- Is VH1 intentionally trying to induce depression in its viewers? There’s really no other plausible conclusion after viewing promos for two new reality show on the network featuring Bret Michaels and Scott Baio, respectively. Not that these two shows are going to be these awful blights on an otherwise stellar network; after all, almost all shows on VH1 are by their very nature a giant waste of time (except for Best Week Ever, of course). VH1 specializes in downtrodden, D-list celebs who can't get airtime anywhere else - thus, it is also the ideal destination for Dancing with the Almost Stars reruns as well. But coming soon, the network will plumb the depths of reality programming by having Baio in a show that follows his quest for love as a 45-year-old single dude who is desperate to find love. Sounds really appealing, right? Basically, this show is about the kind of person you’d make a point of avoiding and never talking to if you knew them personally because their life is so depressing and they’re so desperate. Then there’s Michaels, who used to have at least a shred of credibility as lead singer of the band Poison, but the end of the hair metal era has thrown B. Michaels into a tailspin he can’t pull out of. At this point, he’s not even the most successful Michaels in the entertainment industry, ranking well behind sports announcer Al and WWE wrestler Shawn. But VH1 has convinced Michaels to reprise the role of Flava Flav in a rock n’ roll version of Flavor of Love. Michaels will be wooed by a bunch of cosmetically enhanced, sex-depraved rock groupies who are about 10 years past their prime in a search for “true love.” Yes siree, these shows are hitting a new low, even for VH1, which is saying something because the network currently airs a show about Dustin Diamond and his quest to lose weight from his portly, misshapen physique. I’m having a hard time figuring out which network is more poorly run and destined to go under, VH1 or the CW……..actually, no, the CW is still the worst. You suck, Dawn Ostroff.
- Women’s golf has never been a meat grinder of a sport, one that chews up promising young talents and spits them out like a used piece of gum. Thus, a prodigy like Michelle Wie, who has the length off the tee to rival most men’s golfers and the overall talent to be the best women’s player far and away, should be able to enjoy a considerable amount of success on the LPGA tour. She may have done just that - if not for her ass-clown father and buffoonish team of advisors, who have turned her into a circus freak sideshow and a target of disdain for her peers and golf fans all around the world. First, Wie’s father B.J. pushed for her to play regularly in men’s events, a request made possible by tournament sponsors who were willing to give an exemption to M. Wie because she was a novelty are drew attention to their event. But because she was still a teenager, Wie was nowhere near ready to compete and win against professionals and she was soundly thrashed in every men’s event she played in. At the same time, she still hadn't won on the LPGA tour and wasn’t faring much better there. Now, she’s been beset by injuries, changed coaches and still hasn’t won a single LPGA event - and she’s pissing people off at a rapid rate. Her latest transgression came at a tournament last weekend, hosted by LPGA legend Annika Sorenstam, where Wie was in the midst of an atrocious first round. She was 14 shots over par through 16 holes and on the verge of shooting an 88 for the round, which is noteworthy for one specific reason. If a non-member of the tour, which Wie is, shoots and 88 or above in any round, that individual is banned from playing any tour events for a year. So what did Wie do? One of her advisors got to her on the course and she stopped playing after 16 holes, citing a sore wrist. It looked suspicious at the time, like she was bailing to avoid possibly shooting an 88. She didn’t help her cause when she was out the next day practicing on the driving range, preparing for this week’s LPGA Championship. Sorenstam cracked her for what she’d done, but Wie sniped back and sounded every bit like a spoiled brat in the process. Also during this time, Wie played in two pro-am events, where rich people pay good money to play a round with professionals the day or two prior to a tournament. Reports have Wie totally ignoring her playing partners in the pro-ams, acting like she was too good to even talk to them and was doing them a favor just by being there. All of these actions have turned Wie from a shooting star and fan favorite to a hated villain, with nearly everyone around her angry at her act and how she’s conducting herself. Ironically, at the LPGA Championship, Wie-haters are getting just what they want, with Michelle barely making the cut and dropping into last place during today’s round. Karma, it seems, has come around to bite her in the butt at long last………..
- So Dick Cheney had another physical exam from his doctor and as it turns out, contrary to popular belief, he is still alive. Actually, Cheney’s doc found no new blockage in the VP’s heart, although he does need a new battery for the special pacemaker inserted in his chest. No word on whether W. will be getting a new battery for the Idiot Inhibiter in his brain as well, but based on his actions of late, he needs one. Honestly, I have to say it’s not a lot of fun rooting for the impeachment of an incompetent president only to realize that the guy who would succeed him is one bad battery away from a dirt nap. Is there any way we can actually impeach both of them at the same time, then send them out on a hunting trip where Cheney is given the only shotgun? Let’s see if we can make that happen………
- Some activities are exercises in futility no matter how hard you try. Trying to justify the war in Iraq, trying to make Ryan Seacrest look intimidating and manly, getting Paris Hilton to stop having sex on camera….and of course, trying to get the CIA to admit that it has secret jails in a foreign country. It’s the freaking CIA, people, everything they do is secret and if they do have top-secret jails, do you honestly think they’re going to say, “Hey, you’re right, we do have secret jails in foreign countries, would ya like a tour?” That didn’t stop a European investigator from alleging that secret CIA jails exist in Poland and Romania as part of the investigator’s findings in an investigation into the alleged torturing of terrorist suspects. The Euro investigator claims that key terror suspects were shackled and handcuffed, kept naked for weeks on end and only allowed contact with the world at large via masked, silent guards. The CIA called the report “distorted,” but stopped short of outright denying the existence of such prisons. Huh, who would have figured the CIA would issue a cryptic, non-denial denial to a report alleging secret foreign prisons? These guys lie, deceive and mislead more than a political leader trying to justify and unjustifiable war in a foreign country that poses no actual threat to America - um, I mean, to his country.
- Here’s a quick-trigger, fast-react question for you: Is it a good idea to give gin to sixth graders? Please, I know it’s a tough question, but try not to dawdle. Ok, well while you mull it over, consider the fact that Phoenix Village Academy, a charter school in Akron, Ohio decided that giving students a teaspoon of a gin-and-water mixture and having them drink it was actually a good learning experience. The school, which focuses on the importance of African history and culture, claims that the ritual is similar to a rite of passage event in Ghana, but outraged parents and citizens aren't buying it. The sixth graders were blindfolded and given the teaspoon of gin and water, then told to drink it and answer truthfully if what they drank was water or not. The event was part of their graduation ceremony and was supposed to show the importance of telling the truth, but seeing as all of the kids spit out the bitter concoction, I’m not sure how much truth was left to tell. But you’re telling me that there was no other way, no other scenario you could use to illustrate the importance of telling the truth to 12-year-olds, one that didn’t involved alcohol? What, you couldn’t find enough joints for them all to smoke one and then be asked to honestly answer if what they had just smoked was actually a candy cigarette? Let’s just go ahead and assume that no matter what lesson you are trying to teach kids, giving them alcohol is a bad plan. That should go without saying, but as we all know, there are morons everywhere in America and we haven’t yet found a way to get rid of them. Actually, we’ve somehow managed to allow one to be elected to the highest office in the land, but that’s a whole other story……..
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