- No need to worry about Sen. Hank Clinton winning the upcoming presidential election America, we can all rest easy. Hank’s campaign is going nowhere but down the crapper, and I can say that with absolute certainty. How can I be so sure? Simple, because in unveiling the first video for his campaign, Hank revealed that the theme song for the campaign will be a tune by……..Celine Dion. Yes, in a campaign video released on YouTube and Hank’s very own website, a video parodying the final episode of The Sopranos shows Hank and former President Bubba Clinton in a diner with Hank perusing songs on the jukebox. Ultimately she settles on one of the homogenous, droll ballads of the waifish, ginormous-nosed Canadian songstress and the last image seen on screen, in bright red letters, is “Contribute.” Sorry Hank, but the only contribution I’m making as it relates to you is contributing my vote to one of your opponents at every chance I get to make sure I don’t have to live out the terrifying nightmare of you being the leader of this country. Oh, and nice song choice, a middle-aged Vegas lounge act who not only sings some of the most boring, excitement-deprived music ever, but who contributed the theme song to one of the most disastrously hideous movie monstrosities of all time, Titanic. Here’s hoping your campaign ends up like that ship, Hank; broken down, taking on water and sinking to the bottom of a cold, icy ocean, never to be heard from again.
- Why has television suddenly become a dating service for washed-up musicians, athletes and actors? Yes, I know reality TV isn't smart, sophisticated or good to begin with, but why is every former athlete, musician or actor being given their own reality show as a means to finding them a surgically enhanced, desperate bimbo that they can “love”? First it was Flava Flav, then VH1 announced reality dating shows for Bret Michaels and Scott Baio, and on top of it all, I flip through the channels last night and come across Age of Love with former ATP tennis star Mark Philipoussis? Look fellas, I get it that you all are no longer the successful stars you once were and that maybe you’re having a slightly tougher time pulling chicks than you used to. However, can you not conduct your quest for love with a little dignity, i.e. not on camera and national TV? Clearly there will never be a shortage of cleavage-sporting skanks looking for launch an acting career, er, find true love via reality TV, so unless all of you ex-athletes, musicians and actors stop saying yes to terrible ideas like these shows, they’re going to keep happening and you’re going to continue looking totally pathetic and idiotic.
- Criminal behavior must be contagious, because it’s continuing to spread through the Cincinnati Bengals like a virus and now it’s infected the backups. Quincy Wilson, a backup running back for Team Incarceration, got hit with a charge of disorderly conduct after being among a crowd of about a dozen people that refused to disperse after a party, even after police directly ordered them to do so. Wilson’s arrest adds another entry to a team rap sheet that may not include serious, violent crimes or major drug convictions, but has nonetheless given the Bengals a huge black eye, both within the NFL and outside of it. The Bengals continue to find low-character guys and lowlifes, even as most NFL teams are beginning to place a premium on high-character players in light of Roger Goodell’s new, more strict player-conduct policy. I can't get too excited about Wilson’s arrest, though, because with Goodell going all bad cop on us and seemingly suspending any player who engages in even the most minor criminal activity, there’s no way the Bengals are going to be able to do what they almost did last season, to tally double-digit arrests. That dream is dead, so I’m going to have to turn my aspirations elsewhere, perhaps to the Oakland Raiders and their quest this upcoming season to go 0-16………………
- So who’s looking forward to $6.75-a-gallon gasoline? Like it or not, that’s what you’re probably going to end up with if the U.S. Senate has its way. The Senate has introduced a proposal to stick oil companies with $29 billion in new taxes, and of course if oil companies have to pay tens of billions of dollars more in taxes, that cost is going to be passed on to you, the consumer. Theoretically the tax hike would actually benefit consumers by funneling the revenue into energy conservation, wind turbines, electric hybrid cars and clean-coal technology, but does anyone honestly have faith in the government to uphold promises to efficiently and competently appropriate money to where it says it will appropriate money? Didn’t think so. The tax increase is more than double the original amount that had been set forth, but the Senate Finance Committee still approved the proposal by a 15-5 vote. Gas prices going up, watch out above!
- Among the things that are not likely to help Adam “Pacman” Jones in his quest to have NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell reduce Pac’s one-year suspension from the league is the follow: two felony charges for the February melee incident at the Minx Club in Las Vegas, where Pacman allegedly threatened to kill club employees and bit a bar bouncer on the ankle. It’s a decidedly bad thing when on back-to-back days, your name is on the police blotter and it’s for two separate incidents. Yesterday it was a shooting at outside an Atlanta strip club by Jones’ crew that police there want to question him about, today it’s two felony charges being filed in Vegas. Dude is a bi-coastal felon, what with the assault charges he had levied against him in college at West Virginia. Many observers felt that Goodell was waiting to see what would happen with the Vegas incident before he made up his mind about Pacman’s long-term future, and if that’s true, the future does not look bright for Pac right about now. Two felony charges not only will prevent the shortening of his suspension, they may lengthen it or make it a lifetime ban if Jones is ultimately convicted on either or both of these new charges. What’s sad for Jones is that when he was able to actually be on the field, he showed an amazing wealth of talent and athleticism that could have made him a perennial Pro Bowl player if he could have gotten his act together.
- College is a time when you pick up a lot of new skills and life lessons: living with people who look, think act and believe differently than you do, focusing in on what you want to do with your life, learning to become more of an adult and take responsibility for yourself, how to hit three separate keggers in one night, mix in some weed and still make it to your first class the next day for an exam you forgot to study for……and how to assault someone on the street with a mop. Granted, that last one is something you don’t pick up at every university, but it’s definitely something you can pick up at Brigham Young University, because BYU track star Kyle Perry, a top runner on the school’s track team, has been arrested and charged with aggravated assault after going upside another dude’s head with a mop. Perry was driving through downtown Provo (Motto: America’s Whitest Town, 200 Years Running) with a bucket of mops somehow hanging out of his vehicle. He passed too closely by a pedestrian, words were exchanged and next thing you know, these two are going mop-o a mop-o. This, by the way, is the surest sign that your city has become waaaaaay too dangerous and out of control, when you have guys rolling with loaded mops, looking to brawl. In a civilized society, you just cannot resort to mop-on-mop violence. Of course, I know exactly what K. Perry was thinking; there is no quicker and more sure way to establish your street cred than to go upside another dude’s head with a mop. When people know that’s how you roll, they give you respect. Next time, though, K., leave the heavy artillery at home and try to avoid resorting to this type of senseless violence.
- New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg does realize that there’s no such thing as hitting for the political party cycle, right? Bloomberg is hitting one party after another on the political continuum, first going most of his adult life as a Democrat, then switching to Republican before the NYC mayoral election and now dropping his GOP ties to become unaffiliated politically. Some speculation has been thrown out that this move is a precursor to Bloomberg running as an independent in the 2008 presidential election, a notion that Bloomberg denies (which of course means that it’s true.) With an estimated net worth of more than $5 billion, Bloomberg could easily finance a run for the White House, although based on his uber-limited chances in such an endeavor, there have to be a lot cheaper potential hobbies out there for him to engage in. On the other hand, we really don’t have any current or former political leaders from New York or NYC in this election, so…….oh wait, you mean we have the man who proceeded Bloomberg as mayor and a militant, surly, frighteningly dude-like senator from the state both running? Never mind then……….
- You still suck, NASCAR and NASCAR fan. Chalk up another black mark on your not-a-sport sport, what with the fact that the name of your championship will be shifting for the second time in the past few years from the NEXTEL Cup to the Sprint Cup. Nothing like an alleged sport whose championship changes names due to a change in sponsor. Funny, but I don’t see the NFL, NBA, MLB or NHL changing the name of their championship series because of a sponsor change. And why is that? Oh, that’s right, they’re not rednecks-driving-in-circles snore fests whose championships have sponsors. Their competitors don’t have their entire outfit covered with advertisements and oh yeah, they all know how to make a frakkin’ left-hand turn! You suck NASCAR, and you’ll continue to suck for as long as you continue to exist.
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