Desperate travel situations and desperate women on TV

- We’d better do something about global warming, y’all, because Australia is pissed and if we don’t band together and lick this problem, they’ll……they’ll………turn out the lights in Sydney again? In one of the most puzzling, pointless displays ever, much of the city of Sydney turned off its lights Sunday in protest of global warming. Even Sydney’s famed Opera House was dark, and somehow this is supposed to spur the rest of the world to find an answer for stopping global warming. Best of all, the voluntary blackout’s organizers hope their sad little display will become an annual worldwide event. Seeing as next to no one in America even paid attention to your stunt or has any clue that it happened, Aussies, I’m doubtful that your hopes will be realized. Your average American is more concerned with whether the water in a flushing toilet really does flow in the opposite direction Down Under than they are with you turning your lights out to protest global warming.

- Flying isn't just a nightmare in America. Brazil was forced to ground all scheduled takeoffs from its 49 commercial airports due to a massive strike by the country’s air traffic controllers. Planes already in the air were allowed to land, but passengers on some planes scheduled for takeoff sat on the runway for more than four hours. Ultimately, the standoff with the air traffic controllers was resolved (at least temporarily) when the government elected to sit down at the bargaining table and listen to the demands being made. It is interesting to note that even with air traffic controllers on strike, Brazilian passengers still only waited on the runway half as long as some American passengers (thanks Jet Blue!) in much less complicated situations. America may no longer dominate the world in sports we invented like baseball and basketball, but we’re still #1 when it comes to airline incompetence, wahoo!

- A new candidate has emerged for 2007’s Best Parent Award: an unnamed 33-year-old woman in Romulus, Mich. was arrested and charged with multiple felonies after she showed up at a hotel near the Detroit Metro Airport intending to allow a man she met online to take pornographic pictures of her 7-year-old daughter and have sex with the girl. The man turned out to be a detective with the Wayne County Sheriff’s Department and the woman was arrested on the spot. How sick of a degenerate freak do you have to be to be willing to whore out your 7-year-old daughter for some extra cash? Even if you’re the world’s biggest junkie and in need of cash to chase your next high, that’s a line you wouldn’t cross, right? Well, this woman did cross that line and didn’t seem to have any compunctions about doing it. Whatever her sentence ends up being when she’s convicted, the main concern of the judge shouldn’t be how long she’s jailed, but rather making sure that when she is released she has absolutely no custody for her daughter and only monitored visitation. This poor little girl has no hope for a successful life if she’s going to be parented by an absolute piece of crap like the mother she’s been stuck with.

- Normally towns are excited when one of their residents appears on TV or becomes a quasi-celebrity. That has changed with the prevalence of reality TV, because now the inclination is (or should be) to be ashamed that one of your own is degrading themselves on national TV by eating bugs, singing hack karaoke versions of awful ‘80s songs or fighting with 24 other desperate women to win the “affection” of some random schumck with a six-pack and nice smile that ABC has picked as the next Bachelor. Linda Malek of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio (a suburb of Akron, and thus lumped in with the rest of us Akronites) will be one of the 25 floosies who will humiliate themselves and engage in catfights with other equally desperate women so they can hopefully be selected by this season’s Bachelor, some random Navy dude who the winner will inevitable date for about a month, profess undying love for and then break up with the next day. I’m making a motion that from here on out, we withhold the names and hometowns of all reality show losers and refer to them simply as Desperate Loser #1, Desperate Loser #2 and so on. That way, their hometowns and families can be spared the humiliation that comes with being linked to anyone willing to go on TV and try to become famous by competing in the contrived, pathetic genre known as reality shows.

- It’s amusing to listen to conventional, mainstream media outlets report on the outcome of last night’s “Hair Match” at World Wrestling Entertainment’s WrestleMania that pitted WWE owner Vince McMahon against real estate mogul and Rosie O’Donnell verbal decimator Donald Trump. People who normally mock professional wrestling and use it as a punch line are suddenly trying to look sincere and earnest and crack awkward jokes as they report how Bobby Lashley, the wrestler representing Trump, defeated Umaga, the wrestler representing McMahon. News anchors are peering into the camera with serious expressions and proclaiming that the Donald’s trademark ‘do is safe because his wrestler won, while McMahon had his head shaved as the loser. Maybe you people haven’t heard this, but the outcome was never in doubt. Think of pro wrestling as a TV series, like your average drama, i.e. Grey’s Anatomy or Heroes. This isn't a competitive sport where the outcome is determined on the field, it’s a TV show with plotlines and characters, heroes and villains. Trump would never have taken part in the first place if he knew he wasn’t going to win or might possibly lose. Those of us who watch wrestling on a regular basis knew that McMahon would lose, as he’s the perfect foil in most storylines he appears in. P.S.: Do I need to explain to all of your news anchors that those weren't real punches Trump threw at McMahon, or have you figured that out by now?

- Besides deciding the national champion on the field of play, where such a decision belongs, the second best result of tonight’s men’s national championship game between Ohio State and Florida? There can finally be a conclusion to the whole drama queen, soap-opera tale that is the Billy Donovan to Kentucky story. Donovan, the uber-successful head coach at Florida, is Kentucky’s top choice for its vacant head coaching position, and rumor has the Wildcats offering Donovan upwards of $3 million per year to take what is probably the worst job in all of college hoops. Wildcat Fan will have you believe their job is the best, not the worst, but the reality is that absurdly high and unrealistic expectations, a lack of patience and the growing parity in college basketball make achieving the level of success desired by UK and its fans impossible. They want a national title every four or five years and a Final Four appearance every other year at the least. Donovan has already won one title at UF and is on the verge of another, so there’s no reason for him to leave. Why would anyone want to leave the sun and warmth of Florida for the drab landscape of Appalachia is beyond me. All Donovan needs to do is consider that at UF, he’s got the top program in the nation, he’s getting the best recruits, he’s winning titles, he’s living in sunny Florida, he’s making more than $1 million a year and he could have that job for the rest of his career if he wants it. He should stay at Florida, period; however, I don’t care so much about what he chooses to do, all I want is for him to make his freaking decision so we can all stop hearing the speculation and rumor-mongering.