- A question for Detroit: How does it feel to be Cleveland’s b*tch? That’s what Detroit is right now, what with the Cavaliers and Indians tearing through the Pistons and Tigers, respectively, like Sherman burning his way through Atlanta. The Cavs have stepped right on the Pistons’ throats for three straight games to take a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference finals, including ripping Detroit’s heart out in the double-overtime win in the Pistons’ own house on Thursday. Then there are the Indians, who have taken their first five games with the Tigers this season, including twice rallying from four-run deficits in Friday night’s game at Jacobs Field, including a five-run ninth inning to claim a 12-11 victory and push 4 ½ games ahead of the Tigers in the AL Central. While C-Town is at it, they might as well march into downtown Detroit, plant a flag in front of city hall and declare Detroit to now be Cleveland North, ruled by martial law. I can't remember any one city having its teams administer a collective beatdown over another city’s team for two consecutive weekends the way Cleveland is right now. Maybe no Cleveland professional sports franchise has won a title since 1964, but right now it’s looking like that could change in either the NBA Finals or in the World Series this fall.
- The leaders of the Pakistani government should be ashamed of themselves. In the quintessential example of The Man holding you down, the dictatorial, overbearing leaders of Pakistan decided that the only way to deal with the increasing level of criticism and dissatisfaction for President Pervez Musharraf’s performance was to ban all demonstrations in the capital city of Islamabad. Yeah, that’s the way to go, if you don’t like what a certain group of people are saying and what they stand for, just ban them from holding any sort of gathering to voice their dissatisfaction. The main reason for the recent outcry against Musharraf is his decision to suspend the chief justice of the country’s highest court, a decision that sent Musharraf’s opponents into a rage. But hey, nothing calms and soothes angry dissidents like restricting their right to assemble and speak out against the person they oppose! I’m sure this decision to ban protests on Friday won't at all upset these opposition groups any further. Either that or they’ll be burning Musharraf in effigy by the end of next week and publicly demanding his registration, one or the other. So a big wag of the finger and a “Job Poorly Done” salute to Musharraf and his administration for their shameful suppression of free speech and the right to assemble, all of you officially suck.
- Graduation ceremonies - be it high school or college - can be interminably long, they can be boring, they can be annoying and when they take place in the spring or late summer, they can be unbearably hot. One universal annoyance at these events is the noisy, raucous families of certain graduates who generally act like a bunch or drunken baboons clamoring for their food when their graduate’s name is called. Whereas most people would just cheer normally or clap for their graduate, these tools go haywire and make themselves into a spectacle. Galesburg High School in Galesburg, Ill. thought they had the perfect solution to this problem. After last year’s ceremony, which was marred by all manner of noisemakers, including air horns, the school enacted a no-cheering policy during graduation, meaning any graduate whose family or friends caused what the school’s administrators deemed a significant disturbance during the ceremony would not receive their diploma. Students and their families were even forced to sign a pledge to that effect prior to graduation if the student wished to take part in the ceremony. Well, it turns out that five graduates will not be receiving the physical copy of their diploma because their family members in attendance did not abide by the rule. They’re still graduates, they just don’t have the actual diploma. Based on what I’ve said so far, you’re probably thinking I’m going to say that’s how it should be, and I would…….were the school not being a huge bunch of morons. Cheering for your graduate is part of the ceremony, part of the experience and taking that away is asinine. Should you ban all form of noisemakers? Yes. Should you ban whistling and similar sounds? Yes. But if a family wants to clap and briefly, respectfully cheer for their grad, you should let them. You shouldn’t legislate emotion out of one of the most emotional experiences in a person’s life. The school does offer the penalized grads a chance to earn their diploma, albeit through conscripted servitude. If they wish to have their diploma, the individuals must complete eight hours of “public service work” that could include answering phones at the school, sorting books or doing other assorted chores for the school district. Way to squeeze some forced labor out of the deal, Galesburg Local Schools. Oh, and one final thought: What’s to keep people who don’t like a particular grad, his or her enemies, rivals, whatever, from attending the ceremony and purposely cheering loudly when that student is receiving their diploma, thus costing the person they dislike that diploma? Something to consider with your stupid, punitive and idiotic rule, Galesburg administrators………
- Normally the candy of choice for potheads is Sour Patch Kids, or so I thought. Apparently Jawbreaker candies also make for a nice combo with your weed. That much is clear after two men hauling more than 40,000 pounds of Jawbreakers on a highway near St. Paul were stopped by police, who used drug-sniffing dogs to discover 1 ½ tons of hippie lettuce in the cargo area of the big rig the men were driving. The 41 boxes of the chronic were surrounded by 28 pallets of Jawbreakers, but the fruity, sugary sweet smells of strawberry, mango, orange, lemon and lime candy weren't enough to throw the dogs off the scent of the drugs. The candy has been confiscated along with the weed, and don’t be surprised if within a few weeks the DEA office in Minnesota also feels the need to pull over and confiscate the contents of a semi-truck hauling pallets of Cheetos and Funjuns as well………….
- Flat-out awesome. I can’t think of a better phrase to describe how I felt today when the news came down that New York Yankees mercenary/pitcher Roger “Pocket Rocket” Clemens has been scratched from his scheduled start Monday due to a groin injury. Honestly, who knew that this guy had anything of substance between his legs anyhow? But seriously, how great is it that the guy the Yankees are paying $4.5 million a month to try and save their crappy team from its disappointing season is hurt before he can even throw one pitch for them? And of course, this announcement came right about the time the Yankees were dropping an 11-6 decision to the archrival Boston Red Sox, putting them 14 ½ games behind the Sox in the AL East standings. A tweaked groin isn't quite the catastrophic, career-ending injury I’d hoped would befall Clemens, but it’s a nice starter injury and there’s plenty of time for his aged, steroid-fueled (umm, allegedly, of course) body to sustain a major boo-boo. Here’s to you, Roger and you, Yankees, for getting the kind of karmic payback you so richly deserve.
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