- I smell chicken, and the odor is wafting directly from the scared, shaking corner where hot dog-eating legend Takeru Kobayashi is quivering in fear, terrified of America’s new gargantuan of gluttony, Joey Chesnut. After Chesnut crushed a new world record 59 1/2 dogs in a recent competition in Arizona, everyone began looking forward to the showdown with the immortal Kobayashi (extra points for being named after the mysterious lawyer in The Usual Suspects) at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island on the Fourth of July. Nathan’s is the premier hot dog-eating event in the world, assuming that a hideously sickening event like gluttons jamming the most disgusting meat product in the world down their pie holes in excessive fashion can be considered “premier” and what not. However, Kobayashi is already floating rumors that he may not be able to compete on the big day due to a jaw injury that reportedly won't allow him to open his mouth wide enough to cram to hot dogs in. I see right through your excuse, K., and I don’t buy it for a second. You’re scared because for once you know you can't win and you’re too timid and don’t have enough testicular fortitude to face down a superior adversary like Chesnut. Whether Kobayashi shows up or not, my American pride tells me that Joey Chesnut is going to crush so many hot dogs that there will be no doubt left in anyone’s mind that he, and he alone, is the true champion of chowing down.
- Is there some sort of contest among the major networks to see who can create the absolute worst summer programming and no one told me about it? There really isn't any other plausible explanation for ABC’s new show, which I caught a short promo for, titled Just for Laughs. This moronic new show features “candid” and “funny” moments where the show stages what are supposed to be comedic incidents that have people popping up out of toilet seats as unsuspecting people try to use the restroom, others making out with wax figurines as “amused” onlookers whisper and state, actors stabbing fake limbs that bystanders supposedly don’t know are fake - basically the most base, stupid and lame attempt at comedy I can remember seeing in a long, long time. America’s Funniest Videos and its uber-predictable cycle of kids hitting their dad in the junk with plastic wiffle ball bats, people falling off trampolines and cats falling into toilets thinks that Just for Laughs is pathetic and unwatchable. I thought perhaps CBS had hit rock bottom when I was flipping through the channels and saw that the network had filled its 8-9 p.m. time slot with an infomercial last night, but even the worst infomercial would be five times better than this new joke of a show on ABC. So if there really is a competition to see which network can churn out the worst summer programming, go ahead and move ABC into the lead…………
- Great rebound for my new favorite summer show Traveler last night. After an episode last week that was the weakest so far, this week’s show was just phenomenal, a great, fast-paced mix of excitement, drama and new revelations for our friends Tyler, Jay and Will. Although the episode ended with a cliffhanger of yet another face-to-face meeting between one of the main characters and the FBI that you have to figure the character (Tyler) is going to escape from, everything else in the show was top notch. The scenes with Tyler (Logan Marshall-Green) and his father during which we learn that Jay and Tyler have been set up by a conspiracy that goes way up the political ladder and in which Tyler’s father, Carlton (William Sadler) played a willing part and benefited financially, were awesome. Also, the show’s execs continue to blur the line of good or evil for Will Traveler, as Will remains mixed up with the mysterious, government-linked terrorist organization that led to him bombing the Drexler, while at the same time fighting to avenge the death of his girlfriend Maya and defend his decision not to kill Jay and Tyler in the bombing. There was a great, dramatic fight sequence in a secluded park in the episode featuring will and a former colleague, plus a bungling, at-times-humorous “kidnapping” of a former college buddy by Jay and Tyler. All told, one of the top episodes of this short season. Traveler is definitely building momentum as the season goes on and making a strong, strong case for a spot on ABC’s schedule for the upcoming season.
- Drafts in professional sports can be long, tedious and less-than-thrilling exercises in waiting from pick to pick, but if you stick with them, you’ll find at least a few moments of high comedy. That was especially true in tonight’s NBA Draft, where we saw one of the most clichéd, hilarious and fake scenes anywhere in sports, a scene that’s repeated in every sport’s draft, be it basketball, baseball or football: the self-congratulatory group clap/hug session in a team’s draft room once their pick is sent in. This draft’s prime example was the Portland Trailblazers, whose execs clapped like those mechanical wind-up monkeys with cymbals in their hands when they turned in their pick of Ohio State center Greg Oden. One question, Portland execs: What are you congratulating yourselves for? You had the first pick, so that means you got whoever you wanted, no exceptions. Picking Oden took no skill on your part, he was the clear No. 1 choice and no one could step in front of you and take him. Stop congratulating yourselves for doing what a mildly educated chimp with a pen and a piece of paper could have done. Another draft note: I thoroughly enjoyed this back and forth between ESPN correspondent Jim Gray and Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchack:
Jim Gray: So tell me about your meeting with Kobe Bryant last Friday.
Mitch Kupchack: We did confirm that we had a meeting with Kobe and that it took place last week.
Astute analysis and breakdown, guys, way to divulge pertinent and insightful information. This is the kind of riveting, intelligent conversation that reaches out of the TV set and grabs casual viewers as they flip past ESPN. The only redeeming quality of the whole interview was that both Gray and Kupchack tried to sell hard on the fact that they were actually doing something other than wasting their and our time in a major way. The NBA, it’s FAAAAAAANNNNNN-tastic.
- Never let doing a sucky job that your constituents disapprove of at a record level stop you from voting yourself a hefty pay increase, that’s what I always say. The U.S. House of Representatives agrees with me, and that’s why these tools have voted, by a 244-181 margin, to give themselves a $4,400 pay raise. The so-called cost-of-living increase puts the representatives back on track for automatic pay raises after a fight by Republicans and Democrats had originally killed the pay hike scheduled for this year. An all-time low approval rating for the House’s performance didn’t deter the increase, and I must say it was a nice touch for 181 of the reps to toss in a vote against for appearance’s sake. I know you all think you deserve a raise, even though you don’t, but you also realize that it would look bad to vote unanimously on this. Also, it was great to see you all take time out from debating other less important issues, like the war in Iraq and immigration, to vote for a raise for yourselves, because we all know congressional representatives are far too selfless and never take time to think of themselves first, last and always. Hats off for a great effort, House of Representatives!
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