- Tank Johnson just may have a future in politics. Anyone that can make such grand, flowery promises to clean up his act and live a good life and break those promises to quickly and stupidly could do very well in political office. Johnson, the burly defensive tackle who served two months in prison for a probation violation that saw him illegally stockpiling enough weapons to stage a hostile takeover in Cambodia, was suspended for eight games earlier this offseason by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for running afoul of Goodell’s new player conduct policy. Johnson was contrite and remorseful when suspended, even promising to clean up his act and turn his life around to the extent that he would be named the NFL Man of the Year. Well that lasted all of a month, because over the weekend Johnson was arrested again, this time in Gilbert, Arizona on charges of speeding and driving while impaired to slightest degree. His team (now his former team), the Chicago Bears, wasted no time in releasing the troubled tackle and saying that he had disgraced the entire organization with his behavior. Well done, Tank, you went from being a star player on a Super Bowl team to a convicted criminal and a guy on his way out of the NFL all within one year. Nice judgment as well, being out at 3:30 a.m., driving after you’d had too much to drink and knowing that you needed to live a squeaky clean life if you had any hope of getting back into the NFL. Even though he was eventually released by the Gilbert police without being booked or charged, this incident was the one mistake Johnson couldn’t afford and now he’s going to pay for it severely.
- It is known in Europe and South America as the beautiful game, while in America it is known as the game that we all implicitly agree to ignore once we reach the age of 10. Soccer sparks passion in millions worldwide, but the game’s true entertainment value lies in situations like the following. An Argentinean soccer riot took place yesterday in Buenos Aires, and this was a whopper of a riot. One person died in the melee, at least 14 others were seriously injured and 78 hooligans were arrested. The riot started when fans of the Nueva Chicago club stormed the field to protest a penalty call on one of their team’s players. In the moments that followed, these lunatics proceeded to throw rocks, swing large metal pipes and use massive metal advertising signs as battering rams on other fans, on security, on players and anything else that got in their way. It took riot police using tear gas, full riot gear and rubber bullets to restore order, order being a relative term of course. See, this is why I love soccer, because if things don’t go your way, you can just riot and generally destroy everything in sight. No need for order, lawfulness or civility; find any heavy object you can find and use it as a weapon. If you have time, bag up some urine for a few good urine bombs to throw. Should you have any incendiary materials handy, begin lighting things on fire. If this is what international soccer fans mean by the “beautiful game,” then I have to agree with them, what a beautiful sight indeed.
- The are small-time criminals, there are felons, there are major criminals………and then there’s grifter Shirley Gordon, a professional con artist with a rap sheet that boggles my mind and a recently completed scam that is both utterly hilarious and completely jacked up. Gordon, working with two partners, was able to work over her St. Petersburg, Fla. chiropractor, Rhonda Schroeder, by “setting her up” with an ex-boyfriend that Gordon has posing as New York Mets pitcher and future hall-of-famer Pedro Martinez, then squeezing the good doctor for a series of extravagant thank you gifts. Gordon conned Schroeder into buying her a $450,000 waterfront home, outfitting that home with $150,000 in furnishings, throwing $20,000 in jewelry and some plastic surgery and leasing her a $45,000 Cadillac Escalade. To complete the scam, Gordon arranged to have another ex-boyfriend, one in prison, posing as Pedro and sending emails to the chiropractor. This isn't Gordon’s first rodeo either. Listen to this criminal record: 40 felony convictions in last 38 years, at least 35 different aliases, two escapes from prison and multiple marriages mixed in. How Gordon is averaging a felon conviction a year for nearly four decades and isn't behind bars I have no idea. But bonus points for not one, but two escapes from prison. If she ever gets out of jail on the coming conviction for this latest scam, I just may have to bring one Shirley Gordon in as a guest lecturer at my seminar for aspiring criminal masterminds and plotters.
- Having a valued piece of clothing lost at the dry cleaners is an experience many of us share. You take in a shirt, pants suit or dress to be cleaned and somehow it gets lost in the shuffle at the cleaners. It happens, the store makes reparations and you go on your way, still pissed but realizing that there’s not much else you can do. Well, other than slapping that cleaner with an absurd, tort-system-abusing $54 million lost pants lawsuit, of course. Roy L. Pearson is the massive tool who brought forth this absurd lawsuit, claiming that he was entitled to an eight-figure payout because his neighborhood dry cleaner lost a pair of pants from a suit he dropped off for cleaning and then gave him back a pair of pants that weren't his. Oh no! What a tragedy, I’m sure the emotional shock of getting back the wrong pair of pants and realizing your pants are lost is worth more than some Third World countries have in their bank accounts. It’s too bad that the Supreme Court could do nothing more than dismiss this idiot’s case, because if ever there was a time to enact punitive measures against people who bring idiotic, greedy lawsuits like a lost-pants lawsuit, this would be that time. Put people like Pearson in jail for six months for punishment and see if that doesn’t discourage them from bringing another frivolous lawsuit.
- Any fan sitting at a local sports bar or in the bleachers at a pro sporting event can be heard criticizing and analyzing the play of their favorite team. We all enjoy second-guessing the manager, ripping our team’s players when they screw up and playing the armchair quarterback. However, unless you are a full-out hooligan soccer fan (see above), one thing you can't do, no matter how fueled up you are, is charge the field to confront one of your team’s players. That message was apparently not passed on to a Chicago Cubs fan at Monday’s game, an idiot who burst onto the field at Wrigley Field in the midst of a ninth inning where the Cubbies were in the process of blowing an 8-3 lead. As closer Bob Howry was struggling to shut down the rally by the visiting Colorado Rockies, the fan burst onto the field and on the strength of one or nine beers, went right at Howry. According to reports, he began belligerently questioning Howry about what the heck he was doing before being tackled by security. The Cubs actually rallied to win the game in the bottom of the ninth, 10-9, but the overzealous fan wasn’t around to see it. I may be beating a deceased horse on this one, but why is it that so many incidents where drunk/stoned fans charge the field happen in Chicago? The cross-town White Sox have had two such incidents in recent years, once when a father/son meth-head tandem attacked Kansas City first base coach Tom Gamboa and another incident when a fan tried to charge an opposing team’s outfielder but was mobbed and brought down by several players. Hey Chicago, can you at least try to keep people off the field at games in your city? Maybe hire some extra security, maybe have Breathalyzer tests and drug tests set up in the concourse at sporting venues, whatever it takes. If I’m a pro athlete visiting Chicago, I’m playing with one eye on the game and the other on the stands, because you never know where the next attack is coming from.
- Never let it be said that Afghanistan isn't contributing anything to the world’s economy. The country where our fight against terrorism began and where thousands of American soldiers remain to this day increased its already world-leading opium production by nearly 50 percent in 2006. In so doing, the Afghans pushed worldwide opium production to a new high (pun intended), according to a United Nations report. The report also states that overall, global drug usage has remained more or less constant for a third straight year, which does pose a bit of a quandary. After all, opium production is up, yet usage is the same. It can mean only one thing, folks: Willie Nelson is stockpiling every drug he can get his hands on in case the drug crackdown in America becomes any stricter. There’s no way Willie is going to be without his drugs, and if he has to stockpile it in secret locations to prepare for lean days ahead, then by God, he’s gonna do it. But a big thumbs up to Afghanistan for proving that it is willing to give something to the world, even if that something is illegal and illicit drugs.
- In continuing my role as a shameless honk for ABC’s new drama airing this summer, Traveler, let me remind all of you to tune in tomorrow (Wednesday) night for the next installment of this terrorism-themed thrill ride, an episode titled “The Trader.” The episode will focus on Jay (Matthew Bomer) and Tyler (Logan Marshall-Green) as they return to New York to look at financial links to the bombing of the Drexler Museum, the event that set the stage for the whole series. Hopefully this week will be a nice rebound from a good-but-subpar episode last week (see my post from Thursday for more) and revive the excitement that has made this show the one high point of my summer viewing. It is a bit sad that even on its worst episode thus far, Traveler was still ten times better than any of the other crap programming the major networks are running the other nights of the week. Still, tomorrow at 10 p.m. is your chance to get on board if you haven't already…………
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