Monday, April 30, 2007

A warning for men, a riot for the Turks and a barbecue grill injury for the Chicago Cubs

- The 2007 season hasn’t gone as expected for the Chicago Cubs. The team handed out $300 million worth of contracts in the offseason to sparkly, shiny free agent stars like Alfonso Soriano, but the Cubbies currently sit at 10-13 and are tied for last place in the NL Central. So it didn’t help matters when one of the team’s most effective relief pitchers, right-hander Bob Howry, decided to go World’s Strongest Man on his barbecue grill and injured his back in the process. Howry was looking to move his grill from one spot to another on his back porch, but he didn’t want the hassle of removing the grill’s cover so he could roll it on the wheels attached at the bottom of the unit. Instead, he tried to dead lift the grill and wrenched his back, making him unavailable to pitch for the Cubs over the weekend. Look Bob, I don’t care how many WSM reruns you watch and how many kegs, cast iron stoves and giant metal spheres you see Magnus Von Vernormansson of Sweden toss around, you are not a roided-up strongman, you’re a relief pitcher. Take the extra minute to remove the grill cover so you can use the wheels and roll the thing where you need it. If something is big and unwieldy enough that they stick wheels on it, you need to use them. Keep this in mind so I don’t hear about you being lost for the season because you tried to bench press a treadmill or washing machine and ended up in traction, my man.

- Something’s been lacking in my political world lately, and I’ve finally put my finger on it: a large-scale protest/social disturbance combo. Thankfully Turkish citizens have come to the rescue, with more than 700,000 of them taking to the streets in Istanbul to demand the resignation of the current administration. First, major points to the Turks for aiming high; demanding the resignation of your entire government takes testicular fortitude, so that’s a good start. The protestors believe that the strong Islamic leanings of the current rulers in the country are seriously threatening Turkey’s modern foundations. Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan is a main target of both the protestors and Turkey’s secular military because they believe he is too tolerant of radical Islamic factions. One protestor, a retired government employee named Ahmet Yurdakul, explained it thusly: “They want to drag Turkey back into the dark ages.” In that case, Turkey’s leaders should join up with Vladimir Putin, who seems poised to do the same thing to Russia. That’s in stark contrast to the United States, where our leader doesn’t want to drag us back into the dark ages, he’s simply in the dark. The rally in Turkey took place one day after Erdogan’s administration’s rejection of the military’s warning about the country’s disputed presidential election and called it interference that is unacceptable in a democracy. Ah, the joy of unilateral rule and an overbearing fascist in power, nothing quite like it. However, if you’ve pissed off your citizens to the extent that nearly three-quarters of a million of them are willing to turn out for a protest, it’s time to reconsider how you are ruling your nation, Mr. Erdogan. The Turkish protestors do lose points for failure to riot (burn cars, loot, pillage, etc.) and to physically clash with police, but overall not a bad effort, I’ll grade it a solid B+.

- There used to be 8,744 reasons to avoid eating Taco Bell food for any reason, and now there are only 8,743 reasons. Seems the fast food giant has decided to cease using trans fats, which are notoriously unhealthy for your arteries and circulatory system, and move toward “healthier” alternatives like canola and soybean oils. While I do applaud the Bell and any other restaurant that tries to improve the health value of its foods, don’t expect me to be munching on any bean burritos or chili cheese burritos any time soon. Trans fats or not, Taco Bell food is still the most questionable food-like item on the market today, because even without the trans fats I’m not sure what half of those substances in your average TB item are. I know what they’re supposed to be - beef, chicken, beans, unidentifiable gelatinous goo with a reddish hue - but I’m just not sure that’s what all of those things actually are. For the well being of my digestive system and vital organs, I’m going to keep on avoiding any meals at Taco Bell. I do have to ask what sense it makes for Taco Bell to make its food healthier, though, because are the people who regularly eat there really the type who are extremely concerned about the nutritional value of their food? I’m gonna answer a firm no on that one.

- This just in…..Larry King can't even sit through a movie….he’s supposed to review movies…..it’s a part of his job….along with…..typing short bursts of words…..followed by a series of small dots….but he’s unable….to make it through….a whole movie. Even after being criticized for the practice…..of making phone calls…..during movies he’s supposed to review…..King persists in doing so…..and when his wife went to a movie screening with him recently…..she did the same thing. Also, King left before the movie ended……but he told a friend….to let him know….how the movie ended. Ok, those dots are driving me nuts, now I remember why I make it a point of not ever reading Larry King. But is it too much to ask that when part of your job is sitting on your butt, watching movies and then telling people what you think, that you stay for the entire movie? If it’s late and you need to go home and get to bed because you’re old, then step aside and allow someone who can stay up past 9:30 to review the movie instead. Should you find the movie dull or uninteresting, then watch the whole thing anyhow and then eviscerate it in your review. I don’t see Peter King leaving NFL games in the third quarter and telling someone to let him know how it ended, nor do I see Buster Olney skipping out in the sixth inning of baseball games and then trying to give me his opinion on the whole game. Get it together, Larry, it’s really not that taxing to spend two hours watching a movie….anyone over the age of ten……can do it….

- Warning time for all guys out there: You’re going to want to make sure that you find something to do the next two nights that will provide a valid excuse not to go with your wife, fiancé or girlfriend when she tries to drag you to the theater to see the special two-night revival of Dirty Dancing. To celebrate the über-chick flick’s 20th anniversary, select theaters nationwide will be showing the film on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and if you’re a guy with any sort of self-esteem and manliness quotient, you’ll do everything you can to keep from going to see it. Reliving a couple of the most painful hours of your life (if you’ve seen it before) through awful ‘80s music, terrible dialogue, subpar acting and the sight of a dude in tights is definitely on the list of ten worst things to experience in life. Even if your significant other demands you go see this movie in exchange for her agreeing to go see action favorite Spiderman 3 when it comes out on Friday, hold out. Better to go see the web-slinging warrior by yourself than to be subjected to the torture of seeing Patrick Swayze butcher dialogue that your average fourth-grader could write.

- Apparently the fighting German spirit no longer exists, not if you take a look at the underwhelming, white flag-waving comments made by Dallas Mavericks’ forward Dirk Nowitzki before arguably the biggest game of his team’s season to this point. Facing a 2-1 series deficit in the best-of-seven opening round of the NBA playoffs, Nowitzki astonishingly admitted that if his team, sporting a top seed and the best regular-season record in the NBA, lost Game 4 that their season was pretty much over. I don’t see how a guy who is his team’s undisputed leader and the overwhelming favorite to win the MVP award says something like that, but the sneering German import did just that. Nothing like throwing in the towel before a crucial game, when your team needs you to lead and inspire it. What says confidence in your teammates more than conceding defeat when a series isn't even over? Are we sure that Dirk is German and not French, because surrender is something the latter group tends to specialize in when conflict comes. The Mavericks did lose the game in question, but even down 3-1 they still have a chance to win the series by taking the next three games, two of them on their home court. But if you believe Dirk, there’s no need to play those games because the series is already over anyhow. The NBA, it’s quit-tastic.

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