Rallying to the defense of stoners, the O.C. and our freedom from the tyranny of American Karaoke

- Reasons for pulling a TV show from the air can vary, but there are a few criteria that should be used in any circumstance: 1) is the show consistently experiencing abysmally low ratings, 2) do you have something better to put on in its place, 3) has the show been on for a long time and simply run its course and 4) have so many of the actors who were originally on the show left that the show is simply a subpar, bastardized version of itself. If the answer to any one of those questions is no, then you should leave the show right where it is. If more than one of those answers is no, then you’re an idiot for even thinking about pulling it. Of course, a show like 7^th Heaven would get a yes to all four and would’ve for the past four or five years, so of course the CW network refuses to kill it, which makes no sense at all. Yet The O.C. is given the ax and in its place now Fox has…..Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?…….what the frak? Maybe the O.C. wasn’t a show built for a long, Seinfeld-ian run, but you run it off the air so you can have some half-baked game show hosted by Jeff Foxworthy? This guy hasn’t been a relevant cultural figure since the late 90’s, and even then he was only marginally popular. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go set fire to my TV listings and smash every TV set in my home with a sledgehammer.

- So it turns out that garlic is only good for use against vampires. Sadly, a study by Stanford researchers have found that garlic has no substantial impact on reducing cholesterol levels in people whose levels are already high. These findings directly contradict the promises of all of those garlic supplements on the market that promise to fight bad cholesterol and make you healthier. Now there’s a distinct possibility that a study two months from now will totally contradict the results of this study, but I’ll stick with the Stanford people on this one, they tend to be fairly smart. And you definitely don’t need a study to know that eating or ingesting a lot of garlic does have one definite effect: reducing your chances of getting a date or finding someone to hook up with when you go out to a club. Of course, if you’re expecting a run in with Dracula, garlic is still a good option.

- Can we go for more than a month without a contestant on a TV show or beauty pageant popping up in nude/semi-nude/raunchy photos on the Internet? First it was a couple of beauty pageant contestants early this year, namely Miss USA Tara Conner. Now it’s some random American Karaoke contestant. While I’m sure that Antonella Barba (couldn’t pick her out of a lineup if she had a “Hey, I’m Antonella Barba” t-shirt on) is the shiz-nitz in her hometown of Holmdel, New Jersey, I have to ask why she can’t avoid popping up in ‘Net photos of chicks on a beach posing topless. You’re a freaking wannabe karaoke singer, so you should probably keep your clothes on for now. That way, if you ever become quasi-famous and your fifteen minutes of fame are running out, then you can pull out the “Sex/nudity scandal” card. If you’ve already done it before you become a minor celebrity, then you won't have it to fall back on later. But again, if you’re appearing on American Karaoke, I have to assume that you’re not too bright anyhow, so this really shouldn’t be overly surprising.

- Willie Nelson, where are you when your stoner friends need you? Willie, whose tour bus is so polluted by the smell of the hippie lettuce that motorists who pass by in the other direction will have a contact high for days, should definitely come to the assistance of famed weed enthusiast Ed Rosenthal, who has been charged by the feds with growing marijuana, laundering money and falsifying tax returns. Comedian Tommy Chong, of Cheech and Chong fame, will be hosting a benefit for Rosenthal, seeking to raise money to help cover trial expenses that could reach $300,000. Call me crazy, but I think Rosenthal is screwed here, and it has nothing to do with the weed, with his authorship if marijuana cultivation books or his columns in High Times magazine. No, Ed is up the creek without a paddle because as we all know, you can commit whatever crime you want, narcotics-related or otherwise, but if you try to cheat on your taxes, you’re going down. Do what you want with your life, but try to take money out of Uncle Sam’s pocket and the feds will be on you like Rosie O’Donnell on a box of deep-fried Ring Dings. Even if Willie Nelson did rally to Rosenthal’s defense, no star power in the world is going to ease the rage of the IRS when you don’t pay your taxes. Had ‘ol Eddy stuck to growing the wacky weed in his back yard and shot straight on his tax returns, he could have evaded the law for as long as he wanted. Now, he’s D-U-N.

- One Oscars-related note, more movie related than show related, but: I don’t get the complaints that The Departed was too gruesome and bloody to be so warmly received and awarded. I saw the movie, and the violence and bloodshed weren't gratuitous or over-the-top. As someone who’s very squeamish about blood and gore, I’d be the first person to say if there were too much of it. Also, I doubt these same people were b*tching about Saving Private Ryan being too gory, so that criticism doesn’t hold much water. This is actually the first time I can remember liking a movie that won Best Picture, so I’m inclined to be happy about the development, not to complain about how many people were killed in the movie.

More reasons to hate "reality" shows, fewer reasons to single out America as the home of obesity

- As patently offensive as 99.999 % of reality shows are, what makes it so much worse is when deluded or simply ignorant contestants try to assign meaning or significance to a show that forces them to eat disgusting bugs, perform degrading stunts, dress and act like a total fool and do all of this for a national TV audience. I think we can all agree that the Pussycat Dolls aren't any kind of metaphor or representation about anything noble or worthy in our society, yet on a promo for the upcoming “Who wants to be our next dancing, lip syncing skank?” reality show, one of the contestant says (with a straight face, nonetheless), “I want to be the next Doll because they represent female empowerment and that’s what I’m all about.” Umm, sure. Because nothing says “empowerment” like dressing like a total skank, singing mindless, inane lyrics that basically are about looking hot and inviting guys to take your clothes off, dancing in unison with six or seven other similarly attired chicks and singing songs that someone else wrote for you. I’m sure that this is just what feminists like Gloria Steinem had in mind when they thought of female empowerment. I’m not saying you shouldn’t appear on this show. I’m just saying that it shouldn’t be on TV and that none of us should have to watch or hear about it. I’m just saying that it, and anyone who appears in it, are irrelevant, attention-starved losers who’ll contribute less to the music world than William Hung. Whatever you choose to do, please do us all a favor and don’t insult everyone’s intelligence because trying to ascribe some higher meaning to what you’re doing.

- Maybe Americans aren't the only fat, overweight people in the world after all. America haters mention that high on any list of negatives about our country, that we’re all obese and disgusting and obsessed with fast food, but maybe some of that vitriol should be directed at the Brits. An 8-year-old boy weighing in at a hefty 218 pounds may be taken into custody by social service officials unless his mother improves his diet and gets him thinned down. I’d say weighing three times the normal weight for a person your age is cause for concern, especially when you’re a child. Kids tend to have a pretty high metabolism and are able to eat a lot of grub without becoming obscenely fat because they’re growing. Problem for this kid is he’s growing a lot more horizontally than vertically. I’ll pass along a few diet tips to Mom, these may help Junior get under two bills and keep him in your custody: 1) a breakfast of deep fried pop tarts, cheesecake, leftover pizza and bagels dipped in melted butter and topped with whipped cream, cream cheese and chocolate fudge are not the right way to begin the day. Lunch comprised of an entire bucket of KFC fried chicken, a pound of lard and chocolate cake is also not acceptable. What is acceptable are carrot sticks, celery, wheat bread, a low-fat turkey sandwich and some freaking exercise. Hope this helps, because if it doesn’t, your son will soon be a ward of the state and you’ll have to go visit him at fat camp.

- Hey 44-year-old virgins living in their mom’s basement and playing Dungeons and Dragons while never talking to an actual live girl or letting the sunlight touch your pasty skin, great news for you! There’s another Star Trek movie coming out, and it will be directed by J.J. Abrams. I used to have respect for Abrams because he created Alias, one of my favorite shows of all time. Now, though, I’ve got to knock that respect down about four notches based on his decision to attach his name to the single biggest dork-fest in American culture. There’s no gray area here, folks, if you’ve willingly seen any Star Wars movie and not done so when dragged there by your children who are under the age of 12, then you are a loser. I’m not worried about angry Trekkies reading this and coming after me, though, because: 1) they’re all gathering supplies to camp out in line for tickets, even though filming for the movie hasn’t even begun yet, and 2) I doubt any of them has ever thrown an actual punch, much like they’re never kissed a girl, played a sport or dressed as anyone other than Spock for Halloween. I think I’m safe on this one.

- The Pacman Jones era may be over in Tennessee. While the Titans, Jones’ team, are waiting for “additional information” about his most recent brush with the law, it appears that the team may finally have had enough of his antics. In the past two years, he’s been in trouble with the law eight times and arrested thrice, on varying charges of assault and violence. Most recently, he was in a Vegas strip club and part of an incident that left a security guard paralyzed. Jones made it “rain” on the strippers using $81,000 of his own money, and trouble arose when some of the strippers kept the money, which Jones claims he used only as a prop and was never actually giving away. No one is sure of the extent of Jones’ involvement, but members of his crew were part of the melee, so it’s not looking good. I know there’s an irrational fear among NFL teams that if they cut a guy like that, one with enormous talent on the field but even more extensive baggage off of it, because of legal troubles, that another team will scoop him up and he’ll clean up his act and become a star somewhere else. That might be true if a guy gets busted once or twice, but when you’ve been in serious legal trouble eight times in two years and were the same way in college, the verdict on your character is in: you’re a bad guy. Pacman is making Ron Artest and his going into the stands to punch the wrong fan in a beer-cup-throwing incident look civil and well-behaved by comparison. Check yourself, Pac, because you could criminal yourself right out of the NFL if you don’t.

American opportunism and self-serving-ness has come to Iraq, we've won, we've won!

- Does Barry Bonds need to keep reminding us what a surly, bitter, hostile and unpleasant horse’s ass he is? My main man B. Bonds has his agent declaring that Barry simply cannot cooperate with former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell’s investigation into Major League Baseball’s steroid problem because Bar-roid is also in the midst of a federal perjury investigation. Convenient, isn't it? Having a lie to tell to cover up your real reason for not cooperating, I mean. Are we supposed to assume that if this whole perjury mess wasn’t going on, Bonds would gladly answer Mitchell’s questions and turn over the medical records that have been requested. What, you mean when every other player who’s been asked has given Mitchell the proverbial middle finger and told him to get lost that Barry would be happy to help? Riiiight. Tell ya what, Barry, you just tell us the truth, keep being the same ass you are and we can just hate you for that and not for also being a compulsive liar. Here’s hoping you break your leg and tear your rotator cuff when you’re about two home runs shy of breaking Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record and are never able to play again.

- Rulon Gardner is f’ing indestructible. Seriously, there just doesn’t seem to be a way to kill this dude, and the world has taken its best shots. After Gardner achieved sporting fame on the heels of his triumph over previously unbeaten, invincible Russian heavyweight wrestler Alexander Karelin in the 2000 Summer Olympics, he basically faded into normalcy. A couple years later, though, Rulon was in a snowmobile accident that left his badly hurt in the middle of nowhere in freezing temperatures. He had to have one of his toes amputated because of frostbite, yet he survived the accident. Fast-forward another couple of years to Gardner riding his Harley on the open road and being T-boned by a truck. That kind of collision could (and would) kill most people, but not Rulon Gardner. He survived and recovered fully, then went back to life as usual. That brings us to his most recent harrowing escape, when he and two friends were flying in a small plane in the wilderness (then again, in Utah, isn't everything wilderness?) when their plane crashed into a freezing cold lake. Problem is, they were nowhere near shore. But that’s actually not a problem for Gardner and his pals, who swam an hour and a half to shore in 44-degree water. A medical professional treating them said half an hour swimming in that cold of water would induce severe hypothermia in most people, yet it didn’t seem to faze Rulon and his crew. After reaching dry land, they proceeded to camp out overnight with no food and no shelter, again in freezing cold temps. Man, I wish I were half as tough as Gardner, because he’s freaking invincible. Snowmobile accident, frostbite, amputation, motorcycle wreck, plane crash, swimming for more than an hour in a freezing lake, but he’s still ticking. Looking back, Alexander Karelin never stood a chance in the 2000 Olympics, not with Rulon Gardner across the mat from him.

- While I’m glad to see ABC News correspondent Bob Woodruff back to good health and recovered from being injured by a roadside bomb in Iraq, I have to call him out on the one-hour special coming up that’s hailing him as some sort of hero and putting him on a level with actual military personnel who have been seriously injured in the war. Politics aside (yeah, this whole was is still one big atrocity foisted on us by our Bozo in Chief, W.), the men and women who bravely serve in the heat of battle are a whole lot different than a TV news correspondent who goes over for a few weeks or months to report on the conflict. I somehow doubt that Bob is out defusing IED’s, eating MRE’s, not seeing his family for more than a year and engaging in firefights with Iraqi insurgents. I’m sorry to see anyone hurt in the conflict, but using images of injured soldiers and claiming that you’re going to tell the story of Bob Woodruff other heroes injured in the war is a farce. Bob isn't a hero, he’s a correspondent who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Stop trying to pretend you’re some kind of hero or celebrity, B., and go back to actual corresponding.

- One of the biggest criticisms of America and specifically American cultural is our imperialistic nature. Wee supposedly force our way of life, cultural habits, likes and dislikes on the rest of the world. Fast food joints in Tienamen Square, Nikes on the feet of children in India, American television programs and celebrities becoming well-known in all corners of the globe, you get the point. Clearly, Iraqis are getting the point too, because the former chief lawyer for Saddam Hussein is doing that most American of activities, benefiting off of and capitalizing on the notoriety, death and horribly tyrannical reign of another. In America, not a tragedy goes by that someone doesn’t try to make a buck off of it. Khalil al-Dulaimi, Hussein’s former legal counsel, is choosing to overlook the fact that a fascist dictator like Hussein killed thousands, invaded defenseless nations and perpetrated countless human rights atrocities on people in his region and thus al-Dulaimi will be publishing his very own tell-all book about the now-executed despot. He’s even going to reprint letters and poems written by Hussein, and would “clear up some facts that haven’t yet been announced.” Sounds to me like you’re trying to drum up interest in your book by promising exciting new information that can only be found out by purchasing THIS GREAT BOOK FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $19.95, Mr. al-Dulaimi. Kudos to you for overlook all that nasty killing and trampling of human rights so you can advance your own personal interests. And I tell you what, put me down for two copies of your book, assuming that some of those Hussein poems are “Why George W. Bush is the devil” haikus.

Joan Rivers, LeBron James and some anti-Semitic high school students, must be Sunday

- Even though I didn’t watch the Academy Awards, I can't say with relative certainty that the following things happened: 1) the show was excruciatingly long and about halfway through, everyone there as well as everyone watching on TV was wishing it would end and wondering how long it was going to drag out, 2) people gave long-winded speeches thanking a boatload of “little people” that no one else has ever heard of and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about, 3) someone got needlessly emotional and weepy during their acceptance speech and shed some great fake tears, 4) someone got “slighted” and passed over for an award that they were assumed to be a mortal lock to win. If that sounds oddly reminiscent of, well, every other awards show ever held, it’s because every damn one of those things is the same thing. Same components, same basic formula, same self-important, self-congratulating famous people telling one another how great they are. And no, I don’t care who wore clothes from what designer to the show and was interviewed on the red carpet by that Botox-fueled member of the Baker’s Dozen Facelift Club Joan Rivers. These people throw on an outfit that they’ll wear one time for a few hours and it’s a big deal? How? Why? Something tells me that watching Casablanca and a college basketball game instead of the awards show was the right move.

- The National Football League has made itself into a year round phenomenon. The league is always finding ways to keep itself in the public eye, even during the off-season. The NFL Scouting Combine, where potential NFLers come to run, lift, jump and do drills in front of scouts from every NFL team as well as be measured, weighed and looked over like prize livestock. I don’t have a beef with any of this, and I actually enjoy hearing about guys who come from out of nowhere to become top draft picks with amazing vertical jumps and blazing-fast 40-yard dash times at the combine. Where I do have a problem, however, is hearing the analysts for the NFL Network talk about players like you normally hear guys talk about girls they see at a bar or walking into the room at a party. I don’t need to ever, and I mean ever, hear one dude say that you should check out another dude’s butt, thighs and hips. Yeah, in this context it might be because you’re analyzing his lower body strength, but it’s still really creepy and really disgusting. You should not be sounding like you’re sitting around with your frat buddies, telling them about this hot brunette you saw at this party last night. Let’s stick to how fast the player is, his tackling technique, his footwork on the field and how explosive he is coming off the line of scrimmage. From here on out, let’s all agree that checking out another dude, even for football purposes, is something to avoid.

- How’s the whole King James, Global Icon thing working out for ya, LeBron James? The overhyped star who would be King led his team to another underwhelming defeat today at the hands of a Miami Heat team whose best player, Dwayne Wade, is out for the year with a shoulder injury and whose next best player is an orca-fat center with the conditioning habits of Mama Cass and the competitive drive of a three-toed sloth, Shaq O’Neal. The Heat are reeling from losing their leader, Wade, and yet James and his Cavalier teammates limped into town and were handily beaten. When you’re going to mail it in and not give a crap like ‘Bron is doing this season, proclaiming in an ESPN interview that your future goal is to be a global icon and a billionaire might not be in your best interests. One, you’re not going to get there by never getting past the second round of the playoffs. Two, saying that makes you look like your focus is everywhere but basketball and improving your game, namely the abysmally erratic free throw shooting that LeBron has exhibited this year. But hey, you can rest secure knowing that you’re getting tens of millions of dollars to hawk Microsoft’s new, second-rate operating system, so no need to worry.

- What good fan doesn’t go to the ant-Semitism card from time to time? After all, if you’re not belittling the religious beliefs of your opponent, then you must not really be 100 percent behind your own team, right? The students of Bishop Sullivan Catholic High School in Virginia Beach, Va. know what I’m talking about, because at a recent game against Norfolk Academy, they shouted “We love Jesus” and painted the word “Jew” on a gym wall to antagonize the Jewish players and fans from Norfolk Academy. What exemplifies the spirit and sportsmanship of high school athletics like bigotry and religious intolerance? But kudos to the students of Bishop Sullivan Catholic High School for refraining from any Holocaust chants in game or performing a “Concentration Camp” skit at halftime. Bishop Sullivan’s principal ordered sensitivity training for all those involved in the incident, which I’m sure will set them all straight. Maybe you can enlist them in some sort of mentoring program too to promote tolerance, give them Big Brothers to look up to, people like Cosmo Kramer and Isaiah Washington…..never mind on that.

- Well, problem solved on that whole slavery debacle from a couple centuries back. The Virginia General Assembly has passed a resolution apologizing for slavery, which I’m sure will do much to salve the wounds of all the former slaves of pre-Civil War times, although they are now dead and unable to accept said apology. The measure carries no weight of law, so it’s basically just an “Oops, our bad” from people who had nothing to do with slavery to people who had nothing to do with slavery. But on the upside, this resolution also expresses sincere “regret” for the exploitation of Native Americans. Talk about a double whammy, this is one legislative act that is really making a difference…..to absolutely no one. Who gives a crap? How do you apologize to people who are 1) dead, 2) were wrongfully enslaved for their entire lives or most of their lives, or 3) had their land stolen and many of their people murdered or subjected to new, life-threatening illnesses? Somehow I don’t think this resolution is going to be all that impactful, but maybe I’m just being too cynical……….

Love for rednecks, contempt for an NFL coach and trouble at the airport

- Tom Coughlin should shut his mouth, be glad he didn’t get fired and worry about how to push his football team, the New York Giants, past the mediocrity of an 8-8 record and the first round of the playoffs. Getting into a sniping match with his former running back, the newly retired Tiki Barber, who is embarking on a career as a TV personality, isn't going to end well for Stalag Coughlin. On Friday, Coughlin told reporters that he wished Barber hadn't voiced his strong opinions publicly and wasn't sure why Barber blamed the coaching staff for pushing him into retirement. “I do not know what this is all about,” Coughlin said. “I was under the impression he was having a press conference to announce his new role with NBC, and then to find out that he turned around and talked about something like this ... I think to give the illusion that I had something to do with his retirement, I don't quite follow that.” Barber, who will now work on the "Today" show and Sunday Night Football broadcasts, criticized Coughlin recently for not giving him enough rest during the practice week. He said there were days he couldn't move and that Coughlin was upset he could only go half-speed, which forced him into what some considered an early retirement. Coughlin needs to realize that Barber is no longer his player and that he’s paid to give his opinions. That’s what TV analysts do, Tom. If you can't deal with it, I don’t know what to tell you, because you’re not going to be able to do a single thing about what Barber says or does now that he’s not under your authority.

- Some of the innovations in airport security and security measures are idiotic and infuriating (no toothpaste carried on board if it’s over 3 oz., moronic), but the new “backscatter” X-ray technology that allows security to see through people’s clothing and check for weapons isn't so bad. Before you get the idea that this is like Superman’s X-ray vision and that security can just look though your clothing and essentially see you in your birthday suit, hear the whole story. The image that comes up on the screen is basically a line drawing, an outline of the body on a white background. It’s not graphic, or as some suggest, pornographic. Imagine taking a black magic marker and drawing an outline of a body and you’ve got a good idea of what goes on. This, quite frankly makes sense, being able to check for weapons in another way. Not allowing me to carry on a 6 oz. tube of Colgate, on the other hand, makes no sense at all. What, that extra 3 oz. in the tube is just too much of a security risk? You have a lot of terrorist jamming explosives into their hygiene products? Use some common sense, TSA, and quit hassling travelers over such inane things.

- Few things are funnier than when criminals get busted by and undercover operation run by the cops. Usually it’s prostitution and the would-be johns try to look stunned and wronged for soliciting sex from a cop posing as a hooker. The humor value is doubled, though, when the criminals being fooled by it are actually cops who have wandered over to the wrong side of the law. Such is the case in Ft. Lauderdale, where four veteran police officers were charged in federal court Friday with taking thousands of dollars in payoffs to protect what they thought were mob shipments of drugs, stolen jewelry and art. Problem is, the “mobsters” were actually FBI agents working on a two-year sting operation. I have to wonder how four “veteran” cops can't see through a string operation when they’ve probably been around a few of them during their careers. Then again, it’s tough to see the truth when you’re blinded by the prospect of making some extra jack, eh? If I were a Ft. Lauderdale resident, I’d feel very good and very safe knowing that I had such savvy and ethical individuals serving and protecting my city.

- Wow, I didn’t even think American Karaoke could possibly sink this low. In a desperate grab at cash and apparently in lieu of selling Ruben Studdard bobble-belly dolls and Clay Aiken man-purses and makeup kits, the company responsible for creating the monstrosity that is American Karaoke, 19 Entertainment, and its co-producer, FremantleMedia, announced plans for Idol Camp, where aspiring 12 to 15-year-old karaoke singers, er, performers, can go to waste their parents money and learn how to stand in line outside for hours to audition for a hack show that they won't even be invited to participate in. What’s really offensive is the $2,900 (are you f’ing kidding me?) price tag for 10 days of learning how to recycle old Tom Jones and Celine Dion tunes, dancing like someone having a seizure and convince people to waste their hard-earned money calling in to vote for you. No word on whether campers, like AK contestants, are entitled to sleep with Paula Abdul as part of the experience. Of course, going to camp doesn’t guarantee you anything, other than being fleeced out of nearly three grand and being relentlessly mocked by all the other non-loser kids in your neighborhood. You don’t automatically get to audition for AK because you went to camp, but you do have a story to tell in case you ever need to make yourself look especially desperate, dorky and pathetic.

- It was only a matter of time. Websites like eharmony.com and match.com have been up and running for a long time, encouraging people to seek the love of their life electronically because they can't actually find someone to be with them in a face to face manner. Thus, you knew sooner or later this would happen, the redneck version of online dating sites, farmersonly.com. I wish I were making this up because it would be a lot less sad, but a commercial I caught on TV calls this the dating site for “farmers, ranchers, cowboys and good ‘ol country folk.” I was laughing too hard to pay attention to the whole commercial, but I have to assume that in lieu of the normal personality questions other dating sites use, farmersonly.com uses queries like:

1) What is the proper ratio of corn to mash when making a batch of moonshine?

2) What is the minimum number of teeth you would want in a prospective suitor?

3) Is it necessary that a potential date possess at least a third grade reading level?

4) What brand of chewing tobaccy do you prefer a mate to use?

You may even be able to set up your first date as the demolition derby at the county fair or a ‘coon hunt at Farmer Jones’ property, I don’t know. But ultimately, this site is a good thing, because we wouldn’t want necks to feel left out of the online dating process.

Bloggers elsewhere aren't so fortunate as I........

- It’s over. The end has come and gone for The O.C., FOX’s four-year whirlwind of a drama that unfortunately was never designed to have a decade-long, Seinfeld-ian run. That’s what I came to realize well before FOX announced the end of the show. There was just too much action and too fast a pace to endure over a long period of time in an era where many good shows (personal faves Ed and Everwood as prominent examples) only last four years or so. I vacillated back and forth on The O.C. ending, from being sad and not wanting it to go to just figuring that if it was destined to end soon, then good riddance. Ultimately, I’m sad that it’s gone and I feel like it got gipped, mostly because all of the “new” midseason replacement shows FOX is previewing look like they’re going to suck almost as much as a collaboration album between the Black Eyed Peas, the Pussycat Dolls, Britney Spears Milli Vanilli would. The finale was good, it left all of the characters on positive terms, which most every show does. I did find it odd that they chose the final five minutes to make a leap forward in time and show us Seth and Summer getting married and Ryan as a professional engineer (yet not do a few minutes of makeup work to help him at least look a little older than the scenes a few minutes prior where he’s supposed to be 19 years old). But overall it was a good finale, plenty of laughs and nostalgia. Best part for me, without question, was Ryan walking through the old, now destroyed-by-earthquake Cohen house and having all of those flashbacks to earlier seasons, especially he and Sandy pulling out of the driveway and passing Marissa (Mischa Barton), which was a hugely popular and memorable scene from the very first episode. In the end, I have a feeling that TV will be worse off for not having The O.C. and I’ll be missing it every Thursday night.

- My brief (and I do mean brief, no need to waste lots of time on this) analysis of the Britney Spears-K Dirt custody battle/soap opera: this is what happens when white trash becomes wealthy and famous. Still white trash, only difference is we all know about their lives.

- Every Major Leaguer has personal business to clear up before reporting to spring training. Some have vacations to take, other have charity work to do, and then there’s Manny Ramirez and Juan Uribe. These two have slightly different things to attend to before they can begin their seasons, although Uribe seems to be a lot closer to being ready. ManRam, as Manny is affectionately known, claimed he would report on March 1, weeks after players were supposed to be in camp and two days after the official MLB deadline. His reasoning: his mother had surgery and he needed to stay in the Dominican Republic with her. A good reason, right up to the point it was revealed that ManRam was scheduled to appear this weekend at a classic car auction here in the U.S. Great move, ManRam, caring for your ill mother or selling your ’69 Lincoln at a car show, pretty much the same thing, easy to see how that could get mixed up. Uribe, on the other hand, was cleared of any wrongdoing in a shooting case in the Dominican in which two men were shot and seriously wounded. Uribe had been under orders to appear in court twice a month for the case and feared it would negatively affect his season with the White Sox, but he’s now in the clear, although his brother and a close friend are still suspects. Gotta be nice not to have the prospect of a shooting case lingering over your head as you begin a new season, eh Juan?

- Ah, those crazy kids and their rap music. Normally damage from loud hip hop and rap is limited to offending the ear drums of old people or just anyone over the age of 40. This time, though, some creative pranksters in Santa Fe, N.M. caused more than a little bit of trouble when they hid three portable CD players blaring loud music which contained sexually explicit lyrics under the pews in St. Francis of Assisi Church. The bomb squad was called in right in the middle of Ash Wednesday Mass and actually detonated two of the devices, which I have to admit it confusing and a little drastic. After all, if you don’t like rap music, just press the stop button or take the CD out, you don’t need to blow it up, gosh. Seriously, though, how does anyone surmise that a CD player that is actually playing music is also a bomb? Maybe I missed the declaration of the Santa Fe bomb squad motto, “Blow things up first, ask questions later.” Well done, guys, well done.

- If this were Egypt…..I would probably be in prison with a life sentence. This is based on news that a 22-year-old blogger there was sentenced to prison for criticizing Islam and Egypt’s president in his blog. Granted, this unidentified guy only got four years, but when you take well-merited shots at your own Moron in Chief every day, well, I’d be looking at a life sentence with no possibility of parole. But as much as anyone can criticize America, one thing is for sure: when our leaders act like ass hats, we can rip them as much as we want without fear of imprisonment, and that’s a very good thing.

- I hate most seafood, so I can’t say I’m too enthused about the 992 pound squid caught earlier this week in the Ross Sea off the coast of Antarctica. The New Zealander who caught the giant sea creature can have calamari for many weeks to come, but a nearly half-ton slimy sea animal is something that I’ll elect to stay far, far away from.

A terrible day for mushrooms of all kinds

- If you were writing a “how to” manual on college recruiting, the place to start would be the University of Cincinnati. While their means may not be legal or ethical within the NCAA rulebook, I think we can all agree that the way UC is trying to entice recruits is precisely what 16 to 18-year-olds are after. The allegations, made in an anonymous letter by someone claiming to be “a concerned athletic department employee”, are that current football players and recruits engaged in sex acts with a former soccer player during a recruiting visit. Furthermore, this took place at what the letter labels “a party where alcohol was served.” In other words, at some kegger, recruits were served lots of booze and provided with a hot chick to hook up with. And I know, the NCAA prohibits such activity, so if you engage in it and are caught, you’ve got problems. But as the adage goes, if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. Well, Cincy is clearly trying if these reports are true, and it’s a strong play….if you can get away with it. I’d guess than at least two-thirds of recruits (male recruits anyhow) would be down with free booze and sex. So when their college choice comes down to two schools that are remarkably similar and even when it comes to athletic success, academics and the campus atmosphere, maybe they’ll remember who gave them beer and nookie and that’ll be the determining factor in their decision. Of course, get caught giving them those things and you’re irrevocably screwed.

- Bad news for fans of mushrooms. First, Gonzaga University basketball player Josh Heytvelt was charged with felony possession of a controlled substance a couple weeks after police in Spokane pulled he and teammate Theo Davis over for a broken tail light and found weed and ‘shrooms in the vehicle. Most teams aren't too jazzed about having someone charged with a felon suiting up for them, so I doubt Heytvelt’s suspension from the team will end any time soon. Then comes news that BJ’s Wholesale Club, a national store selling things like pickles, soup and batteries in industrial, gigantic quantities and offering you the chance to buy enough Cap N’ Crunch to last until your great-great-grandchild goes on Social Security in 2086, has recalled all prepackaged Wesley Farms mushrooms sold in its stores because the mushrooms may contain a strain of the E. coli bacteria. Not a good time for mushrooms all around, I hafta say. And no, Josh Heytvelt, before you ask, BJ’s does not offer industrial-sized containers of hallucinogenic ‘shrooms. These are mushrooms for cooking and food purposes only, my man.

- Came across a disturbing AP photo today. It shows the Democratic presidential candidates….well, to be fair, it shows as many of them as you can fit into a single photo. You’d need a wide-angle lens and a panorama picture like the ones you used to take of your entire class in junior high to fit in all of the candidates. But this picture shows eight would-be presidential hopefuls, and the seven dudes in the picture all have a look of mortal terror in their eyes because standing at the end of the line is Sen. Hank Clinton. That dude is frightening, what with all his pent up anger at men in general after having to put up with Bill’s womanizing ways over the years. Not pictured is Barack Obama, who probably has better things to do at this point, maybe fulfilling the duties he has as an elected senator for the people of Illinois. Besides, it’s a smart move to lay low right now. Let these other hacks and idiots with no chance at the nomination beat on each other for a while, eliminating one another from the campaign and step in when things actually get serious. We’re rooting for you, Barack, and by we, I mean everyone who would join the massive caravan across the Canadian border if Hank Clinton were actually elected president. In other words, about 97 percent of the American populace is on your side, and we’re counting on you, B.

- In one of the rare instances where the American judicial system worked in terms of making a common sense, logical choice, felony charges against a retired Minnesota farmer who chased down and captured a gasoline thief using a rifle were dropped Wednesday. Kenneth Englund, who spotted a man stealing gas from his neighbor in Cambridge, Minn., had initially been charged with felony assault, then saw the charges reduced to two misdemeanors before seeing all charges dismissed. Since ol’ Kenny didn’t actually shoot or assault anyone physically, and since he actually performed a good deed, I’m glad to see that the law isn't punishing him. Usually people who perform those kinds of good deeds in America aren't able to escape unscathed.

- I don’t make a habit of making light of any death, regardless of the circumstances, because someone somewhere is devastated by the fact that their friend or loved one is gone. But I couldn’t help but be struck by the absurdity and dark humor of two men in Carrollton, Mo., who were killed when a grain elevator collapsed and drowned them in an avalanche or corn. That’s definitely one of the weirder ways to go, drowning in corn. Remind me to steer clear of grain silos from here on out, or at least to bring some SCUCBA gear with me at all times….that would be Self Contained Under Corn Breathing apparatus, for those of you wondering.

- Dancing with the (Never Were) Stars is moving one step closer to the freak show it’s always aspired to be, adding the program’s first-ever amputee to the next season .Heather Mills, ex-wife of Paul McCartney, will compete using the prosthetic leg she received following a 1993 motorcycle accident. Glad to see you won't exclude anyone from your running joke of a show, DWTNWS. Other D-listers on this season are Olympic skater Apollo Anton Ohno, female boxer Laila Ali and actor Vincent Pastore, who apparently had a bit part on The Sopranos a while back. Should be a real thrilling season, I’ll be sure not to watch any of it.

At least somebody knows how to leave Iraq....plus a goalie moons a bnuch of Mormons

- See, it is possible! I knew it! You can withdraw your troops from Iraq, and now we have concrete proof. Britain announced plans on Tuesday to pull its armed forces out of Iraq, beginning with 1,500 troops heading home in a few weeks. What really kills me about this, though, is that British Prime Minister Tony Blair and W. talked about this very subject via teleconference and W. later labeled it as “a sign of success” in Iraq. If it’s such a sign of success, then 1) when the hell will American troops be coming home, and 2) exactly which part of Iraq is a success? Is it the insurgent groups who keep blowing one another up, is it the contained presence of roadside bombs endangering the lives of our soldiers, is it the fact that we still haven't found those elusive WMD’s, or is it something else I haven't listed here? I’m going to go ahead and assume that it’s not a sign of success, but rather of Blair realizing that his own country doesn’t support British troops in Iraq or the fact that they were there, in a place they shouldn’t be, in the first place. Furthermore, I’m going to assume that other world leaders are manning up, facing the fact that they made a mistake in getting involved in this war to begin with and pulling their troops out of Iraq. Thanks to our brain dead Bozo in Chief, though, America soldiers on (pun intended) and we won't see this end until someone gets elected in ’08 on the strength of their guarantee to put an end to this whole debacle.

- I’m willing to bet that more than a few college guys have mooned someone. You get drunk, you and your buddies are out screwing around, someone dares someone and out comes the moon. However, this is the first time I’ve heard of a college guy mooning the refs and crowd during a hockey game. Mickey Meyer, goalie for the USC hockey team, dropped trou because he was pissed at the referees and how they were calling the game. Meyer’s antics didn’t stop there; he pretended to ride his goalie stick like a horse and slapped his butt several times while mooning everyone. Best of all, this was at a game at Brigham Young University, i.e. the Mormon capital of America, one of the most religious and conservative places in the country. I’m sure those people were all veeeery amused to see a bare-butted dude pretending to ride a horsie and acting like, well, a horse’s rear end. Predictably, Meyer was ejected and let’s go ahead and ass(ume) he will be suspended for a few games. But hey, in the end he will have something he can look back on years from now and be very, very proud of.

- Side note: had the chance to hear a speaker last night by the name of Michael Franzese. If you know his story and have ever heard him speak or be interviewed, then you know what an amazing life he’s had. If you don’t know anything about him, run a search on him or hit on Wikipedia. To sum it up briefly, he’s a guy who dropped out of college in order to pursue a life in the mafia, following in the footsteps of his then-imprisoned father. He made hundreds of millions of dollars for the mob through gambling operations, gasoline pricing rings and other schemes. He had people killed (he admitted as much), made big-time mob-financed movies and was acquitted five times on charges brought against him by various law enforcement agencies. He went to federal prison for eight years when he finally was convicted, then was offered a chance by the FBI to begin working on the other side of the law. He renounced his life of organized crime, had a contract put on his life but started speaking to college and pro athletes about the real dangers of gambling. He’s appeared on every conceivable TV and radio show about sports, news and the like and written two books. He’s a walking example of someone who walked away from the mafia and has lived to tell about it. If he ever comes to speak anywhere near you, you need to go and hear him. It’s an amazing tale of a life that changed after going through things that most of us will only see on the movie screen in Goodfellas or Donnie Brasco (the two mob movies Franzese cited as being accurate portrayals of the mob lifestyle). Plus, he’s using his influence to make a difference for a lot of college kids who hear him speak, and regardless of his dirty past, you have to salute the guy for what he’s doing now.

- Know how people hypothesize about finding a cure for cancer or AIDS? Well, those looking to cure the latter can apparently stop looking, because the president of Gambia, a tiny nation in Africa, claims he has found the cure to AIDS. Yahya Jammeh says that a combination of a green herbal paste, a mysterious bitter yellow drink and two bananas are the remedy for a disease that scientists are still fighting to cure. Jammeh announced his “miraculous” find to a group of visiting diplomats in January, yet major pharmaceutical companies haven't rushed to scoop up his formula. Somehow, the World Health Organization isn't in Jammeh’s corner either, maintaining that at present, there is no cure for AIDS. Unfortunately, Y., I’m going to have to side with the WHO (no, not the band, although I’m down with them too, good music) and say that your “cure” isn't really a cure at all and doesn’t help eliminate AIDS. Besides, based on the volume of commercials I see on TV right now, the major focus of the entire pharmaceutical industry is drugs that enhance the size of guys’ cranks and helps them perform better sexually. And after all, what’s more important, making sure more people can get it done in the bedroom or curing a disease that kills hundreds of thousands of people worldwide on an annual basis? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

- One quick headline joke, because I’m always accused of being too serious: “EU ministers agree on gas emissions cut.” So yes, it looks like the EU will be forcing the closing of all Taco Bell restaurants on the continent and dropping an embargo on the sale of pork n’ beans in Europe.

- Popular new trend: celebrities requesting that everyone “respect their privacy” and thanking us for doing so in advance. Britney Spears’ publicist made the request regarding her trip to rehab (well, she’s already bailed on rehab again, so never mind) and Tom Brady’s publicist thanked everyone for respecting Brady’s privacy in his dealing with the news of the pregnancy of his ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan. Nothing like thanking people for doing something that they haven't even done yet and probably aren't going to do at all. Pretty simple solutions here for Tom and Brit. Tom, quit knocking up famous actresses and then dumping them for supermodels, and Brit, stop having psychotic breakdowns, going G.I. Jane on your hair and checking in and out of rehab so often and so quickly that the revolving door at the facility doesn’t have a chance to stop spinning. Either that, or stop doing what made you famous (being a Super Bowl winning quarterback and making terrible music while dressing like a skank, respectively) and become an “ordinary” citizen. Problem solved.

- This story makes me queasy and nauseous just thinking about it, but……three patients at a hospital in Tuscany were given organ transplants using organs from an HIV-positive donor. Of all the oops moments in medical care, that’s got to be the worst. It’s one thing if you get the wrong leg amputated or have some sort of botched surgery; those alone are awful and life altering. But it’s on a whole ‘nother level when you get an organ put into your body that could give you a life-threatening immune system deficiency. The incidents have raised serious questions about transplant procedures in Italy (I’d hope so!), and honestly if I’m ever in Italy and in need of medical care, I think I’ll hop on the Eurorail and go to Germany or France instead.

Michael Irvin has been canned at ESPN, my world is beautiful

- I love ESPN, but never have I loved the network more than I do today. Today, it became known that Michael Irvin, the sycophantic, ass-kissing suck up who poses as an analyst/babbling idiot on ESPN’s NFL programming, will not be back with the network next year. Whose idea the split was, I don’t know, nor does it really matter. Irvin is reportedly bent that ESPN wasn’t more supportive of his acting career (and by career, I mean a brief cameo in the gawd-awful remake of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler). I hope Mike will be very happy trying to be an actor, and in Hollywood, he can be around other frauds and fakes who kiss people’s butts and suck up constantly. Of course, if the whole acting thing doesn’t work out, he can become a full-time member of Terrell Owens’ posse, make excuses for every selfish, rude and self-serving thing T.O. does, crack everyone who dares to criticize the great T.O., appear on TV the next time T.O. “accidentally” overdoses on pain killers and lecture all of us for not respecting his privacy and jumping to conclusions. Good riddance, Mike, mine and everyone else’s ESPN viewing experience will be exponentially better now that you are gone.

- Adam “Pac Man” Jones seems determined to match every big play he makes on the field for the Tennessee Titans with a corresponding arrest or shooting incident. Jones, a cornerback and kick return specialist known for his big-play ability, has been in trouble with the law several times in his short career and was also in similar trouble in college at West Virginia. On this occasion, he was in Vegas for the NBA’s All-Star weekend (yeah, guy with a criminal record and a knack for being in the wrong place at the worst time should definitely be in Vegas on its busiest weekend in years, that’s not a recipe for disaster) and is wanted by police for questioning in regards to a shooting incident at a nightclub. Jones has already told his lawyer that he’s not a suspect, but that in no way means he’s free and clear of any wrongdoing. Forgive me for not cutting this guy some slack, but his own past indicates that there’s a high likelihood that he was part of the problem here. He may eventually be exonerated of any wrongdoing, but when people think of Pac Man Jones, what they’re going to remember is all of his brushes with the law and this will be one of them, whether he’s charged with anything or not. I’ll keep saying this until athletes start figuring it out: a whole lot of bad things happen in the late night/early morning hours at clubs, and pretty much nothing good comes from being in those places at those times. Act accordingly, guys……….

- Now that’s dedication. Amir Kazemian, an Iranian man who lived for nearly three years inside the sanctuary of a church in British Columbia, was granted permanent resident status by Canadian authorities on Monday. Police discovered Kazemian after he called police for help with harassing phone calls. One side note for my friend Amir; when you’re an illegal immigrant, calling the cops for any reason is a bad idea. No matter what injustice is being perpetrated on you, being in a country illegally tends to trump everything else in the eyes of the law. Still, living inside St. Michael’s Anglican Church for almost three years because you were so desperate to escape the oppressive culture of your home country is admirable. No word yet on whether, as part of Amir’s indoctrination in Canadian citizenship, he will be forced to sport a mullet, eat round bacon and use the words “eh” and “aboot” in at least three-fourths of his sentences. Also, props to Canadian authorities for granting him citizenship, I think it’s the least you can do for the guy.

- If you drive hammered, the cops will come. They will most definitely come. That much should be abundantly clear to Ray Liotta, an actor whose distinguished career includes the baseball classic Field of Dreams, but whose list of life skills seemingly does not include the ability to call a cab, hire a driver or use his cell phone to call a friend who can come pick him up after a long night of boozing it up. Liotta was picked up by cops in Pacific Palisades, Calif., at about 8:30 p.m. Saturday night after crashing his car into several parked vehicles. That’s usually a giveaway, when you’re driving in perfect weather conditions and you start running into stationary objects. Plus, what kind of amateur do you have to be if you’re that drunk so early in the evening? Are any of the good clubs in L.A. even open that early? Ultimately, Liotta was charged with a misdemeanor DUI and released on $15,000 bail. I have a feeling that Ray, who once portrayed Shoeless Joe Jackson on screen, will soon be “Driver’s License-less” Ray Liotta for the next six months or so, just a guess.

- MTV struck ratings gold a couple years ago when it premiered Laguna Beach, a “reality” show that featured a group of Southern California teenagers in the ritzy town of Laguna Beach. The show felt contrived a lot of times and most of the action was anything but natural and realistic, but even so, the first couple installments of the show were entertaining and decent viewing. It spawned acting careers for several of the kids on the show, and it was undoubtedly one of MTV’s most popular shows. Also, there was a spin-off show, The Hills, featuring Lauren “L.C.” Conrad from the first season. I say all of this to say that it’s time for MTV to let this one go, because LB and its spin-offs have run their course and are no longer interesting. One season of insight into the lives of these people was OK; it felt like kind of a documentary, and for a while it was interesting. Now, though, it’s just boring as MTV keeps following around ordinary people whose lives aren't all that fascinating. Additionally, there is now Maui Fever, which is a near-replica of LB, just set in a different location. I know there are lots of beach-adjacent towns with lots of good looking kids whose families are rich and you could hit up Santa Monica, Huntington Beach, Pacific Palisades and a dozen others, but it’s time to bid adieu to the whole concept, MTV. Seriously, you might just want to walk away on this one before you run it into the ground and make it a tired, burned-out caricature of itself like, say, TRL has become.

a giant grab bag of crazy.......

- Pretty much no one really wants to do karaoke. Yeah, sometimes people get liquored up and belt out Endless Love or some other terrible ‘80s tune, or maybe you lost a bet or do it on a dare, but other than that, getting up in front of a room full of strangers to do a bad rendition of some inane song isn't an activity you want to participate in, right? That being said, the proper response when a friend tries to drag you onstage to do karaoke is not to find the nearest golf club and attack your friend with said golf club. I say this because of the story of John Arne Riise and Craig Bellamy, two soccer players from the Liverpool soccer club who were in Portugal for their team’s training camp. Bellamy became enraged when Riise tried to get him up on stage for karaoke, and so he attacked his teammate with a golf club. How there was a golf club conveniently sitting by in a bar, I don’t know, but some words of wisdom for Bellamy: Look, Craig, you may not want to belt out a Lionel Richie or B-52’s song onstage, but attacking and wounding your friend who tries to talk you into it is not an acceptable alternative. Walk out of the club, tell your buddy to f*** off, but bodily harm is going several steps too far. However, if your friend tries forcing you to watch or try out for American Karaoke and go anywhere near Simon, Paula or that rotund black dude they sit next to, I’ll have to reconsider that ban on bodily harm………..

- Rushing the court or field is a time-honored tradition in college sports. A team wins a big game or defeats an archrival and the fans pour out of the stands and onto the field of play as time runs out. If it’s football, they try to tear down the goal posts and parade them across campus. If it’s basketball, the fans converge on their team’s players at center court, mug for the cameras and jump around. The point is simple: rushing the court is a staple of college athletics, a fun tradition and usually harmless. Sometimes a student will get run over, trampled, etc., and exercising a little bit of consideration is necessary when storming the field so that doesn’t happen. But I really, really don’t get the arcane, spoilsport stance of the Southeastern Conference, which has a policy of fining its member institutions when their fans rush the court. Vanderbilt University is in danger of incurring such a fine because its students came onto the court en masse when the Commodores upset Florida, the top-ranked basketball team in the nation, on Saturday. This is the second time in recent memory that Vandy fans have done this, and as a second offense, the SEC can levy a $25,000 fine against the school. For who, for what? Because the fans are having fun and celebrating a huge win? Because they’re marking a memorable occasion in harmless fashion? This is a retarded policy, plain and simple. As long as the fans just celebrate and don’t do anything like fighting with the opposing team, then there’s no problem. Quit fining these fans for well, being fans. Let them have their fun and enough with the over-policing, bureaucratic crap.

- Anyone who knows me knows how big I am on cockfighting. I was incredibly appalled by news in recent weeks that the state of New Mexico is considering banning the sport entirely, just as I’m offended any time and any place that cockfighting comes under attack by people who simply don’t understand its beauty and competitive fire. If you can’t get with the idea of two roosters strapped with razor blades pecking and slashing one another until one is dead, then I just feel like there’s no hope for you to understand any of the truly beautiful, meaningful aspects of life. That’s why I am wounded by news that the Medina (Ohio) County Sheriff’s Department made a raid this past Sunday on a cockfighting outfit based at a York Township farm. Undercover officers infiltrated the event, which was attended by 22 people in total, including a 16-year-old boy and a 7-year-old boy. The teen and his mom even sold beer (see, a family bonding experience) and everyone paid $5 to attend (the American entrepreneurial spirit at work), but the cops couldn’t resist breaking up the fun. There was even wagering on the fights (the spirit of competition), which saw roosters battle it out in a 10-foot-square ring. All of the adults at the fights face misdemeanor charges, including animal fighting, animal cruelty and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Additionally, farmer Earl Kanzeg, the organizer of the cockfights, faces charges of operating a gambling house and possession of criminal tools. Again, I have to ask, why can people not understand the greatness of cockfighting? Good Americans like Kanzeg clearly understand it, but their right to host such a glorious sport is slowly being eroded by the overreaching, oppressive arm of John Q. Law. It is truly a sad day in America when a citizen cannot stage a simple cockfight at his farm with beer, gambling and bloodshed.

- Thank you to the state of New Jersey for proving that 1) it is possible to beat a steroids test, and 2) these tests are far from foolproof. New Jersey became the nation’s first state to test its high school athletes for ‘roids amid concerns that athletes might be using performance enhancers to gain a competitive edge. I refuse to believe that there isn't a single kid in Jersey that uses steroids, yet the first wave of testing produced exactly zero positive results. Forgive me for not believing that student athletes in N.J. are so morally and ethically superior to kids in every other state and that they simple refuse to take ‘roids. The only possible conclusions to draw are that the tests weren't universal and that too small a number were tested, that kids knew the tests were coming and cycled off the drugs or that the tests themselves are somehow flawed. I’m sure officials in the state are patting themselves on the back, congratulating themselves for having such a clean group of student athletes competing in their state, but they (and anyone who believes the same lie they do) are sorely mistaken in believing, even for a second, that no kids there are taking any kind of performance-enhancing drugs.

- Just admit it. That’s my advice to James Pacenza, who is suing IBM for firing him because he visited an adult (i.e. sex addict) chat room at work. Pacenza isn't denying visiting the chat room, mind you. He’s simply contesting IBM firing him because of it. Why, you ask? Isn't engaging in cyber-sexual activity at work grounds for dismissal? Ordinarily, the answer is yes. But Pacenza’s contention is that he visits chat rooms to treat a traumatic stress disorder he incurred in 1969 when he saw his best friend killed in combat in Vietnam. Ah, the old “My buddy was killed in ‘Nam so I need to get my sexual freak on in internet chat rooms” defense, it’s a classic. Pacenza goes on to say that the stress made him a sex addict, and as such, he’s protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act. So many possible jokes, so many things wrong, can’t decide where to go first…………..OK, here….HOW THE HELL DO YOU EVEN MAKE THAT ARGUMENT? HOW CAN YOU KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE WHILE DOING IT? ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS!?!? You can't claim you have a disability because you’re addicted to porn, sorry. If that was possible, then 80 percent of males between the ages of 14-100 would be disabled. Just because you can't keep it in your pants at work doesn’t make you disabled, it makes you a stupid, perverted freak. News flash, Jimmy, but I’m willing to say that a lot of guys who work at IBM look at porn regularly. They’re just smart enough not to do it at work. You may need counseling, you may need a reality check, but you are most certainly not entitled to the same protection that actual disabled people receive under the A.W.D. Act. This is a Hall-of-Fame-level bad excuse, and honestly, Pacenza should be subject to counter suit for using it in the first place.

A non-greedy athlete, a no-scruples lawyer and some close-minded, backward thinking parents

- Props to Keith Foulke, the newly retired pitcher who was willing to voluntarily walk away from the game and the $5 million salary he was due this season because he knew he wasn’t physically able to pitch. In baseball, guys’ contracts are guaranteed as long as they try to play, so even if Foulke had shown up in training camp and tried to pitch but been too hurt to do so, he would’ve gotten his money this year. Maybe he would’ve spent the whole year on the disabled list, but he would have gotten paid just the same. By retiring, he forfeits that money. It definitely takes a lot of character and integrity to do something like that. It shows an amazing level of respect and concern for a team Foulke had just signed with and never played for. It saves the Cleveland Indians the $5 million and helps the team quite a bit, and again, Foulke had no real ties or history with the team. Next time you find yourself marveling at how selfish athletes are and how self-absorbed they tend to act, remember Keith Foulke and know that at least a few of them aren't that way.

- I knew it was too good to be true: the Senate managed to f*ck up its chance to force a debate on our Idiot in Chief’s resolution to send even more troops into his floundering, rumbling, bumbling, stumbling debacle of a war in Iraq. A 56-34 vote against breaking the Republican-imposed stalemate on debating the opposition of the troop surge meant several things; 1) politicians are still duplicitous, inefficient, incompetent leeches on the underbelly of society, 2) that a few more Republicans are beginning to jump ship and side with the Democrats who are oh, so wisely opposing W., and 3) we’d be just as well off electing 100 chimps to serve in the Senate on about 99 percent of the issues they deal with. The opposition needs 60 votes to break the stalemate, so they are still four votes short, but maybe, just maybe, this can still happen. Again, my vote is for impeaching W. and ending this whole charade he calls a presidency, but no one has brought that up….not yet.

- There has to be a point where being famous just ain’t worth it. For Britney Spears, this would be just such a point. When you’re so crazy and mentally frayed that you barge into an L.A. salon and G.I. Jane yourself when the stylist refuses to do so, you’ve officially jumped off the edge of the crazy cliff. Of course, when this comes on the back side of a one-day stint in rehab that you bailed on, you have no shortage of confirmation about your lack of mental stability. This is one of those times where yes, I hate this chick’s music and think it’s about the most awful noise I’ve ever heard, but you just feel bad for anyone who’s as messed up as Britney appears to be. She’s nuts, she seems headed right down Margo Kidder Lane, towards the intersection of John Nash Boulevard and Frances Farmer Avenue with a stop in the psych ward not far away. Her reps will surely be spinning this big time, talking about emotional stress, personal problems, she needs help, blah, blah, blah. At this point, she and those around her (any of them that actually give a crap about her) need to forget about repairing her public image and get this girl some help. Stay out of the public eye, go away for a year and get yourself together. Otherwise, this is a train wreck in waiting that I don’t have any desire to see the end of.

- Now this is the kind of lawyer I want if I’m ever accused of a crime. Philip Russell, 48, of New Haven, Conn., was charged with obstructing justice and destroying evidence after allegedly destroying a computer belonging to a client of his, a computer containing child porn. The client, a former church music director, got the benefit of a lawyer willing to do anything, no matter how illegal and unethical, to get him off, and now Russell is going to need someone who is apparently a much better lawyer than he is to save his arse. This does raise a good question, though: if your coup de grace tactical move is outright destroying the evidence, what does that say about your skill and intelligence as a lawyer? Shouldn’t there be some other, um, more legal and conventional maneuvers you try first? Maybe ask the judge to suppress the evidence, argue it was obtained illegally, these are just ideas from a non-lawyer commoner, but maybe try those next time. Good luck in prison, though, child molesters/porn freaks and those who defend them are always veeeeery high on the prison food chain.

- Few things crack me up like groups of “concerned citizens” who go on rampages against books, music, movies, TV shows, etc., that they deem as posing some sort of heinous, offensive threat to “our children.” These people and their crusades…….high comedy. Think back to Tipper Gore and her Parents Music Resource Council (PMRC), which railed against certain bands like Rage Against the Machine, Iron Maiden, etc. These yahoos attacked music they’d probably never heard and that wasn’t any more harmful to their children than anything else they saw in the course of an average day. Or to Parents Television Council, which took a run at World Wrestling Entertainment, claiming that images on WWE television shows were inappropriate for kids while ignoring that someone, maybe those same parents, should be monitoring exactly what their kids were watching in the first place. Now, we have outraged parents and school librarians who are on a crusade against the new children’s book, The Higher Power of Lucky, which has the audacity to…..mention the word scrotum. Yes, I know, what a travesty. And no, it’s not in a dirty or even a sexual context; the word is used when the main character, Lucky, hears someone say that a rattlesnake bit his dog on the scrotum. Yes, this does seem like a weird area for a children’s book to venture into, but I really can't see why these librarians and parents are promising to ban a book that won the Newberry Medal, the highest honor possible for children’s literature. You all are telling me that little Timmy or Ashley is going to be irrevocably scarred because he or she read the word scrotum in a book? Odds are that most of these kids have seen and heard far worse just by way of TV, the internet or from their classmates on the playground. Good grief, people, wake up and realize that your kids don’t live in a bubble and that trying to shield them from stuff like this is drastic overkill that is only going to delay the inevitable for about two seconds. You live in the 21^st century, not the 1940s.

a saturday four-pack of thoughts

- Hard to see how this great idea went bad….in 1972, the Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. and the city of Ft. Lauderdale had the brilliant idea to dump thousands of old, worn out tires on the ocean floor about a mile off-shore. The tires were linked together with nylon and steel and intended to provide a reef of sorts for sea life. More than three decades later, virtually no sea life makes use of the reef and many of the tires are breaking loose and floating around in the ocean or washing up on beaches. I realize that back in ’72, people weren't as environmentally conscious as today or knowledgeable about how acts like dumping thousands of used tires into the ocean would affect the environment, but how did anyone think this was a good idea? No one thought ahead and said, “Hey, what happens if the ties on these tires wear out and they start coming loose? Wouldn’t it be a problem to have a bunch of tires floating around in the ocean?” And why was this topic not covered in An Inconvenient Truth? How can Al Gore let something like this slip?

- Add celebrity “all-star” games as events that we really don’t need to see on television. At major events like the MLB All-Star game and the NBA All-Star weekend, there is inevitably a celeb game of that same sport and networks subject viewers to the sight of out of shape, un-talented stars lumbering around the playing field, bungling up plays and yukking it up. The celebs seem pleased with themselves, but to the average viewer, it’s pretty dumb to watch some clown who’s worse than you are play just because they’re a reporter for Entertainment Tonight or they’re on a new comedy on NBC and are trying to score some attention for their show. I don’t need to see Nelly try a driving reverse layup, nor do I need to see Tracy Morgan try to turn a double play in the MLB Celebrity Softball game. Besides, the NBA already has a special league for entertainers where these wannabes can live out their basketball dreams against other like-minded famous people with lots of money and no athletic ability.

- ESPN needs to get off of the NASCAR kick. I know, ESPN, you have a contract to broadcast NASCAR for the next however many years. Fine, but don’t shove it down my throat at the expense of covering other actual sports, as opposed to NASCAR, which is nothing more than rednecks driving around in circles, making left turns and running into one another. Friday, ESPN wasted the entire first segment of SportsCenter on auto racing crap, more than 10 minutes. Also, popular shows like Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption, which I would rather watch repeats of from 2004 episodes from rather than any NASCAR crap, were bumped from the air all week so ESPN could foist its new NASCAR Now crap-fest on us for an hour. And yes, I am a little worked up, but that’s what happens when someone brushes aside real sports, ones that matter like basketball, baseball, football, hockey, even soccer, track and field and tennis, in favor of things that are basically “Redneck Demolition Derby”. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: if driving really fast, making left turns, cutting other drivers off and failing to signal when changing lanes is a sport, then I and millions of other Americans are athletes because we do that stuff every day. Less NASCAR and more real sports are what’s best for everyone, even if ESPN is too stupid to realize it.

- Album recommendation time: Inside Out by the Kooks, a British alt/rock group, is a great pickup for several reasons. One, the music is pretty darn good, a nice mix of rock and acoustic, some up tempo songs, some slower, more plodding tunes. Unlike the majority of the pop-heavy garbage on American airwaves, these guys actually know how to play their instruments and don’t rely on synthesizers and artificial help to make them sound good. Also, this is rare album in that it has 15 songs, not the normal 10,11 song cheapie albums that most groups put out. Those albums leave you feeling cheated, with 38 minutes or so of music, but this album has 15 very good songs, no throwaways and no points where you get tired of the album. See the World is the best song of the 15, a rockin’, rollicking good time of a tune that features some great guitar riffs. The last third of the album is almost entirely slower, more methodical songs, but they’re still worth listening to. The Kooks, hailing from Britain, help to continue the newest wave of the European invasion, joining groups like Snow Patrol, Ella Rouge, Minimum Serious, The Sounds, the Futureheads and more as great rock music crossing over into America. And with America hooked on American Karaoke-type garbage, we need all of the good imports we can get.

talking urinal cakes, hot tub injuries and why i love soccer hooligans

- Kerry Wood is injured….again. The perpetually-injured Chicago Cubs pitcher has spent so much time on the disabled list that his mail is now forwarded there has suffered another injury and this time the culprit is dude’s hot tub. Wood bruised his chest and stomach area in a fall getting out of his hot tub, adding to his ever-growing list of injuries to his arm, shoulder, back, legs and pretty much every other part of his body that can be injured. Honestly, Wood has been injured so often that he’s probably invented new injuries, ones that no one in any sport has ever suffered before. He was going to be the next Nolan Ryan; a burly hurler from Texas who threw 100 m.p.h. heat and piled up massive strikeout numbers. Instead, he’s closer to being the next Rich Yett (Cleveland Indians fans will get that joke, but let’s just say that the best thing about Rich Yett as a pitcher was that he had a killer mustache). I’m sure this is the first of a half-dozen injuries from Kerry this year, and hopefully he can start the season on the DL so Cubs fans like myself have something familiar and reliable to count on right from the beginning of the year.

- Earth-shaking news here, that West Virginia and Kentucky lead the nation in the rate of residents suffering from heart disease. You’re telling me that states which feature chitlins, fried chicken, assorted pork products, deep fried everything and every food on the menu slathered with a pound and a half of butter on the menu of every diner in their borders lead our nation in heart disease? Have you ever been to Kentucky and West Va., U.S. health officials in charge of this study? Even more stunning, every single Southern state except Georgia was in one of the two highest levels for heart disease. Up next: studies showing that residents of Southern California are more likely to be subjected to high pollution levels, that those residing in Washington are more likely to have smoked weed and that people in Northeastern states are at a higher risk of being subjected to extreme cold and hypothermia than people residing in Hawaii, Arizona, Florida and New Mexico. Truly a milestone moment for science, here, one we’ll all look back on as a day the world changed forever in a dramatic, life-altering way.

- Proving that there’s a dark lining for every cloud, we’re finding out that the nationwide crackdown on smoking and the emphasis on medicines and patches to help kick the habit are causing a slight problem for state governments. Previously, states had been able to rely heavily on massive amounts of income from so-called “sin” taxes that raked in many dollars from smokers. Now, with less and less people smoking and with less places in which to smoke, those tax revenues are slowly declining. In fact, just one-fifth of U.S. adults smoked in 2005, down about 25 percent from a decade ago. A side note….why is it that even though only 20 percent of adults smoke, there are always a gaggle of people standing around the door of most every public building I enter, desperately puffing on their cancer sticks and trying not to freeze just so they can get their nicotine fix? Just a thought.) Now, with many less cigarettes being sold, money that was once raised by the sin taxes will have to be found elsewhere. On the upside, in the years ahead, the government won't have to spend nearly as much helping to finance health care for smoking-related illnesses, so it’ll all balance out…..sure.

- Interesting tactic New Mexico is implementing in its attempt to combat drunk driving: talking urinal cakes. The speaking-enabled sanitary devices ask the guy using the urinal if he’s had too much to drink, which is unsettling on several levels. One, I absolutely hate it when I go into a public restroom (actually, I hate public restrooms, period), and some random dude starts talking to me. Hey pal, I don’t know you, I’m here to do my business and this isn't something I need your help with. Mouth closed, eyes straight ahead, mind your business. Now, you’ve got a strange voice coming at you from the urinal, at a level where you generally don’t want a voice coming from. And how many drunk dudes are going to reconsider driving home in their condition because some automated voice in a urinal cake asked them if they’ve had one too many? If they won't listen to friends who tell them they’re too hammered to drive, what credibility can a urinal cake hold?

- If there’s one thing I love most about soccer, it would have to be the rioting/looting/general mayhem initiated by soccer hooligans. These people are like fans on steroids, cocaine and speed all at once, trashing the stadiums they attend games in, the cities they live in and brawling with anyone who stands in their way or roots against their team. Problem is, not enough soccer fans around the world are hooligan-ing it up at a high level, and as a result, soccer is suffering. That’s doubly true in America, where no one gives a crap about soccer and some good old fashion soccer hooligan-ism would greatly help. Well, a group of Argentine soccer hooligans are trying to help by training other soccer fans in the ways of proper hooligan-ism. Fans of Argentina’s premier soccer league have made that very offer, and I’m hoping that some U.S. soccer fans take them up on it. If American soccer fans can learn how to be legit hooligans, then soccer really might take off here in the U.S. Throwing urine bombs and flares at players is just the start, so take good notes, all you American fans, the beautiful game needs you at your looting, rioting and debaucherous best.

- Great news: the L.A. Galaxy, SoCal’s Major League soccer team, has chosen two players from the open tryout/publicity stunt it held last weekend. All told, 800 suckers tried out, meaning that most importantly, the Galaxy raised $82,400 ($130 per player) for the team coffers. The Galaxy definitely need the money if they’re hoping to pay David Beckham’s salary once he arrives. Of course, that amount isn't the final number, because you have to subtract the cost of all the Capri Suns and orange slices used for those trying out, plus dozens minivans and soccer moms the Galaxy undoubtedly had to rent in order to transport players to and from the tryouts. All in all, a successful stunt for the Galaxy, not so much for the 798 out of shape losers who gave the team $130 of their money to make a fool of themselves on the pitch.

Hate, violence, threats and the History Channel

- Tim Hardaway was once famous for his “killer crossover”, a move that faked many a basketball opponent out completely and helped make Hardaway millions of dollars as an NBA All-Star point guard. Now, Tim can be known for his killer ignorance and idiocy, a maneuver that will cost him a lot of fans, his job, his respect and his credibility in one fell swoop. Hardaway, in an interview with a Miami radio station, said that: 1) he hates gay people, 2) he’s homophobic, 3) there’s no place for gay people in America or in the world and 4) that if he had played on a team with an openly gay player, he would have tried to get that player off of his team. This is coming from someone who personally disagrees with homosexuality on moral grounds and fundamentally opposes that kind of lifestyle, so if I’m smacking Hardaway, then you know his comments are jacked up. Opposing homosexuality on moral grounds is one thing, but openly hating those who live that lifestyle is just plain wrong. Where do you even get that belief system, Timmy? Who teaches you that it’s ok to hate, blast and have genuine malice toward a group of people? Hate isn't cool, it’s not acceptable and if you think it is, then you’re an idiot, period. We all have freedom of speech, so you can say what you want, just realize that pretty much nobody is going to want anything to do with a person so close-minded, ignorant, bigoted and hateful. You don’t like being around gay people, fine. Personally, I’m not going to go out of my way to hang with them either, but if I do happen to be around someone who’s gay, I’ll at least treat them with the same kindness and respect I would afford to anyone I meet. That’s more than can be said for Tim Hardaway, apparently.

- If you want to catch a glimpse of what America is in for in about 35 years when we look back at the eight-year span 2001-2008, try to catch a rebroadcast of the History Channel’s show on Richard Nixon, titled A Presidency Revealed. It will give you a glimpse into the world and mind of an incredibly inept, boorish, moronic political leader who drove America headlong into a pointless war that we were doomed to lose and who was as ham-handed and thick headed as any political leader could ever hope to be. Sounds a lot like someone leading our country right now, to an alarming degree in fact. Thoughtful poignant quotes like Nixon’s about the Vietnamese make you truly respect and admire his legacy: “We should bomb those bastards right off the face of the earth.” Ah yes, diplomacy and tact, two words lost on Nixon and on his modern-day doppelganger, W. Of course, at least W. hasn’t yet tried to run Bono out of the country the way Nixon tried to get John Lennon, the leader the biggest rock band of that time (the Beatles, for the musically ignorant) deported because he didn’t jive with Nixon’s badly misguided and imbecilic political agenda. But for a portrait of a truly dark and depressing time in our nation’s political past and some insight into how or current time will look to those examining it three and a half decades from now, try to catch A Presidency Revealed the next time it’s on the History Channel.

- Speaking on behalf of Congress, I issue the following reply to the President in response to his threat that, “I’m going to make it very clear to the members of Congress right now, that they need to fund our troops.” My official reply is this: Ooooooh, we’re so scared, Mr. President. Really, we’re terrified that you’ll……what is it you can do? Oh, that’s right, nothing. You’ve got no power to discipline Congress, thanks to that nifty concept of checks and balances in our governing process. What, you’re going to go down to Congress with a baseball bat and barbed wire 2x4 if they don’t fall in line with your asinine troop surge plan for Iraq? Shouldn’t you say what you really mean, that Congress had better fund your war, your own personal Vietnam, or else? I don’t think the problem is Congress not properly funding and supporting our troops. The real issue is Congress being fully behind our men and women in uniform and fully against your boorish insistence that those same men and women keep fighting and dying in a conflict that should never have happened to begin with. In fact, a group of Republican Republicans even broke party ranks to support a Democratic-led resolution condemning W’s Iraq troop surge plan. Call me crazy, but I think Congress would have no trouble at all scrounging up extra funding if that funding was going to end this war and bring our soldiers home.

- Don’t mess with Omar Sharif. The actor, best known for playing the title character in the classic film Dr. Zhivago, struck a plea deal to avoid jail time after he smacked a Beverly Hills parking attendant in the face during a 2005 confrontation. On a side note, nice to see the expediency with which our judicial system conducts itself. A simple assault case and it takes nearly two years to adjudicate it. Well done, American judicial system, way to work efficiently and quickly. Sharif got off with probation and anger management classes, apropos because he reportedly struck the parking attendant in a dispute that arose after said parking lackey refused to accept a 20-euro bill from Sharif as payment. Look, O., the euro may be the near-universal currency in Europe, with something like 13 countries using it as their money of choice, but here in the U.S. people are funny about not accepting foreign currency as payment. You can sneak in a Canadian quarter here and there, but for the most part, it’s accepted that you use American money to pay for American products and services while in our country. Sorry that we can't all carry around exchange rate information for the yen, the euro, the lira and the peso, but you’ll have to learn not to punch people when they don’t accept your euro cash.

- Music lovers and leering middle aged dudes will have something in common once the upcoming Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue hits stands. This year’s issue will reportedly have a music theme, with models posing at locations such as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland and with artists like Kanye West, Aerosmith, Kenny Chesney and Gnarls Barkley. Also, Beyonce will be on the cover, giving fuel to my contention that artists like her, Fergie and Janet Jackson are a lot more interesting when wearing swimwear and not actually singing. SI could actually save itself a lot of time and effort in putting these elaborate photo shoots together, though. The guys who buy the swimsuit issue aren't likely to pay any attention to the scenery behind the models, if ya catch my drift. You could stick these women on a sound stage in Burbank with a ficus or two and the guys drooling over those pages wouldn’t give a crap. Maybe put some extra work into the articles instead, because after all, isn't that why all guys read mags like that anyhow, for the articles?