job to appear on your show, you’re only prolonging what should have been his negative fifteen minutes of fame. It’s said that everyone gets their fifteen minutes of fame, but in the case of this ass clown, he should not only not get that time, he should owe the rest of us fifteen minutes. I don’t need him invading every other network and popping up on shows I might actually be watching. In fact, I’m considering dropping an automatic six-month viewing ban on any program that allows San-joke-a to appear, a full one-year ban if they allow him to attempt any comedic or musical activity. However, if he is going to appear on Letterman’s show, that means he’ll be in New York and there are at least two dozen ways to knock him off and get rid of him. Push him in front of a subway train, knock him off the ferry out to Ellis Island, shove him down an open manhole, send him through the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood in Harlem dressed in a KKK robe………….the possibilities are endless.

- Having a waiter spit in your food is going to seem a lot more appealing after this next story. Waiters in about 40 New York area restaurants took part in a credit card scam that relied on the waiters recording customers’ credit card information and passed it on to co-conspirators who made more than $3 million of illegal purchases using the stolen information. Thirteen people have been indicted in the scam so far, but there is no word yet on what charges will be brought against the waiters themselves. As someone who uses cards to pay for many things, including meals, this definitely makes you think twice about the practice. When you consider the millions of people who hand their credit cards over to waiters at breakfast, lunch and dinner every day all over America, it’s amazing there aren’t more stories like this. Of course, walking around NYC with a wad of cash on you to pay for your meals may not be any safer, so the best recommendation if you are in New York and absolutely need to eat is brown bagging it. Sure you may look funny carrying around your lunch bag, but no one is going to steal a brown paper bag with a turkey sando and some Doritos in it, nor can they use said items to make illegal online purchases and ruin your credit. Think it over…….

- As a loyal fan of Veronica Mars, I’m waiting anxiously just like everyone else as the series’ fate is decided by the CW network, which has already proven it has zero competence and intelligence when deciding which of its shows to bring back and which ones to cut (see the example of bringing back the already dead 7th Heaven and canceling the amazing Everwood last year). If you haven't been following the Mars saga, the basic decision is for the network to pick one of three options: 1) return the show next season and continue right along the same path the show has been going, with Veronica in college and no leap ahead in time, 2) leap ahead to a time when Veronica is out of college and working for the FBI, 3) cancel the show. Clearly, option #1 is the best, because the leap ahead in time will just seem forced and would throw Mars in along with all of the other FBI, CIA, Secret Service dramas out there, of which there are many. Still, either one is better than option #3, and that of course means the third option is exactly the one the CW is going to take. Gawd, I hate the CW.

- I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry on this one, so maybe I can do both. A few years ago, New York Jets running back Curtis Martin refused to do a major national radio show because he only does “positive” interviews and the show was seen as too negative. It turns out the entire Jets franchise had that policy, to keep things “positive” at all times. Vladimir Putin, it seems, embraces the same philosophy. The Russian dictator (sorry bro, but you’re no longer a president, not with the gulag you’re running) has declared that the Russian News Service radio network must make at least 50 percent of its stories about Russia positive. Additionally, leaders of opposition groups within the country cannot be mentioned by name and the United States must be portrayed as an enemy. In other words, the formerly independent RNS must now become a propaganda-spouting, sellout mouthpiece for the government if it wishes to continue operations. Some of the negative stories that the network will now have to shy away from include death, violence and poverty. Thus, if you’re teetering on the edge of the 50 percent balance and there’s a story of a major catastrophe where hundreds of people are killed, you must ignore that story and report that a kitten was saved from a tree, or that meteorologists are predicting sunny with a high of 75 for Moscow tomorrow. Either that, or find two or three positive stories to balance out the negative so you can still strike the happy 50/50 balance. What this looks like to me is that Vlad Putin is serious about making a run at W. for being the most inept, ineffective and idiotic leader of a major world power and that finishing second is not an option. Two months ago I would have said Putin had no chance in that race, but with his rash of recent imbecilic decisions, he’s closing the gap fast.

- Hey, did you notice that the NHL playoffs are going on? Me neither. But apparently they are, because ESPN keeps bringing on some mulleted fellow named Melrose and talking about the NHL playoffs like anyone south of the Canadian border gives a crap. Sorry, mullet-heads, but if your sport broadcasts nearly all of its playoff games on the Versus network, which 99 percent of Americans don’t get, then you are irrelevant. Soccer on ice is running in ninth place with American sports fans, right behind the real majors (MLB, NFL, NBA), college basketball, baseball and football, golf and tennis. Actually, soccer on grass may have just edged you out too, so hockey is probably tenth at this point. After all, at least soccer on grass can regularly get games on ESPN, which is more than hockey can say.

A lack of patience in Sacramento, good news for Gilmore and what American Karaoke can actually give back

- Either the Sacramento Kings have adopted a much less patient mindset for their franchise or a drunken-driving arrest is now cause enough to fire an NBA head coach after one mediocre season. The Kings have fired coach Eric Musselman after a 33-49 campaign with an aging roster and a paltry supply of talent. Musselman’s failure to transform said deficient roster into a playoff team, coupled with the disgrace he brought upon the organization by getting all molared up and trying to drive on October 20, were enough to end his tenure with the Kings. Musselman had been successful a few years ago with Golden State, but the Kings proved to be too much of a challenge for him. The front office stance on Musselman is that the franchise is reevaluating and refocusing, but this is still an awfully quick trigger finger. Musselman deserved at least one more year; this isn't college football, where coaches need to win and win now before rich alumni run them out of town. Sacto isn't going to be markedly better next year without Musselman, not unless they make major roster changes, changes they could have made with him still onboard.

- Sebastian Telfair is playing the wrong sport. He needs to join the Cincinnati Bengals right now, because he’s wasting his time and criminal capabilities playing with the Boston Celtics. The wannabe thug/gangsta point guard who has never lived up to the ginormous hype he had coming out of high school was arrested in his hometown of the Bronx on Thursday and charged with felony gun possession after being pulled over on a routine traffic stop. Telfair is no stranger to trouble with the law, and he used his criminal skills to the fullest less than a day after his team’s season ended. This dude wasted no time in shifting into full-on con mode, and the Bengals are always on the lookout for guys with that kind of ability. Sebastian might want to slow down, though, because even a man of his skill level cannot keep up this kind of pace throughout the entire offseason. Pace yourself, S., there are a lot of weeks ahead before next season begins and you need to space your felony gun charges, future marijuana possession and other assorted crimes out so you don’t use all your criminal stamina up too quickly.

- Ah, the good old days of Communism and dictatorial rule, where you can be hauled in by the government and interrogated for hours without any cause at all. Russia is making major progress in bringing back those good old days and its government is using Gary Kasparov as its pawn in the process (chess pun intended). Russian security agents brought the 44-year-old former chess champion in for questioning after he had the audacity to take part in demonstrations against the administration of President Vladimir Putin last week. Kasparov rightly pointed out that the government has no basis for criminal charges against him, but in present day Russia, being innocent doesn’t mean you’re safe from harassment and possible arrest. Trying to pin charges of political extremism on the most well-known person in the opposition movement…..hmm….maybe I’m being cynical, but this reeks of political intimidation and scare tactics by the Putin administration. It is reassuring to know that you don’t necessarily need to be effective, competent, fair or smart to rule a country, all you need to do is have the brute force to hold down anyone who opposes you. Putin and W. should start some sort of club for ineffective rulers who refuse to admit what abominations their tenures in office have been………..

- Allow me to dispense some free legal advice here. This offer is in response to the blunderings of one particular individual, but anyone in a similar situation should feel free to put it to use. When embroiled in a bitter custody battle for your 11-year-old daughter, leaving a scathing, threatening voice mail on that child’s cell phone is a bad choice. Alec Baldwin is the culprit in this instance for the blistering verbal scalding he left on daughter Ireland’s voice mail, a message that called her, among other things, spoiled and a “selfish pig.” Baldwin is now spinning this, trying to make amends and rationalize away his tirade, while attorneys for his ex-wife Kim Basinger are trying to make it appear like their client had nothing to do with leaking the recording. This may not be the deciding factor in the judge’s custody decision because all parents yell at their kids and Baldwin didn’t go so far as to physically threaten her, but why would any child want to live with a parent who’s willing to leave that kind of message on their voice mail? Check yourself, Alec, because if this is the kind of parenting you’re employing now while trying to win custody of your kid and show what a good dad you can be, I’d hate to see how you would act if you won and felt like you were no longer under scrutiny.

- Good news and bad news for Gilmore Girls fans like myself. Every report you hear now has the show coming back for an eighth season, but it will almost certainly be a shortened season in the 13-16 episode range. That prospect has fans and critics debating whether the return is a good idea, especially considering the show has had some rough patches this season with the change in executive producers from Amy Sherman-Palladino and husband Dan to David Rosenthal. I’m squarely on the side of an eighth season of any length being a great thing, although it pains me to say that the main reason for this is that so many of the shows on right now are absolute crap and networks seem to be axing good shows at an alarming rate, so any way of keeping one of TV’s best shows on the air is fine by me. This season might not have been consistently excellent and it may have been marred by the same inexplicably idiotic long gaps between the “fall finale”, “spring finale” and whatever other crappy excuse for a one or two-month layoff the networks have given when ripping their shows off the air and returning them at random times this season, but Gilmore is still one of the five best shows out there. Even a shortened season of the Girls next year will be better than nothing.

- Writing while laughing hysterically is difficult to do, what with the near-convulsions and inability to stop rolling on the floor while clutching my stomach because of the severity of the laughter. Still, I’ll try to steady myself and explain in three absurdly funny words: Idol Gives Back. You’ve probably seen the commercials for the next week of American Karaoke shows, which insinuate that the glorified karaoke contest will be giving something back. Allow me to suggest few things AK could truly give back: 1) all the time I’ve had to spend the past three or four years hearing idiots yammer on about the show that’s single-handedly setting music and television back twenty years, 2) the airtime the show has wasted and thus kept from being given to other shows that don’t actually suck, 3) the indignity perpetrated on the American public by making glorified former Laker Girl think she’s famous enough to force her way onto flights and reserve two seats for herself on a sold-out flight, 4) the money the show has suckered from all of the morons who have paid to call in and vote for their favorite karaoke singer/contestant. Those are just a few ideas, but if AK is really serious about giving back, they would do well to start with those four things. If they’re actually serious in thinking they have anything significant, worthwhile and positive to give back to anyone, they’re begging. The best gift they could ever give would be taking their collection of questionably coiffed, athletic balladeering, musically challenged misfits and going away forever.

Alberto Gonzales has not a clue, Pacman Jones has no chance and Kyrgyzstan has an uprising

- What’s worse: a lying, manipulative, two-faced Attorney General who makes politically motivated firings and then denies it, or an amnesia-laden, forgetful, no-attention-span-having Attorney General who can’t remember anything, including making important personnel decisions and taking part in high-level governmental meetings? Alberto Gonzales seems undecided as to which of those two he is, based on his performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee. More than seventy times during the hearing, Gonzales tried to hide behind the defense that he couldn't recall much anything that the senators asked about, even though much of it happened in meetings he is known to have attended. He double-talked around the role he played in the firings of eight attorneys general, allegedly because they investigated Republican politicians in the months leading up to the last election and didn’t investigate enough Democrats. Whether the firings were indeed politically motivated is one issue, but I think we have a far bigger one. When a high-ranking government official can’t recall anything at all about major decisions and meetings that happened less than six months ago, that’s a problem. Even the biggest stoner on every college campus in America has a good enough memory that they can remember major life events that happened within the past six months. Either Alberto is lying through his teeth, or he’s suffering from severe amnesia/stupidity and is probably not qualified to serve as Attorney General. Let’s put it another way; when there are people attending a congressional hearing and sitting in the gallery waving signs demanding your firing like they’re marching in a Green Peace rally, you’ve bottomed out in your political career and are officially a circus sideshow. Resign now Alberto, and you might be able to salvage a small fragment of your dignity before it’s ripped from you.

- The following news bit will be both informative and educational. Since approximately 3.6 percent of American can actually locate Kyrgyzstan on a map, bear with me. Police in the central Asian nation (located on the western border of China) used tear gas and stun grenades to disperse some 7,000 protestors who had marched to the president’s office in the country’s capital to demand his resignation. President Kurmanbek Bakiyev (no, W. has still not figured out how to pronounce either the name of the country or its president) has so inspired his citizens with incompetent leadership that they have now held anti-government protests on nine consecutive days. Kudos to the police for showing restraint and only using tear gas and stun grenades (which sound cool, even though I have no idea what they are) and eschewing the Russian police model of violent, injury-causing beatdowns that leave protestors hospitalized. Just try to imagine if the people angry out our own president’s awful performance banded together and marched to his office……..the Beltway would be clogged for miles with millions of angry Americans. Well, we can be thankful on such occasions as this that most of the country, while recognizing W.’s total lack of intelligence and competence in office, is also incredibly apathetic when it comes to politics and anything not relating to the latest voting controversy on American Karaoke or Dancing With the D-list Stars.

- So as it turns out, blatant nepotism might not be a good thing. I know, I know, it rocked my world too, but it’s true. Giving someone, be it a family member or a significant other, a position or opportunity because of your relationship with them and nothing else seems to be upsetting to people. Take the example of the current uproar at World Bank, where President Bob Wolfowitz has created a scandal by awarding a high-paying job to his girlfriend, XXXXXXX. Now, the company’s board of directors is meeting to determine what action to take against Wolfowitz in light of the call from many employees, aid groups and politicians for Wolfowitz’s dismissal. When you’ve got politicians demanding your firing on ethical grounds, you’ve really done something despicable. Let’s just go ahead and assume from here on out that when operating at a level of business where six and seven-figure salaries are the norm, giving a job to an undeserving person simply because you’re sleeping with them is a bad idea. Your interests in the bedroom can’t take precedence over the interests of your company’s employees as shareholders, even if the woman in question is really, really hot (which in Wolfowitz’s case, she’s really not).

- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell might need to rethink this whole decision to suspend Adam “Pacman” Jones. Yes, he has been picked up by the cops a dozen times the past few years and charged in two (soon to be three cases), and yes he did neglect to notify his team and the league of two offseason arrests last year, but he did take out a full-page newspaper ad and use it to issue an open apology to the fans and to the general public. That’s right, I said he rented some ad space and had his agent write him an apology to curry some favor with the fans! Never mind the suspension; that right there just makes it all A-OK. Problem solved, he’s learned his lesson. In the apology, Pacman even says he will work to earn back everyone’s trust and that he’s sorry for what he did. Unfortunately P., everyone may not be quite as enthusiastic about your apology as I am. Some, like Mr. Goodell, are going to view it as a collection of meaningless, empty words unless and until you back those words up by not getting arrested anymore and not inciting strip club brawls that leave bouncers paralyzed. But I’m on board with Pacman, because what shows more contrition than taking out an ad and running an apology that someone else wrote for you? It tugs at the heart strings, that much is certain. Probably, though, it’s not going to have much of an effect when it comes to shortening that one-year suspension, but a nice effort nonetheless P.

- Fans of actual basketball in the form it’s supposed to be played in, with actual offensive sets being run, all five guys on the floor participating instead of standing around watching one star player try to score, without stars being treated totally differently and idiotic rules like defensive three seconds have long known that college basketball is far better than the crap-ola played in NBA. Perhaps the crowning reason for this superiority has been shown over the past few weeks, as NBA teams have openly been tanking their seasons in order to secure higher draft picks, to the extent that players such as Ryan Gomes of the Boston Celtics openly admitted that he was taken out of a game and left on the bench so lesser players could play and his team could lose the game. Teams such as the Celtics purposely lost to improve their chances in the NBA’s draft lottery, which allocates the top 14 picks in the draft to non-playoff teams using weighted ping-pong balls in a giant hopper. More losses equal more balls in the hopper, and so teams tank for a better pick. Then, you have the Minnesota Timberwolves, who managed to lose their last game of the season, at home, by 22 points to the absolute worst team in the league, the Memphis Grizzlies. What’s so significant about that, you ask, since neither team is in the playoffs? As it turns out, the Timberwolves owe the L.A. Clippers a draft pick to complete a trade made last year for guard Marko Jaric, and had the Wolves won, they would have fallen out of the top 10 in the lottery and they would have had to send that pick to the Clippers. Since Minnesota lost, though, they actually anchored themselves into the top six in the lottery and the terms of the Jaric trade say that if the pick is in that range of the draft, they don’t have to send it to L.A. In other words, by tanking their last game against an awful team, Minnesota got to keep its draft pick. The NBA, it’s Fan-tastic! Also, let me point out that in college basketball, there’s no such thing as tanking, because the goal is to be the best and to win as much as possible in order to make the postseason and have a shot at the national championship. If you’re bad, tanking does you no good because there is no draft lottery, only potential recruits who see your team sucking and decide to go elsewhere. Super job, NBA, thanks for nothing.

- It only took 200 years, but the residents of the District of Columbia may finally get representation in Congress…..or not. A bill that would award a seat in the House for D.C. citizens passed by a 241-177 vote and will now go on to the Senate, where it is expected to face substantial opposition. President Bush has already said he’ll veto it because the bill is unconstitutional, by which he means it would give an additional vote in the House to an area that is staunchly Democratic. Never mind the need for representation of citizens in Congress W., don’t let that get in the way of party favoritism. Not surprisingly, Republicans are blindly lining up behind their buffoonish leader, claiming that the Constitution’s provision for electing congressional representatives from “the several states” precludes a D.C. representative because the District of Columbia is not a state. The easiest way to solve this, of course, would be if the area in question were Republican and not mostly Democratic, because then W. would run over to Congress and sign the bill with his Mickey Mouse souvenir pen as soon as it was passed. Better luck next time, residents of our nation’s capital.

Rap won't change, pet food isn't safe and Scooter McDougle is saved.....for now

- Never let it be said that the NCAA is out of touch and behind the times. OK, so you can say exactly that because the NCAA has some of the most arcane and moronic rules known to man and fails to keep up with trends and new developments of all kinds when it comes to running its organization. Case in point, the fact that the NCAA has just now gotten around to creating a rule that regulates the ability of coaches to use text messages to contact potential recruits. For several years now, smart and technologically savvy coaches have been upgrading to the newest Blackberry and sending constant text messages to recruits because there was no limiting and no regulation of texts by the NCAA. Forward-thinking coaches like Florida football coach Urban Meyer were ahead of the game and landed prime recruits in part because of their use of text messaging. Now, the NCAA Division I management council is about to pass a new measure banning all electronic communication between coaches and recruits, with emails and faxes being exceptions as they are already regulated by other rules. Kate Hickey, the chairperson for the council, made a crack that student athletes want to see the ban enacted for their own sanity and to save themselves from ginormous text-messaging bills. Ha, good one Kate, verrrrry funny. I doubt that most student athletes are pissed about having a college coach want to recruit them so badly that they’re willing to send text messages non-stop. The reality is that some regulation was needed because coaches were abusing the no-limit policy on texts, but banning the practice altogether is excessively harsh. Leave it to the NCAA to go from lasseiz-faire to way overboard in two seconds flat.

- Enjoy having the sword of Damocles hanging over you for the next few weeks, Scooter McDougle. McDougle is the University of Toledo football player who was charged in a point-shaving scandal involving UT football and basketball players centered around a Michigan-based bookie. Federal prosecutors have temporarily dropped charges against McDougle, citing procedural reasons and the need for more time to conduct their investigation. However, it is likely that once the investigation is finished, McDougle will be charged once again and will go to trial. A spokesman for the U.S. Attorney's Office explained that McDougle likely would be indicted at a later date for taking bribes from a gambler in Sterling Heights, Mich., to alter the result of football games and recruiting teammates and members of Toledo's basketball team to the same. McDougle has been suspended from the football team following his indictment but continues to attend classes at UT. Don’t expect him to be reinstated simply because the feds decided to temporarily drop the charges against him. No, Scooter gets to spend each day going to class and trying to do the right things, all the while knowing the government is strengthening its case against him and preparing to indict him a second time. Life will be a little tougher without the cash, merchandise and groceries that the gambler, identified only as “Gary”, provided to McDougle in exchange for fixing games. Have fun with it Scooter, your days as a non-convicted felon are numbered.

- Recall time! It’s been far too many days since there was news of some food product, pet or human food, being recalled. This one is a doosy, though, so it makes up for lost time. An industrial chemical (score!) that led to a nationwide recall of 100 brands of pet food has turned up again in some pet food imported from China. Any time you can have a food contaminant that crosses national and continental lines, you’ve got something good. The presence of the chemical in Venison and Brown Rice dog foods and Venison and Green Pea cat food, both sold by Natural Balance, has resulted in a recall of those products. Personally I’d recall the dog food and let cats take their chances eating the contaminated grub, but that’s because I hate cats and have no use for them. However, Natural Balance has gone the humane route and recalled both the dog and cat food, so pet owners can consider yourselves warned.

- File this under the heading of not at all surprising. In the wake of the Don Imus firing, critics of the same hateful, bigoted speech that Imus used for the Rutgers women’s basketball team turned their ire to rap music. One of the results was a hip-hop summit in New York, bringing music-industry executives together to discuss sexist and misogynistic lyrics in rap under the leadership of Def Jam CEO Russell Simmons and his Hip-Hop Summit Action Network. Want to take a guess what groundbreaking, earth-shaking changes these executives came up with in their meeting in order to change the way rappers derisively refer to women in their lyrics? If you guessed “nothing” then you would be exactly right. Yes, a grand total of zero recommendations for change resulted from the meeting, meaning that hip-hop is going to keep doing what it’s been doing and that in a few months, when those who are currently livid and demanding change have forgotten all about the subject and gone on to other crusade against other perceived wrongs, rap lyrics will be exactly the way they are right now. Execs aren't about to impose demands and mandates on their artists and risk alienating them and losing fans who love rap the way it is, because that would negatively impact the bottom line, and ultimately that’s what music is about for those in charge of it.

- Rule #1 when receiving email messages with attachments is never, EVER download and open said attachment unless it’s from someone you know well and you are 100 percent sure that it is virus free. Anyone who’s had an email account for more than a week knows this, or so I thought. Turns out that the reason hackers in Asia were able to get into State Department computers and steal government data because a State Department employee in Asia opened a mysterious-looking email that appeared legitimate and contained a Microsoft Word attachment. Once the message was opened and the attachment downloaded, the hackers had access to government files for a limited time until some built-in safety measures severed all Internet services to State Department offices in the region. Glad to see that we are continuing our policy of allowing only our smartest, most computer-savvy federal employees to be responsible for the security of important government computer files. Whoever it was that got suckered in by this bogus email probably was playing a wicked game of computer solitaire or 3-D pinball on their desktop and barely took time to look at their emails as they opened them. Remember, kids, hackers don’t have to be incredibly smart or sophisticated as long as you continue to be clueless and oblivious. One last time: Do not open attachments from anyone that you do not know and know well and do not open attachments unless you are 105 percent sure they don’t contain any kind of Trojan horse virus.

Japanese mobsters, arrogant karaoke judges and a delusional MLB slugger

- Ironic how a huge, hulking athlete chasing down the most hallowed and respected record in all of sports can look so feeble and desperate, eh? San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds is now whining about the media driving a wedge between he and Hank Aaron, the man whose record he’s about to break (with the help of copious amounts of steroids). Aaron, who like the rest of Americans with an IQ above 40 has all but concluded that Bonds’ career is tainted by ‘roid usage, has stated explicitly that when Bonds breaks the home run record, he will not be in attendance. Hammerin’ Hank said he’s a 72-year-old man and he’s not getting on a plane for anyone, so he will not fly to wherever the Giants are playing when Bonds hits home run No. 756. Of course, Hank then got on a plane and flew across the country for Jackie Robinson Night at Dodger Stadium, where the man who broke baseball’s color barrier was honored. And Hank did say that if Bonds is poised to break the record when the Giants come to Aaron’s hometown of Atlanta in August, he will be in West Palm Beach playing golf at that time. So to clarify, Aaron won't get on a plane for anyone, as long as anyone means Barry Bonds. I don’t blame the Hammer, because I’d be pissed too. If I was sure someone had blatantly cheated to break my record that I attained playing clean, I’d be livid. The blame here doesn’t go on Hank, nor does it go on the media. It goes squarely on the shoulders of Bar-roid, who would not be dealing with this controversy if he had simply said no to the beef roids and chlomid. Bonds needs to stop trying to pawn blame off on others, keep as quiet as possible and break the record without b*tching any further, because baseball fans, players, executives, former players and the public in general are all going to be pissed off enough as it is.

- How many text messages do you send on your cell each month? 200? 500? University of Arkansas football coach Houston Nutt has you beat, and it’s landing him in a lot of trouble. Some of Nutt’s detractors, seeking ammo to get the coach fired, used the Freedom of Information Act to access his cell phone records and discovered that over the course of one month this past winter, Nutt send more than 1,000 text messages to a local female TV anchor, despite the fact that Nutt is married and the anchor is decidedly not his wife. The anchor in question, Donna Bragg, is the director of a charitable foundation in Fayetteville and Nutt claims those texts were charity-related, but that’s a dubious claim. Doing a little math, we can break this down and find that on average, there were 32-33 texts per day being sent from Nutt to Bragg, more than one per hour. I’m not a text messaging expert, but I can say with confidence that if you text someone more than once an hour every day for a month, there’s something more going on than charity work. Nutt went so far as to send one text 19 minutes before his team played in the Capital One Bowl on New Year’s Day. Those critics who dug up Nutt’s phone records are using them against him in their latest ploy to get him fired, but the coach has responded with an open letter claiming the text messages were in relation to Bragg’s charity work and nothing else. I’m going to split my vote on this, because I don’t believe Nutt’s explanation but I also don’t believe that excessive text messaging alone is a fireable offense. Unless someone has proof of much more inappropriate conduct and conduct that goes beyond merely bad judgment and marital unfaithfulness, you cannot fire Nutt over sending too many text messages to a special lady friend.

- One of the dangers of playing the “Do you know who I am?” card is that people actually will know who you are and will punish you because of it. Normally I say that if you have to play that card, then you’re not important enough for people to know or care who you are. For American Karaoke judge/lush Paula Abdul, going with “Do you know who I am?” is an even worse decision. You may or may not realize this in your drugged up, alkie state P., but you’re an incredibly annoying, irritating part of the most offensive, awful TV show in the world, and when people see you in a public place and realize who you are, they just might seek to stick it to you to gain some revenge for the part you play in facilitating the atrocious karaoke-ing on your show each week. Thus, when Abdul tried to cut in line and force her way on to a Southwest Airlines flight from San Jose to Burbank and once onboard, attempted to save a seat so she could have some extra room, her fellow passengers weren’t down. One heckled her with a Sanjaya blast (seeing those frightening pictures of him/her is enough, I don’t need to know anything about who this Sanjaya person actually is), saying that Paula was no Sanjaya and that she needed to be treated just like any other passenger. See, travelers are funny that way, they don’t give a crap if some drugged up former Laker Girl with a Botox-ed up grill and a gig “judging” glorified karaoke singers on a crappy reality show wants to take their spot on a plane or save an extra seat on that plane. They want to get where they’re going as quickly as possible and they’re not giving anything up so you and your E-list celebrity status can have some extra perks. Stay in your shoes, Paula, realize who you are and take your sorry butt to the back of the line. Be thankful the airline doesn’t force you to ride in the cargo hold, where you deserve to be.

- Prepare to riot, soccer fans: rumors have the L.A. Galaxy, the Major League Soccer (again, the ultimate oxymoron as soccer is never major league) franchise of southern California, pursuing aging, head-butting Frenchman Zinedine Zidane. Zidane is the ass clown who used his head as a battering ram when an Italian player got under his skin with some good “your momma and sister” smack in the last World Cup. Now, the Galaxy want to bring him to America to team up with another over-the-hill has been, David Beckham, in an attempt to convince the rest of us that soccer really does matter. Personally I’m going to keep on not caring, and I have a feeling the rest of America (well, those over the age of 12 who don’t play youth soccer and slurp down Capri Sun pouches religiously) will do the same. Still, I do feel the need to pose a question in response to a comment by Alexi Lalas, the team president for the Galaxy, who stated that buying out Zidane’s European league contract would not be a problem. On the heels of paying Beckham ridiculous amounts of money, how can an MLS franchise have any more to spend? Their league is about the ninth most popular in the country, attendance is miniscule and I don’t see too many people sporting MLS merchandise, so where is the Galaxy coming up with this kind of jack? We may need to audit their tax returns and make sure they’re not trying to write off the $15 million they spend annually on Capri Sun and orange wedges as a business expense and therefore a tax deduction. Bring all the aging Euros you want to your team, L.A. Galaxy, you’re still soccer and you still don’t matter.

- I’ve criticized the Chinese government for actions I label as crappy in recent weeks (trying to ban all sexually explicit online content and destroying pirated copies of music, movies and software), but now there really is something crappy about China. A fertilizer plant in the Guizhou province accidentally discharged a massive amount of sulfur dioxide, and the resulting stench literally sickened 140 teachers and schoolchildren in the area. Major points deducted for the Chinese government on this one; if you’re going to rip your citizens’ porn, bootleg music and movies and their illegal software copies, the least you can do is properly regulate your fertilizer plants so they don’t release illness-inducing levels of airborne toxins into the atmosphere.

- Sorry for the beatdown and abuse, we just overreacted a bit. Those are the heartfelt, genuine words of contrition coming from the Russian government after police administered violent beatings to protestors in two recent demonstrations against the administration of President Vladimir Putin. The marches took place over the weekend in Moscow and St. Petersburg and included prominent Russians such as former world chess champion Gary Kasparov. The police predictably went overboard in wailing on demonstrators with their clubs and batons and in arresting people as fast as they could slap the cuffs on. But hey, a canned, stiff, sterile apology from a governmental spokesman should soothe any lingering tensions, right? Everyone will just forget that your administration is violently suppressing democracy and individual rights and moving back toward the Communist end of the political spectrum as long as you dig surface-deep and issue a scripted apology, Mr. Putin. All is well, don’t worry about it, everyone will just shake hands, smile and forget all about it…………….

- Is there any traffic law that New Jersey governor John S. Corzine’s vehicle wasn’t breaking when it crashed and left him hospitalized last week? A state police investigation revealed that Corzine’s vehicle was traveling at 91 mph at the time of the crash on a stretch of highway where the speed limit is 65 mph. Add to that the already known fact that Corzine was not wearing a seat belt and was being driven by a state trooper whose job it is to enforce seat belt and speed limit laws, and you have the recipe for quite the political crap storm. I’m the last person to criticize anyone for breaking the speed limit, but the governor has to know that someone in a position of authority over a whole state cannot be involved in this kind of crash where he’s breaking multiple traffic laws with a law enforcement official there overlooking said violations. Corzine comes off as a major hypocrite in all of this, and I look forward to his teary eyed, scripted fake apology in a few days as he attempts to spin the whole mess into a big misunderstanding.

- Organized crime may not be as public or prominent in the United States as it was during the 1920s with Al Capone (although it does still exist in a very real way), but the mob is alive and well in Japan. An organized crime chief gunned down the mayor of Nagasaki on Tuesday because he was pissed about the city’s refusal to pay for repairs to his car when it was damaged at a public works construction site. Mayor Iccho Ito was shot twice in the back as he walked outside of a train station, with one bullet piercing his heart and causing cardiac arrest. The heart attack was fatal, and Ito died after emergency surgery at Nagasaki University Hospital. Tetsuya Shiroo, a senior member of the Yamaguchi-gumi crime syndicate, was tackled by officers at the scene of the crime and arrested after firing the fatal shots. All I can say is that if this is how Japanese mobsters react to their car getting scratched, I would hate to see how they react to something really major. Mental note to self: if ever in Japan, steer clear of any members of the Yamaguchi-gumi crime syndicate……

- Besides being an effective torture device for wives and girlfriends to use on their husbands and boyfriends, Dancing With the (D-list) Stars isn't anything but a glorified ballroom dancing class with terrible music that fills an hour of airtime less interestingly than a test pattern. However, is it too much to ask that your show not feature covers of crappy ‘80s music that sounds like it’s sung by Cookie Monster with a bad case of laryngitis? All you need to do is walk through a room where someone is watching that joke of a show and hear five seconds of that ear-assaulting crap-ola in order to realize how blessed you are not to have a wife or girlfriend who forces you to watch DTWDLS. Oh, and having former man-bander Joey Fatone on the show doesn’t do much for your credibility either.

A penchant for stating the obvious, a new low for the war in Iraq

- Time for news of more researchers wasting money “discovering” things that are more painfully obvious than a Michael Jackson nose job. The British-based Internet Watch Foundation has uncovered shocking evidence that over the past four years, child pornography on the Internet is becoming more brutal and more graphic. The group claims the number of images depicting violent abuse has risen fourfold since 2003. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe in a world where there’s a new sex scandal weekly, where porn sites comprise an unsightly majority of the ‘Net and where prisons are littered with pedophiles and sexual deviants, but it’s true. I’m just curious about one thing that the IWF researchers didn’t explain: after they figured out their new “discovery” that had to take all of half an hour because it’s so frickin’ obvious, what did they do over the remaining months of their “research” project? How did they spend the rest of their research money after using paying their high-speed access bill for the first time and realizing they had all the data they needed on Day One? Ah, the luxurious, simple life of an Internet researcher, where new insights and fresh analysis aren't needed and you can waste money figuring out something most seventh-graders could already tell you.

- The DWB defense didn’t work for former NFL player John Mobley, so now the ex-Denver Bronco is headed to jail for a seven-day sentence on a drunken-driving conviction. Mobley and his lawyers claimed he was the victim of racial profiling by police, i.e. driving while black, but Colorado’s Supreme Court refused to hear the argument and now Mobley is going to spend a week in the hole. The jail time can’t be the major concern here, because after all, it’s a week in county jail, not a huge ordeal. I’ve gotta believe that having a drunken-driving conviction on his record is of greater concern to Mobley. Still, arguing racial profiling on a DUI is weak, because your blood-alcohol content and failure of sobriety tests tends to prove you are indeed drunk, regardless of skin color. Whether the cop pulled you over because you are black (which is wrong), if you’re drunk and exhibiting signs of that in your driving, the tests they put you through will bear that out. Do your time, J., and in the future don’t give the cops any excuse to suspect you of driving drunk by, um, not driving when you’ve had a beer or six.

- So the war in Iraq seems to be going muuuuuuuch better…..if by better you mean that American troops are dying at the highest rate of any time since the war began. Military authorities announced the deaths of seven more service men and women over the weekend, bringing the running total to 3,308, or about 3,308 more than would have died if our bungling president hadn't created this pointless war in the first place. At the same time, prominent members of Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki’s cabinet loyal to a radical Muslim cleric have resigned, leading to growing speculation that Muqtada al-Sadr and his followers could be planning another confrontation with U.S. troops. For a war we’re supposedly winning and have a chance to emerge victorious from, does anyone else notice the dearth of good news or even remotely positive developments coming from the Mess O’ Potamia lately (or since the war began, either/or)? I know W. is not an intelligent or scholarly man, but does he really think that you spell victory as D-E-F-E-A-T or D-E-A-T-H?

- Normally I don’t make a point of reveling in the misfortune of others. However, I always make an exception when bad things happen to the New York Yankees, the most loathsome professional sports team in America. Any time anything negative happens to those arrogant, corporate sellouts short of a real tragedy like serious illness or the loss of life, I’m going to be the first one there for the celebration. So it is with great joy that I point out the current state of the Yankees’ starting rotation, with its top three starters on the disabled list. Mike Mussina, Chien Ming Wang and Carl Pavano are all on the DL, and now the starting five for the Yanks sports legendary names like Darrell Rasner, Kei Igawa and Chase Wright. Yes, the Chase Wright, the one who has made all of two starts at the AA level. With only the lowly Tampa Bay Devil Rays standing between them and last place, the 5-6 Yankees are relying on Rasner, Igawa and Chase Wright to right the ship. Compounding the hilarity is the knowledge that this is the team that a $200 million-plus payroll has bought, making it the biggest waste of money in New York since the Backstreet Boys’ final concert came to town in 2005.

- There are a few ways you can be certain of finding trouble in life, one of which is being Likes to Fight Guy. You probably know Likes to Fight Guy; he’s ready to throw down for any reason at any time, or for no reason at all. Insult his girl, cut in front of him in a line, look at him the wrong way, spill his beer or just be in his way when he’s having a bad day. Likes to Fight Guy doesn’t find trouble; he creates it. Such is the case with NBA referee Joey Crawford, whose self-created confrontation with San Antonio Spurs star Tim Duncan has landed Crawford a suspension for the remainder of the season, including the playoffs. Duncan is a notorious flat-liner who rarely shows any emotion or personality, but late last week Crawford ejected him from a game by giving Duncan his second technical foul as Timmy was sitting on the bench, laughing with his teammates. Crawford took the laughter as a personal affront and ejected Duncan, and according to Duncan Crawford also challenged him to a fight. NBA Commissioner David Stern is pissed at Crawford for his out-of-line conduct and thus the suspension. Crawford needs to learn that in the middle of an important NBA game is not the place to be Likes to Fight Guy. Do it at your favorite bar, do it at a party, do it in a pickup game at the Y, but not in a late-season game that is important to both teams involved. This only provides more evidence for critics who rip officials and umpires for having a God complex, for abusing their authority and for having vendettas against certain players.

The Chines government is running afoul of me while Pacman Jones is just plain foul

- I’m really developing a strong dislike for China, or more specifically the Chinese government. First, there was the announcement last week that the country’s Ministry of Public Security will be kicking off a six-month campaign to eliminate Internet porn in China and deprive all sexual freaks and perverts in their country the chance to get their online freak on, and now the government has destroyed 42 million pirated DVDs, CDs and pieces of computer software. Burning copies of movies and albums is the centerpiece of media consumption here in America, and I challenge you to find any movie or music lover who doesn’t own one or several dozen copied discs. Yet here’s the Chinese government, going all overbearing dictator on its citizens and destroying their bootleg copies of Borat, the new Killers album and their pirated version of Photoshop CS. Not everyone has to money to be actual legitimate copies of those items, Chinese government, so why you gotta go ripping their bootleg versions? Isn't life in a Communist country hard enough without the government forcefully ripping your burned CDs and DVDs and destroying them? Seems like there’s a race on that continent to see whose government can be more oppressive and restrictive of its citizens’ lives, China or Russia…..

- Now what are illegal immigrant women going to do? That’s the pertinent question after Juan Balderas-Orosco, a Mexican man charged with running a ring of brothels across America that forced immigrant women into prostitution, was sentenced to six years and eight months in prison for his crimes. Balderas-Orosco and twelve cohorts smuggled hundreds of women across the border and forced them to become prostitutes, often having sex with as many as 40 men a day. Hope you enjoy the next six years and eight months on American soil, Juan, because once that sentence ends, deportation is the next step. Call me crazy, but I don’t think that forced prostitution is what any anti-immigration critics have in mind when they say that those wishing to enter our country should be bringing something to the table and not just sponging off the rest of the country. Your life in your own country might be bad, but I find it very hard to believe that going to a foreign country and basically being forced to have sex with dirty, disgusting strangers all day, every day is an improvement. Maybe ol’ Juan will be forced into a special kind of prostitution of his own inside of prison, if you catch my drift…………

- Two of my least favorite things in the whole world came face to face with one another on a radio call-in show recently: Sen. Hank Clinton and American Karaoke. Hank was appearing as a part of his apocalyptic, sign-of-the-end-of-the-world presidential campaign (well, if dude is elected it will be apocalyptic) and some moron called in to ask what Hank thought should be done about hack karaoke-er Sanjaya, um, whatever his last name is. Hank quickly ducked the question, saying people can vote for whoever they want to vote for, just as they can in the presidential election. Actually, Hank is somewhat right in drawing a parallel between the presidential election and AK, because both frequently sport a bevy of unqualified, unappealing choices that make leave voters with the realization that they must vote for the least offensive of two possible options. Both situations involve a lot of fake, phony people and both waste an inordinate amount of television airtime that would be better served watching Sesame Street or reruns of Leave It to Beaver. However, Hank’s indirect, beat-around-the-bush answer to a question like this on a radio show does beg the question of what he’ll do when faced with actual political quandaries posed to him at debates and throughout the campaign.

- “I’m not a racist but…..” You hear those words and you know something racist is about to be said. It’s the ultimate contradiction, and anyone uttering that sentence ends up looking bad. Adam “Pacman” Jones of the Tennessee Titans looks nearly as bad for his own malapropism, put forth when asked about his reaction to the NFL (rightfully) suspending him for one full season for his many, many, many legal troubles and consistent run-ins with police. Jones was interviewed when he happened to be at ESPN’s Friday Night Fights boxing event in Mississippi, and during the course of the interview he unleashed the following gem when discussing his suspension: “For the most part, I’m taking it like a man, but I’m going to appeal.” Which one is it, Pacman? Are you taking it like a man and accepting your punishment, or are you going to be a whiny, petulant child, stomp your feet and appeal your suspension as if this isn't fair? If Pacman’s history is any indication, he’ll be going with the latter. He also had the audacity to allege that he’s the poster boy for the league in its crusade against felonious behavior by players, as if they’re singling him out to make a point and thus taking advantage of him. Nobody but you has had those dozen or so brushes with the law, Pacman, and even if you haven't been charged with a crime in the latest incident, you have past convictions and failed to report two arrests last offseason, which violates NFL rules. I do take issue with the whole poster boy notion, because that assumes that his punishment should be a warning to others who might follow in his footsteps and to be honest, I doubt anyone is going to go as far down Felon Road as this guy has. Others will get into trouble with the law, but I think other players will stop well short of visiting the cops as often as Pacman does. Oh, and you can appeal all you want, P., but you thinking you will win that appeal and be back on the field after missing only 10 games is as ludicrous a prediction as I’ve ever heard.

- Two days of protests in Russia have led to two consecutive days of police-administered beatdowns. For the second day in a row, anti-Kremlin demonstrators felt the wrath of the law, but take heart in knowing that Russian police are equal-opportunity abusers. Both young and old felt the cold steel of the policeman’s baton in St. Petersburg on Sunday. Protesters accurately claim that the harsh, overbearing use of force will only serve to fuel the argument that President Vladimir Putin is choking the life out of democracy and free speech in the country. Astonishingly, the major national television stations in Russia (controlled by Putin and his cronies) didn’t show much of the footage from the demonstrations. After all, when oppressing your people and stifling their right to speak out against you, who needs that kind of bad publicity shown on your nation’s airwaves. Better to oppress and abuse in anonymity, eh Vlad? By the way, I’d also like to thank President Putin for providing a glimpse of what life must have been like back in the days of Iron Curtain, since many of us aren't old enough to remember.

Russian riot led by a chess champion, a 42-year environmental goal and a not-so-bad sex scandal

- Glad to see that bigotry and racist thinking hasn’t totally been eliminated in Germany after all. The country that was responsible for the most gruesome genocide in world history still has some of that bigoted spirit in it, as evidenced by a German army training videotape in which an instructor tells a soldier to envision himself in New York City fighting hostile blacks while the soldier is firing his machine gun. Bronx Borough President Adolfo Carrion Jr. has demanded an apology from the German military because his borough is the one specifically mentioned in the tape. The German Defense Ministry has been aware of the video since it was shot in July but has offered little more than a feeble, scripted promise to investigate the matter. In the video, an instructor details a scenario in the Bronx where three young black men exit a black van and are “insulting your mother in the worst way.” Side note here, but is that not the single whitest thing you’ve ever heard, “insulting your mother in the worst way” as a phrase? Wow, hire a dialogue consultant so you can at least sound like you’re not speaking as a TV character in a 1950s family sitcom, German military. While you’re at it, also try dropping the whole bigoted, racist labeling of all criminals and also explain why your theoretical training exercise is set in the Bronx. Since when have German forces ever been sent to fight in the Five Boroughs? That’s what I thought……..

- Gary Kasparov isn't just a chess master, it seems. The former world chess champion who once battled a supercomputer in a man vs. machine match took on a different opponent Saturday. Kasparov was one of 2,000 protestors who took to the streets in a demonstration against the administration of President Vladimir Putin. The event was labeled the Dissenters March and was organized by a coalition of opposition groups. Their beef with Putin and Co. is that the administration’s social and economic policies are unjust and that the government has made a concerted effort to silence anyone who opposes it. Putin has asserted a high level of control over the country’s major television networks, meaning little or no airtime for those who speak out against him. I hate to be the one to point this out, but Russia looks to be moving back toward the policies and government of its Communist past rather than forward. Take heart, though, Russians, because like America your nightmare of a president will be serving out the last year of his final term in office next year and you can have the chance to vote in someone new and actually competent.

- When I set a goal, I like it to be clear cut, definitive and to have a specific time frame. Usually, though, that time frame is significantly less than 42 years. Not to nitpick, but those 42-year goals just don’t cut it most of the time. A lot can happen over the course of four-plus decades, and a goal you set 42 years ago doesn’t tend to hold up well. Even so, a collection of 1,300 rallies took place across the United States over the weekend to protest global warming and push Congress to require an 80 percent reduction in carbon dioxide emissions by 2050. The biggest rally took place in New York’s Battery Park, where the campaign labeled Step It Up 2007 drew a large crowd to make its voice heard. You can't totally fault the tree huggers, though, for setting such a far-reaching goal. Analytical, insightful thinking backed by logic is not the centerpiece of the environmentalist movement, so cut them a little bit of slack. Also, I think there needs to be a clarification here: do you want the actual cut in carbon dioxide emissions by 2050, or do you merely want Congress to pass a bill to that effect by 2050? The latter might be doable, but I can more or less guarantee that the former is not.

- The Naval Academy doesn’t mess around. The academy has expelled Lamar Owens Jr., a former football player who was cleared of rape last summer but convicted of lesser charges. Not only is Owens expelled for conduct the school deems “unsatisfactory”, he has been ordered to reimburse the Naval Academy $90,797.75. The key, of course, are the 75 cents, because that’s what really matters here. You know it’s a tough school when not only do you get kicked out for a criminal conviction, but the school demands that you give it money for kicking you out. As a football player at a place like Florida State or Miami, you don’t get kicked out for a conviction such as Owens’, you get to move up on the depth chart. At the Naval Academy, you are expelled and you’ll spend the next four or five years trying to pay back the money you owe. In other words, Navy is never going to become an elite football program if it continues to conduct itself this way.

- A melancholy happy trails to Don Ho, the famous entertainer and singer from Hawaii who crooned the all-time classic jingle Tiny Bubbles. While I realize that most people under the age of 40 don’t have much of a clue who Don Ho actually was and why he’s famous, but for several decades, Don Ho entertained tourists on the island of Waikiki and Hollywood stars such as Lucille Ball, Sammy Davis Jr. and Frank Sinatra were known to frequent his shows. Additionally, anyone who can rock a Hawaiian shirt like that deserves props, so here’s to you, Don Ho, Hawaii won't be the same without you.

- Color me misguided, but here’s a school sex scandal I can get with. The reasoning behind that is actually very simple: it doesn’t involve a teacher, administrator or staff member engaging in any sort of sexual activity with a minor. That alone is good news, and when you factor in that the incident in question took place between two adults well above the age of consent, I’m really inclined to say that this is the least offensive school sex scandal in recent memory. Leroy Coleman, the principal at a suburban Chicago elementary school, and teacher Janet Lofton were both forced to resign after anonymous individual mailed out copies of a tape showing the pair having sex in the principal’s office. To quote George Costanza when confronted with allegations of on-the-job sex, “Is that wrong?” I assume the district has rules about this sort of behavior, and if it took place during school hours, then that is a problem. However, if the sexual activity took place during non-school hours, shouldn’t we be celebrating the “restraint” these two showed? They didn’t break any laws and aside from being dumb enough to tape themselves, they’re not harming anyone. And yes, I do realize it’s a sad commentary on how sick and twisted parts of our society have become when I’m relieved simply because a sex scandal doesn’t involve adults harming children.

Chinese porn crackdowns, lame tax stories and America's 36 percent idiot quotient

- Many of the volunteers who go into prisons are religious groups who engage in different ministry activities with inmates. The idea is to share things with those inmates that will tend to their spiritual needs and perhaps provide them with a way to change themselves and their lives. That is apparently not the idea of ministry espoused by Rev. Teresa Darden Clapp, a prison chaplain in New City, N.Y. Rev. Clapp is being investigated for distributing anti-Islamic literature to inmates, including booklets with derogatory depictions of the prophet Muhammad. There’s no reason for this kind of action and no need for it, because last I checked, you can share your beliefs and your religious views without denigrating other religions. I can't really find the part of the Bible where Jesus mocks and belittles other religious beliefs. Saying another religion is wrong theologically is one thing, but looking to make fun of that other religion and put it down is another. When the average non-Christian person forms negative stereotypes and opinions about Christianity, these are the kinds of incidents they think about, and Rev. Clapp is really hurting her own religion more than she is hurting Islam with her actions.

- Good luck with your new project, Chinese government. Officials there are looking to crack down on online porn, claiming it has “perverted China’s young minds.” First, let me say that your claim of perversion is probably correct, China. Porn tends to have that kind of effect on people, although often it’s a reflection of how sick and twisted they already are as opposed to a driving force in creating that sickness and twistedness. Still, online porn is responsible for a disturbingly large portion of Internet content, and I seriously doubt you all are going to be able to totally restrict your citizens’ access to it. The Ministry of Public Security will spearhead the campaign and look to target cyber strip shows and sexually explicit images, videos and audio clips. Something tells me that with more than a billion people in your country, you are going to have a very difficult time cutting off everyone’s access to online porn, but it’s a worthy goal and hopefully the Chinese have success accomplishing it.

- No place in America is incompetence rewarded more handsomely than the NBA. Already, New York Knicks coach/GM Isaiah Thomas received a contract extension for coaching his team to a win total in the mid-thirties and missing the playoffs. Now comes speculation that the Boston Celtics are about to give head coach Doc Rivers a contract extension after he has “led” his squad to the worst record in the whole Eastern Conference and the second-worst record in the NBA. The Celtics’ only hope in lieu of their atrocious, underachieving campaign is to land one of the top two picks in June’s NBA draft and select either of the two top phenoms expected to be available, Kevin Durant or Greg Oden. Despite the fact that Rivers’ teams have seen their win totals go down from 45 his first year of his current contract to a current total of 23 in this season, the Celts’ brass seems to feel that he’s doing a bang up job and deserves an extension. Following this logic, if he wants another extension when this new deal is up, he’d better get that win total down into single digits and he’ll be good to go.

- Tax day is this coming week, and you know what that means: it’s time for an annual favorite of mine, the TV news reporter stationed outside the post office interviewing tax procrastinators as they rush to have their taxes postmarked by midnight on April 17. These interviews are always verrrrrry insightful and so fresh. You never get tired of some lazy schmuck explaining that he was up all night trying to hammer out form 1040-EZ and get it to the post office in time. I’m still not sure why I’m supposed to care about these people and their quest to turn their taxes in on time, but I guaran-frickin’-tee that almost every local station in America will have a story along these lines on its broadcast.

- Just so you know, 36 percent of America is incredibly stupid. This isn't an arbitrary number, either. I based this statement on the fact that in the most recent poll measuring W.’s approval rating, 36 percent of Americans say they approve of the job this clown is doing. I can think of no better measure of stupidity than whether or not someone is able to realize that we are currently experiencing the worst and most incompetent president in our nation’s history. Giving this bozo a positive approval is like saying you’re a fan of the health benefits of the Ebola virus or that you think a shotgun blast to the head is a great remedy for headaches. The findings of this new poll do offer some consolation, though, because when other issues come up and I find myself wondering how so many people can be so ignorant or clueless on a topic, I can think back and realize that these are probably the same IQ-deprived dipwads who gave a thumbs up to W. and his work in the Oval Office.

Airport bathroom sex acts, Toledo football closer to the big time and a musical tragedy

- The rest of the Mid-American Conference needs to pick up the slack and stop forcing the University of Toledo to do this all by itself. By “this” I mean turning the conference’s mid-major label into a thing of the past and seeing the MAC become one of collegiate athletics’ true power conferences. UT got the ball rolling last month when it was revealed that football player Scooter McDougle was involved in a gambling ring with a Detroit-area con and recruited other UT athletes to shave points and fix games. Now, heeding my call for an assault case of some sort as the second step in the push toward true big time status, UT has come through again. Football player Richard Davis has been arrested and charged with attempted aggravated burglary after showing up at what he thought was a teammate’s house with a shotgun in an attempt to settle a dispute between the two. However, this Mensa went to the wrong house and was arrested by a sheriff’s deputy who lives in that house. Davis, the Rockets’ second leading rusher last season, may not be a criminal mastermind, but he does put UT two-thirds of the way to the Powerhouse Football Program trifecta. Add this to the gambling scandal and all you need now is some academic fraud to put your program over the top. I do have to ask exactly what Toledo coach Tom Amstutz is doing with his team, because he doesn’t seem to have any sort of control over these guys nor does he appear to be recruiting athletes who are smart or possess much character. In other words, he’s trying to create a powerhouse and he doesn’t care what he has to do to get there. Good work, Tommy, keep it up.

- Angelina Jolie is not going to be happy about this. Her unspoken mission to adopt a child from every single country in Asia and Africa has hit a snag as the Russian government has put a halt to the work of all foreign adoption agencies in the country. The shutdown, projected to last several months at least, will halt placement of children from one of the most important countries for U.S. families looking to adopt a foreign child. The delay is a result of a new adoption law passed last year that is complicating the registration process. You can do what you want, Russkies, it’s your country, but just remember that you’re the ones who are going to have to look Lara Croft, Tomb Raider in the face and explain to her why she can't adopt little Vladimir or Nadia.

- Dear God, it is getting worse. I thought teaming Jennifer Lopez and American Karaoke was the worst musical idea ever. That still may be true, but there’s a good chance that after this week, when these talentless hacks/glorified karaoke contestants attempt to sing the most offensive genre of music to the ears, country, that things could actually get worse. Even when sung by “qualified” professionals, country music is excruciatingly bad. When sung by unqualified karaoke singers on a pathetic reality TV show….let’s just say the results will be catastrophic. I’ve never watched AK, but I can still make a suggestion to the show’s producers that will surely be beneficial: Don’t make these losers try so many varying kinds of music, because they have enough trouble with the pre-packaged, overproduced pop crap they’re going to be singing anyhow. Cut out the country, Latin, polka and whatever the heck else you have them do and restrict them to the types of music that they have the least potential to butcher. You’re already setting music back a decade by the charade you’re pulling, so please heed my suggestion so you don’t make it worse.

- What’s worse than going to a foreign country and putting your life on the line by fighting in a war that is unjustified and unnecessary? When the army you’re fighting for then shortchanges you on disability pay if you are injured, life becomes that much more difficult. That’s the allegation being made against the Army, rating the severity of injuries suffered by soldiers on a scale that is shady and inconsistent. Allegations made in a recent congressional hearing indicate that the Army may be trying to save money by underrating the severity of soldiers’ injuries. Hearing that truly warms my heart, as it should yours, because what better thank you, what better gesture of appreciation can our government show to those who are injured fighting an abomination of a war created entirely by a warmongering president who refuses to admit his mistakes than to deny them the proper benefits? Do the physicals used to rate the level of injury also include a complimentary punch to the groin, or is that extra?

- Now here’s something I never saw when flying through Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport: public sex acts. I’ve flown through the ATL a few times recently, and not once did I see what police uncovered during an investigation to catch airport luggage thieves. More than 30 people have been arrested in the past three months for getting their freak on in airport restrooms. The reason the cops were surveilling the restrooms was to find luggage thieves who snag items off the baggage carousel and root through them in the privacy of a bathroom stall. Instead, police discovered that there are more ways to pass a long airport layover than reading People magazine and playing computer solitaire. Personally, I don’t understand the appeal of getting after it in a dirty, filthy, disgusting public restroom, but maybe that’s just me. Whatever happened to the Mile High Club anyhow? If you’re going to get some action while traveling, at least make it a noteworthy story like sexing it up in the airplane bathroom at 20,000 feet. The glamour is lost if you have to explain that you hooked up in a skuzzy public restroom on top of a clogged-up toilet and standing on a floor that reeks of urine and ammonia.

Shady prosecutors, crazy Mike Tyson and why you can get away with any crime as long as you don't cheat on your taxes

- I don’t know about you, but I have felt substantially safer the past few months knowing Mike Tyson is behind bars. Following his Dec. 29 arrest in Scottsdale, Ariz. on charges of drug possession and driving under the influence of drugs, Tyson finally has a trial date: August 20. America’s favorite insane former boxer could be sentenced to as much as 7 ½ years in prison if convicted on all four counts facing him. Ultimately, the most discouraging part of this is that this legal mumbo-jumbo is preventing Iron Mike from continuing work on that facial tattoo that now sits half-completed on the left side of his face. The next pretrial hearing in the case is set for May 24, but Tyson will only participate by phone so as to not interrupt his treatment, according to his lawyers. Spin it any way you want guys, but I think we all know you’re making the smart play by staying as far away from that crazy dude as possible at all times. The less often you put yourself into direct contact with Tyson, the safer you are.

- Most of us have heroes, people we idolize and put on a pedestal because they are great athletes, musicians, actors, politicians or role models in some sense. Likewise, many people who feel a friend of loved one has been wrongfully convicted of a crime fight to clear that person’s name even after that loved one has passed away. However, that doesn’t mean it’s anything but idiotic to fight for a pardon for the governor when your favorite musician, now deceased, was convicted of indecent exposure and profanity at a concert…..in 1969. Dave Diamond, a cable TV producer and fan of Morrison and the Doors, is asking Florida Governor Charlie Crist to pardon Morrison for those charges. Diamond wants people to remember Morrison as a musician, not as a rock n’ roll bad boy with a rap sheet, but that’s where I think his efforts become even more misguided. Besides fighting to absolve a deceased man of a minor crime that nearly everyone has forgotten about, Diamond is ignoring that fact that being lawbreakers and wild men are what make rock n’ rollers the icons they are. Bad behavior is expected, hence the sex, drugs and rock and roll idea. Glad to see Dave Diamond is focused on what really matters in life, though. After all, Jim Morrison should really appreciate it if he is pardoned, assuming that those urban legends about him still being alive and living with Elvis somewhere in the United States are true.

- Now it’s not just the foods you eat that can poison or sicken you, it’s the hygiene products you use after eating that are dangerous too. Listerine, which recently launched a new mouthwash product specifically targeted at children, is now recalling that same product because it could be dangerous to those very same kids due to contamination with microorganisms. Listerine Agent Cool Blue plaque-detecting rinse, which is supposed to color any plaque left on teeth blue, instead is likely to infect your mouth with some nasty little microorganisms and thus all 4 million bottles that have been distributed thus far are being recalled. Call me crazy, but this is not the best way to launch a product. If you need to recall it right away, odds are you should have taken more time to prepare said product for its launch.

- Here’s more proof that you can do whatever you want in America, no matter how lewd, reckless, disgusting and borderline illegal and get away with it, but the second you try to screw the IRS out of tax money, you’re goin’ down. Joe Francis, creator of the Girls Gone Wild video series, has been slapped with charges that his company claimed more than $20 million in false business expenses on tax returns. Francis and his company have been in brushes with the law before, but have mostly gotten off unscathed. This time, though, he’s messed with the IRS, and the government gets extremely pissed when you try to scheme them out of tax money. The claims of $20 million in business expenses is especially dubious coming from a production company whose main expenses are buying liquor to help get girls drunk enough to flash the camera and paying sleazy cameramen to film said action. It’s not like you all have a bunch of intelligent, Mensa-like thinkers working there, so don’t try lying on your taxes because you of all people aren’t going to get away with it. Enjoy prison, Joe, I’m sure many of the guys you meet there will be big fans of your work……

- Rich college lacrosse players fought the law and the rich college lacrosse players won. Charges against the three Duke University athletes accused of gang-raping a stripper at a party have been dropped, ending a shoddy, politically driven prosecution by now ex-prosecutor Mike Nifong that ended up wasting a lot of money and time and ruining a lot of lives. Nifong clearly wanted to use this case as a means to re-election, and he did that. However, he was also fired because of the way he handled the case, so ultimately he got what was coming to him. The three lacrosse players, Reade Seligmann, David Evans and Collin Finnerty, had to endure ridicule, condemnation and presumed guilt from many on their campus and around the country, and for that, they deserve some sympathy. Notice I said some, not total sympathy. They are guilty of boorish behavior, acting like spoiled rich kids and crossing ethical lines in what they did at that party. They may not have been guilty of criminal activity, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t do anything wrong. Charges like rape don’t just pop up when absolutely nothing wrong has taken place. These three guys should take a lesson from this, and it’s not that money and affluence can buy you out of tough situations. They should learn and remember that staying out of jail doesn’t mean that what you did was right or justified, it just means it wasn’t criminal.

Real World redux, a London screw job

- Few things are creepier than seeing that photo of Larry Birkhead standing outside a courthouse in the Bahamas, arms raised triumphantly over his head after learning that he is officially the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Glad to see you’re so troubled by Smith’s passing, L, and that you are committed to raising your child in a responsible, non-exploitative fashion. Oops, you mean that you’re already exploiting the kid for your personal benefit and are so jubilant because you realize what this development means to you financially as the child’s biological father? Well, I’m sure that this baby girl no chance at all to be screwed up by being raised by a publicity hungry, out-for-money loser and with the knowledge that her mother died in such tragic fashion. This kid will be just fiiiiine…………………

- What a way to start your “home” season if you’re the Cleveland Indians. Following four consecutive snowouts in Cleveland as they tried to kick off the home portion of their schedule, the Tribe took a trip to Milwaukee to their new temporary home at Miller Park. While the Brewers, the stadium’s normal tenant, were out of town, the Indians had a three-game “homestand” against the Los Angeles Angels. Ticket prices were set at $10 and only the lower bowl of the stadium was open for the games. I’m sure there was a very homey feel for these games, what with the minuscule crowds that showed up and the fact that most of them were just baseball fans in general, not a fan of either the Indians or the Angels. Thanks a bunch, Major League Baseball, for not having the good sense to schedule the first week of the season in the 15 warm weather or dome-having cities in the league so we can avoid having entire series snowed out and seeing neutral site home openers with indifferent fans in the stands.

- It’s the cruise ship crash that keeps on giving. After a Greek cruise ship sank off the coast of the popular tourist island of Santorini, necessitating a rescue at sea for 1,600 passengers and having two French tourists lost in the fracas, word now comes that a major oil spill has resulted from the crash. Funny how ramming into a volcanic reef tends to cause that sort of thing, eh? With the captain being charged with negligence and blaming choppy seas for the crash, the ship said captain wrecked and sunk is leaking massive quantities of oil that cleanup crews are struggling to deal with. The time may be coming where we really need to go ahead and shut down the whole cruise ship industry, for both the well being of potential passengers who will undoubtedly contract some sort of illness or virus on their cruises, and for the sake of the environment, which tends to be harmed with hundreds of gallons of oil are leaked into it.

- Speaking of creepy, MTV has decided that no longer is its Real World franchise all about hooking up seven strangers in a ridiculously pimped-out house and waiting to see how many people they can sex up in said house. Instead, the network will reunite the entire cast from its Las Vegas incarnation of the series in the very same Palms penthouse they made famous the first time around. It is mildly sad, although totally predictable, that none of these people have advanced in life enough that they don’t still have time to go be reality TV characters for a few months. People who end up on a show like Real World typically are looking to become famous, launch acting careers and if all else fails, become a member of the Real World/Road Rules challenge series and try to glean a living off of that. They’re not aspiring to become doctors, lawyers, civil engineers and college professors; they want to have sex with their cast mates, live in fancy digs and get their face on TV. I would say it’s also sad that MTV is getting so lazy as to simply recycle past casts in the same locale, but it’s not that dumb of a move. People who enjoyed this group the first time around will tune in to see what these seven schlubs have become. If we’re lucky, cast member Trishelle Cannatella will go all out to launch her career in the porn industry during the season and add some excitement to the proceedings. She’s headed there, it’s just a matter of time………

- I feel bad for music fans in London, because in this summer’s Live Earth concerts (to be held July 7), Londoners got stuck with an atrocious lineup of awful music that includes both Madonna and the Black Eyed Peas. While other cities around the globe get Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Kanye West, Keane, John Mayer, Bloc Party, Snow Patrol and others, if you’re in London you get Madge and a group of talentless hacks whose lead singer seems only able to craft songs revolving around how hot she thinks she is and how many guys want to sleep with her. The only way the London show would work well in helping raise awareness about the environment is if you could pay to have those acts not perform. I’d pay double the price of admission if I could be assured that the Peas would not be performing in my city.

NFL justice, a controversial hug and a money laundering track star

- The best piece of news for NFL fans worldwide has nothing to do with this month’s draft or any free agent signing their team might have made this offseason. The suspensions handed down by commissioner Roger Goodell to Adam “Pacman” Jones of the Tennessee Titans and Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals are a huge step in the right direction for the league. These two bozos have been in troubles with the cops at an infuriating rate, with Jones having a dozen brushes with the law the past few years, two arrests and a felony charge on the way in the Las Vegas strip club melee in February and Henry having four freaking arrests in the past year. Amidst an outcry for swift and severe punishment against players who can't stop getting arrested, Goodell popped Jones with a one-year suspension from the NFL and hit Henry with an eight-game ban. Although the commish insists that each future case involving player misconduct will be taken on a case-by-case basis, this sets a great precedent. Now, players will think twice before they give alcohol to minors, incite riots at strip clubs, assault women and drive drunk. They’ll know that the hammer is going to come down on them if they act like an idiot and they will lose their chance to play in the NFL and earn millions of dollars if they can't stop visiting the insides of jail cells. As for these two cases in particular, I’m glad to see these two felons get such a severe punishment. You cannot argue that a guy who has a dozen run-ins with the cops just needs a second chance, because he’s already had nine or ten of those. Henry and Jones are both guys with enormous talent, but that kind of talent has to be balanced with at least a fraction of common sense and responsibility. You don’t have to be a saint or a constant do-gooder, all you need to do is stay out of jail and not abuse drugs and alcohol and no one from the NFL will give you trouble. The NFL will be a much better place when players like Jones and Henry either learn their lesson and reform their lives or are kicked out of the league for good.

- When you’re the President of the United States of America, what higher honors can you really aspire to? You’re the most powerful man in the world, sitting in the most prestigious office there is. However, I truly believe that our despised, ridiculed leader W. has received an honor that he is truly deserving of and one that fits his unique “accomplishments” in office to a “T”. The Jefferson Muzzle awards, given annually by the Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Speech, has bestowed its loftiest honor on the W. administration for its efforts to discourage, mute and censor government scientists who fail to get in line with the administration’s policies, namely its policies on global warming. While W. and his henchmen have certainly done more ignominious things, things like lying about WMD’s in Iraq and indefinitely prolonging the disgrace of a war that never should have begun, this is definitely worthy of honoring. What says America more than leaning on those who dare to disagree with you and coercing them into changing their position? This should definitely go up on the mantle of the fireplace in the White House, because let’s face it, if W. is holding out for honors and awards for things he’s done right, he’s never going to have anything for that mantle.

- A melancholy happy trials to Johnny Hart, creator of the B.C. and Wizard of Id comic strips, staples of the funny pages for decades. Hart’s passing is a sad day, because his strips were always funny and thoughtful. However, it is good news to learn that family member will continue the strips, including many who have been assisting Hart with both comics for several years. Hart was never afraid to let his comics share what he believed in, and I hope that same spirit will continue even with him gone. Thanks for all the years of laughs and warmth, Johnny, you’ll be missed.

- The last time I remember anyone getting this pissed off about a hug, Scott Evil was screaming at Dr. Evil to stop being a “lazy eyed psycho” and trying to force Scotty to hug his old man. Radical Islamic clerics have demanded that Pakistani Minister of Tourism Nilofar Bakhtiar be fired after she had the audacity to, gasp, hug a foreign man. Bakhtiar said she now fears for the safety of her family and friends after rejecting the suggestion that her “great sin” should be punished. Two clerics at the Islamabad Red Mosque are demanding Bakhtiar’s dismissal, going so far as to set up a court to deliver Islamic justice on the issue. It’s a direct challenge to President Gen. Pervez Musharraf, who is a strong U.S. ally, much to the disapproval of the Islamic factions of Pakistan. Hey Islamic clerics, you might not like your president aligning himself with America, but picking an issue like your minister of tourism hugging a foreign man as your issue to make a stand and challenge the president on is weak and pathetic.

- Tim Montgomery once ran lightning-fast sprints down the track at the Summer Olympics. Now, the man who once held the title of “World’s Fastest Human” will be doing his running inside the exercise yard of a federal prison. On Monday, Montgomery pleaded guilty Monday to conspiracy in a multimillion-dollar bank fraud and money-laundering scheme. When his sentencing hearing is held November 1 (ah, gotta love expedited American justice, six months just to hold a sentencing hearing), he will be facing between 37 and 46 months behind bars. Along with his former coach Steven Riddick and 11 others, Montgomery took part in an alleged conspiracy to deposit $5 million in stolen, altered or counterfeit checks at several banks over three years. The scam involved cashing and depositing a series of checks in an attempt to rip off a whole lot of people, but even the speedy Tim Montgomery could not outrun the feds on this one. Once he serves his sentence, I would recommend that he try to avoid any further cheating and scheming, because he doesn’t seem to be very good at either. You may recall that his world record in the 100-meter dash, the race that won him that title as the fastest man on earth, was actually wiped off the books after he was implicated for steroid use in the BALCO scandal. To review, he cheated on the track, was caught and banned for track and field for two years, then he cheated in life in an attempt to launder millions of dollars and will be going to prison. Find a new approach to life, Timmy, because your current one isn't working out so well.

A bad first week for the Yankees, another bad week for cruise ships

- I take back everything I’ve said for the past few months about the war in Iraq and what a debacle it is. W. is right, we’re winning and we can achieve victory! After all, what says that we’re winning like a prominent Iraqi cleric issuing an anti-American order for the country’s army and police to band together in the fight to expel the “archenemy” from their country, America being that archenemy? Can’t you feel the momentum train a-rollin’ down the tracks, ready to quash……aww, screw it, I can’t keep typing these lies. I’d like to go all patriotic and say that someone issuing and order like this is crap and that we need to take this guy out, but here’s the problem: while his solution is bogus, the problem he sees is real and his anger is valid. We’re in their country, trying to keep military rule and tell them how they need to run their nation. The reason we’re in this position is because we invaded without just cause, under false pretenses (WMD’s, suuuuurrrre) and now we refuse to leave because our president is a ginormous horse’s ass who is too proud and/or stupid to admit that this has become a complete debacle. Muqtade al-Sadr might not be a person you’d invite over for dinner, but tell me you wouldn’t be pissed if someone invaded your country, overthrew your government and refused to leave until…..well, I don’t know what could cause us to leave Iraq, because W. doesn’t seem to have that part of the plan hammered out yet. But rest secure, America, because our lying leader continues to insist that things are just fine and that everything will work out A-OK, so nothing to worry about here…..except everything.

- Glad to see that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is keeping his eye on the ball. Huckabee is pissed at fellow candidate Mitt Romney over that most important of campaign issues, lying about being a hunter. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am saddened to report that Mitt Romney lied about being lifelong hunter and has, in fact, only been hunting twice in his life. This lie ranks right up there with Watergate, lying about the WMD’s and Bill Clinton lying about the whole Monica Lewinsky situation. To insist that one has been a hunter all his life, then to admit that is not the case is devastating. Dare I say, it even makes a person unfit to serve in office. Either that, or it’s a trivial, pointless piece of information for a man who clearly has bigger problems, chiefly that he’s named after a piece of baseball equipment. Huckabee clearly wants to establish that Romney is a liar and not trustworthy, and you can be sure that he will use this insignificant incident to try and establish that if Romney will lie about being a hunter, he’ll lie about everything else and blah, blah, blah……..AWW, SHUT YOUR MOUTH, MIKE HUCKABEE! If your campaign is so feeble and desperate that you’re clinging to something like this more than a year away from the election, then you don’t have much hope of winning anyhow. Like I give a crap whether Mitt Romney is a hunter or not. What you have ensured, Huckabee, is that I won't be voting for you, even if I were dumb enough to vote for another Republican after the eight-year running joke of a Republican we will have had in the Oval Office by the time 2008 comes to a close.

- More developments in the case of the Greek cruise ship that crashed into a volcanic reef off the coast of Santorini last week. With two French tourists missing (maybe they simply surrendered to the first person they saw with a weapon, as is the French custom?) and finding himself under indictment on charges of negligence, the ship’s captain is doing what all truly courageous, stand-up men do in times of crisis; he’s trying to push the blame off on someone, or rather something else. The captain is blaming rough sea currents for the crash, a wise move on his part because it’s kinda hard to go back several days and measure the sea currents in the middle of the Aegean, where the water provides and ever-changing landscape and there’s no definitive way to prove or disprove the captain’s claim. On the plus side, this does give me another entry for my list of cruise ship hazards, going right below Norovirus, volcanic reefs itching for a collision and ice bergs. So add blame-averse ship captains to the list, and be on the lookout for the next cruise ship disaster that is sure to come some time this week. Isn't it awesome to have something to look forward to every single week?

- Let this be a lesson to all of the high schools, colleges and universities out there that are procrastinating when it comes to finding a speaker for your institution’s graduation ceremonies. Ah-nold Schwarzenegger, the Gover-nator, has been chosen to speak to British Conservative Party about the environment at the party’s annual conference. Ostensibly, the BCP actually sought out the Gover-nator to be its speaker. Party leader David Cameron is trying to sell that lie, but it’s about as convincing as O.J.’s search for the real killers. Nobody actually wants Ah-nold to speak to their group for a special occasion, unless your group is sci-fi dorks who are debating the social significance of the Terminator movies and trying to predict when the actual war between man and machines will happen. This is what happens when you whiff on your first four or five options for a speaker and end up with, say David Hasselhoff as your special guest at graduation. Plus, the BCP is going to have the added expense of hiring a translator for Ah-nold so they can actually understand what the man is saying. Next time, save your money and bring in Jerry Seinfeld or Dane Cook, it’ll be a lot more entertaining and probably just as informative.

- Most “developments” this early in the Major League Baseball season aren't worth much. Teams have played one week’s worth of games, six or seven of 162 contests that aren't enough of a sample to make significant judgments on. However, it’s never too early to revel in a bad start to a given season for the team everyone outside of the Brooklyn/Bronx/Manhattan area loves to despise, the New York Yankees. The Yanks ended their first week of the 2007 season with a record of 2-3, with not a single starting pitcher making it out of the fifth inning in any of the five games, their starting left fielder Hideki Matsui on the disabled list with a strained left hamstring and third baseman Alex Rodriguez on his mercurial, roller coaster act that so endears him to Yankee fans on an annual basis. On opening day, A-Rod dropped an easy pop up for an error and made an out in a key situation, a blunder he then repeated in the second game of the year. Most teams can overlook a slow start, but when your payroll is more than $200 million and you have the most impatient owner in all of sports, George Steinbrenner, you don’t have that luxury. The Boss is probably already pondering who he can fire or trade, and the bad news for the Yanks is that despite a stacked offense that should score a lot of runs this season, their pitching isn't going to miraculously get better, not with the immortal Brett Rasner in the rotation. Here’s hoping this is the season the Yankees finally miss the playoffs, if for no other reason than it’ll be fun to see the looks of utter despair and shock on the faces of Sal from Brooklyn, Joey from the Bronx and their loathsome owner as Big Stein blows a gasket.

Catch and release with illegal immigrants, a great Commie riot in Nepal and the MLB schedule is created by morons

- Don’t you illegal immigrants dare sneak across the U.S.-Mexico border or else we’ll…..we’ll…..do absolutely nothing. Nothing appears to be the preferred course of action in dealing with most illegal immigrants to the United States. More than 98 percent of those entering illegally via our southern border between 2000 and 2005 were not prosecuted at all. These 5.3 million border crashers were simply escorted back across the border into Mexico and turned loose. Well, that’s not a problem at all. I’m sure they all learned their lesson and the strict admonishment of the border patrol set them all straight. None of them turned around and tried to sneak across the border again the next day, that’s for sure. The Justice Department has been pressing for more prosecution against illegals, but you know that our government specializes in red tape and bureaucratic delay, so expect that to take place about the same time we find those elusive WMD’s in Iraq.

- Know who throws some of the best riots? Nepal, that’s who. Just like in high school and college there’s always a guy or a group of buddies who throw the best keggers and the parties that always end up getting raided by the cops, there are countries that just know how to riot. Nepalese citizens took to the streets in protest for a verrrrrrry good reason this week: to protest the country holding the Miss Nepal pageant. Maoists and women’s rights groups led the uber-violent protests, with nearly 200 people, including members of Maoist affiliated Young Communist League and Maoists women's wing, staged protests at the main gate and attempted to keep contestants from entering the venue. The following very enlightened quote was lifted from literature distributed by the dissidents and explains why these commies are acting like such idiots: “We oppose the beauty contest because it promotes woman as an object for advertisement and damages their prestige by commercializing beauty.” Well put, people, assuming you live in the 17th century, have no active brain cells and operate under the assumption that communism is a valid option of government. Even angry feminists here in America don’t make that much of a fuss about beauty pageants because (and this may come as a shock to you) the contestants participate voluntarily. Hard to argue the whole exploitation angle when the women take part of their own free will. Why can't you all be more like the Sherpas, the cool mountain dwellers who can scale Nepal’s tall mountains in under a day? Now those people reflect positively on your country, whereas you ass clowns just make Nepal look like a backwards, socially retarded misfit in the international community.

- The schedule makers in Major League Baseball need to pool up their spare change, go down to the local convenience store and buy a travel map. These dopes annually fail to realize that scheduling early season games in cold weather cities is a bad idea. With 15 of MLB’s 30 teams in either warm-weather cities (California, Texas, Arizona, Florida or Georgia) or having domed stadiums, the scheduling brain deads eschew using these sites for first-week games and giving the weather an extra week to turn more spring-like in the cold-weather cities. Thus, you have series like the Seattle-Cleveland series in Cleveland, where all three games were snowed out and a scheduling nightmare has ensued because this was to be the Mariners’ only visit to C-Town this year. Oh, and Seattle is one of those cities with a dome, so having the series there and avoiding the snow would have been a smart concept. There’s no reason I need to see a White Sox-Twins game in Chicago with all of the players wearing ski mask/hood combinations, blowing on their hands constantly and looking like they’re about to turn into giant icicles when the Twins have a dome and the series could just as easily have been played there. I’m here if you need any help with that whole schedule-making thingy, MLB, and from the looks of it, you need a lot of help.

- Shawn White and Travis Pastrana can call themselves extreme athletes if they want (and I do love the Flying Tomato), but I’m going to throw my support firmly behind my main man Martin Strel. Strel just completed a nine-week Herculean effort to swim the length of the Amazon River, a 3,272-mile odyssey fraught with danger from all kinds of threats. Strel’s swim put him in the same river as piranhas, bull sharks and the toothpick fish, an animal that swims into body orifices and sucks blood. He suffered from dizziness, vertigo, high blood pressure, diarrhea, nausea and delirium, among other ailments. Dolphins swam alongside Strel for portions of his journey and in order to reach his goal of swimming the length of the world’s second-longest river, he even mixed in some night swimming (cue R.E.M. if you have it). Some lasting souvenirs from the adventure that Strel will have are the many abrasions and chafing from his wet suit and the remnants of the chronic insomnia that he developed over the past nine weeks. But I have to believe if you asked Strel if making the trip was worth it, he would say yes and he would be right. That’s about as macho of an effort as any athlete can make, and my respect for this dude’s toughness and testicular fortitude could not be higher. Good job, Marty, what you did is the most balls-to-the-wall athletic feat I can imagine and one I doubt anyone else will have the guts to try for a long time.

- Nice to see that airline passengers aren't the only ones who are pissed off. Ordinarily travel delays, lost luggage, whiny toddlers and idiotic security regulations on toothpaste irritate passengers to the point of rage, but a cursing pilot at the airport in Detroit may have topped all of that. The Northwest Airlines pilot on a Detroit-to-Las Vegas flight forced the flight’s cancellation after a cursing rage that included a tirade directed at a passenger. The pilot was in a heated cell phone conversation in the cockpit, then went into a lavatory and continued the conversation. Somewhere during the incident, he cursed out a passenger and the whole fracas ultimately led to the flight’s cancellation. Not that I’d want a pissed-off pilot with a severe case of air rage flying my plane (unless I really needed to get somewhere and couldn’t afford a delay), but I’m wondering exactly what sort of designation or code the airline used for the flight status screens in the terminal to explain this nice surprise. “CANCELED - PISSED OFF PILOT” doesn’t exactly fit on a single line, does it? Ironically, this all took place in the same city (Romulus, Mich., where the airport is technically located) as last week’s incident featuring the mother who agreed to let a man who turned out to be an undercover cop take pornographic pictures of and have sex with her 7-year-old daughter. Nice city you folks have up there, Romulus, raging lunatic pilots and parents pimping out their young children.

Danger on the high seas, desperation from a reality TV star and when peanut butter will be safe to eat once again

- Whew, that was close. A week nearly passed without a cruise ship disaster or virus outbreak of some sort, which would have broken the streak of 441 straight weeks with such an occurrence. The Greek-flagged cruise ship Sea Diamond saved us from that fate, striking a reef in the Mediterranean and forcing the evacuation of nearly 1,600 passengers. Hundreds of American tourists were among the ship’s passengers, all of whom had to abandon ship near the island of Santorini. More than a dozen ships were involved in the rescue efforts, and thankfully no one was seriously injured in the incident. Many of the passengers were out on the ship’s main deck taking pictures when the collision with the reef happened. No official word yet on who was at fault in the matter, the ship or the reef. A fortunate break for the passengers is that because they were forced to abandon ship early, they didn’t remain on board long enough to contract Norovirus, the ailment that seems to make its way onto every cruise ship if given enough time. Silver linings, people, always look for the silver linings.

- On the topic of viruses and food-borne illnesses…..the cause of salmonella-laced peanut butter from ConAgra Foods has been found. Moisture from a leaky roof and a fault sprinkler aided in the growth of the salmonella bacteria found in the peanut butter, which resulted in more than 400 illnesses nationwide. ConAgra foods promises that the problem will be rectified and that come mid-July, when the company returns its Peter Pan brand peanut butter to stores, the product will be totally safe. I, however, will continue growing my own peanuts, pesticide-free, grinding them up and processing my own homemade peanut butter for another year or so, just to be safe. Yes, there are some drawbacks, such as the cramps in my feet from stomping the peanuts in my peanut press…..what, you mean that’s not how you make peanut butter? Well, it tastes fine to me, and it’s a lot safer than eating potentially deadly sandwich spread bought off a store shelf.

- Legislative bodies might be no good at passing laws and enacting reforms that actually help the people they serve right here in the 21st century, but they’re damn good at helping out people who have been dead for almost 150 years. The North Carolina Senate passed a measure this week apologizing for the state’s role in promoting slavery and anti-black Jim Crow laws during Civil War times. Following the lead of lawmakers in Virginia, the North Carolina Senate issued a statement acknowledging its “profound contrition for the official acts that sanctioned and perpetuated the denial of basic human rights and dignity for fellow humans.” Whoa, that’s a lot of BS and political mumbo-jumbo packed into one long, long sentence. I’m sure that the zeros and zeros of slaves who are still alive appreciate that very much, senators. Don’t tax yourselves with trivial matters like education, highways, crime and taxes, you just keep working in resolutions that don’t accomplish a single freaking thing that matters to the day-to-day operation of your state.

- Dear God, this has the potential to be the biggest disaster in musical history…….ever. Teaming the steaming, stinking heap of money crap that is American Karaoke with a musical novelty act like Gwen Stefani was one thing and it was bad, but when you add Jennifer Lopez to the mix……yikes. Lopez, whose primary strength as a musician is that she’s hot and has one of the world’s elite bottom halves, is going to be the centerpiece for what is being termed a “Latin-themed” week on AK. Forget that Lopez doesn’t have a single good song in her entire repertoire; even if she did, you want these glorified karaoke contestants to try and mimic Latino music when they’re so incredibly inept and overwhelmed by crappy American music? Lopez is appearing in a vain attempt to pump life into her floundering Spanish-language album, but selling your musical soul and appearing on AK doesn’t revive your music career, it kills it. Lopez should devote herself to being a wife and mother, maybe make a mediocre movie or two and forget about music. When I think of Lopez “mentoring” these contestants on how to use a synthesizer to boost and mask your atrocious voice, how to have someone else write songs for you because you lack the talent to do so, to make a music video focusing entirely on how hot you are so no one notices what an awful singer you are…..it makes my heart swell….scratch that, it makes me want to vomit.

- MTV’s reality show The Hills, a spin-off of Laguna Beach and a show that was mildly entertaining for one season, has now spawned an alleged sex tape involving star of The Hills Lauren Conrad. I personally lost interest in both of those reality shows right as their respective first seasons were ending. For one season, you can talk yourself into thinking it’s like an extended documentary and that laughing at spoiled rich kids and their trivial “problems” is amusing, but more than one helping of these spoiled brats clues you in to the fact that they’re really not that interesting and in many ways, you’re a whole lot smarter than any of them. But The Hills has plugged on and has been picked up for a third season, a season that could receive some added attention of Conrad’s former boyfriend, the leech known as Jason Wahler, sells a sex tape he made with Conrad. It took any semi-intelligent person .005 seconds to realize that Wahler was using Conrad and the show in an attempt to jump start his own career and garner some undeserved publicity. Since that failed, it appears he’s peddling the sex tape in an attempt to grab a little extra time in the public eye. Next stop for this loser? The adult film industry should be waiting with open arms for him, so life is definitely looking rosy…….

Attacking soccer players with soap, attacking Imus for stupidity and another favorite show axed

- Women’s pro basketball might not be all that legitimate (see yesterday’s post about a community college player being a first round WNBA draft pick), but you can't say the same thing about women’s boxing. Thai inmate Samson Sor Siriporn, a convicted drug dealer, actually improved her chances for freedom by beating Japan's Ayaka Miyano to win the vacant women's WBC light flyweight title at the notorious "Bangkok Hilton" prison on Tuesday. The win, for reasons I don’t quite understand, actually expedited Siriporn’s parole hearing process. A makeshift ring was set up outdoors on the grounds of the infamous Klong Prem prison and the two women duked it out in front of judges and a raucous crowd. The best part of the event, unquestionably, is that transvestites in high heels and skimpy outfits were allowed out of their cells to parade around the ring with placards at the beginning of each round. Astonishingly, the fact that Siriporn is a convicted meth dealer isn't going to keep her from being released to continue her boxing career. Thai corrections department chief Natti Jitsawang said Siriporn's that as a result of her victory, he would likely see her freed three years early. “We will start the process for her parole immediately,” he declared. What a wonderful country Thailand is, where you can sell meth, be sent to jail on a ten-year sentence and be released three years early because you can win a judge’s decision for a pro boxing title - all while trannies parade around before each round as the cue card girls/its/freaks.

- That was quick, take two. I’ve learned retroactively that when I watched The Black Donnellys on Monday night and then learned it was the last episode of the show NBC would air, I was actually watching the death knell for my second regularly watched show in a 48-hour span. Last Friday’s airing of Six Degrees on ABC was the end of the line for the on-again, off-again show that aired last fall, was pulled and returned in March only to be whacked again after two more episodes. Props to ABC for giving the show a real chance by burying it in a crappy time slot upon its return (Fridays at 9 p.m.), giving it no promotional help and then yanking it before it could even build any momentum. I can tell that the suits at ABC were verrrrrrry serious about seeing this show succeed. The quick trigger networks have developed with new (or even established) shows is creating a very difficult dilemma for viewers. On one hand, any given show, even a favorite, isn't going to be on the air for a long run if you consider the average shelf life of a TV show in this day. There aren't going to be many, if any, Seinfeld-ian runs of a decade. So you have the knowledge that your favorite show probably won't be on the air for more than five years, so you’re always on the lookout for new shoes you might enjoy. At the same time, so many new shows have such a short leash and are yanked and jerked around so quickly that you’re hesitant to invest time and interest watching them, as they may be gone in the blink of an eye. The good news is that I don’t need anyone to remind me why I hate TV networks, because I have a pretty good idea why I do……………

- Don Imus is living proof that you don’t have to be smart or thoughtful to be a big-time radio personality heard by millions worldwide. The controversial talking head finds himself in the middle of a ginormous crap storm after referring to the Rutgers University women’s basketball team as "nappy headed hos" on the Wednesday edition his syndicated program. Imus went on to question the players' looks, describing them as tattooed “rough girls.” One thing I agree with Imus on, and this is a matter of personal opinion and taste, is that on the whole, the Rutgers team is not a good-looking group. I saw a couple of their games and based on what I saw, I would concur that they are not an overall attractive squad. That being said, how does someone who’s been on the air for decades and been at the center of so many controversies not know that using racially slanted terms and bigoted phrases is completely inappropriate? It’s one thing to go on the air and say that you think the players are ugly. That alone would get you some flak, but it would be minimal. But to use the terms Imus used………wow. The canned, well-crafted apology written and issued by Imus’ agent (or whomever helped him out with that) was swell and all and when you say something like he said, you have to make that apology, but don’t think for a second it’s going to abate the anger coming from Rutgers or from African American activist groups who want Imus’ head on a pike.

- Bob Huggins is a mercenary hack, so let’s get that on the record first. The guy is a basketball nomad who goes in and wins games any way he can for your school, be it recruiting junior college transfers, guys with rap sheets or academic risks whose only purpose at college is to put an orange ball in a round basket. Huggins bends and breaks rules, saunters around with his gruff, mumbling demeanor and is always on the lookout for a better job. This time, though, the way he conducted his business is absolutely reprehensible and officially makes Huggs a piece of crap. After being bounced from the University of Cincinnati in several years ago following a very public, very ugly drunk driving arrest and other indiscretions, Huggins was out of basketball for a while, then Kansas State gave him another chance, hiring him to coach the school’s perennially mediocre basketball team. He came to KSU promising to turn the program around and make them championship contenders, but instead Huggins stayed for one year and then dumped Kansas State to take the head coaching job at his alma mater, West Virginia. This is one case where even the chance to coach your alma mater isn't a good enough excuse for a screw job like Huggins pulled. If you are as tainted a coaching property as this man was and a school like Kansas State gives you a chance, you need to reward that show of trust by staying at least long enough to hang a few pictures on the office wall. All the kids who committed to KSU because of Huggins’ presence are now stuck unless the school releases them from their scholarships, which it should do but isn't bound to. Kansas State fans are pissed at Huggins, and well they should be. He’s more of a mercenary than the Hessians were in the Revolutionary War, and his sense of loyalty is stunningly low even compared to a traitor like Benedict Arnold.

- Soccer players don’t have the best reputation for cleanliness and sanitation, especially the greasy-haired, mullet wearing Euro soccer players for whom bathing is a bi-monthly activity. Still, this is the first time I can remember a team’s fans running onto the practice field with soap powder and brooms to attack players. The incident actually happened in Brazil, not Europe, but fans of the Brazilian soccer club Corinthians ran on to the filed carrying brooms and boxes of soap powder during training on Friday and forced the practice session be called off. The incident was intended to be a symbolic “clean up” of a squad that is among the league’s dirtiest and most physical, but something tells me that a little soap powder isn't going to change anything. Coach Ze Augusto had this to say about the cleaning supply attack: “I can say that I'm frightened.” Well of course you’re frightened, Z, Euro and South American soccer players aren't used to being that close to soap, so I can imagine it might be frightening. What really surprises me about this is that the players didn’t fall to the ground acting like they’d been shot when the fans charged them. Normally soccer players are on the ground, writhing around in pain and scrunching their faces up into faux masks of pain when anyone comes within a foot of them. Don’t feel too bad for the Corinthians players, though, I’m sure they got their orange wedges and Capri Sun pouches after practice and all was forgotten on the ride home in the back of their mom’s minivan.

The WNBA: still a joke, flag burning at Yale and a Black Eyed Peas parody (and the Peas are a joke too)

- The commissioner of the NBA, David Stern, steadfastly refuses to admit that the NBA-sustained charity project known as the WNBA is a failure. Even though attendance is pathetic and TV ratings are microscopic, Stern vehemently defends the women’s league against detractors. Well, here’s another piece of ammo for myself and all the other WNBA haters: when the eighth overall draft pick in your league is from a community college, your league is a joke. That’s right, the WNBA held its draft (you missed it, I’m sure) on a Wednesday afternoon and the league’s Houston franchise drafted the illustrious, legendary Ashley Shields, a guard from the powerhouse program at Southwest Tennessee Community College. Community college is the dumping grounds for the intellectual refuse churned out by our nation’s lesser public high schools, it’s not the place to draft pro athletes. Nobody sits down with their parents and agrees that the best way to boost their athletic career and chances to make the pros is to enroll at the local CC. If the eighth best player you can find for your league has made her rep on dominating 5’2 power forwards in a gym that her community college shares with the local middle school, then your league officially sucks. Thanks for nothing, WNBA, and I continue looking forward to the day when Stern finally concedes this battle and folds your league.

- A small-scale protest on the campus of Yale University has once again thrust the topic of flag burning into the public consciousness. Three Yale students were arrested and charged with arson, reckless endangerment and other crimes after attaching an American flag to a metal pole on the side of their house and setting the flag on fire. Said Hyder Akbar, 23, Nikoloas Angelopoulos, 19 and Farhad Anklesaria, 19, are the dissidents in question. Before you go denouncing it as an act of disrespect and people of Middle Eastern descent being unpatriotic, consider that Akbar actually spent time serving as a translator for American troops in Afghanistan. Hard-core patriots will always fly into a blind rage whenever anyone anywhere burns an American flag, while more liberal thinkers will reason that it’s only a piece of cloth and burning it isn't grave offense. Flag burning doesn’t happen as much now as it did in the ‘70s, but given the attention it receives, I’m surprised more activists don’t turn to the tactic. Yes, during war time there’s an implied need to band together as Americans because our country is a target for a lot of haters, but even so, we have enough free thinkers amongst us that flag burning could still be a common occurrence. Color me liberal, but I’m going to go all bleeding heart on this one and side with those who realize that a flag is just a piece of cloth and that burning it isn't a travesty. Our forefathers didn’t fight and die for a piece of cloth; they gave their lives for something bigger and less tangible, the notion of freedom and for the sake of America. You could pick anything to represent America, be it a flag, a flower, a song - the fact that some assign such meaning to a flag doesn’t make it a holy, sacred item. So all of those who will undoubtedly line up to verbally flog these three young guys can spout all of the indignant, venomous vitriol they want, because the bottom line is that this is a lot less of a travesty than most people like to paint it as.

- Not even a week ago, I took a shot at Canadian music for holding an awards show at which Nelly Furtado was the top honoree, winning five awards. Well, if you’re going to rip the bad, you also need to praise the good, so here goes. If you haven't already seen it, you need to check out this YouTube clip of Alanis Morissette's parody of the Black Eyed Peas song "My Humps," a parody that crushes Fergie and everything she stands for. Administering a scathing verbal beatdown on Fergie and her merry band of hacks known as the Black Eyed Peas is such a logical move and one with no shortage of ammunition, but for some reason Morissette is the first one to take on the task. Props to Alanis, an artist who I normally wouldn’t listen to and whose awkward, distinctive voice can be difficult to listen to much of the time. That being said, she can have a free pass from here on out, no matter what her future albums sound like, because she has so brilliantly decimated the most musically talentless, overhyped, underwhelming musical act of our time. Well done Alanis, now get to work on that parody of Gwen Stefani and No Doubt.

- The Justice Department should really just dig up the end zone at Giants Stadium so we can end this charade. Word has come out that last summer, the government tore up a barn and property in Milford Twp., Mich. in the search for the remains of deceased mobster Jimmy Hoffa. They found nothing more than a water line, a beer can and plenty of trash, and after destroying the barn at Hidden Dreams Farm, they paid $225,000 to rebuild the barn they laid to waste. Why is our Justice Department wasting nearly a quarter of a million dollars to find the decomposing remains of a mobster from the 1970’s? I have no freaking clue, but wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on a pointless endeavor should surprise exactly no one. Our government may have a lot of faults and shortcomings, but never let it be said that they don’t know how to waste money.

- John Peragallo should be very thankful that no one in America gives a crap about hockey. Peragallo, 64, had drunken driving charges against him dismissed after a Morristown, N.J. judge ruled that a Zamboni is not a motor vehicle and thus a person driving it, no matter how intoxicated he or she is, cannot be hit with a DUI. Peragallo was driving the Zamboni at the Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown when a fellow employee saw him driving at high speeds and in an erratic manner, very nearly crashing into the boards on the perimeter of the ice. The judge overturned Peragallo’s conviction and reinstated his license as a result of the ruling, even though at the time of the incident the accused’s blood-alcohol content was 0.12, well above the legal limit. But hey, it is just a hockey arena, so what’s the big deal? Now if this were a drunk dude driving the lawn mower or infield maintenance cart at a Major League stadium, perhaps a different story. The lesson, as always: America could not care less about hockey and the places where hockey is played.

- Reason No. 544,981 to be glad that you don’t live in Thailand: the government of the island nation in the Pacific has blocked access to YouTube within its borders after the site refused to take down a short video clip that the Thai government views as insulting to the country’s ruler, King Bhumibol Adulyadej. Think if the American government got pissed and demanded that YouTube take down every clip that’s insulting to our leader…..would there be any clips left on YouTube? But back to the hubbub in Thailand…..the clip in question is 44 seconds long and shows graffiti-like graphics superimposed over a slideshow of photographs of Adulyadej. I haven't seen the clip yet, but my most sincere hope is that those “graffiti-like graphics” include a drawn-on mustache and one of those awkward, badly drawn linear smiles that every kid draws as the mouth when they’re sketching stick figures. From this mess, there is a silver lining for the Thai government: they can craft a new slogan sure to boost tourism in their country. “Come visit Thailand, a place with no sense of humor and no access to YouTube.” Now that’s a winning slogan if I’ve ever heard one!

Real life pirates, copycat movies and a 43-foot magnet

-Another violator of my rule against blatantly ripping off mediocre movies that are less than five years old has emerged. Red Line, a movie that aspires to be taken seriously (at least based on its promos) could not be a more egregious copycat of The Fast and the Furious trilogy, right down to the twenty-somethings racing souped-up sports cars with specialized paint jobs on deserted roadways and having “thrilling” near-disasters while talking ridiculously-scripted smack to one another. There’s the token hot chick driver too, and the ever-present possibility of a love connection between racers. If a director and producer are going to so obviously copy such a recent film, I propose that they be required to cite their sources in much the same manner as a student writing a term paper. Just as Mrs. Feffercorn doesn’t want you bogarting your term paper on Beowulf from the encyclopedia and some online term paper site, it’s not fair that someone rip off the concept and script for a bad movie and try to pass it off as their own. Word to the not-so-wise: The Fast and the Furious wasn’t much good in its first, second or third incarnation, so pick a better movie to replicate. How is it that we can have four variations of this crappy concept but no one has made a movie similar to Shawshank Redemption or A Beautiful Mind? Maybe bad movies are easier to remake because they didn’t take all that much effort or thought in the first place……….

- Who has time to fill previous Olympic-level commitments when you’re trying to become the world’s youngest billionaire and build a gaudy 35,000 square-foot mansion with a ginormous bas-relief sculpture of yourself? LeBron James, the Man Who Would Be King (assuming he could win anything, of course), is in a bit of a tussle with USA Basketball because early indications are that James is reconsidering living up to the three-year commitment he made to play on Team USA in its pre-Olympic schedule and in the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing. Asked what his thoughts were on playing for USA Hoops as it attempts to qualify for the Olympics, James replied, “Right now, I’m 50-50.” Funny King, but I don’t think there’s a 50-50 provision in that agreement you made with USA Basketball. Jerry Colangelo, Team USA Director, doesn’t know about that provision either. “Unless people have a legitimate reason for not participating, I expect them to uphold their three-year commitment,” he explained. He went on to say that simply preferring not to play this summer would not satisfy his criteria for a legitimate reason. Colangelo is right on this, by the way. Yes, playing competitive ball during the summer when it is supposed to be your off-season is an added responsibility, but it’s one you agreed to. You knew when you signed on that you’d be playing a lot of extra games, but you decided to make the commitment ands now you need to honor it, King. You don’t get to cherry-pick which tournaments you play in, then step in at the Olympics and do your thing. Be a man, live up to your promise and play in the qualifying tournament; otherwise, step aside, don’t play this summer and then you can also not play in the Olympics. Your call, chief.

- Well that was certainly quick. Five episodes in, NBC has snuffed out The Black Donnellys, a New York-based mob drama centered around four Irish brothers. I appear to have been largely alone in watching and enjoying the show, because after strong ratings for the first couple of episodes, Black Donnellys saw its ratings drop precipitously the past few weeks. All told, it was a very good show that could have been much, much better. I can understand why NBC might pull the plug; after all, the mission of over-the-air networks is to sell ad space, not to provide quality shows. Sure, this show could do a lot better than what it was doing, but even so it was markedly better than most of the crap NBC shoves on its viewers (and again, I’m not saying this because Olivia Wilde, the uber-hot chick who played Marissa’s lesbian lover on The O.C. was a main character). Black Donnellys mostly serious, but it had some understated laughs and characters you could love and hate at the same time, which is always interesting because no one in real life is perfect and likeable all the time, so characters who are that way aren't plausible. Here, some expansion on the neighborhood and lives of the Donnelly brothers beyond their family bar and moneymaking schemes would have been a good start, but now the show won't have that chance. The final six episodes that have been filmed will be streamed at NBC.com, so that’s the place to go for one last fix. The cancellation continues a disturbing trend of my becoming hooked on new shoes that are axed in five episodes or less, following CBS’ Love Monkey, starring Tom Cavanaugh, which had its short run back in 2006.

- At the risk of driving a point right into the ground, a quick hitter on the Iraq war funding debate: the height of hypocrisy is our despised president labeling the recently passed bill containing troop-withdrawal language as “irresponsible.” No, W., what’s irresponsible is sending tens of thousands of American soldiers to a foreign country they had no business going to in the first place, throwing them into combat against insurgent groups they have no reason to fight and then refusing to admit that the mythical WMD’s we invaded Iraq to find don’t exist. Your entire premise for this war is a lie and a snow job, and you’re the one who is irresponsible and reckless. There’s no other way to describe a man who haphazardly invades a foreign country and then refuses to admit his mistake and end the insanity. Shut your cake hole, you ignorant, intellectually stunted piece of crap.

- Who doesn’t love a good pirate story? I know I do, and when the story involves hijacking ships using assault rifles and rocket-propelled grenades, count me in. Yes, I know some of you cling to the antiquated notion of pirates as peg-legged, sword-wielding, parrot-having scoundrels a la Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean, but get with it people, pirates have gone modern. In Somalia, pirates using the aforementioned weapons of assault hijacked an Indian cargo ship and held it for ransom as it was preparing to dock at Mogadishu’s port. The vessel was carrying about 900 tons of cargo when the 10 pirates overpowered the ship’s 14-man crew. No word on whether they were heard to sing, “Yo, ho, ho, a pirate’s life for me,” nor do I know how many of them wore eye patches and yelled “Arrrggggh!” I do find it odd that these pirates simply held the ship for ransom. Aren't pirates supposed to loot and plunder, then leave? Please tell me that they at least forced a couple crew members from the cargo ship to walk the plank. Ultimately, I salute these pirates and I sincerely hope these guys get away and live to pirate another day, because the world needs more good pirate stories in its daily news.

- Bad news from Switzerland, where one of the world’s largest magnets has broken. The 43-foot-long magnet was being used in the world’s biggest particle collider, but it broke and now a big dilemma is at hand. What will scientists use to affix their children’s artwork to the world’s largest refrigerator? The magnet broke during a pressure test, emitting a cloud of dust and a loud bang (sounds like what happens when W. tries to form a coherent thought on foreign policy). Researchers are working to find a replacement part, although an initial scan of the Office Max catalog failed to turn up and 43-foot-long magnets. Try Office Depot, fellas, they have a better selection and better sales most of the time……….

Pedophiles at Disney World, no NFL in China and more bacteria-laden pet food

- From the Department of Great Ideas That Will Never Come to Fruition: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid wants to cut off all funding for the war in Iraq for the next year as a show of willpower for Democrats rightfully seeking to bring an end to this debacle. Joining Reid’s cause is Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., who stated “In the face of the administration’s stubborn unwillingness to change course, the Senate has no choice but to force a change of course.” Well said, Senator, well said. This administration and the IQ-depraved fools who lead it aren't going to change course because then they would have to admit that they’re wrong and that this whole war has been a giant travesty from the beginning. Of course, the #2 doofus in the administration had a predictable and ill-reasoned reply to the decree from the Senate. “You cannot win a war if you tell the enemy you’re going to quit,” Vice President Dick Cheney moronically stated. First off Dickie, why don’t you go hunting and blast another one of your friends in the face with a rifle. Second, and most importantly, know this: WE ARE NOT GOING TO “WIN” THIS WAR. NO ONE IS GOING TO WIN, EXCEPT FOR THE DEFENSE CONTRACTORS MAKING FORTUNES SELLING WEAPONS AND SUPPLIES. WE HAVE ALREADY LOST THIS WAR BECAUSE THOUSANDS OF SOLDIERS HAVE DIED FOR A WAR THAT HAS NO DAMNED POINT! Now, I hope I have made that clear, even to the knuckle-dragging cavemen leading our country. The hope we should embrace is not winning this war, because there’s no way to win. Our hope needs to be getting all Americans out of Iraq, as it is a place we don’t belong and never should have invaded to begin with. The one “victory” we can aspire to would be to end the pointless loss of American lives in Iraq, period.

- How many pedophiles does Disney World have working for it? A couple months ago there was a man who dressed up in the Goofy suit at the theme park and was busted for kiddie porn and other acts of freakery. Now, a trio of Disney workers have been popped for soliciting sex from a minor as part of a massive sting operation in Orlando. The men, ranging in age from college students to dudes their 50s, went online to set up meetings with what they believed to be 13 and 14-year-old boys and girls for sexual encounters in To Catch a Predator-type settings. Polk County Sheriff’s officers were there to make the arrests when these sick frrreaks showed up. And to think that I used to believe that the most dangerous time for a young boy to be in a Disney theme park was when Michael Jackson was in attendance………..

- Hey Canada, here’s a good rule to live by: if your most highly esteemed entertainer is Nelly Furtado, it’s not a good idea to hold a national music awards show to honor Canadian artists. When a twenty-something version of Britney Spears whose music videos revolve around her dancing in dimly lit basements and on rooftops, shooting laughably “intense” expressions at the camera while shaking her hips as her primary musical “talent” is the most-honored artist at your little gathering, you don’t need a two-day awards show. What you really need is to use some extra cash to lure better artists with actual musical talent to your country and convince them to become Canadian citizens so the rest of the world doesn’t realize how much your musical talent is lacking.

- I wish I were making this story up, but sadly not. Yet another pet food company has announced a recall of its products, this time due to the discovery of salmonella in dog, cat and ferret food. Eight in One Inc., a division of United Pet Group Inc., announced the recall Monday while declaring that not only could the bacteria be dangerous to the pets, it could also be hazardous to people handling the food. Frankly, this has gone too far, because when you put the lives of ferrets in danger, that’s going waaaaay too far. The primary product under recall is Dingo Jerky in its various flavors. What a sad world it is when a dog, cat or ferret cannot enjoy a simply strip of jerky without fear of contracting a deadly virus. I would advise pet owners to switch over to alternative foods, perhaps even food intended for humans, in order to avoid the ever-growing hazard that is pet food - that is until you realize that food intended for humans is just as likely, if not more so, to include bacteria and viruses. It’s ironic that in a world where people regularly shove deep-fried Twinkies, deep-fried Oreo cookies and deep fried cheese on a stick down their pie holes that the truly deadly items are pet jerky and human foods like spinach, mushrooms, lettuce, green onions and peanut butter (all of which have been recalled in recent months because of bacteria-related scares).

- In a truly tragic loss for football fans, the NFL has cancelled its first-ever preseason game in China, a game that was to be played in Beijing in August. By truly tragic, I mean that it’s the best thing to happen to NFL fans since the advent of the forward pass. The notion of having a game in a country that’s 12 freaking hours away (or more) from any American city is insane. Spare me the BS about growing your game globally, NFL. American football is not basketball, nor is it baseball, which are more universal games. You have a nation of diehard fans here in America and sticking a game, even a preseason contest, in what would have been an early morning, weekday slot when shown live in the United States, would result in a game that was ignored by almost everyone here. Quit the whole wanderlust, searching-for-love quest that has you scheduling games in England (a regular season game, nonetheless!), Japan and China. The game in China will still take place, mind you, but not until 2009. In the meantime, the NFL might want to focus on other more pressing matters, like how to cope with a league of felons who are gradually alienating the fan base that supports them. People in remote parts of China aren't going to be too pissed that you’re not coming, either. Their lives will be no worse off because a league they don’t care about and don’t understand the point of isn't playing one meaningless exhibition game in their country, a game in which the top players from each team might play two series, as is the custom for early preseason games. What a giant waste of time this whole concept is……..

Desperate travel situations and desperate women on TV

- We’d better do something about global warming, y’all, because Australia is pissed and if we don’t band together and lick this problem, they’ll……they’ll………turn out the lights in Sydney again? In one of the most puzzling, pointless displays ever, much of the city of Sydney turned off its lights Sunday in protest of global warming. Even Sydney’s famed Opera House was dark, and somehow this is supposed to spur the rest of the world to find an answer for stopping global warming. Best of all, the voluntary blackout’s organizers hope their sad little display will become an annual worldwide event. Seeing as next to no one in America even paid attention to your stunt or has any clue that it happened, Aussies, I’m doubtful that your hopes will be realized. Your average American is more concerned with whether the water in a flushing toilet really does flow in the opposite direction Down Under than they are with you turning your lights out to protest global warming.

- Flying isn't just a nightmare in America. Brazil was forced to ground all scheduled takeoffs from its 49 commercial airports due to a massive strike by the country’s air traffic controllers. Planes already in the air were allowed to land, but passengers on some planes scheduled for takeoff sat on the runway for more than four hours. Ultimately, the standoff with the air traffic controllers was resolved (at least temporarily) when the government elected to sit down at the bargaining table and listen to the demands being made. It is interesting to note that even with air traffic controllers on strike, Brazilian passengers still only waited on the runway half as long as some American passengers (thanks Jet Blue!) in much less complicated situations. America may no longer dominate the world in sports we invented like baseball and basketball, but we’re still #1 when it comes to airline incompetence, wahoo!

- A new candidate has emerged for 2007’s Best Parent Award: an unnamed 33-year-old woman in Romulus, Mich. was arrested and charged with multiple felonies after she showed up at a hotel near the Detroit Metro Airport intending to allow a man she met online to take pornographic pictures of her 7-year-old daughter and have sex with the girl. The man turned out to be a detective with the Wayne County Sheriff’s Department and the woman was arrested on the spot. How sick of a degenerate freak do you have to be to be willing to whore out your 7-year-old daughter for some extra cash? Even if you’re the world’s biggest junkie and in need of cash to chase your next high, that’s a line you wouldn’t cross, right? Well, this woman did cross that line and didn’t seem to have any compunctions about doing it. Whatever her sentence ends up being when she’s convicted, the main concern of the judge shouldn’t be how long she’s jailed, but rather making sure that when she is released she has absolutely no custody for her daughter and only monitored visitation. This poor little girl has no hope for a successful life if she’s going to be parented by an absolute piece of crap like the mother she’s been stuck with.

- Normally towns are excited when one of their residents appears on TV or becomes a quasi-celebrity. That has changed with the prevalence of reality TV, because now the inclination is (or should be) to be ashamed that one of your own is degrading themselves on national TV by eating bugs, singing hack karaoke versions of awful ‘80s songs or fighting with 24 other desperate women to win the “affection” of some random schumck with a six-pack and nice smile that ABC has picked as the next Bachelor. Linda Malek of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio (a suburb of Akron, and thus lumped in with the rest of us Akronites) will be one of the 25 floosies who will humiliate themselves and engage in catfights with other equally desperate women so they can hopefully be selected by this season’s Bachelor, some random Navy dude who the winner will inevitable date for about a month, profess undying love for and then break up with the next day. I’m making a motion that from here on out, we withhold the names and hometowns of all reality show losers and refer to them simply as Desperate Loser #1, Desperate Loser #2 and so on. That way, their hometowns and families can be spared the humiliation that comes with being linked to anyone willing to go on TV and try to become famous by competing in the contrived, pathetic genre known as reality shows.

- It’s amusing to listen to conventional, mainstream media outlets report on the outcome of last night’s “Hair Match” at World Wrestling Entertainment’s WrestleMania that pitted WWE owner Vince McMahon against real estate mogul and Rosie O’Donnell verbal decimator Donald Trump. People who normally mock professional wrestling and use it as a punch line are suddenly trying to look sincere and earnest and crack awkward jokes as they report how Bobby Lashley, the wrestler representing Trump, defeated Umaga, the wrestler representing McMahon. News anchors are peering into the camera with serious expressions and proclaiming that the Donald’s trademark ‘do is safe because his wrestler won, while McMahon had his head shaved as the loser. Maybe you people haven’t heard this, but the outcome was never in doubt. Think of pro wrestling as a TV series, like your average drama, i.e. Grey’s Anatomy or Heroes. This isn't a competitive sport where the outcome is determined on the field, it’s a TV show with plotlines and characters, heroes and villains. Trump would never have taken part in the first place if he knew he wasn’t going to win or might possibly lose. Those of us who watch wrestling on a regular basis knew that McMahon would lose, as he’s the perfect foil in most storylines he appears in. P.S.: Do I need to explain to all of your news anchors that those weren't real punches Trump threw at McMahon, or have you figured that out by now?

- Besides deciding the national champion on the field of play, where such a decision belongs, the second best result of tonight’s men’s national championship game between Ohio State and Florida? There can finally be a conclusion to the whole drama queen, soap-opera tale that is the Billy Donovan to Kentucky story. Donovan, the uber-successful head coach at Florida, is Kentucky’s top choice for its vacant head coaching position, and rumor has the Wildcats offering Donovan upwards of $3 million per year to take what is probably the worst job in all of college hoops. Wildcat Fan will have you believe their job is the best, not the worst, but the reality is that absurdly high and unrealistic expectations, a lack of patience and the growing parity in college basketball make achieving the level of success desired by UK and its fans impossible. They want a national title every four or five years and a Final Four appearance every other year at the least. Donovan has already won one title at UF and is on the verge of another, so there’s no reason for him to leave. Why would anyone want to leave the sun and warmth of Florida for the drab landscape of Appalachia is beyond me. All Donovan needs to do is consider that at UF, he’s got the top program in the nation, he’s getting the best recruits, he’s winning titles, he’s living in sunny Florida, he’s making more than $1 million a year and he could have that job for the rest of his career if he wants it. He should stay at Florida, period; however, I don’t care so much about what he chooses to do, all I want is for him to make his freaking decision so we can all stop hearing the speculation and rumor-mongering.

College students + alcohol = 2 bad endings

- It is always a huge relief to learn that while your actions may be immature, irresponsible and childish, at least they aren't illegal. Man, if I had a dollar for every time…..umm, like I was saying, the point here is that 11 Naval Academy midshipmen aboard a Carnival cruise ship in the Caribbean were merely lewd and crude but not criminal in their raucous and heavily-intoxicated actions on spring break. The middies had been under investigation after one of the ship’s passengers alleged she and other women were groped and assaulted on the cruise. Also, there were allegations that the 11 men had given alcohol to minors, but investigators ultimately decided that they were just acting like normal, obnoxious drunks on spring break. If I could, a suggestion for the middies: Fellas, you keep this activity on dry land in say, Daytona Beach or South Padre Island, you blend right in with a few thousand other knuckleheads doing the exact same thing. However, take your show on a cruise ship and you’re going to have problems. I know you all will be living on ships once you graduate and join the Navy, but for now, maybe avoid the high seas so you aren't in danger of prosecution and sexual assault charges.

- Alcohol everywhere (maybe it really is still spring break)…..a Rider University freshman is dead due to alcohol poisoning, and (brace yourself) he was a member of a fraternity and his drinking binge took place at the frat house! Isn't that the most stunning news you’ve ever heard? Gary DeVercelly, 18, was rushed to the hospital after drinking heavily at a frat party on the campus of the Lawrence, N.J. school. Prosecutors and police are investigating whether the drinking was part of a hazing ritual or if DeVercelly was just pounding beers of his own accord, but ultimately the end result is the same. While most people enjoy their college experience and use it as a time to go a little crazy, experiment and push the limits, take this as a warning that pounding a dozen beers at a frat party and dying of alcohol poisoning crosses the line between just having fun and being out of control. No matter how many chicks you impress by drinking so much or how cool your frat buddies think you are, cutting yourself off after your BAC reaches .020 is a good idea.

- And we should listen to you because? That’s what the Iranian government has to be thinking after our own intrepid, incompetent leader W. stuck his nose into the current hostage crisis involving 15 British sailors captured by Iranian forces on March 23. The Brits are being held captive by the Iranians, but W. calls their capture “inexcusable” and demands that the sailors be released immediately. Why the leader of America believes that he has any authority or jurisdiction in this matter is unclear and mildly amusing. These two countries have nothing to do with America, other than the British are dumb enough to follow us into ill-fated disasters like the war in Iraq and look foolish right alongside of us. Sticking our noses in where they don’t belong is exactly why much of the world hates the U.S. and why the ugly American label continues to ring true and loud. Again, I feel compelled to ask why our leader is focusing any of his attention on a situation like this while an abomination of a war is going on with thousands of Americans dying, along with the Gulf Coast region still struggling to rebuild after Katrina and

- Leave it to Congress to be in the midst of a discussion about pork-barrel legislation that wastes hundreds millions of dollars and have some of its members go on an Israeli vacation disguised as a fact-finding trip that undoubtedly will be wasting thousands and thousands more tax dollars. A delegation led by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited historical landmarks in Jerusalem at the first stop on what they are terming a Middle East fact-finding mission. One question pops to mind when considering this concept: Are you freaking kidding me? Fact finding? For what? What is going to Israel and visiting historical landmarks going to tell you? That the Jews and Muslims don’t like each other and are fighting over the same chunk of real estate because it’s a holy site to both of their religions? Yes, I’m sure the congressional delegation will also meet with some political leaders while visiting the Middle East, but are these short sessions really going to be that informative and groundbreaking? This trip amounts to a free vacation for the legislators, with just enough “business” mixed in to give them a way to defend it as legitimate. Shouldn’t all of you be back in D.C., working on that pesky war-funding bill that’s turned into a giant melee? How about the investigation by Congress into the questionable firings of the eight attorneys general? Think you might want to be there for that as well? I fail to see how the constituents who elected you to Congress are having the interests of their respective states served by you traipsing around the Middle East on a vacation. This is simply another not-so-shining example of Congress at its wasteful, bumbling best.

- I used to subscribe to the theory that even if women’s basketball in general wasn’t all that exciting or interesting, at least when played at its best by top teams, the sport was still fun to watch. Following the two national semifinal stink-fests at the Women’s Final Four, I really can't continue making that argument. If none of the team’s in your Final Four, supposedly your four best teams, can break 60 points, that doesn’t say anything good about your game. Don’t bring me arguments about great defense either, because when one of the four teams, LSU, can only manage 35 points in an entire game, that’s not great defense, that’s just atrocious offense. The point total for all four teams in the Final Four: Rutgers - 59, Tennessee - 56, North Carolina - 50, LSU -35. Average it out and it comes to a neat, tidy 50-point average. Thanks for nothing, women’s basketball, your one chance to be in the national sports spotlight and you lay a huge egg. Now you can all go back to obscurity and make sure to never again come at the rest of us with the argument about how great your sport is.