- If I offered you the chance to read a thousand words or so with no Paris Hilton news whatsoever, is that something you’d be interested in? Thought so…….
- I’d really like to know what an NBA player accomplishes by announcing now, June 2007, that he will opt out of his contract after next season, June 2008. I say this because one of my favorite cats in the NBA, Gilbert Arenas, a.k.a. Agent Zero, announced today that at the end of next season he’s opting out of his contract with the Washington Wizards to become a free agent. Keep in mind that he’s under contract to play for the Wiz next season and isn't saying anything is going to change with that, he’s just letting everyone know that come next offseason, he’ll be a free agent. Super, Gil, but why should I care now? If this is some sort of power play attempt to get the Wiz to renegotiate your contract or to get them to trade you, then tell them you’re opting out. There’s no need to share it with the rest of us, because there’s not a friggin’ thing any of us can do about it. If you’re going to make that kind of announcement, wait until you’re actually close to opting out instead of being a whole year away. Now, if you blow out your knee or suffer a career-threatening injury next season, you’re damaged goods and your future rests with a team you’ve already stated a desire to leave because it’s “just business.” After I finish conducting my seminar for intelligence-deprived criminals to help keep them out of jail and to help them craft better criminal plots, I may need to get working on a seminar for athletes, something along the lines of “Contract Negotiation Strategies for Idiots.” Don’t worry, Agent Zero, I’m here to help……..
- Some things just go together, like peanut butter and jelly, root beer and ice cream…….and athletes and tasers. It’s just not a week in sports unless a drunken, belligerent or angry athlete has a run-in with the cops and ends up on the wrong end of a taser blast. This week’s recipient of several thousand volts of electricity from the police is Denver Nuggets forward DerMarr Johnson. Johnson was charged with resisting arrest and interfering with police during a disturbance outside a nightclub. Police said they used a taser to calm the 6-foot-9 player. His attorney (always nice when you are in position where you have to keep an attorney around to speak on your behalf) says Johnson was trying to break up a fight between two women who were also arrested and booked on similar charges. Two points: 1) Why are you trying to break up a chick fight? Dude, that’s the first rule of conduct for guys, if two women want to go at it, you don’t break it up, you crack open an icy cold beverage, sit back and enjoy the show, and 2) Yeah, I’m sure all you were doing was trying to act as a peacemaker, because the cops usually taser people for that. Either that or you got way too geeked up and refused to listen to orders from the cops when they arrived on the scene, leaving them no choice but to taser you. Next time, listen to the police when they tell you to put your hands behind your back and get down on the ground, D., it’s for your own good.
- Nearly every successful, egotistical musician who has ever picked up a mic or a guitar has harbored a desire to go solo at some point. They all think they have what it takes to make it on their own and want to step out of the shadow of their band or group and show that they’re the true talent in the band. Many times, though, that perception fails to become reality when that individual does strike out on their own and releases a solo album. Take Audioslave frontman Chris Cornell as an example of this phenomenon. Cornell has been a part of hugely successful rock acts including Audioslave and Soundgarden and was one of the influences that, at least indirectly, led to the formation of Pearl Jam. Now, Cornell has released a solo album and the response to the new project is lukewarm at best. Carry On is being hailed as underwhelming, boring and a host of other negative adjectives. It features power ballads like Safe and Sound, a heavily acoustic track in Ghosts and a soft, psychedelic tune called Scar on the Sky, none of which reach out of the speakers and grab your attention. There are songs such as Carry On and No Such Thing, which evoke sounds from Soundgarden and Audioslave, respectively, so fans of Cornell’s work with those two bands will enjoy at least part of this album. But overall, Cornell does little but contribute another piece of evidence for those who argue that artists who go solo rarely enjoy the same success they had with their former bands.
- In a great scene from Ocean’s Eleven, Rusty (Brad Pitt) and Danny (George Clooney) are reminded that even if they successfully rob a Vegas casino and make it out of the building with the money, they’re still in the middle of the f’ing desert. Breaking out of prison in Montana is as close to an equivalent experience as I can think of, because even after you successfully make it out of the prison, you’re still in the middle of f’ing Montana, which means you’re as in the middle of nowhere as you can possibly be. By their nature, prisons are typically in more rural, remote places so as to isolate inmates and not place these dangerous individuals near large metropolitan areas. How much more true is that in Montana, where there really aren’t any large metropolitan areas to speak of? Thus, I look on with bemusement as two inmates who escaped from the Montana State Prison (honestly, you should really only need one prison for that state, because the population can’t be anywhere north of 500,000, including livestock) try to evade capture. These two masterminds jumped the fence at the prison and are still on the loose. One of them was in prison on a sentence he received for his part in a plot to kidnap David Letterman’s son, so I’m guessing there’s going to be some type of Top 10 list on reasons escaping a Montana prison is a bad idea on an episode of The Late Show this week…….but I digress. The inmate who once tried to kidnap Letterman’s son was working at the prison ranch and apparently used his position there to facilitate the escape for him and his buddy. Personally, I think the authorities in Montana might be wise to not even bother looking for these guys - just wait for a grizzly bear to eat them. It’s bound to happen sooner or later, just let nature take its course, frontier justice and what not.
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