Why W. doesn't understand success, why B. Spears isn't fooling anyone and why Pam Anderson is something of a Houdini

- I smell a winner, folks! Remember that elusive concept of victory in Iraq? Well, it appears that the W. administration really doesn’t have any idea what victory and success actually mean. In a sample of eight rebuilding projects for Iraq that had been declared successes by the worst presidential administration in American history, inspectors for a federal oversight agency have found that seven of the eight sampled projects were no longer operating due to plumbing and electrical failures, lack of proper maintenance, looting and equipment that is simply sitting around unused. These are the successes people, the projects that have supposedly been completed and are working properly. So the Bush administration wants us to believe that it is capable of judging when we’ve won the battle in Iraq and when success has been achieved and this is the evidence they have of their competence? If outright, abysmal failures are considered successes by these bozos, then what conclusions can be drawn about the overall status of the war when those in charge are willing to admit that it isn't going well? I’ve been advocating the impeachment of W. for months now, but it may be time to change my tune and call for the institution of a new procedure under which not only is the president impeached, but every single person in his administration is impeached as well. For the duration of W.’s term, just govern by a strategy that has to be more effective than what we’ve been getting, a strategy I like to call “Rock, paper, scissors: International Political Edition.”

- Boy, the Democratic presidential candidates didn’t even have to think for this one, bonus! In discussing the current debacle in Iraq at the California state Democratic weekend, the Democratic hopefuls for the 2008 nomination took their respective shots at our intelligence-depraved leader W. and made promises about how they would end the Mess-O’-Potamia. Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hank Clinton both weighed in, with Obama stating that he will “turn the page on the Iraq disaster” if elected (Sold! Can we forego the campaign BS and elect him now?), and Hank Clinton calling W.’s act “one of the darkest blots on leadership we’ve ever had.” What, you mean worse than that infamous blot your husband Bubba left on Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress? Sorry Hank, but you know you’re a thoroughly unlikable candidate if you can rip W. like that and denounce the war but still have me despising you. Being asked to weigh in on the war has to be the easiest question for any potential Democratic candidate right now, they don’t even need to consult their “Idiot’s Guide to Campaigning” or huddle up with their team of advisors for that one. If you can't figure out a way to lambaste the fiasco in Iraq in a campaign speech, you’re not qualified to operate a can opener, let alone be our next president.

- The NFL Draft is over, and as much as I loved the festivities, one thing I am eternally grateful for is that I won't have to see those Coors light fake press conference commercials with old NFL coaches anymore. If you watched even one hour of the draft, you know what I’m talking about because you saw at least four or five installments of those ads, featuring ex-NFL coaches like Bill Walsh, Dick Vermeil and Mike Ditka. I actually liked these commercials, which feature “average fan” characters in press conferences, asking silly questions to which the coaches respond with answers that are football-related and serious, but are humorous when juxtaposed against the questions from the fans. I use the past tense in saying I liked them, because this weekend, they were run into the ground to the extent that I now loathe them. Funny is only funny so many times in a short span, then it becomes downright annoying. Coors Light would have been smart to, I don’t know, mix it up and show commercials other than the ones from this particular series, because if I were a big beer drinker, I would specifically buy any other brand right now out of spite. Yeah, you’re trying to appeal to football fans with these ads, but believe it or not, football fans can also enjoy commercials that feature other themes. Just sayin’………………

- Pamela Anderson has always been a magician, it’s just that now she’s being officially cast for a role in a magic show. This is the woman who has introduced the amazing appearing career via taking her clothes off, the magical instant DD-cup boobs, the disappearing/reappearing/disappearing again marriage and the magical ability to appear in not one, but two of the worst “action” series in TV history (V.I.P. and Baywatch for those of you keeping track). Now, Pammy will be featured in the new Las Vegas show The Beauty of Magic after Carmen Electra pulled out of the gig. Well if a talented, accomplished actress like Carmen was originally in the role, you know it’s a good one. The show begins June 2 at the Planet Hollywood casino, and although Anderson’s role has yet to be defined, I’ll go out on a limb and say it involves her wearing very little clothing and doesn’t rely heavily on her ability to do dialogue. Stick to your strengths, Pam, use your two biggest assets (and I do mean big) and you’ll be fine. This should be the first-ever magic show in Vegas to attract an all male audience between the ages of 18-49, that’s for sure.

- Britney Spears is pulling a page out of the New Kids on the Block playbook, and I think we can all agree that if you’re going that route, you’ve got serious problems. The teeny bopper, dancing-in-unison, matching-outfit-wearing original man banders of New Kids on the Block ran through their 15 minutes of fame in the ‘90s and went away for a while, only to attempt a comeback by “fooling” people through a name change to N.K.O.T.B. Yeah, that was a clever one, no one was going to realize who they actually were. Spears is trying the same tactic, desperately attempting to revive her death-spiraling career by performing a series of California gigs under the name M+Ms. The idea of M+Ms. is Spears and a few backup dancers, who are hopefully all female because I think everyone knows what happened with a certain male backup dancer and Spears……..but I digress. Sorry, Brit, but just as Pauly Shore could change his name to Marlon Brando Hoffman and still be the worst actor in the history of the world, changing your stage name doesn’t mean you can sing, it doesn’t mean you’re not insane and it doesn’t mean that you’re not still the biggest musical joke this side of American Karaoke. I look for you to be posing in Playboy within the next year or so and running through another marriage or two in the next couple of years, so now is not the time to lose focus and try to pretend that you have any chance of being a legitimate musician.