- When you urgently need to reach the police, there’s a quick, three-digit phone number you use: 911. I’m beginning to wonder if police departments nationwide should develop a similar number for them to call whenever they need to reach Pacman Jones about his newest legal incident. Seriously, this guy is wanted for questioning by the cops or facing charges more often than anyone I’ve ever heard of. He’s already got charges pending from an incident in Georgia, he’s about to have charges pending from the strip-club incident in Las Vegas and now police in Atlanta want to question him about a shooting involving members of his crew outside a Atlanta strip club. By the way, you know you’re a habitual criminal if we have to specify which strip club incident of yours we’re referring to because there’s more than one. But even though Pacman himself was not present at this latest altercation, members of his inner circle were there and police believe Jones may have some sort of information relating to the incident. Clearly, Pacman needs to reevaluate who he rolls with, because as much as the culture these guys live in mandates loyalty to your boys and not forgetting who you are and where you came from, it’s time for Jones to stop being loyal to these guys, forget who he is and forget where he came from. Those he chooses to have in his entourage are clearly pulling him down, contributing to the ruination of his life and making it hard for anyone to think of him as anything other than an outright delinquent. If you harbor any aspirations at all of ever playing in the NFL again, P., you need to get rid of some of the hangers-on around you and start acting a lot more responsibly than you currently are.
- I’m sure that like me, your day was made when you heard that the Spice Girls are seriously considering a reunion. After all, who doesn’t love a vocally-limited, lyrically-shallow, attitudinal all-girl dance/pop group that gave us hits like If You Wanna Be My Lover and Say You’ll Be There? I simply cannot tell you how many times over the past five years I’ve gotten into intense, passionate discussions with fellow music lovers, trying to dream up ways to bring the Spice Girls back together. Now it appears a reunion may happen because the one member of the group who had previously opposed reuniting the quintet has changed her mind. Mel C, as Melanie Chisholm was known during her Spice days (also as Sporty Spice) has relented and admitted that, “For the first time ever, there is some truth in the rumors. We’ve been discussing it and it could possibly happen.” Allow me to translate that for you in washed-up-pop-star-ese: I’m broke and I desperately need the money, so I’m willing to do most anything for it, including selling my dignity, self-respect and anything else that will put some cash in my pocket. Good to see you come around, Mel, the world of crappy chick group music just isn't the same without its pioneers, the Spice Girls.
- Fantasy sports are huge among sports fans right now, and I can't help but boast about a recent free agent pickup I got for one of my teams that is an all-time great move: Jose Tomas, world-renowned matador, came out of retirement over the weekend and scored a stunning victory over a raging bull. What, you mean you haven't heard about fantasy bullfighting? Seriously? I can't be the only one swept up in the sport’s contagious craze, can I? Trust me, you want to get in on this phenomenon right now, because when you have stories like Tomas’ triumphant return five years after retiring at the peak of his career, escaping a near-goring and rolling away from a situation in which the bull had him pinned to the ground with its snout, people are going to start paying attention. The Spanish crowd gave Tomas a standing ovation and he was presented with the ears of the bulls he had just slain as trophies for his efforts. If you’re scoring at home, the standing ovation is worth 15 points in most fantasy leagues, but the three ears as trophies is the true scoring bonanza, with each ear netting 40 points for a total of 120. Bull fighting, it’s faaaaaaaaaaaaaantastic!
- That smell lingering in the air, that would be the smell of a good conspiracy theory. Nobody loves conspiracy theories more than I do, and if I have to fabricate them from time to time in order to satisfy my curiosity, so be it. In light of news that there was a serious fire in a Capitol Hill house where Sen. Barack Obama, one of the leading candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination, I’m unveiling a brand-new conspiracy theory: that the fire was set by Sen. Hank Clinton, D-NY, in a ploy to intimidate and frighten one of her chief competitors for the presidential nomination. Honestly, looking at Hank, do you have any doubts that this dude will do whatever it takes to win? Look who Hank is married to - Bubba Clinton, the most deceitful, slick, conniving president we’ve ever had. Obama wasn’t home at the time of the fire, which actually began on the third floor of the building but spread to the second-floor apartment the senator rents. Again, clever of Clinton to make it look like an electrical fire on another floor, and to do it when Obama was out of town so no one was actually hurt. I’m onto your act, Hank, so don’t pull any more stunts like this…..
- Another weekend, another summer blockbuster taking the top spot in box office earnings on its opening weekend. This time, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is the movie in question, with $57.4 million in ticket sales. It’s a good result for a movie that, by admission of its stars, aims to appeal to a wide audience, to be safe for families and to basically be good eye candy throughout - goals at which the movie succeeds. I’m not so sure that Silver Surfer is better than the original Fantastic Four that premiered back in 2005, although the opening weekend tallies comes out in favor of Silver Surfer by a sleight $1.3-million margin. In any case, it was most definitely more successful than the teen movie Nancy Drew, which brought in a scant $7.1 million and finished seventh at the box office. Still more than a month for those of you counting down along with me to the premiere of The Bourne Ultimatum, which I’m picking to be the best of all the big summer movies in ’07.
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