- Every company, business or like entity has a low point in its existence, a moment when it so scrapes the bottom of the barrel that the aftermath is like the morning after your worst drunken night of idiocy ever, times a thousand. Right now would be that moment for NBC, ABC and any other television network offering $100,000 or $1 million to Paris Hilton for an in-jail interview. I don’t understand how on earth you can call yourself a legitimate major network and treat an interview with a vapid, dippy skank of a socialite who’s most famous for a never-ending string of sex tapes and is serving a 45-day sentence in county jail for something as trivial as a probation violation and treat it like you’re going to South Africa to interview Nelson Mandela when he’s imprisoned for his fight against apartheid. To be fair, NBC denies making any financial offer and the accusation that they did comes from ABC, which made the $100,000 offer. As eager as I am to be enlightened by the “lessons” P. Hilton has learned in the clink, any network that pays even one frakkin’ cent to interview this skank is getting ripped off of both its money and its dignity.
- Everyone mimicking the ending of The Sopranos finale in their campaign films, columns (see this example) and TV show segments is a moron, intent running a gimmick that wasn’t cool to begin with into the ground. I think by now everyone gets the idea, that the fade to black was a weird, unexpected and unusual ending to the series, an ending that confused some people, alienated others and pissed off many. However, the fact that shows, writers and even political candidates are still using this as a shtick for ending their respective efforts several weeks later shows a lack of originality, a freakish preoccupation with a TV show that a lot of Americans have never even watched because they don’t have the premium cable or satellite package with HBO (or even have cable at all) and a refusal to let a highly overrated show die. Give it up people, the joke wasn’t even funny the first time you tried it, nor was it funny the second, third and 14,688th time. Move on, find a new comedic device and try making use of that squishy gray thing that is supposed to be rattling around inside your skull.
- If they ever decide to sell fun in a packaged form at your local supermarket, the following two ingredients will be all they need to list on the side of the box or container: athletes and Tasers. Not one single time have these two entities been involved in a situation without producing ridiculous amounts of enjoyment for me and sports fans worldwide. It never fails that you have athletes who have too much to drink, are out too late and run afoul of the law, often necessitating a Taser blast to subdue the belligerent athlete. Miami Dolphins defensive lineman Fred Evans knows what I’m talking about, because my main man Fred was out late on Friday night/Saturday morning and refused to leave a cab. When police came on the scene, they tried to get Evans out of the vehicle but found him resistant and ended up having to use a Taser to subdue the 6-foot-4, 305 pound lineman. Why athletes have such a hard time listening to cops who order them to get out of vehicles, get on the ground and put their hands behind their head I have no idea, but I’m hoping it keeps happening. Not much brightens my day like the mental image of a massive NFL player belligerently (and possibly drunkenly) hassling the cops and being put down with a Taser blast, good times all around!
- Can't believe I’m saying this, but I’m siding with a tabloid in a court case. It’s hard to do so regularly when these rags claim that an 18-pound alien baby was born in California or that Celebrity A is sleeping with Celebrity B, C and D all at the same time and getting away with it, but in this case the story is different. The Sun, a British tabloid, is claiming that David Hasselhoff was spotted drunk at a Hollywood nightclub following a victory in a custody battle with his ex-wife over their two teenage children. The ‘Hoff, who still has not capitulated to my request that he show up completely hammered to tape every episode of that hideous NBC talent/reality show he’s a judge on, has sued the publication for its allegation and is demanding a printed apology. This is akin to Bill Clinton denying that he hit on a hot intern or Matthew McConaughey denying that he was spotted shirtless at the beach in Malibu. There’s no way anyone is going to buy Hasselhoff’s denial, not after his hilarious/tragically sad video filmed by his daughter of him at his drunken worst a few months ago. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe D. Hasselhoff was just drinking Shirley Temple’s and at a club late at night for the atmosphere and great music………umm, sure.
- Who among us hasn’t used the alter ego of a nonexistent male prostitute to pen an “autobiographical” novel that someone wanted to turn into a movie? I think that’s something we can all relate to, which is why you really have to feel for San Francisco writer Laura Albert, the woman/fake male hooker who has been ordered by a jury to pay a production company $116,500 after she defrauded the company in its attempt to make her fake life story into a movie. Antidote International Films, Inc. sued Albert, who went by the pen name JT LeRoy and used friends wearing wigs and posing as the fictitious LeRoy for interviews, and won after learning the truth about her life. Albert predictably went to the Psychological-Problems-Because-of-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse card, claiming she has been assuming male identities for decades to cope with the trauma from those childhood incidents. Well, to be fair, when you’re facing a ginormous potential judgment against you in federal court, it’s not always easy to come up with a plausible excuse, so let’s give Albert a little leeway, something the jury in her case did not do.
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