- What does every successful college football powerhouse need? If you answered talented recruits, you’re wrong. Ditto with recruits who score high on their SAT’s, recruits with high character, loyal fans, good coaches and powerful boosters. All of those things are peripheral, because if you’re going to truly be one of this country’s powerhouse programs, what you’re going to need is a stable of assaulting, thieving, lying, woman-beating, drug dealing criminals on your team. Clearly, the University of Tennessee is one of those programs, while the football team at Samford University is trying to get there. Leading the way for Samford right now is Michael Sherrod Hall, who has been indicted by a federal grand jury with one count of federal bank robbery for the June 22nd holdup of an Amsouth Bank in Shelby County, Alabama. The best part of the whole story is that Hall allegedly used a toy gun in the heist and got away with more than $18,000 in cash. The money was recovered, but sadly after using a toy gun to rob a bank, Hall’s dignity never will be. Of course, when compared with Tennessee walk-on Justin Jackson, Hall is a bit of a criminal lightweight. Jackson was arrested by Knoxville police Wednesday night on felony charges of possessing and selling crack cocaine. A police department spokesman saw Jackson’s car stopped around 8:30 p.m. and was about to hit him for a seat belt violation when he saw what appeared to be cocaine in the vehicle. A search of Jackson and the vehicle also turned up a bag of marijuana and $632 in cash. Jackson was charged with two counts of felony sale or possession of a controlled substance, and also arrested was Guy Jenkins, 25, who was standing next to the car and was charged after police found 37 bags believed to contain crack cocaine. Folks, I feel confident in saying that if you look up the phrase “student athlete” in the dictionary, you’ll find the pictures of Michael Sherrod Hall and Justin Jackson. What fine, shining examples of what all athletes in colleges and universities around America should aspire to. Seriously, well done, guys, well done. You’re an example to us all……..of how to be incredibly stupid and throw away your life with the most moronic schemes known to man.
- Great, now Europe is going to hate us all over again. We already pissed them off, especially Germany, when we foisted the travesty that is David Hasselhoff’s music career on them, now America is going to be vilified for pulling the plug on NFL Europa. NFL Europa is basically a developmental league for the NFL, where players who can't make the cut for an NFL roster try to improve their game so they can make it in the big time. With teams in places like Frankfurt, Amsterdam and Rhein, the league has been a hugely popular draw in Europe for all of its 16 years. Well, either that or it’s been a marginally followed, mostly unpopular waste of time that no one cared about when it existed and that no one will miss now that it’s gone. The league lost its value as a developmental league for the NFL a decade ago due to expansion in the NFL, which lessened the number of quality players available for the Euro game. Also, with NFL Europa losing about $32 million a year, it’s kinda hard to justify keeping it going. The truly, truly sad part of all of this is that having NFL Europa was the only teaching tool we really had to show Euros that this is what football is, not the game of mulleted, greasy Euros faking injuries, eating orange slices and kicking around a round black and white ball that they try to call football. Fear not, Euros, I’ll think of some other means to communicate this vital message, America will not abandon you!
- Another day, another colossal failure for W. Well, I suppose the war in Iraq is a failure every day, so that should be the primary reason for scorning and deriding the ginormous tool currently residing in the Oval Office. However, today there is yet another reason to mock and ridicule him. What’s that? There are multiple reasons to do that every day? All right, the point is that in a big-time blow to the president’s agenda, the immigration bill he’s been pushing so vigorously and made his top domestic policy point has failed in the Senate. On Thursday, senators defeated the immigration bill that would have legalized millions of undocumented immigrants. Passionate, vocal and prolonged debate marked every moment of the bill’s presence before the Senate, with senators ultimately voting to block final action on the bill and basically kill it where it stood. Mexican Presidente Daniel Ortega labeled the decision “a grave mistake,” which makes sense. Of course he disagrees with the move, who wouldn’t like the chance to get rid of millions of people from your economically struggling country, have them become citizens of our wealthier neighbor to the north and let them be someone else’s problem? The reality is that something still needs to be done about the immigration issue and the issue will have to be revisited in the months ahead, because it’s an issue that greatly affects America. However, this solution that W. hung his hat on won't be the one to make things right, so let’s get moving on the next idea…………but give W. one, two or ten more months, because let’s face it, coming up with ideas is a hard, hard process for him, takes lots of crayons, lots of Juicy Juice and plenty of “thinkeration.”
- So it’s official: to the delight of exactly no one, the Spice Girls have made their reunion official. The quintet of pop tarts have finally realized that as much of a joke as they were together, they were even more irrelevant and ignored individually. Thus, they will attempt to reunite and squeeze the last few dollars out of their novelty act that they try to pass off as a musical group. Their comeback will include a world tour (may I suggest Siberia, Antarctica and northern Greenland as the best and only destinations?), a documentary (titled Watch as Five Brainless Bimbos Try to Write a Single Song Using One-Syllable Words) and a greatest hits album (How you make one of those without any actual hits, I still don’t know). The first show will be in December, meaning there’s still time to erect barricades around your city’s musical venues, buy the best ear plugs on the market and start stockpiling rotten fish and fruit to hurl at the Spice Skanks when they try to enter your town. This comeback is even sadder than the aging, damaged and battered Evander Holyfield attempting comeback after comeback in the boxing ring despite the fact that his brain has been beaten to mush by all the abuse he’s taken over the years. His speech may be slurred, his motor skills compromised, but he just won't do the right thing and stay away. Neither will the Spice Skanks, but at least Holyfield was one of the greatest boxers of his era, whereas these five dancing dipwads were never any good to begin with.
- Remember that whole scare with toxic Chinese-made toothpaste being shipped to the United States a few weeks ago? Initially it appeared that issuing a massive recall of the tainted toothpaste would solve the problem, but the recall wasn’t enough and now that toxic ‘paste may help us solve another problem. Shipments of the product went to some state prisons and mental hospitals in Georgia, showing that distribution was wider than initially thought. Call me overly optimistic, but I think this may be a positive. While I regret the toothpaste going to mental hospitals and realize that’s a bad thing, is it so terrible that some of it also went to prisons? Maybe you have a prisoner who didn’t really receive a severe enough punishment, perhaps an overly sympathetic jury gave him too light of a sentence or an overburdened prosecutor didn’t have enough resources to adequately prosecute a criminal and the guy got off with too light of a sentence………..well, just give him some of the toxic toothpaste and………..do I have to spell it out for you? So there are some chemicals typically used in industrial cleaners in there, so what? Whoops, how did that tube of toothpaste get into the cell of that guy who got off with a generous plea deal after that brutal assault? What do you mean he’s extremely ill now and might not live? Darn. See, sometimes it’s good to look for the positive in a potentially disastrous situation.
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