- Sports teams are always looking for ways to create and maintain camaraderie among players. Having a tight-knit, unified team is a key part of having overall success on the field. In that vein, the Washington Redskins set up a team activity for defensive players: paintball. Get out in the woods, have some competitive fun, work together and build cooperation, right? Either that, or you’ll end up having your first-round draft pick drilled in the groin with a paintball pellet. Defensive back and top draft pick LaRon Landry was shot in the junk with a paintball pellet at a team-building exercise over the weekend and actually had to sit out the next day’s practice because of the incident. But I’m sure this will do wonders for team chemistry, because nothing brings teammates together faster than one teammate shooting another teammate in the package with a paintball pellet. Guys love nothing more than sitting around, laughing and joking about the time they inflicted painful, embarrassing and severe pain on each other with a paintball gun. Maybe the ‘Skins should limit team activities to things like going to the movies, going bowling and playing cards, all of which substantially lessen the chances that one of the players will be forced to miss practice with a paintball-inflicted groin injury.
- There are situations where you hate to see two people resort to suing each other and pressing charges against one another, and this is one of those situations. Actress Kristy Swanson was arrested over the weekend after allegedly assaulting Marcia O’Brien, the ex-wife of Swanson’s current gentleman friend, Lloyd Eisler. Swanson and Eisler met while appearing on the reality series Skating with the (Not Really) Stars, which on a side note makes this whole incident another piece of evidence as to why reality shows are such a blight on society. But I digress…...immediately after her release, Swanson turned around and slapped (in the legal sense this time) O’Brien with assault charges in retaliation. Right now it’s not clear who assaulted who, how this all started and who is to blame, but what is clear is that Swanson and O’Brien got into a brawl and both got beaten up. In light of this, I really think that the best possible solution isn't lawsuits or assault charges, but rather to make a critical choice: mud or Jell-O. Let’s face it, Swanson is hot, and while I haven't seen many close ups of M. O’Brien, she doesn’t appear to be too bad off, looks-wise, herself. We also know these two like to fight one another, so I’m proposing we drop them in a pit of mud or Jell-O, their choice, and whoever wins the match is vindicated here. While we’re at it, maybe even sell tickets and donate the money to a children’s charity, so in the end everyone wins. That’s me, making the world a better place for everyone, one Jell-O wrestling match at a time.
- There may be a less-than-zero-percent chance that I’d ever consider voting for Dennis Kucinich in the presidential election. There’s even less of a chance that he’s getting anywhere near that election, because D. Kucinich isn't even one of the top five candidates for his own party’s nomination. However, I’m totally behind him on one issue, that issue being Kucinich’s push to start an “Impeach Dick Cheney” movement. I’ve been campaigning for the impeachment of W. and any other impeachable figure in his administration for months now, so I’m throwing my support fully behind this effort by Kucinich. Other than displaying an astonishing talent for mistaking fellow hunters as birds and blasting them in the face with a shotgun, D. Cheney hasn’t really contributed much to the country during his time in office. Of course, it is a sliding scale and compared to W., Cheney has been Winston Churchill, JFK, Martin Luther King and FDR all rolled into one, but on an objective basis, he’s been a complete and total waste of time as vice president. Kucinich may have no shot at getting elected, but that doesn’t mean his idea doesn’t have merit. Every other candidate should embrace it and throw their support behind it as well, because if we band together, in the true American spirit, we can push for something that will better our country today: the double-impeachment of W. and Cheney. Don’t just sit there, America, make it happen!
- Even for someone as anti-establishment and anti-authority as me, there are just times when you have to stand up and cheer the work of law enforcement (and yes, it does pain me to say that). Breaking up an international pedophile ring would be just such an occasion, especially when that bust nabs more than 700 sick frrrrrrrrrrreaks worldwide who frequented an Internet chat room where these perverts shared videos of young children being raped and sexually assaulted. The team of international investigators who infiltrated the chat room are from the United States, Britain, Canada and Australia, while the scores of suspects are from a plethora of nations. The chat room, known as “Kids the Light of Our Lives,” featured all sorts of freakeration, including videos and images, some of them showing children who were only a few months old. The breakthrough was announced in England, where the investigation was based. I actually feel really revolted and dirty even talking about this, so let’s all just agree to root for the capture and stringent, vindictive prosecution of every one of the suspects in this case and then move on to…….
- Good news and bad news for all you fellow Beatles fans out there. Drummer Ringo Starr has signed a deal to release all of his solo material for online availability, meaning you can now purchase (or illegally download) tracks from 1970’s Beacoups of Blues, 1973’s Ringo and a best-of compilation album with tracks such as It Don’t Come Easy and Sentimental Journey. The bad news is that as of now, there is still no deal in place to make the Beatles’ collective musical efforts available online, although EMI promises that it is working hard to make that happen. Thus, for the time being you’ll have to keep ripping tunes from borrowed CD’s from friends or the local library or illegally downloading them, er, um, I mean you’ll have to keep buying Beatles albums and getting your digital copies from the ALBUMS YOU PURCHASE LEGALLY. Hmm, wonder if typing that last sentence in all caps threw off the anti-piracy police from the fact that I
obtain virtually all of my music, Beatles and otherwise, through pirate-like means………..
- The saga of the crashing, sinking cruise ship that hit the Greek isle of Santorini has come to a close, with the owners, operator and captain of the ship being fined $1.57 million for polluting the Aegean Sea. That’s actually a small price to pay considering these ass clowns ran their ship aground and spilled more than 300 tons of fuel into the sea and forced the emergency rescue of 1,600 passengers. Two French tourists who were on the ship are still missing and are presumed to have drowned, so paying a $1.57 million fine is probably about half of what those responsible deserve to pay. Let this be another lesson to all of you considering a cruise for your vacation, honeymoon or anniversary. Save your money and put it toward a plane ticket, because your chances of dying on contracting a virus of food-borne illness are many times lower on a plane than they are on the floating death trap known as a cruise ship.
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