- In trying to prepare for this summer’s blockbuster movie rush, highlighted be the third installment in each of three prominent movie franchises (Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Spiderman 3, Ocean’s Thirteen), I’m trying to decide which one of these three I’m most anticipating. As any good movie fan does, I went back and watched the first two movies in each series, jogging my memory and in one case, trying to make sense of a movie that didn’t make much sense in the first place. The latter was Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest, a movie I found interesting, fast-paced but ultimately cluttered and more than a little confusing after seeing it in the theater. However, in re-watching the movie on DVD, I found that a second viewing made Dead Man’s Chest infinitely more understandable and I definitely appreciated the whole picture a lot more the second time around. Out of these three movies, Pirates is the one I’m looking forward to the most, but Ocean’s Thirteen is a close second. I know a lot of people knocked Ocean’s Twelve, but the criticisms I heard had everything to do with the movie not being a carbon copy, style-wise, of the first one and also not being what people expected. The movie itself was interesting, clever and kept you plugged in throughout. (Interesting side note: Ocean’s Eleven is actually a remake - sort of - of a 1960 movie starring Sammy Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. The location of the movie and the number of casinos robbed differs, but the basic plot is the same). Spiderman 3 just isn't striking me as especially captivating based on what I’ve seen so far, but I have a feeling it will deliver the goods once I watch it in the theater.
- Congress is being painted into a war-funding corner, and I don’t like the potential solutions I’m hearing discussed. Basically, Congress is bound to provide the necessary funds for a war if the president (no matter how moronic, idiotic, intellectually deficient and clueless he is) declares war and then drags it out for an interminable period of time with no justification. In other words, once W. rejects the war-funding bill about to be passed due to its troop-withdrawal language, Congress has to come up with an alternative solution so our fighting men and women have the funding they need. One option is a short-term funding bill that would force Congress to revisit the whole issue later this summer, but that option doesn’t seem to be gaining much traction. A second choice would be providing the funds but establishing certain guidelines and benchmarks for the Iraqi government to reach as a part of the agreement to provide funding. Lastly, Congress could just give W. what he’s asking for (no, not a swift ass kicking and a punch to the groin, although he is asking for both of those things) in terms of war funding, regroup and try to right this sinking ship when the 2008 funding debates roll around. In the interest of radical solutions and anti-establishment thinking, allow me to suggest a fourth option: a Congressional strike. Just go on strike, form picket lines outside the Capitol and tote your “Down with W.” signs around and shout derogatory remarks about our leader. Even with no legislative work being done, is anyone going to notice? I say no, as Congress is already so inefficient and lackluster in its duties that slowing the pace down to a nice, crisp zero won't be that much of a change. Sure that might be abandoning the duties your constituents elected you to do, but isn't that what congressional representatives already do anyhow? Heck, all 535 members of Congress can tag along on Nancy Pelosi’s next vacation, er, fact finding trip to the Middle East. Anything you can do to give the president the proverbial middle finger when he requests funds for his own Vietnam is appreciated, Congress.
- Last year, Will Ferrell appeared on SportsCenter to promote whatever movie he had out at the time and was asked to reprise his famous Harry Caray impression, which has become a favorite comedic staple of most every under the age of 30 who’s ever watched Saturday Night Live. Describing the Steve Bartman incident of 2003 through the eyes of the late Chicago Cubs announced, Ferrell yelped: “I feel doom encroaching upon us all!” That’s how I feel about the impending baseball apocalypse that will happen when nobody’s favorite roid-head, Bar-roid Bonds, breaks Hank Aaron’s career home run record of 755. Bonds hit two more bombs over the weekend and now has 740, meaning he’s increasingly likely to surpass the Hammer before the All-Star Break. The closer we get to this point, the more pissed I become as a baseball fan. With each tainted homer, Bonds comes closer to being the face of a record that used to stand for class, dignity and asterisk-free achievement. From the point Bar-roid breaks the mark until Alex Rodriguez inevitably surpasses it in about 5-6 years, baseball fans are going to be forced to admit that a cheating, lying, surly horse’s ass of a man is their sport’s best all-time power hitter. Maybe it seems absurd and extreme to suggest, as some critics have, that teams refuse to pitch to Bonds and thus keep him from breaking the record, but I’m in favor of doing it. How awesome would it be to see every team walk Bar-roid four times a game and to see the building roid rage in his eyes as he takes four wide ones every time to the plate and realizes he’s not going to be able to break the record. Now that’s a solution to our problem that all baseball fans can get behind…….
- It must, like, be, like so, like exciting to be Morgan Pozgar of Claysburg, Pa. right now, omigosh. The quick-thumbed 13-year-old won this year’s LG National Texting championship, besting hundreds of other teens with ginormous cell phone bills and a future full or carpal tunnel syndrome to take home the top prize of $25,000. The winning text was “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” from the movie Mary Poppins and took Pozgar a mere 15 seconds to type. There aren't many contests out there aimed at 13-year-old girls, but this is one of them. Still, speed typing a ridiculous word from an atrocious and unwatchable old movie featuring dancing penguins hardly seems like the right way to decide the texting champion. Why not stick to classics like w/e, bff, ttyl, cya, omg, inho, lol and other staples of the average teen girl’s online vocabulary. Plus, if Morgan is that quick of a texter, she’s going to need all of that prize money to pay her freaking huge cell bill each month. She claims she’s going to go shopping and buy lots of clothes, but her parents may have different ideas if they’re the ones who foot her phone bill every month.
- How the heck is this just now happening in 2007? In Ashburn, Ga., Turner County High School has finally held its first-ever integrated prom. Yes, I said first-ever, because somehow this backwater, socially retarded town has managed to stage separate proms for black and white students up to this point despite the fact that segregation (at least in the civilized portions of the country) ended in 1963. Instead of a school-sponsored prom, in past years black students and white students each raised money for their own private prom and somehow this was allowed to stand. Welcome to the twenty-first century, Ashburn. This shouldn’t at all perpetuate the stereotype that residents of the South are backwoods, backwater, socially stifled hillbillies who just don’t get it. True, most people in that region of our fine nation are not that way, but stories like this cast a negative light on the region in general. If Ashburn residents have time, I would suggest that they do a little research and spend time reading up on a little case I like to call Brown v. Board of Education, you all should find it to be rather informative.
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