Alberto Gonzales has not a clue, Pacman Jones has no chance and Kyrgyzstan has an uprising

- What’s worse: a lying, manipulative, two-faced Attorney General who makes politically motivated firings and then denies it, or an amnesia-laden, forgetful, no-attention-span-having Attorney General who can’t remember anything, including making important personnel decisions and taking part in high-level governmental meetings? Alberto Gonzales seems undecided as to which of those two he is, based on his performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee. More than seventy times during the hearing, Gonzales tried to hide behind the defense that he couldn't recall much anything that the senators asked about, even though much of it happened in meetings he is known to have attended. He double-talked around the role he played in the firings of eight attorneys general, allegedly because they investigated Republican politicians in the months leading up to the last election and didn’t investigate enough Democrats. Whether the firings were indeed politically motivated is one issue, but I think we have a far bigger one. When a high-ranking government official can’t recall anything at all about major decisions and meetings that happened less than six months ago, that’s a problem. Even the biggest stoner on every college campus in America has a good enough memory that they can remember major life events that happened within the past six months. Either Alberto is lying through his teeth, or he’s suffering from severe amnesia/stupidity and is probably not qualified to serve as Attorney General. Let’s put it another way; when there are people attending a congressional hearing and sitting in the gallery waving signs demanding your firing like they’re marching in a Green Peace rally, you’ve bottomed out in your political career and are officially a circus sideshow. Resign now Alberto, and you might be able to salvage a small fragment of your dignity before it’s ripped from you.

- The following news bit will be both informative and educational. Since approximately 3.6 percent of American can actually locate Kyrgyzstan on a map, bear with me. Police in the central Asian nation (located on the western border of China) used tear gas and stun grenades to disperse some 7,000 protestors who had marched to the president’s office in the country’s capital to demand his resignation. President Kurmanbek Bakiyev (no, W. has still not figured out how to pronounce either the name of the country or its president) has so inspired his citizens with incompetent leadership that they have now held anti-government protests on nine consecutive days. Kudos to the police for showing restraint and only using tear gas and stun grenades (which sound cool, even though I have no idea what they are) and eschewing the Russian police model of violent, injury-causing beatdowns that leave protestors hospitalized. Just try to imagine if the people angry out our own president’s awful performance banded together and marched to his office……..the Beltway would be clogged for miles with millions of angry Americans. Well, we can be thankful on such occasions as this that most of the country, while recognizing W.’s total lack of intelligence and competence in office, is also incredibly apathetic when it comes to politics and anything not relating to the latest voting controversy on American Karaoke or Dancing With the D-list Stars.

- So as it turns out, blatant nepotism might not be a good thing. I know, I know, it rocked my world too, but it’s true. Giving someone, be it a family member or a significant other, a position or opportunity because of your relationship with them and nothing else seems to be upsetting to people. Take the example of the current uproar at World Bank, where President Bob Wolfowitz has created a scandal by awarding a high-paying job to his girlfriend, XXXXXXX. Now, the company’s board of directors is meeting to determine what action to take against Wolfowitz in light of the call from many employees, aid groups and politicians for Wolfowitz’s dismissal. When you’ve got politicians demanding your firing on ethical grounds, you’ve really done something despicable. Let’s just go ahead and assume from here on out that when operating at a level of business where six and seven-figure salaries are the norm, giving a job to an undeserving person simply because you’re sleeping with them is a bad idea. Your interests in the bedroom can’t take precedence over the interests of your company’s employees as shareholders, even if the woman in question is really, really hot (which in Wolfowitz’s case, she’s really not).

- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell might need to rethink this whole decision to suspend Adam “Pacman” Jones. Yes, he has been picked up by the cops a dozen times the past few years and charged in two (soon to be three cases), and yes he did neglect to notify his team and the league of two offseason arrests last year, but he did take out a full-page newspaper ad and use it to issue an open apology to the fans and to the general public. That’s right, I said he rented some ad space and had his agent write him an apology to curry some favor with the fans! Never mind the suspension; that right there just makes it all A-OK. Problem solved, he’s learned his lesson. In the apology, Pacman even says he will work to earn back everyone’s trust and that he’s sorry for what he did. Unfortunately P., everyone may not be quite as enthusiastic about your apology as I am. Some, like Mr. Goodell, are going to view it as a collection of meaningless, empty words unless and until you back those words up by not getting arrested anymore and not inciting strip club brawls that leave bouncers paralyzed. But I’m on board with Pacman, because what shows more contrition than taking out an ad and running an apology that someone else wrote for you? It tugs at the heart strings, that much is certain. Probably, though, it’s not going to have much of an effect when it comes to shortening that one-year suspension, but a nice effort nonetheless P.

- Fans of actual basketball in the form it’s supposed to be played in, with actual offensive sets being run, all five guys on the floor participating instead of standing around watching one star player try to score, without stars being treated totally differently and idiotic rules like defensive three seconds have long known that college basketball is far better than the crap-ola played in NBA. Perhaps the crowning reason for this superiority has been shown over the past few weeks, as NBA teams have openly been tanking their seasons in order to secure higher draft picks, to the extent that players such as Ryan Gomes of the Boston Celtics openly admitted that he was taken out of a game and left on the bench so lesser players could play and his team could lose the game. Teams such as the Celtics purposely lost to improve their chances in the NBA’s draft lottery, which allocates the top 14 picks in the draft to non-playoff teams using weighted ping-pong balls in a giant hopper. More losses equal more balls in the hopper, and so teams tank for a better pick. Then, you have the Minnesota Timberwolves, who managed to lose their last game of the season, at home, by 22 points to the absolute worst team in the league, the Memphis Grizzlies. What’s so significant about that, you ask, since neither team is in the playoffs? As it turns out, the Timberwolves owe the L.A. Clippers a draft pick to complete a trade made last year for guard Marko Jaric, and had the Wolves won, they would have fallen out of the top 10 in the lottery and they would have had to send that pick to the Clippers. Since Minnesota lost, though, they actually anchored themselves into the top six in the lottery and the terms of the Jaric trade say that if the pick is in that range of the draft, they don’t have to send it to L.A. In other words, by tanking their last game against an awful team, Minnesota got to keep its draft pick. The NBA, it’s Fan-tastic! Also, let me point out that in college basketball, there’s no such thing as tanking, because the goal is to be the best and to win as much as possible in order to make the postseason and have a shot at the national championship. If you’re bad, tanking does you no good because there is no draft lottery, only potential recruits who see your team sucking and decide to go elsewhere. Super job, NBA, thanks for nothing.

- It only took 200 years, but the residents of the District of Columbia may finally get representation in Congress…..or not. A bill that would award a seat in the House for D.C. citizens passed by a 241-177 vote and will now go on to the Senate, where it is expected to face substantial opposition. President Bush has already said he’ll veto it because the bill is unconstitutional, by which he means it would give an additional vote in the House to an area that is staunchly Democratic. Never mind the need for representation of citizens in Congress W., don’t let that get in the way of party favoritism. Not surprisingly, Republicans are blindly lining up behind their buffoonish leader, claiming that the Constitution’s provision for electing congressional representatives from “the several states” precludes a D.C. representative because the District of Columbia is not a state. The easiest way to solve this, of course, would be if the area in question were Republican and not mostly Democratic, because then W. would run over to Congress and sign the bill with his Mickey Mouse souvenir pen as soon as it was passed. Better luck next time, residents of our nation’s capital.