- As always, no one knows how to riot quite like soccer fan. Soccer fan will look for any and every excuse to go crazy, throw flares and urine bombs at others, burn cars, smash store windows and in general act like an all-out hooligan. Soccer fan riots in celebration when his team wins, he riots in anger when his team loses and riots just for the heck of it when his team has an off day and he needs to let out that pent-up soccer fan rage. Problem is, often when soccer fan goes soccer fan, people get killed as a result, and soccer is never, ever a good reason for anyone to die. At a soccer riot in the African nation of Zambia yesterday, 12 people were killed when jubilant fans rushed from the stadium following the Zambian team’s key victory in an African Cup qualifier. Fans were in a hurry to leave and go riot, er, celebrate elsewhere, and in the stampede out of the stadium, twelve innocent people were trampled to death. If these people would just take a cue from Los Angeles sports fans, this problem could have been averted. L.A. fans arrive late anyhow, leave early and so they never have a problem with a mass exodus from the stadium. But that’s how out of control soccer fan is, even something as simple as leaving the stadium after a big win becomes a life-or-death experience with these people.
- It’s good to see even a despicable, lecherous, low-life scumbag like Larry Flynt sticking to his guns and doing what he does best. Sure, what he does best is pander all sorts of pornographic and sexual fodder that plays to the lowest common denominator of our society, but at least in his old age, L. Flynt is still operating at a world-class pervert level. His latest stunt was a full-page ad in a Washington, D.C. paper offering $1 million to anyone who could provide tangible proof of an illicit affair with a high-level government official. Flynt is demanding that anyone claiming such an affair have "documented evidence of illicit sexual or intimate relations with a Congressperson, Senator or other prominent office holder." What Flynt didn’t specifically mention but something that is also included in the deal, in addition to the $1 million payout, is an upgrade to a luxury suite in hell for being a despicable, greedy, lowlife piece of crap willing to use an illicit affair with a public official as a means to gravy train some extra wealth for yourself. But hey, how else is Flynt going to make a run at O.J. in the race to be the worst guy ever in the history of the world if he doesn’t keep pulling stunts like this? You are a truly despicable human being, Larry, and it makes me sick just knowing I’m sharing the same planet with you.
- Billy Donovan has a lot more in common with a 12-year-old girl than you might think. Both use entirely too much product on their hair each day and neither one can make up their mind. However, Donovan’s decisions have much bigger ramiprecussions than what flavor of lip gloss to wear or whether to sit with Jenny or Ashley at lunch today in the cafeteria. Donovan’s on again, off again decision to leave the University of Florida to take the vacant head coaching position with the NBA’s Orlando Magic is now off again, this time probably for good. After agreeing to a 5-year, $27 million deal to take over Orlando’s roster of budding young stars, Donovan issued all sorts of proclamations about how this was the new challenge he needed and how promising Orlando was as a team. A day later, Billy D. was hightailing it in reverse, changing his mind and begging Orlando to let him out of the generous new contract he’d just signed. It appears that the Magic will relent and let him go, which is a good decision, because there’s no way you can send a coach who doesn’t want to be there in to deal with NBA players, because they’ll eat the guy alive and they won't trust him at all because they know his heart is somewhere else. This situation is just a black eye for everyone involved, and the sooner the Magic find a new coach and move on and Donovan returns to UF and moves on, the better off everyone will be.
- When events you’ve seen on fictional TV series, it’s definitely an odd experience. Depending on the show in question, this occurrence could be a good thing or a really bad thing. For example, if someone were to come back from the dead, as happens all the time on shows like Smallville, that would be a good thing. However, when life imitates art in the form of a prison riot, a la Prison Break, that would be a decidedly negative turn of events. That a prison riot happened in the same state (Illinois) where PB had its beginning and first season is a little more unnerving. That the riot mirrored a riot that took place in that first season of the show is even freakier. Over the weekend, police at a medium security prison in Ullin, Illinois used tear gas to force 46 inmates out of a prison area where they had barricaded themselves in and set fire to books and mattresses. The Pulaski County state’s attorney is considering filing charges against the inmates involved in the uprising, but thankfully no one was injured in the incident. Unfortunately for these inmates, I don’t think a Prison Break-style escape is in order for any of them. More likely, these guys will be getting some nice extensions on their sentences and some quality time in the hole.
- Like me, I’m sure you’ve seen America’s standing in the international athletic community slipping in recent years. Sports we once dominated, such as basketball and baseball, are now up for grabs as other nations raise their game to match America. Time after time, our teams come up short in international competitions and I for one am sick of it. So I applaud a true patriot and American hero for stepping up over the weekend to wrest a vital major international title away from a foreign counterpart. Stand up and take a bow, Joey Chesnut, you wolfed down a disgusting 59 ½ hot dogs (with buns) in 12 minutes to defeat the immortal Takeru Kobayashi of Japan and establish a new world record for eating the most sickening mixture of meat products known to mankind. Kobayashi previously held the record of 53 ¾ dogs, set last July at Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, held at Coney Island in New York. Chesnut set the record during the Southwest Regional Hot Dog Eating Championship at the Arizona Mills Mall in suburban Tempe. His prize for the victory included a year's supply of hot dogs and a $250 gift card to the mall. How this dude can ever look at another hot dog ever, I don’t know, but more power to him. But exactly how many hot dogs is a year’s supply for a guy who can eat 59 ½ in 12 minutes? Do you give him 5,000 dogs? 10,000? Ultimately, though, what matters is that the world record is back in America, the true home of gluttony and obesity, and we have Joey Chesnut to thank for that.
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