- Don’t you hate it when a pesky detail like the law gets in the way of a great business plan? I know I do, and that’s why I’m so upset about what is happening to former NFL player John Robert Buck Buczkowsi, whose unspectacular career with the Raiders and Browns was only a prelude to a spectacular post-NFL existence. Buczkowsi has plead guilty to helping his girlfriend, Amy Shifano, run drug and prostitution business out of his parents’ home, resulting in convictions on charges that include two counts of promoting prostitution, six counts of possessing and dealing cocaine, and one count each of participating in a corrupt organization, conspiracy, dealing in the proceeds of an illegal activity and illegal use of a cell phone. Honestly, I think that aside from the whole illegal aspect of all of this, Buczkowsi and Shifano had a stellar business plan in place. Just as some larger department stores have started dropping auto care garages in their stores so you can have your oil changed while you shop and some grocery stores now have branches of local banks inside the store to combine your banking and shopping needs, Buczkowsi and Shifano were merely looking to combine two products/services that people like to mix: hookers and cocaine. How many times have you heard of someone who wanted to rent a hooker for an hour but didn’t have time to get their freak on with the hooker and score some quality toot? It just makes sense to combine the two and offer customers the chance to purchase both cocaine and a hooker in a combo deal. Plus, Buczkowsi not only involved his girlfriend in this, but by running the business out of his parents’ home, he made it a family affair, and how refreshing is it in this age of families all going their separate ways and never spending time together to see parents and their child engage in illegal, illicit activity together? Can we at least make sure that these great Americans get to share a jail cell once they are shipped off to prison? Sometimes I just feel like law enforcement in this country just doesn’t get it at all, prosecuting people like this for trying to live their version of the American dream……..
- This would be the ultimate case of a miscarriage of justice. Mississippi Braves (the AA affiliate of the Atlanta Braves) manager Phillip Wellman’s hilarious theatrics are now well-known thanks to ESPN, YouTube and other like-minded sources. If you somehow haven't seen this absolute gem of a managerial tantrum, here’s the gist: in protesting a call, Wellman covers home plate in dirt, then traces its outline with his fingers, picks up second and third bases and throws them across the field, makes some sort of weird, Dr. Evil-esque gesture to the umpires, army-crawls from near second base to the pitcher’s mound, picks up the resin bag and heaves it at the home-plate umpire like a grenade and then exits the field through the outfield fence opening, blowing kisses to the crowd as he leaves. Wellman has received a three-game suspension and a rebuke from the Braves for his act, both of which seem way out of line. We shouldn’t be chastising this guy for what he did, we should be celebrating him and his flair for the dramatic. Also, some critics have criticized Wellman’s antics as too scripted, too over-the-top and an example of what’s wrong with baseball, but these people are idiots, plain and simple. If you can't get behind a guy going Billy Martin/Lou Pinella/petulent 5-year-old on the field and lobbing the resin bag like a hand grenade, then you’re just too serious for your own good. I don’t care if Wellman planned out the parts of his tantrum like a dance routine; he injected life and energy into a minor league baseball game that was in all likelihood pretty mundane, and those great visuals he gave us are part of what makes it fun to be a baseball fan. A good managerial tantrum is as fundamental a part of the baseball experience as the seventh-inning stretch, the ump yelling "Play Ball!" or having a beer and hot dog in the bleachers on a sunny summer afternoon.
- All you tech junkies, degenerates and addicts can relax now, because Apple has finally announced the official date when its new iPhone will become available to the general public: June 29. Commercials have already begun airing for the multi-purpose gadget, which contains phone, media player and wireless web functions and will cost between $499 and $599. It will be available through only one carrier, AT&T Inc.’s wireless division, formerly known as Cingular. The iPhone doesn’t have a keypad, as other devices like the Blackberry and Sidekick do, but instead a touch-sensitive screen. I’m excited to see one up close, but I still think that this product comes as a bit of a double-edged sword. It’s great if you can afford it and it’ll be an invaluable tool for a lot of people, but with so many functions (phone, address book, music player, web device, etc.) you’re screwed about a dozen times over if you lose it, as opposed to just being screwed once or twice over if you lose a more conventional cell phone. Ultimately, your best move is waiting until the iPhone goes more mainstream, at which point the inevitable dip in price that befalls all technology as time passes will set in and you’ll probably be able to pick up an iPhone for $100-$150 less than you’ll pay if you buy one right away.
- If there’s something I love as much as a good riot story or a quality cruise ship disaster news bit, it’s a congressional bribery scandal. While everyone already assumes that most politicians are corrupt and dishonest, individuals like Rep. William Jefferson, D-La., don’t come along nearly often enough. Jefferson, 60, was reelected last year despite the probe that ultimately led to his indictment on Monday on charges including racketeering, soliciting bribes, wire fraud, money laundering, obstruction of justice and conspiracy. Take a minute and read those again. Those are six big-time charges, and any average felon would be ecstatic to score two or three of those. Jefferson faces those six charges and 16 in all, making him the kind of leader by example that should inspire would-be criminals for decades to come. The charges stem from a series of scams in which Jefferson allegedly received more than $500,000 in bribes and sought millions more by using his congressional office to broker business deals in Africa. The indictment came more than two years after police raided his home in Washington and found $90,000 in cash stuffed into his freezer, never a good sign. I like to keep my illegally obtained cash from briberies, robberies, etc. in the butter tray, never in the freezer, because that’s the first place the cops are gonna look. Jefferson is also a pioneer of sorts, becoming the first U.S. official charged under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, which prohibits corporate bribery abroad. Prosecutors have labeled the schemes Jefferson ran as complicated, with the congressman setting up front companies to hide the incoming money and disperse it to family members. Who is this guy, anyhow, a senior citizen serving in Congress or Jimmy Hoffa? House Republican Leader John Boehner has called for Jefferson’s expulsion from Congress if he is convicted on the charges, while House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is expected to push for Jefferson to be stripped of his seat on the Small Business Committee. "If these charges are proven true, they represent an egregious and unacceptable abuse of public trust and power," Pelosi proclaimed. I don’t know, Nancy, isn't this guy’s entrepreneurial small business gusto the kind of expertise that should make him more qualified to serve on the Small Business Committee? And isn’t Boehner’s claim also erroneous, because what is Congress if not a haven for corrupt, dishonest, self-serving criminals who are always looking for ways to line their own pockets? In baseball, people use the term "Manny being Manny" to explain the enigmatic, offbeat actions of Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez. Well, I’d have to say that this scandal isn't anything other than "Congress being Congress."
- Still recommending that everyone tune in this Wednesday at 10 p.m. for Traveler on ABC for a show that is a mere two episodes in and thus still a good opportunity for you to jump in early on in a show that, unlike most of ABC’s other programming, is actually watchable. Some of you might have missed last week’s episode because it had been nearly three weeks since the "special viewing" of the pilot episode was shown and because last week was the first time Traveler aired in its new Wednesday at 10 p.m. time slot, but mark it down and watch this week because so far, the show continues to improve and with the abysmal wasteland summer TV is in terms of good shows, this one will at least make it worthwhile to own a television between the end of May and the start of new episodes of your usual favorites in August or September.
- I’ll say this one time and then refrain from mentioning the topic for a while, but every news outlet that’s covering the Paris Hilton four-week jail stint like it’s the frakkin’ Iran hostage crisis or Nelson Mandela’s wrongful imprisonment for fighting apartheid should be clubbed in the head with a giant garden shovel repeatedly until unconscious. It’s jail, folks, it’s not a maximum-security prison where P. Hilton is with death row inmates and in serious danger. Just because the biggest skank in the Western Hemisphere is crying and sniveling about her sentence like she’s being shipped off to Alcatraz for the rest of her life doesn’t mean that the rest of us should give a crap. I know it’s stunning and shocking when a rich, famous person actually gets the short end of the judicial stick and has to be punished for a crime he or she committed, but the daily updates on this situation are absurdly idiotic and pointless.
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