NFL justice, a controversial hug and a money laundering track star

- The best piece of news for NFL fans worldwide has nothing to do with this month’s draft or any free agent signing their team might have made this offseason. The suspensions handed down by commissioner Roger Goodell to Adam “Pacman” Jones of the Tennessee Titans and Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals are a huge step in the right direction for the league. These two bozos have been in troubles with the cops at an infuriating rate, with Jones having a dozen brushes with the law the past few years, two arrests and a felony charge on the way in the Las Vegas strip club melee in February and Henry having four freaking arrests in the past year. Amidst an outcry for swift and severe punishment against players who can't stop getting arrested, Goodell popped Jones with a one-year suspension from the NFL and hit Henry with an eight-game ban. Although the commish insists that each future case involving player misconduct will be taken on a case-by-case basis, this sets a great precedent. Now, players will think twice before they give alcohol to minors, incite riots at strip clubs, assault women and drive drunk. They’ll know that the hammer is going to come down on them if they act like an idiot and they will lose their chance to play in the NFL and earn millions of dollars if they can't stop visiting the insides of jail cells. As for these two cases in particular, I’m glad to see these two felons get such a severe punishment. You cannot argue that a guy who has a dozen run-ins with the cops just needs a second chance, because he’s already had nine or ten of those. Henry and Jones are both guys with enormous talent, but that kind of talent has to be balanced with at least a fraction of common sense and responsibility. You don’t have to be a saint or a constant do-gooder, all you need to do is stay out of jail and not abuse drugs and alcohol and no one from the NFL will give you trouble. The NFL will be a much better place when players like Jones and Henry either learn their lesson and reform their lives or are kicked out of the league for good.

- When you’re the President of the United States of America, what higher honors can you really aspire to? You’re the most powerful man in the world, sitting in the most prestigious office there is. However, I truly believe that our despised, ridiculed leader W. has received an honor that he is truly deserving of and one that fits his unique “accomplishments” in office to a “T”. The Jefferson Muzzle awards, given annually by the Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Speech, has bestowed its loftiest honor on the W. administration for its efforts to discourage, mute and censor government scientists who fail to get in line with the administration’s policies, namely its policies on global warming. While W. and his henchmen have certainly done more ignominious things, things like lying about WMD’s in Iraq and indefinitely prolonging the disgrace of a war that never should have begun, this is definitely worthy of honoring. What says America more than leaning on those who dare to disagree with you and coercing them into changing their position? This should definitely go up on the mantle of the fireplace in the White House, because let’s face it, if W. is holding out for honors and awards for things he’s done right, he’s never going to have anything for that mantle.

- A melancholy happy trials to Johnny Hart, creator of the B.C. and Wizard of Id comic strips, staples of the funny pages for decades. Hart’s passing is a sad day, because his strips were always funny and thoughtful. However, it is good news to learn that family member will continue the strips, including many who have been assisting Hart with both comics for several years. Hart was never afraid to let his comics share what he believed in, and I hope that same spirit will continue even with him gone. Thanks for all the years of laughs and warmth, Johnny, you’ll be missed.

- The last time I remember anyone getting this pissed off about a hug, Scott Evil was screaming at Dr. Evil to stop being a “lazy eyed psycho” and trying to force Scotty to hug his old man. Radical Islamic clerics have demanded that Pakistani Minister of Tourism Nilofar Bakhtiar be fired after she had the audacity to, gasp, hug a foreign man. Bakhtiar said she now fears for the safety of her family and friends after rejecting the suggestion that her “great sin” should be punished. Two clerics at the Islamabad Red Mosque are demanding Bakhtiar’s dismissal, going so far as to set up a court to deliver Islamic justice on the issue. It’s a direct challenge to President Gen. Pervez Musharraf, who is a strong U.S. ally, much to the disapproval of the Islamic factions of Pakistan. Hey Islamic clerics, you might not like your president aligning himself with America, but picking an issue like your minister of tourism hugging a foreign man as your issue to make a stand and challenge the president on is weak and pathetic.

- Tim Montgomery once ran lightning-fast sprints down the track at the Summer Olympics. Now, the man who once held the title of “World’s Fastest Human” will be doing his running inside the exercise yard of a federal prison. On Monday, Montgomery pleaded guilty Monday to conspiracy in a multimillion-dollar bank fraud and money-laundering scheme. When his sentencing hearing is held November 1 (ah, gotta love expedited American justice, six months just to hold a sentencing hearing), he will be facing between 37 and 46 months behind bars. Along with his former coach Steven Riddick and 11 others, Montgomery took part in an alleged conspiracy to deposit $5 million in stolen, altered or counterfeit checks at several banks over three years. The scam involved cashing and depositing a series of checks in an attempt to rip off a whole lot of people, but even the speedy Tim Montgomery could not outrun the feds on this one. Once he serves his sentence, I would recommend that he try to avoid any further cheating and scheming, because he doesn’t seem to be very good at either. You may recall that his world record in the 100-meter dash, the race that won him that title as the fastest man on earth, was actually wiped off the books after he was implicated for steroid use in the BALCO scandal. To review, he cheated on the track, was caught and banned for track and field for two years, then he cheated in life in an attempt to launder millions of dollars and will be going to prison. Find a new approach to life, Timmy, because your current one isn't working out so well.