A warning for men, a riot for the Turks and a barbecue grill injury for the Chicago Cubs

- The 2007 season hasn’t gone as expected for the Chicago Cubs. The team handed out $300 million worth of contracts in the offseason to sparkly, shiny free agent stars like Alfonso Soriano, but the Cubbies currently sit at 10-13 and are tied for last place in the NL Central. So it didn’t help matters when one of the team’s most effective relief pitchers, right-hander Bob Howry, decided to go World’s Strongest Man on his barbecue grill and injured his back in the process. Howry was looking to move his grill from one spot to another on his back porch, but he didn’t want the hassle of removing the grill’s cover so he could roll it on the wheels attached at the bottom of the unit. Instead, he tried to dead lift the grill and wrenched his back, making him unavailable to pitch for the Cubs over the weekend. Look Bob, I don’t care how many WSM reruns you watch and how many kegs, cast iron stoves and giant metal spheres you see Magnus Von Vernormansson of Sweden toss around, you are not a roided-up strongman, you’re a relief pitcher. Take the extra minute to remove the grill cover so you can use the wheels and roll the thing where you need it. If something is big and unwieldy enough that they stick wheels on it, you need to use them. Keep this in mind so I don’t hear about you being lost for the season because you tried to bench press a treadmill or washing machine and ended up in traction, my man.

- Something’s been lacking in my political world lately, and I’ve finally put my finger on it: a large-scale protest/social disturbance combo. Thankfully Turkish citizens have come to the rescue, with more than 700,000 of them taking to the streets in Istanbul to demand the resignation of the current administration. First, major points to the Turks for aiming high; demanding the resignation of your entire government takes testicular fortitude, so that’s a good start. The protestors believe that the strong Islamic leanings of the current rulers in the country are seriously threatening Turkey’s modern foundations. Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan is a main target of both the protestors and Turkey’s secular military because they believe he is too tolerant of radical Islamic factions. One protestor, a retired government employee named Ahmet Yurdakul, explained it thusly: “They want to drag Turkey back into the dark ages.” In that case, Turkey’s leaders should join up with Vladimir Putin, who seems poised to do the same thing to Russia. That’s in stark contrast to the United States, where our leader doesn’t want to drag us back into the dark ages, he’s simply in the dark. The rally in Turkey took place one day after Erdogan’s administration’s rejection of the military’s warning about the country’s disputed presidential election and called it interference that is unacceptable in a democracy. Ah, the joy of unilateral rule and an overbearing fascist in power, nothing quite like it. However, if you’ve pissed off your citizens to the extent that nearly three-quarters of a million of them are willing to turn out for a protest, it’s time to reconsider how you are ruling your nation, Mr. Erdogan. The Turkish protestors do lose points for failure to riot (burn cars, loot, pillage, etc.) and to physically clash with police, but overall not a bad effort, I’ll grade it a solid B+.

- There used to be 8,744 reasons to avoid eating Taco Bell food for any reason, and now there are only 8,743 reasons. Seems the fast food giant has decided to cease using trans fats, which are notoriously unhealthy for your arteries and circulatory system, and move toward “healthier” alternatives like canola and soybean oils. While I do applaud the Bell and any other restaurant that tries to improve the health value of its foods, don’t expect me to be munching on any bean burritos or chili cheese burritos any time soon. Trans fats or not, Taco Bell food is still the most questionable food-like item on the market today, because even without the trans fats I’m not sure what half of those substances in your average TB item are. I know what they’re supposed to be - beef, chicken, beans, unidentifiable gelatinous goo with a reddish hue - but I’m just not sure that’s what all of those things actually are. For the well being of my digestive system and vital organs, I’m going to keep on avoiding any meals at Taco Bell. I do have to ask what sense it makes for Taco Bell to make its food healthier, though, because are the people who regularly eat there really the type who are extremely concerned about the nutritional value of their food? I’m gonna answer a firm no on that one.

- This just in…..Larry King can't even sit through a movie….he’s supposed to review movies…..it’s a part of his job….along with…..typing short bursts of words…..followed by a series of small dots….but he’s unable….to make it through….a whole movie. Even after being criticized for the practice…..of making phone calls…..during movies he’s supposed to review…..King persists in doing so…..and when his wife went to a movie screening with him recently…..she did the same thing. Also, King left before the movie ended……but he told a friend….to let him know….how the movie ended. Ok, those dots are driving me nuts, now I remember why I make it a point of not ever reading Larry King. But is it too much to ask that when part of your job is sitting on your butt, watching movies and then telling people what you think, that you stay for the entire movie? If it’s late and you need to go home and get to bed because you’re old, then step aside and allow someone who can stay up past 9:30 to review the movie instead. Should you find the movie dull or uninteresting, then watch the whole thing anyhow and then eviscerate it in your review. I don’t see Peter King leaving NFL games in the third quarter and telling someone to let him know how it ended, nor do I see Buster Olney skipping out in the sixth inning of baseball games and then trying to give me his opinion on the whole game. Get it together, Larry, it’s really not that taxing to spend two hours watching a movie….anyone over the age of ten……can do it….

- Warning time for all guys out there: You’re going to want to make sure that you find something to do the next two nights that will provide a valid excuse not to go with your wife, fiancé or girlfriend when she tries to drag you to the theater to see the special two-night revival of Dirty Dancing. To celebrate the über-chick flick’s 20th anniversary, select theaters nationwide will be showing the film on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and if you’re a guy with any sort of self-esteem and manliness quotient, you’ll do everything you can to keep from going to see it. Reliving a couple of the most painful hours of your life (if you’ve seen it before) through awful ‘80s music, terrible dialogue, subpar acting and the sight of a dude in tights is definitely on the list of ten worst things to experience in life. Even if your significant other demands you go see this movie in exchange for her agreeing to go see action favorite Spiderman 3 when it comes out on Friday, hold out. Better to go see the web-slinging warrior by yourself than to be subjected to the torture of seeing Patrick Swayze butcher dialogue that your average fourth-grader could write.

- Apparently the fighting German spirit no longer exists, not if you take a look at the underwhelming, white flag-waving comments made by Dallas Mavericks’ forward Dirk Nowitzki before arguably the biggest game of his team’s season to this point. Facing a 2-1 series deficit in the best-of-seven opening round of the NBA playoffs, Nowitzki astonishingly admitted that if his team, sporting a top seed and the best regular-season record in the NBA, lost Game 4 that their season was pretty much over. I don’t see how a guy who is his team’s undisputed leader and the overwhelming favorite to win the MVP award says something like that, but the sneering German import did just that. Nothing like throwing in the towel before a crucial game, when your team needs you to lead and inspire it. What says confidence in your teammates more than conceding defeat when a series isn't even over? Are we sure that Dirk is German and not French, because surrender is something the latter group tends to specialize in when conflict comes. The Mavericks did lose the game in question, but even down 3-1 they still have a chance to win the series by taking the next three games, two of them on their home court. But if you believe Dirk, there’s no need to play those games because the series is already over anyhow. The NBA, it’s quit-tastic.

Why W. doesn't understand success, why B. Spears isn't fooling anyone and why Pam Anderson is something of a Houdini

- I smell a winner, folks! Remember that elusive concept of victory in Iraq? Well, it appears that the W. administration really doesn’t have any idea what victory and success actually mean. In a sample of eight rebuilding projects for Iraq that had been declared successes by the worst presidential administration in American history, inspectors for a federal oversight agency have found that seven of the eight sampled projects were no longer operating due to plumbing and electrical failures, lack of proper maintenance, looting and equipment that is simply sitting around unused. These are the successes people, the projects that have supposedly been completed and are working properly. So the Bush administration wants us to believe that it is capable of judging when we’ve won the battle in Iraq and when success has been achieved and this is the evidence they have of their competence? If outright, abysmal failures are considered successes by these bozos, then what conclusions can be drawn about the overall status of the war when those in charge are willing to admit that it isn't going well? I’ve been advocating the impeachment of W. for months now, but it may be time to change my tune and call for the institution of a new procedure under which not only is the president impeached, but every single person in his administration is impeached as well. For the duration of W.’s term, just govern by a strategy that has to be more effective than what we’ve been getting, a strategy I like to call “Rock, paper, scissors: International Political Edition.”

- Boy, the Democratic presidential candidates didn’t even have to think for this one, bonus! In discussing the current debacle in Iraq at the California state Democratic weekend, the Democratic hopefuls for the 2008 nomination took their respective shots at our intelligence-depraved leader W. and made promises about how they would end the Mess-O’-Potamia. Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hank Clinton both weighed in, with Obama stating that he will “turn the page on the Iraq disaster” if elected (Sold! Can we forego the campaign BS and elect him now?), and Hank Clinton calling W.’s act “one of the darkest blots on leadership we’ve ever had.” What, you mean worse than that infamous blot your husband Bubba left on Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress? Sorry Hank, but you know you’re a thoroughly unlikable candidate if you can rip W. like that and denounce the war but still have me despising you. Being asked to weigh in on the war has to be the easiest question for any potential Democratic candidate right now, they don’t even need to consult their “Idiot’s Guide to Campaigning” or huddle up with their team of advisors for that one. If you can't figure out a way to lambaste the fiasco in Iraq in a campaign speech, you’re not qualified to operate a can opener, let alone be our next president.

- The NFL Draft is over, and as much as I loved the festivities, one thing I am eternally grateful for is that I won't have to see those Coors light fake press conference commercials with old NFL coaches anymore. If you watched even one hour of the draft, you know what I’m talking about because you saw at least four or five installments of those ads, featuring ex-NFL coaches like Bill Walsh, Dick Vermeil and Mike Ditka. I actually liked these commercials, which feature “average fan” characters in press conferences, asking silly questions to which the coaches respond with answers that are football-related and serious, but are humorous when juxtaposed against the questions from the fans. I use the past tense in saying I liked them, because this weekend, they were run into the ground to the extent that I now loathe them. Funny is only funny so many times in a short span, then it becomes downright annoying. Coors Light would have been smart to, I don’t know, mix it up and show commercials other than the ones from this particular series, because if I were a big beer drinker, I would specifically buy any other brand right now out of spite. Yeah, you’re trying to appeal to football fans with these ads, but believe it or not, football fans can also enjoy commercials that feature other themes. Just sayin’………………

- Pamela Anderson has always been a magician, it’s just that now she’s being officially cast for a role in a magic show. This is the woman who has introduced the amazing appearing career via taking her clothes off, the magical instant DD-cup boobs, the disappearing/reappearing/disappearing again marriage and the magical ability to appear in not one, but two of the worst “action” series in TV history (V.I.P. and Baywatch for those of you keeping track). Now, Pammy will be featured in the new Las Vegas show The Beauty of Magic after Carmen Electra pulled out of the gig. Well if a talented, accomplished actress like Carmen was originally in the role, you know it’s a good one. The show begins June 2 at the Planet Hollywood casino, and although Anderson’s role has yet to be defined, I’ll go out on a limb and say it involves her wearing very little clothing and doesn’t rely heavily on her ability to do dialogue. Stick to your strengths, Pam, use your two biggest assets (and I do mean big) and you’ll be fine. This should be the first-ever magic show in Vegas to attract an all male audience between the ages of 18-49, that’s for sure.

- Britney Spears is pulling a page out of the New Kids on the Block playbook, and I think we can all agree that if you’re going that route, you’ve got serious problems. The teeny bopper, dancing-in-unison, matching-outfit-wearing original man banders of New Kids on the Block ran through their 15 minutes of fame in the ‘90s and went away for a while, only to attempt a comeback by “fooling” people through a name change to N.K.O.T.B. Yeah, that was a clever one, no one was going to realize who they actually were. Spears is trying the same tactic, desperately attempting to revive her death-spiraling career by performing a series of California gigs under the name M+Ms. The idea of M+Ms. is Spears and a few backup dancers, who are hopefully all female because I think everyone knows what happened with a certain male backup dancer and Spears……..but I digress. Sorry, Brit, but just as Pauly Shore could change his name to Marlon Brando Hoffman and still be the worst actor in the history of the world, changing your stage name doesn’t mean you can sing, it doesn’t mean you’re not insane and it doesn’t mean that you’re not still the biggest musical joke this side of American Karaoke. I look for you to be posing in Playboy within the next year or so and running through another marriage or two in the next couple of years, so now is not the time to lose focus and try to pretend that you have any chance of being a legitimate musician.

The real source of steroids in baseball, what Bush administration staffers hire hookers for and a great time capsule prank

- In trying to crack the steroids scandal in Major League Baseball, it appears those investigating have been looking in the wrong place. Questioning players and former players was the wrong choice, because as I’m sure everyone now realizes, it’s the equipment managers and clubhouse assistants who truly wield the power in the world of performances enhancing drug distribution. Don’t believe me? Take the story of former New York Mets clubhouse employee Kirk Radomski as evidence. Radomski has pleaded guilty to distributing performance-enhancing drugs to dozens of major league players between 1995 and 2005, including anabolic steroids, human growth hormone, Clenbuterol, amphetamines and other drugs given to dozens of current and former MLB players. Under the terms of his plea agreement, Radomski faces up to 25 years in prison and $500,000 in fines. Investigators are hopeful that he will be a resource through which they can discover other suppliers and participants in baseball’s steroid market. Actually, if you look at this objectively, a clubhouse attendant being responsible for steroid supplying and distribution makes perfect sense. These guys are gofers for the players, doing everything from picking up their dry cleaning to getting their cars washed. They do the menial tasks for the millionaire athletes, and what’s more of a dirty work task than supplying illegal performance-enhancing drugs? This may not be the place most people expected to crack into the steroid issue, but at this point it doesn’t much matter where the crack in the wall is, investigators need to exploit it and start taking people down wherever they can. Steroids have no place in sports and the more cheaters that can be caught and removed from the game, the better.

- Didn’t know that Mormons loved their guns so much, but I guess they do. As debates kick up about security and safety on college campuses in light of the tragedy at Virginia Tech, resident of Utah are proudly touting their state’s one-of-a-kind law that allows for the carrying of concealed weapons on all college campuses in the state. Utah is the only state with such a law, and citizens and elected officials in Utah are proudly proclaiming the value of this law in their state. Allow me to disagree with you, my Utah homies, because allowing drunken frat boys, jocks with a sub-2.00 GPA and flaky drama majors to come to campus strapped doesn’t seem to make your campus safer, it just seems like a recipe for increased carnage in the occurrence of a shooting. Across the nation, 38 states have laws on the books banning guns in schools and 16 of those states explicitly ban guns on college campuses, but in Utah, it’s textbooks, pens, notebook paper and your pistol apparently. “If the government can't protect you, you should have the right to protect yourself,” claimed Republican state. Sen. Michael Waddoups. Waddouos’ contention that if the government can't protect you, you should be allowed to protect yourself is erroneous. The more guns that are placed in the hands of people who aren't experts at handling them, the more dangerous a campus becomes. If a shooter bursts into a building on a campus in Utah, you’re telling me that a dozen students with minimal firearms training and experience pulling out their guns and shooting is going to make things safer? This isn't the OK Corral, people, it’s college, so maybe hire extra security guards, drop in some metal detectors and mandate regular mental health screenings for students instead of allowing them to carry a concealed weapon to class. More guns isn't the answer to any problem, unless you’re fighting an actual war.

- The NFL Draft is a beast, one of the central events in what is now the most popular professional sport in America. Still, is it too much to ask that the first round of the draft be completed in under six hours? The first round of this year’s draft took six freaking hours and 20 freaking minutes, which is absurd. I know teams are investing tens of millions of dollars in these guys, but if you can't wrap things up in under six hours, maybe you aren't qualified to be making high-pressure decisions and should step aside for someone more qualified. On the upside, it was nice to see the interview with Omar Epps now that he’s presiding over his first draft as head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers? Don’t believe me? Just check out these two photos www.media.scout.com/Media/Image/28/288906.jpg and http://tv.yahoo.com/omar-epps/contributor/30786/photos/1;_ylt=AkW_59Ih80zzvevfz.5V31Ogo9EF and you tell me that isn't the same dude in both of them. I do need to caution Omar/Mike Tomlin that the chin-strap, linear beard is ugly and creepy whether you’re a movie actor or an NFL coach, so maybe get rid of that thing before it kills your chances to star in the next crappy boxing movie Meg Ryan signs to make.

- Times may change, but college students acting like immature goof-offs doesn’t. By the way, I’m not cracking on this phenomenon; it’s a decidedly good thing, because too many people take themselves far too seriously, especially at colleges and universities. So I was glad to read a story about the University of Washington unearthing a time capsule left by the Class of ’57 and finding the normal items such as audio tapes and copies of the 1957 school yearbook and………….a condom a pair of dirty underwear and 1980s-era porn. Yeah, some intrepid prankster found the time capsule placed inside the wall of the university’s Communication Building and slipped in those extra items. Nice to know that there are still college students out there with an Animal House-type spirit.

- Alberto Gonzales must have been starting to feel lonely, hung out to dry as a Bush administration sycophant/official under intense scrutiny for alleged misdeeds and misconduct. Thus Randall Tobias, head of the administration’s foreign aid programs, has stepped in with a scandal of his own to take some of the heat off of Gonzales. Tobias’ name has come up in an investigation of a high-priced call-girl ring in our nation’s capital. Tobias has admitted to calling the Pamela Martin and Associates Skanks for Hire firm (not the official name, of course, but close enough), but he says he only hired escort/skanks to come to his condo and give him massages. Sure, because that’s what most men who hire hookers/escorts do, have them give massages. I assume these were deep tissue, therapeutic massages to help with muscle tightness and back problems Tobias has been experiencing. Either that or massage is a new euphemism for some sort of freaky, kinky sex act that we’re better off not imagining a 65-year-old senior government official taking part in. The fact that Tobias immediately resigned when his name surfaced in conjunction with the investigation doesn’t make him look at all suspicious either, right? This administration is just full of winners and future Mensa members, top to bottom………

Dog fighting rings, bad news on war spending legislation and what we've all been waiting for, the demise of the worst TV show of the last decade

- Mike Vick has already built a checkered reputation for himself, what with the obscene gesture to fans leaving the field after a game last season, taking a bong/designer water bottle through Atlanta airport security and of course, refusing to pose for a picture with me last March when we were on the same late-night flight from the ATL to Newport News, Va. When in possession of a rep like the one Vick has built, here’s one thing you’re going to want to avoid: having the cops raid a house you own in house in Virginia and finding dozens of emaciated and neglected dogs and evidence of a dog fighting ring. To be fair, Vick doesn’t live at the house, but his name is on the deed, so even if it’s his cousin who lives there, M. Vick is going to get dragged into this. Police are funny like that; they tend to be pretty concerned with the legal owner of a property or vehicle when that property or vehicle is involved in criminal activity, regardless of whether the owner is present at the time. Flat out, whoever is responsible for this mess is absolutely reprehensible and should be ashamed. There are many things you can do with dogs - play with them, go hunting with them, use them to fetch things, use them to assist blind people, use them at hospitals to brighten the day of sick patients, etc. - but having them fight one another to the death is not an acceptable option. Neither is refusing to feed them, because dogs kind of rely on humans for food, what with not having opposable thumbs and being able to cook their own meals. Not a lot is asked of pet owners to be honest, and as long as you feed your pet, provide a reasonably clean living space for them and don’t physically abuse them or force them to fight other animals to the death, no one is going to bother you. Vick should learn a lesson from this as well, namely that when your name is on a legal document as the owner of anything, you had better know what’s going on with your personal property.

- Crap. That’s my initial response to the news that the new spending bill for the Iraq war only passed the Senate by a 51-46 vote. Those 51 votes are 16 shy of the two-thirds majority needed to override the impending presidential veto, meaning we’re almost certainly one step closer to Congress conceding in some fashion to W.’s demands for funds to finance his own personal Vietnam and to do so without setting any sort of time table for ending this whole debacle of a war. The veto will mean a removal of the troop-withdrawal language, but Democrats are exploring ways to put pressure on W. and the Iraqi government in order to facilitate American troop withdrawal from the war sooner rather than later. Kudos to White House spokesman Dana Perino for continuing to bury his head in the sand on the matter and declare that, “What the president asked for is for the Congress to give - and for the American people to give - this plan a chance to work.” Umm, D-Man, doesn’t waiting more than three years with no real progress count as “giving it a chance to work”? And in order for us to give the plan a chance to work, doesn’t there need to be some sort of a plan in place? Kinda hard to give a plan a shot when there is no plan and no progress has been made in any particular direction, unless that direction is getting thousands of American soldiers needlessly killed fighting a contrived, presidentially created conflict that should have never even started. Still counting down the days to inauguration of our new president in January 2009, only a few hundred more to go……….

- Baseball fans need a feel-good story right about now, with noted cheat and bitterman Bar-roid Bonds just weeks from breaking the all-time home run record thanks to his years of using beef ‘roids and chlomid. Look no further than the Bronx for that positive story, courtesy of the most overpaid roster of underachievers in professional sports, the New York Yankees. Now if I were paying a group of guys a total of $250 million in salary, I might want something better than an 8-12 record and a last place spot in the AL East in return, but maybe George Steinbrenner is different. You’d assume Big Stein is pissed about his team’s lackluster start, even as everyone outside the Bronx cheers wildly at the failure of the team they love to loathe. The Boss has a history of blow-ups when his Yankees falter, but so far he hasn’t made a single public statement about this season. Perhaps a Mount Vesuvius-like eruption is imminent, but anyone who’s ever had to watch the Yankees rip a high-priced free agent or buy a player that their own team wanted just because of Big Stein’s deep pockets is rejoicing right now and clipping today’s standings out to blow up and post on their wall. Sadly, this trend isn't going to continue the whole season, but oh man if it did……..well, a guy can dream. But the Yankees will find their collective stride and at season’s end, they at least won't be looking up in the standings at the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. For now, enjoy the sight of not one, not two but four teams perched above the hated Yanks in the standings and count the first month of the MLB season as an unequivocal success because of it.

- There are times in life when your opinion just doesn’t matter. For example, perhaps you are the groom-to-be and in planning the wedding, you have concerns over certain details of the big day that your future wife is set on. You can voice your concerns if you want, but ultimately you’re not winning that battle. Another such time would be if you are a Venezuelan citizen who took part in a poll about President Hugo Chavez’s plan to kick an opposition-aligned television station off of the country’s airwaves. Two-thirds of those polled opposed Chavez’s plan, which means two things: 1) when those people mysteriously disappear in the coming weeks and are never heard from again, we’ll know why, and 2) that Chavez will take delight in knowing that his dictatorial, unilateral decree will piss off about two-thirds of his citizens and they can't do a thing about it. The chief lament among those polled is that the decision will infringe upon their right to choose what they watch, a cry that is going to fall on deaf ears. In fact, when Chavez and Vlad Putin meet up at the next Fascist Dictator Summit in a few months, I’m sure they’ll have a good laugh about this one.

- I’d like to know what Miss America’s problem is. Current titleholder Lauren Nelson just doesn’t get what being a beauty queen is all about, because for some reason she is intent on conducting herself with dignity and class and putting her influence behind the noble cause of catching Internet predators of children. Nelson will appear on a special show with America’s Most Wanted host John Walsh showing a series of perverts who responded to online photos of Nelson used to lure predators/sexual deviants who thought they were hooking up with a teenage girl. They showed up, a la To Catch a Predator, and were bagged by the cops. Why can't Nelson take the lead of beauty queens like Tara Conner and her friend, the former Miss Teen USA, and give us some skanky Internet pics, reports of her boozing it up at a club, hooking up with other chicks and acting like a slutty sorority girl? Is it too much to ask that you act as irresponsibly and out of control as possible, L.? What is this world coming to when Miss America has the gall to be noble, poised and classy and to neglect partying nonstop in order to wage a campaign against online sexual predators? This is truly a dark, dark day for America.

- In case you were wondering, the next musician to whore out his or her musical career and associate with American Karaoke will be Jon Bon Jovi. JBJ was already on thin ice with music fans that aren't still perming their hair to ginormous proportions and living in the ‘80s, and appearing on a glorified karaoke contest should be the fatal blow to his credibility. Part of me wants to embrace the rubbernecker mentality and tune in to see the impending wreck that will ensue when the talentless hacks on the show try to recreate some of JBJ’s tunes, but a little something called dignity, self-respect and an aversion to ear-assaulting crap will help me to steer clear of this ten-car pile-up in the making.

- Someone had better make sure 7th Heaven is really dead this time. About this time last year, the WB promised over and over that our television nightmare was almost over and that the trite, preachy, sappy, sugary sweet family values infomercial masked as a drama that is 7th Heaven was ending. Yet when the CW took over, combining UPN and WB programming under one incompetent, leaky umbrella, the show was resuscitated in unarguably the worst show renewal decision in television history bar none. In the process, a great show (Everwood) lost its spot and millions of TV fans with IQ’s above 40 were crushed. Now, the CW is claiming that 7th Heaven really is going to die, and you’ll have to pardon me if I don’t believe them. Frankly, I’m willing to make sure this really happens and do it in person if necessary. I’ll fly out to California, douse the entire sound stage, all of the props, sets and wardrobes with gasoline and bust out a blowtorch to burn up every last vestige of this dying, decaying piece of crap. The show stopped being relevant or watchable five or six years ago, and its return killed my beloved Everwood, so 7th Heaven can't die soon enough or in a big enough ball of flame. Adios, you worthless hunk of garbage, it’s more than half a decade overdue.

Uptight administrators at Princeton, a black market for Twinkies and a show cancellation that doesn't upset me

- Hey, finally a new show that I didn’t get into got canceled, sweet! The new series drive, a supposedly fast-paced story of a cross country race featuring a collection of characters from different walks of life, was yanked after only two episodes by FOX, which has to be close to setting a new record for the brevity of a TV series on network television. I’ll be honest; I only watched a few minutes of the show and found it to be pretty bland, scatter-brained and uninteresting, and most of America was equally unimpressed with it as evidenced by its abysmal ratings. However, I am super pumped that finally a show has been unceremoniously dumped from the airwaves and it’s one I didn’t actively follow. I think, though, that networks should be forced to create promos for the cancellation of new shows in direction proportion to the amount of hype and promos they cranked out promoting the shows before they debuted. If a network runs promos for two months for a new show and fills them with exciting clips from the show and quotes from critics raving about how great it is, that same network should have to put together promos on the show’s cancellation featuring clips of the atrocious dialogue, bad acting and half-baked action sequences that made the show so unwatchable. Mix in a few scathing critiques of the show from those same critics who now hate the show and you’ve got a suitable punitive measure for the networks for foisting such an unwatchable turd of a show on us. If you spent two months telling me how amazing New Show X is and that I absolutely must see it, then you can spend two months after you cancel it admitting that you were wrong and that the show sucked.

- Here’s proof positive that some people get what college is supposed to be about (fun, freedom and experiencing new and different things) and some people don’t. First, we have a campus administrator at the hallowed, ivy-covered Princeton University shutting down this year’s campus milk chugging contest because he claimed the 30 participants were causing too much of a ruckus as they downed 1 percent, two percent and chocolate milk. Yeah, because that’s a real concern on campus is too much noise being made in a dining hall. It’s a freaking college campus, Mr. College Administrator, so remove the stick from up your butt and learn to relax. Unless the students are spiking their milk with gin or vodka and smashing dining room chairs over one another’s heads, you need to leave them alone. Let them drink milk, and let them drink it in massive quantities so we can know who the true champion is on campus. As for those who do understand what college is supposed to be about, a trio of University of Maryland professors decided to have a little fun at the expense of a colleague who had previously taught at Duke before coming to UM. Right before the first Maryland-Duke men’s basketball game of this past season, the three pranking professors stole a Duke lawn chair from the office of this professor and began hitting him up with ransom notes accompanied by pictures of the chair in “compromising” positions. The prank culminated last week when the three pranksters burst in on one of their colleague’s classes and held a mock trial for the chair for its “crimes.” The chair was found innocent on all charges by reason of insanity, in case you were wondering. Why can't we have more professors and college officials like this, and less like the anal, uptight prick at Princeton? I would have loved to have profs like these three for my college classes, it might have made subjects like geology and politics in Third World countries slightly more palatable.

- Vaya con dios, Mark Prior. The perpetually injury-plagued Chicago Cubs pitcher is officially done for the 2007 season, courtesy of his most recent shoulder surgery. Prior is also believed to done with the Cubs, period if you believe analysts who predict that at the end of this season, the team will cut Prior loose and move on with players who can actually stay healthy. It’s sad to see it end this way for a guy who was supposed to be an annual 20-game winner, but it’s the right move for the Cubs. General manager Jim Hendry offered this nugget of optimistic, sunny thinking about the situation: “Dr. Andrews feels comfortable that he will still have a career.” Wow, that’s incredibly inspiring, that Prior can still “have a career.” Dr. Andrews would be James Andrews, the renowned surgeon who performs operations on many athletes with major ligament and joint injuries. According to a statement from the good doctor, Andrews performed a debridement of Prior's rotator cuff and repaired labral and capsular injuries in the shoulder. I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t sound good because any time the rotator cuff is involved in a surgery, that’s a major problem. Hendry obviously can't come right out and say that Prior is done with the team because teams are always tight-lipped about these sorts of situations, but Prior is a near-lock to be jettisoned by the Cubs after this season. The team cannot keep throwing money at a guy whose health continues to deteriorate and who can’t even stay healthy at age 26.

- The Recording Industry Association of America has been on a lawsuit rampage the past year or so, unleashing its legal fury on college students who continue to give the middle finger to federal piracy laws by “illegally” downloading music files. I use quotation marks for the word illegally because I still contend that if you have a music file and you want to share it, you should be able to without penalty. Still, the RIAA persists in haranguing college students (like they’re going to get any money from broke college kids) and the Director of Student Legal Services at North Carolina State University is coming to the aid of students who are being sued by the RIAA. She is offering legal counsel to the students as they fight the lawsuits, which is good because: 1) the lawsuits are bogus, and 2) when you’re dining on ramen noodles, sleeping on a broke-down futon and digging through your dirty clothes to find something semi-wearable because you don’t have the change to go do your laundry, you really can’t afford to spend a couple hundred bucks an hour paying for

an attorney. Oh, and the RIAA can sue all it wants, but it is not going to ever bring an end to illegal downloading and sharing of music, because I know there are millions of people like me out there who aren't going to abandon the practice.

- When Congress comes after your Twinkies, moon pies, Ding Dongs and Mountain Dew, you know civil rights are under attack. Sadly, that’s exactly what may happen to our nation’s youth as Congress has asked the Institute of Medicine to develop new nutritional standards for foods and beverages for sale in the cafeterias of our nation’s schools. Amidst fear that our uber-fatty population is comprised of too many chubby children, Congress has decided that not only should foods and beverages regulated under federal school lunch program standards be subjected to nutritional scrutiny, but foods sold out of school vending machines need to be evaluated as well. But isn't that part of the fun of being a kid, eating junk food and being able to wolf down pizza, Doritos, cupcakes, candy bars and ice cream and not feel guilty about it? I’ll concede that America is disgustingly fat, but it’s not fair for Congress to legislate healthy eating. If they can take away our Ho-Ho’s, what can't they rip from us? Americans need to eat healthier, but it needs to be their choice to do so. Kids who aren't old enough to know better need to have parents or guardians who explain to them that having a double chin is a bad idea. Setting new standards for the amount of calories, fat and sugar in any food sold in schools is only going to cause problems. You’ll create a black market for Twinkies and those little powdered donuts and have kids selling a six-pack of mini Oreos out of their locker for an inflated price of $5. Fifth graders nationwide will be jumping fellow students in back hallways and beating them up for the Ring Dings that they brought from home because the school will no longer sell them. Is this the kind of mayhem and violence you want on your conscience, Congress? I think not………

- Every single sports analyst, show host, critic or commentator who has spent more than two seconds debating the dragged-up-from-the-dead issue of Curt Schilling and his bloody sock from the 2004 playoffs is an absolute moron. Who the hell cares? It was three years ago, it has nothing to do with the outcome of any games and it’s a freaking sock! No one is being accused of cheating or doing anything to affect the result or integrity of the game itself, so who gives a crap? If it’s blood on the sock, paint, ketchup, strawberry juice or horseradish sauce, it doesn’t freaking matter! Oh, and did I mention it was three damn years ago? I don’t care who said what, who alleged what and who is lying here. Everyone who devoted airtime to this story or does so in the days ahead is an absolute sucker and a total joke and should be ashamed of themselves. If any of them can tell me what relevance this has to Major League Baseball in the here and now, or even how it affected the outcome of any game in those 2004 playoffs, I’ll admit it’s a valid topic to discuss, but since there’s no possible way for that to be true, I’ll just go ahead and figure everyone I’ve just described is as dumb as I have described them to be.

Why taking your clothes off for a skin rag makes you a skank, why Rosie is running scared and why a crushed velvet suit is a bad fashion choice

- I don’t know Kristine Lefebvre, but I’m still going to call the former Apprentice contestant a liar. Lefebvre has agreed to pose in an upcoming issue of Playboy and like many skanks who pose for a skin rag, she’s trying to claim that her decision has altruistic motivations. Lefebvre, a cancer survivor, tried to claim that posing nude is an attempt to encourage other cancer survivors. It may be many things, but a motivational action for other cancer survivors is not one of them. A cash grab? Yes. A publicity grab? Yes. An attempt to launch your acting career with some national notoriety? Yes. A good-hearted attempt to inspire other cancer survivors? No. I don’t think anyone who has survived cancer will see this and say, “Hey, that reality show loser Kristine Lefebvre took her clothes off and whored herself out for hundreds of thousands of porn-loving losers to gawk at, I’m really inspired to do something great with my life!” I know when you do something that most everyone sees as degrading, debasing and slutty in exchange for money you feel the need to spin it and try to assign some higher motive to it, but this is just offensive. Don’t try to play the cancer survivor angle as a justification for taking your clothes off for a magazine, not if you really want to show cancer survivors the respect they deserve. Lance Armstrong won seven Tour de France races, maybe try something like that instead……..

- Some days, life hands you a great big present wrapped in shiny gold paper with a big red bow on it, and this is one of those days. The ever-uncouth Rosie O’Donnell has dared open her mouth and speak out against her arch nemesis, Donald Trump, which can mean only one thing: a verbal beatdown from the Donald is on the way. O’Fat launched into an anti-Donald tirade at the Matrix Awards luncheon thrown by NY Women in Communications, concluding her rant by grabbing her crotch and yelling, “Eat me!” Umm, I speak for all humans, male and female, when I say I’ll take a pass on that, Rosie. She also sarcastically said she was disappointed when Trump accurately described her as fat and disgusting because it has always been her dream to be found arousing by an old, ugly billionaire. So Rosie has a linguistic salvo coming from the Donald, and she’s taking evasive maneuvers. The announcement came down today that O’Fat and The View have not been able to reach terms on a new contract, meaning she will be leaving the show. First, I should mention that this is a total lie. The BS about a contract is a ruse, because the truth is that O’Fat knows she screwed up in opening her fat, ugly, uneducated pie hole to snipe at Trump and now she’s diving for cover. Unfortunately for her, there is nothing to hide behind that is large enough to cover her ginormous ass and she’s going to take a hit. After the last round the Donald fired, where he basically sounded like he was ordering his lunch off of the menu at Denny’s while running off how O’Fat was a slob, weak, ugly, stupid and a waste of airtime for Babs Walters’ show, this next round should be an epic smackdown.

- You’ll hear me comment on fashion about once every decade maximum, but a quick question here: how do you show up at a post-game NBA press conference wearing a dark red, crushed-velvet suit, Antoine Walker? Can't you afford something that doesn’t make you look like an Austin Powers wannabe? I don’t care if you’re a famous athlete and you’re 6’8, pushing 250 pounds, you’re not big enough or tough enough to pull that off. Some athletes like to fancy themselves as fashion connoisseurs, but that’s not fashionable, bro, it’s just ridiculous.

- If you weren't already sick about the current war of choice for the United States (Iraq), take a moment to consider a debacle in the making from another conflict we’re involved in. The conflict in Afghanistan is actually based on a justifiable reason (the whole terrorism thing and all that jazz), but now a terrible disgrace like the sham surround the death of former Army Ranger Pat Tillman is being brought to light. Tillman’s death was hailed as heroic and as the result of enemy fire, but now we’re learning that Army officials perpetrated that lie on us all, including Tillman’s family, in order to further their own goals. Instead of telling the truth about Tillman’s death (friendly fire), the Army and the W. administration built it up as a firefight that took the life of a brave soldier and used that fictitious story to bolster recruitment efforts and raise support for the war. Never mind honoring the memory of an honest, courageous man who fought and died, they needed to make their cause look good and they didn’t need the negative attention from a soldier killed by his own men. But these are the same people we’re trusting to execute the war in Iraq and be up front with us about the state of the war, whether it is justified or not and when it should end? Pardon me if I refuse to believe another thing coming from the mouth of our Ass Clown in Chief when it comes to any war we fight, he and his minions have proven time and again that they will lie to anyone and everyone in order to further their own twisted ideals and agendas. Any luck finding those WMD’s yet, W.? Didn’t think so…….

- I don’t argue that raising money for children living in extreme poverty in America and abroad is a bad idea. It’s a great cause and it’s something more people need to be a part of. That being said, if I’m LeBron James, Shaquille O’Neal or any other famous athlete, there’s not a snowball-on-the-sun’s chance that I’m appearing on American Karaoke to help raise money for anything. James and O’Neal are among the athletes who filmed vignettes of themselves dancing and singing to the Bee Gees’ Staying Alive, to be aired tonight on AK as part of fund-raising efforts for organizations helping impoverished children worldwide. Relief programs for impoverished children need money, but there has to be a better way to do it than this. Now, if you want to remove American Karaoke from the air permanently, then I’m not only willing to listen, I’ll gladly open my checkbook and write you out a check for as much as I can give. As much as impoverishes children need help with food, housing, medical care and clothing, the need to eradicate the plague known as American Karaoke from our planet is nearly as big of a need. By agreeing to tape a segment for the show, all James and O’Neal are doing is perpetuating this most egregious of affronts to music and culture in general. They aren't the ones who will suffer, though; their reputations are strong enough to withstand being associated with this hack job of a reality show. The rest of us will suffer because this means we are now ever further away from being rid of this musical menace.

Mark Prior is made of porcelain, Heroes is great TV as always and Philadelphia is a popular place to commit a homicide

- Brace yourself for a true stunner, baseball fans. Chicago Cubs pitcher Mark Prior is hurt and in need of surgery. Upon hearing this news, my obvious reaction was, “No way! I just cannot believe that a sturdy, durable horse of a pitcher like Prior is hurt again.” I mean, yes, Prior has been on the disabled list all season and has spent lengthy periods of time on the DL in every one of his five Major League seasons, with eight trips to the DL total. Yes, he’s had trouble with a wide range of injuries, from his arms to his shoulders to his legs. Yes, he’s at the office of renowned surgeon Dr. James Andrews so much that he’s probably got his own seat reserved in the lobby and has helped Andrews buy a boat, Jaguar, vacation home in Fiji and a new 60” plasma screen with all the bills Prior has rung up. Still, who saw this one coming, news that Prior’s shoulder is still bothering him despite not pitching in a single game this year and that he may be headed back under the knife for exploratory surgery (and probably more extensive surgery after that)….well, other than everyone. When Prior first came up to the bigs, he was hailed for his flawless delivery and mechanics, which would supposedly help him to stay healthy and not break down like most pitchers do. It’s been the exact opposite for this guy, and he’s so injury prone that he’s making Ken Griffey Jr. look invincible by comparison.

- It’s spring again, and you know what that means: flowers blooming, trees budding and Iranian police arresting women on the street for wearing trench coats that are a little too tight and allowing a stray strand of hair or two to peek out from under their veil. This kind of crackdown against absolutely gratuitous flesh showing hasn’t been seen in the country in nearly 20 years, and I commend the Iranian police for taking a stand against women objectifying themselves and tempting their male counterparts by….um…..well, they’re not actually doing any of that. Nice to see that no matter how far we think the world has advanced and progressed, there will always be backwards, repressive societies who take conservativeness to extremes and force women to don copious amounts of clothing and show little more than their eyes. Keep this up, Iran, and you’ll be able to replace Daytona Beach, South Padre Island and Tijuana as the top spring break destination for college kids next year.

- Looking to get whacked this summer? If so, Philadelphia appears to be the place for you, as the city’s homicide rate is on pace to be at its highest in a decade. So far this year, Philly has more homicides than New York, Chicago or Los Angeles, all of which have significantly larger populations. The body count in Philadelphia was bumped up over the weekend when 11 people were killed across the city in a variety of bloody, brutal manners. Residents of the city need to calm down, though, because that kind of homicide rate cannot be sustained. I know the 76ers sucked this year and missed the playoffs, that the Phillies are off to an awful start and that the Eagles suffered a major hit when quarterback Donovan McNabb blew out his knee last year, but no matter how angry you are, Philly residents, offing one another to alleviate the tension is not acceptable. Somebody better keep check on Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, though, because his obscenity-laced tirade last week and subsequent meltdown has me worried that he’s going to be adding to the homicide count by taking out Philly radio host Howard Eskin.

- Want to feel better about the safety of the food you’re eating? If so, heed my advice of a few weeks ago and start growing your own, because unless you personally tend to every piece of food you eat from the time it is in its most basic form to the time it hits your mouth, you’re taking a big risk. Turns out that of all the food ingredients that come to the United States from abroad, only 1 percent of said ingredients are inspected by the Food and Drug Administration. Inspectors rarely take a close look at ingredients and usually restrict their inspections to shipments that are dirty, damaged or out of their packaging. As a result, all types of oils, spices, flours and gums go through un-inspected and are free to reek havoc on consumers. Happy eating, America……….

- Thank God that Heroes is such a great show and doesn’t need the help of a strong prime time partner show to succeed, because if it had need of such help, NBC isn't providing it. Following last night’s big-time return of the sci-fi thriller that featured a major death and screen time for nearly all of the show’s major players (including a new one, Linderman, played by Malcolm McDowell), NBC offered up a pupu platter of reality drivel in the form of The Real Wedding Crashers, a half-baked concept of a show whose participants should be taken out behind the woodshed and beaten with a rusty pipe. Basically, the premise is that real-life couples invite the producers of the show in to create artificial havoc at their weddings without the knowledge of the guests or wedding party. It’s supposed to be a big joke by the bride and groom on everyone else, and at the end, the couples actually do get married. And yes, as stupid as that sounds in theory, the execution isn't any better. Not only are the couples who whore out their biggest day idiots, but NBC should be fined by the FCC for even putting this garbage on the air. Nothing says treating your big, big day with class and tact like turning it into a reality show circus. Getting married on the field at a pro sporting event, tying the knot while skydiving or snorkeling and getting married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas all think that this show is an absolute classless joke.

Why Aqualung is a good listen, which Georgia town is socially backwards and impending baseball doom

- Normally liking Aqualung doesn’t earn you much favor or respect when it comes to music fans, but regardless of any preconceived notions or biases you might have against this particular artist, I highly recommend you give a listen to the new Aqualung album, Memory Man. The most likely audience for Aqualung’s sound on this disc is Coldplay fans or people who would listen to Coldplay if Chris Martin weren’t so friggin’ whiny, but the lyrical quality and overall sound of the album should be appreciated beyond the borders of emo. Aqualung has actually crafted a pretty versatile sound here, going beyond the piano-and-whiny-vocals sound and mixing in enough rock flavor to appeal to a wide demographic of music fans. Pressure Suit, a truly Coldplay-esque tune with heavy piano stylings, is a top song and has an interesting, climatically diverse video to go along with it (you’ll have to see the video to understand what I mean). Maybe I’m viewing this album in a more favorable light because of albums out by artist like Avril Lavigne, who appears content to reprise teeny-bopper ‘80s hits like Hey Mickey! and create artistically dumbed-down, sugary bubble gum crap instead of trying to become a more developed musician, but even so Memory Man is a thinking man’s record that you’re likely to enjoy.

- In trying to prepare for this summer’s blockbuster movie rush, highlighted be the third installment in each of three prominent movie franchises (Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Spiderman 3, Ocean’s Thirteen), I’m trying to decide which one of these three I’m most anticipating. As any good movie fan does, I went back and watched the first two movies in each series, jogging my memory and in one case, trying to make sense of a movie that didn’t make much sense in the first place. The latter was Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest, a movie I found interesting, fast-paced but ultimately cluttered and more than a little confusing after seeing it in the theater. However, in re-watching the movie on DVD, I found that a second viewing made Dead Man’s Chest infinitely more understandable and I definitely appreciated the whole picture a lot more the second time around. Out of these three movies, Pirates is the one I’m looking forward to the most, but Ocean’s Thirteen is a close second. I know a lot of people knocked Ocean’s Twelve, but the criticisms I heard had everything to do with the movie not being a carbon copy, style-wise, of the first one and also not being what people expected. The movie itself was interesting, clever and kept you plugged in throughout. (Interesting side note: Ocean’s Eleven is actually a remake - sort of - of a 1960 movie starring Sammy Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. The location of the movie and the number of casinos robbed differs, but the basic plot is the same). Spiderman 3 just isn't striking me as especially captivating based on what I’ve seen so far, but I have a feeling it will deliver the goods once I watch it in the theater.

- Congress is being painted into a war-funding corner, and I don’t like the potential solutions I’m hearing discussed. Basically, Congress is bound to provide the necessary funds for a war if the president (no matter how moronic, idiotic, intellectually deficient and clueless he is) declares war and then drags it out for an interminable period of time with no justification. In other words, once W. rejects the war-funding bill about to be passed due to its troop-withdrawal language, Congress has to come up with an alternative solution so our fighting men and women have the funding they need. One option is a short-term funding bill that would force Congress to revisit the whole issue later this summer, but that option doesn’t seem to be gaining much traction. A second choice would be providing the funds but establishing certain guidelines and benchmarks for the Iraqi government to reach as a part of the agreement to provide funding. Lastly, Congress could just give W. what he’s asking for (no, not a swift ass kicking and a punch to the groin, although he is asking for both of those things) in terms of war funding, regroup and try to right this sinking ship when the 2008 funding debates roll around. In the interest of radical solutions and anti-establishment thinking, allow me to suggest a fourth option: a Congressional strike. Just go on strike, form picket lines outside the Capitol and tote your “Down with W.” signs around and shout derogatory remarks about our leader. Even with no legislative work being done, is anyone going to notice? I say no, as Congress is already so inefficient and lackluster in its duties that slowing the pace down to a nice, crisp zero won't be that much of a change. Sure that might be abandoning the duties your constituents elected you to do, but isn't that what congressional representatives already do anyhow? Heck, all 535 members of Congress can tag along on Nancy Pelosi’s next vacation, er, fact finding trip to the Middle East. Anything you can do to give the president the proverbial middle finger when he requests funds for his own Vietnam is appreciated, Congress.

- Last year, Will Ferrell appeared on SportsCenter to promote whatever movie he had out at the time and was asked to reprise his famous Harry Caray impression, which has become a favorite comedic staple of most every under the age of 30 who’s ever watched Saturday Night Live. Describing the Steve Bartman incident of 2003 through the eyes of the late Chicago Cubs announced, Ferrell yelped: “I feel doom encroaching upon us all!” That’s how I feel about the impending baseball apocalypse that will happen when nobody’s favorite roid-head, Bar-roid Bonds, breaks Hank Aaron’s career home run record of 755. Bonds hit two more bombs over the weekend and now has 740, meaning he’s increasingly likely to surpass the Hammer before the All-Star Break. The closer we get to this point, the more pissed I become as a baseball fan. With each tainted homer, Bonds comes closer to being the face of a record that used to stand for class, dignity and asterisk-free achievement. From the point Bar-roid breaks the mark until Alex Rodriguez inevitably surpasses it in about 5-6 years, baseball fans are going to be forced to admit that a cheating, lying, surly horse’s ass of a man is their sport’s best all-time power hitter. Maybe it seems absurd and extreme to suggest, as some critics have, that teams refuse to pitch to Bonds and thus keep him from breaking the record, but I’m in favor of doing it. How awesome would it be to see every team walk Bar-roid four times a game and to see the building roid rage in his eyes as he takes four wide ones every time to the plate and realizes he’s not going to be able to break the record. Now that’s a solution to our problem that all baseball fans can get behind…….

- It must, like, be, like so, like exciting to be Morgan Pozgar of Claysburg, Pa. right now, omigosh. The quick-thumbed 13-year-old won this year’s LG National Texting championship, besting hundreds of other teens with ginormous cell phone bills and a future full or carpal tunnel syndrome to take home the top prize of $25,000. The winning text was “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” from the movie Mary Poppins and took Pozgar a mere 15 seconds to type. There aren't many contests out there aimed at 13-year-old girls, but this is one of them. Still, speed typing a ridiculous word from an atrocious and unwatchable old movie featuring dancing penguins hardly seems like the right way to decide the texting champion. Why not stick to classics like w/e, bff, ttyl, cya, omg, inho, lol and other staples of the average teen girl’s online vocabulary. Plus, if Morgan is that quick of a texter, she’s going to need all of that prize money to pay her freaking huge cell bill each month. She claims she’s going to go shopping and buy lots of clothes, but her parents may have different ideas if they’re the ones who foot her phone bill every month.

- How the heck is this just now happening in 2007? In Ashburn, Ga., Turner County High School has finally held its first-ever integrated prom. Yes, I said first-ever, because somehow this backwater, socially retarded town has managed to stage separate proms for black and white students up to this point despite the fact that segregation (at least in the civilized portions of the country) ended in 1963. Instead of a school-sponsored prom, in past years black students and white students each raised money for their own private prom and somehow this was allowed to stand. Welcome to the twenty-first century, Ashburn. This shouldn’t at all perpetuate the stereotype that residents of the South are backwoods, backwater, socially stifled hillbillies who just don’t get it. True, most people in that region of our fine nation are not that way, but stories like this cast a negative light on the region in general. If Ashburn residents have time, I would suggest that they do a little research and spend time reading up on a little case I like to call Brown v. Board of Education, you all should find it to be rather informative.

Putin is a putz, criminals are still stupid and a vote on behalf of Veronica Mars

- Why is it that the dumbest among us are always the ones who end up as career criminals? Take for example an unnamed man in Kansas City who tried to flee from security personnel at a casino when it became known that there was a warrant out for his arrest. This genius decided his best escape route was to leap over some railing outside of the casino….and right into a moat where he drowned. Good job, Mensa, you showed those security personnel, they weren't going to take you alive. Police didn’t say what crime the man was wanted for, but unless it was murder or manslaughter, I’ve got to figure that whatever penalty he may have incurred would have been significantly worse than death by drowning in a casino moat. This man is undoubtedly the early leader for the 2007 Darwin Awards, which are presented to individuals who do the rest of humanity a service by removing themselves from the gene pool.

- Memo to David Letterman, Jay Leno and any other late night, daytime or morning show hosts out there: some of us were able to avoid this Sanjaya freak because we’re smart enough to avoid the intellectual and musical wasteland that is American Karaoke. Stop booking this talentless freak job to appear on your show, you’re only prolonging what should have been his negative fifteen minutes of fame. It’s said that everyone gets their fifteen minutes of fame, but in the case of this ass clown, he should not only not get that time, he should owe the rest of us fifteen minutes. I don’t need him invading every other network and popping up on shows I might actually be watching. In fact, I’m considering dropping an automatic six-month viewing ban on any program that allows San-joke-a to appear, a full one-year ban if they allow him to attempt any comedic or musical activity. However, if he is going to appear on Letterman’s show, that means he’ll be in New York and there are at least two dozen ways to knock him off and get rid of him. Push him in front of a subway train, knock him off the ferry out to Ellis Island, shove him down an open manhole, send him through the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood in Harlem dressed in a KKK robe………….the possibilities are endless.

- Having a waiter spit in your food is going to seem a lot more appealing after this next story. Waiters in about 40 New York area restaurants took part in a credit card scam that relied on the waiters recording customers’ credit card information and passed it on to co-conspirators who made more than $3 million of illegal purchases using the stolen information. Thirteen people have been indicted in the scam so far, but there is no word yet on what charges will be brought against the waiters themselves. As someone who uses cards to pay for many things, including meals, this definitely makes you think twice about the practice. When you consider the millions of people who hand their credit cards over to waiters at breakfast, lunch and dinner every day all over America, it’s amazing there aren’t more stories like this. Of course, walking around NYC with a wad of cash on you to pay for your meals may not be any safer, so the best recommendation if you are in New York and absolutely need to eat is brown bagging it. Sure you may look funny carrying around your lunch bag, but no one is going to steal a brown paper bag with a turkey sando and some Doritos in it, nor can they use said items to make illegal online purchases and ruin your credit. Think it over…….

- As a loyal fan of Veronica Mars, I’m waiting anxiously just like everyone else as the series’ fate is decided by the CW network, which has already proven it has zero competence and intelligence when deciding which of its shows to bring back and which ones to cut (see the example of bringing back the already dead 7th Heaven and canceling the amazing Everwood last year). If you haven't been following the Mars saga, the basic decision is for the network to pick one of three options: 1) return the show next season and continue right along the same path the show has been going, with Veronica in college and no leap ahead in time, 2) leap ahead to a time when Veronica is out of college and working for the FBI, 3) cancel the show. Clearly, option #1 is the best, because the leap ahead in time will just seem forced and would throw Mars in along with all of the other FBI, CIA, Secret Service dramas out there, of which there are many. Still, either one is better than option #3, and that of course means the third option is exactly the one the CW is going to take. Gawd, I hate the CW.

- I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry on this one, so maybe I can do both. A few years ago, New York Jets running back Curtis Martin refused to do a major national radio show because he only does “positive” interviews and the show was seen as too negative. It turns out the entire Jets franchise had that policy, to keep things “positive” at all times. Vladimir Putin, it seems, embraces the same philosophy. The Russian dictator (sorry bro, but you’re no longer a president, not with the gulag you’re running) has declared that the Russian News Service radio network must make at least 50 percent of its stories about Russia positive. Additionally, leaders of opposition groups within the country cannot be mentioned by name and the United States must be portrayed as an enemy. In other words, the formerly independent RNS must now become a propaganda-spouting, sellout mouthpiece for the government if it wishes to continue operations. Some of the negative stories that the network will now have to shy away from include death, violence and poverty. Thus, if you’re teetering on the edge of the 50 percent balance and there’s a story of a major catastrophe where hundreds of people are killed, you must ignore that story and report that a kitten was saved from a tree, or that meteorologists are predicting sunny with a high of 75 for Moscow tomorrow. Either that, or find two or three positive stories to balance out the negative so you can still strike the happy 50/50 balance. What this looks like to me is that Vlad Putin is serious about making a run at W. for being the most inept, ineffective and idiotic leader of a major world power and that finishing second is not an option. Two months ago I would have said Putin had no chance in that race, but with his rash of recent imbecilic decisions, he’s closing the gap fast.

- Hey, did you notice that the NHL playoffs are going on? Me neither. But apparently they are, because ESPN keeps bringing on some mulleted fellow named Melrose and talking about the NHL playoffs like anyone south of the Canadian border gives a crap. Sorry, mullet-heads, but if your sport broadcasts nearly all of its playoff games on the Versus network, which 99 percent of Americans don’t get, then you are irrelevant. Soccer on ice is running in ninth place with American sports fans, right behind the real majors (MLB, NFL, NBA), college basketball, baseball and football, golf and tennis. Actually, soccer on grass may have just edged you out too, so hockey is probably tenth at this point. After all, at least soccer on grass can regularly get games on ESPN, which is more than hockey can say.

A lack of patience in Sacramento, good news for Gilmore and what American Karaoke can actually give back

- Either the Sacramento Kings have adopted a much less patient mindset for their franchise or a drunken-driving arrest is now cause enough to fire an NBA head coach after one mediocre season. The Kings have fired coach Eric Musselman after a 33-49 campaign with an aging roster and a paltry supply of talent. Musselman’s failure to transform said deficient roster into a playoff team, coupled with the disgrace he brought upon the organization by getting all molared up and trying to drive on October 20, were enough to end his tenure with the Kings. Musselman had been successful a few years ago with Golden State, but the Kings proved to be too much of a challenge for him. The front office stance on Musselman is that the franchise is reevaluating and refocusing, but this is still an awfully quick trigger finger. Musselman deserved at least one more year; this isn't college football, where coaches need to win and win now before rich alumni run them out of town. Sacto isn't going to be markedly better next year without Musselman, not unless they make major roster changes, changes they could have made with him still onboard.

- Sebastian Telfair is playing the wrong sport. He needs to join the Cincinnati Bengals right now, because he’s wasting his time and criminal capabilities playing with the Boston Celtics. The wannabe thug/gangsta point guard who has never lived up to the ginormous hype he had coming out of high school was arrested in his hometown of the Bronx on Thursday and charged with felony gun possession after being pulled over on a routine traffic stop. Telfair is no stranger to trouble with the law, and he used his criminal skills to the fullest less than a day after his team’s season ended. This dude wasted no time in shifting into full-on con mode, and the Bengals are always on the lookout for guys with that kind of ability. Sebastian might want to slow down, though, because even a man of his skill level cannot keep up this kind of pace throughout the entire offseason. Pace yourself, S., there are a lot of weeks ahead before next season begins and you need to space your felony gun charges, future marijuana possession and other assorted crimes out so you don’t use all your criminal stamina up too quickly.

- Ah, the good old days of Communism and dictatorial rule, where you can be hauled in by the government and interrogated for hours without any cause at all. Russia is making major progress in bringing back those good old days and its government is using Gary Kasparov as its pawn in the process (chess pun intended). Russian security agents brought the 44-year-old former chess champion in for questioning after he had the audacity to take part in demonstrations against the administration of President Vladimir Putin last week. Kasparov rightly pointed out that the government has no basis for criminal charges against him, but in present day Russia, being innocent doesn’t mean you’re safe from harassment and possible arrest. Trying to pin charges of political extremism on the most well-known person in the opposition movement…..hmm….maybe I’m being cynical, but this reeks of political intimidation and scare tactics by the Putin administration. It is reassuring to know that you don’t necessarily need to be effective, competent, fair or smart to rule a country, all you need to do is have the brute force to hold down anyone who opposes you. Putin and W. should start some sort of club for ineffective rulers who refuse to admit what abominations their tenures in office have been………..

- Allow me to dispense some free legal advice here. This offer is in response to the blunderings of one particular individual, but anyone in a similar situation should feel free to put it to use. When embroiled in a bitter custody battle for your 11-year-old daughter, leaving a scathing, threatening voice mail on that child’s cell phone is a bad choice. Alec Baldwin is the culprit in this instance for the blistering verbal scalding he left on daughter Ireland’s voice mail, a message that called her, among other things, spoiled and a “selfish pig.” Baldwin is now spinning this, trying to make amends and rationalize away his tirade, while attorneys for his ex-wife Kim Basinger are trying to make it appear like their client had nothing to do with leaking the recording. This may not be the deciding factor in the judge’s custody decision because all parents yell at their kids and Baldwin didn’t go so far as to physically threaten her, but why would any child want to live with a parent who’s willing to leave that kind of message on their voice mail? Check yourself, Alec, because if this is the kind of parenting you’re employing now while trying to win custody of your kid and show what a good dad you can be, I’d hate to see how you would act if you won and felt like you were no longer under scrutiny.

- Good news and bad news for Gilmore Girls fans like myself. Every report you hear now has the show coming back for an eighth season, but it will almost certainly be a shortened season in the 13-16 episode range. That prospect has fans and critics debating whether the return is a good idea, especially considering the show has had some rough patches this season with the change in executive producers from Amy Sherman-Palladino and husband Dan to David Rosenthal. I’m squarely on the side of an eighth season of any length being a great thing, although it pains me to say that the main reason for this is that so many of the shows on right now are absolute crap and networks seem to be axing good shows at an alarming rate, so any way of keeping one of TV’s best shows on the air is fine by me. This season might not have been consistently excellent and it may have been marred by the same inexplicably idiotic long gaps between the “fall finale”, “spring finale” and whatever other crappy excuse for a one or two-month layoff the networks have given when ripping their shows off the air and returning them at random times this season, but Gilmore is still one of the five best shows out there. Even a shortened season of the Girls next year will be better than nothing.

- Writing while laughing hysterically is difficult to do, what with the near-convulsions and inability to stop rolling on the floor while clutching my stomach because of the severity of the laughter. Still, I’ll try to steady myself and explain in three absurdly funny words: Idol Gives Back. You’ve probably seen the commercials for the next week of American Karaoke shows, which insinuate that the glorified karaoke contest will be giving something back. Allow me to suggest few things AK could truly give back: 1) all the time I’ve had to spend the past three or four years hearing idiots yammer on about the show that’s single-handedly setting music and television back twenty years, 2) the airtime the show has wasted and thus kept from being given to other shows that don’t actually suck, 3) the indignity perpetrated on the American public by making glorified former Laker Girl think she’s famous enough to force her way onto flights and reserve two seats for herself on a sold-out flight, 4) the money the show has suckered from all of the morons who have paid to call in and vote for their favorite karaoke singer/contestant. Those are just a few ideas, but if AK is really serious about giving back, they would do well to start with those four things. If they’re actually serious in thinking they have anything significant, worthwhile and positive to give back to anyone, they’re begging. The best gift they could ever give would be taking their collection of questionably coiffed, athletic balladeering, musically challenged misfits and going away forever.

Alberto Gonzales has not a clue, Pacman Jones has no chance and Kyrgyzstan has an uprising

- What’s worse: a lying, manipulative, two-faced Attorney General who makes politically motivated firings and then denies it, or an amnesia-laden, forgetful, no-attention-span-having Attorney General who can’t remember anything, including making important personnel decisions and taking part in high-level governmental meetings? Alberto Gonzales seems undecided as to which of those two he is, based on his performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee. More than seventy times during the hearing, Gonzales tried to hide behind the defense that he couldn't recall much anything that the senators asked about, even though much of it happened in meetings he is known to have attended. He double-talked around the role he played in the firings of eight attorneys general, allegedly because they investigated Republican politicians in the months leading up to the last election and didn’t investigate enough Democrats. Whether the firings were indeed politically motivated is one issue, but I think we have a far bigger one. When a high-ranking government official can’t recall anything at all about major decisions and meetings that happened less than six months ago, that’s a problem. Even the biggest stoner on every college campus in America has a good enough memory that they can remember major life events that happened within the past six months. Either Alberto is lying through his teeth, or he’s suffering from severe amnesia/stupidity and is probably not qualified to serve as Attorney General. Let’s put it another way; when there are people attending a congressional hearing and sitting in the gallery waving signs demanding your firing like they’re marching in a Green Peace rally, you’ve bottomed out in your political career and are officially a circus sideshow. Resign now Alberto, and you might be able to salvage a small fragment of your dignity before it’s ripped from you.

- The following news bit will be both informative and educational. Since approximately 3.6 percent of American can actually locate Kyrgyzstan on a map, bear with me. Police in the central Asian nation (located on the western border of China) used tear gas and stun grenades to disperse some 7,000 protestors who had marched to the president’s office in the country’s capital to demand his resignation. President Kurmanbek Bakiyev (no, W. has still not figured out how to pronounce either the name of the country or its president) has so inspired his citizens with incompetent leadership that they have now held anti-government protests on nine consecutive days. Kudos to the police for showing restraint and only using tear gas and stun grenades (which sound cool, even though I have no idea what they are) and eschewing the Russian police model of violent, injury-causing beatdowns that leave protestors hospitalized. Just try to imagine if the people angry out our own president’s awful performance banded together and marched to his office……..the Beltway would be clogged for miles with millions of angry Americans. Well, we can be thankful on such occasions as this that most of the country, while recognizing W.’s total lack of intelligence and competence in office, is also incredibly apathetic when it comes to politics and anything not relating to the latest voting controversy on American Karaoke or Dancing With the D-list Stars.

- So as it turns out, blatant nepotism might not be a good thing. I know, I know, it rocked my world too, but it’s true. Giving someone, be it a family member or a significant other, a position or opportunity because of your relationship with them and nothing else seems to be upsetting to people. Take the example of the current uproar at World Bank, where President Bob Wolfowitz has created a scandal by awarding a high-paying job to his girlfriend, XXXXXXX. Now, the company’s board of directors is meeting to determine what action to take against Wolfowitz in light of the call from many employees, aid groups and politicians for Wolfowitz’s dismissal. When you’ve got politicians demanding your firing on ethical grounds, you’ve really done something despicable. Let’s just go ahead and assume from here on out that when operating at a level of business where six and seven-figure salaries are the norm, giving a job to an undeserving person simply because you’re sleeping with them is a bad idea. Your interests in the bedroom can’t take precedence over the interests of your company’s employees as shareholders, even if the woman in question is really, really hot (which in Wolfowitz’s case, she’s really not).

- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell might need to rethink this whole decision to suspend Adam “Pacman” Jones. Yes, he has been picked up by the cops a dozen times the past few years and charged in two (soon to be three cases), and yes he did neglect to notify his team and the league of two offseason arrests last year, but he did take out a full-page newspaper ad and use it to issue an open apology to the fans and to the general public. That’s right, I said he rented some ad space and had his agent write him an apology to curry some favor with the fans! Never mind the suspension; that right there just makes it all A-OK. Problem solved, he’s learned his lesson. In the apology, Pacman even says he will work to earn back everyone’s trust and that he’s sorry for what he did. Unfortunately P., everyone may not be quite as enthusiastic about your apology as I am. Some, like Mr. Goodell, are going to view it as a collection of meaningless, empty words unless and until you back those words up by not getting arrested anymore and not inciting strip club brawls that leave bouncers paralyzed. But I’m on board with Pacman, because what shows more contrition than taking out an ad and running an apology that someone else wrote for you? It tugs at the heart strings, that much is certain. Probably, though, it’s not going to have much of an effect when it comes to shortening that one-year suspension, but a nice effort nonetheless P.

- Fans of actual basketball in the form it’s supposed to be played in, with actual offensive sets being run, all five guys on the floor participating instead of standing around watching one star player try to score, without stars being treated totally differently and idiotic rules like defensive three seconds have long known that college basketball is far better than the crap-ola played in NBA. Perhaps the crowning reason for this superiority has been shown over the past few weeks, as NBA teams have openly been tanking their seasons in order to secure higher draft picks, to the extent that players such as Ryan Gomes of the Boston Celtics openly admitted that he was taken out of a game and left on the bench so lesser players could play and his team could lose the game. Teams such as the Celtics purposely lost to improve their chances in the NBA’s draft lottery, which allocates the top 14 picks in the draft to non-playoff teams using weighted ping-pong balls in a giant hopper. More losses equal more balls in the hopper, and so teams tank for a better pick. Then, you have the Minnesota Timberwolves, who managed to lose their last game of the season, at home, by 22 points to the absolute worst team in the league, the Memphis Grizzlies. What’s so significant about that, you ask, since neither team is in the playoffs? As it turns out, the Timberwolves owe the L.A. Clippers a draft pick to complete a trade made last year for guard Marko Jaric, and had the Wolves won, they would have fallen out of the top 10 in the lottery and they would have had to send that pick to the Clippers. Since Minnesota lost, though, they actually anchored themselves into the top six in the lottery and the terms of the Jaric trade say that if the pick is in that range of the draft, they don’t have to send it to L.A. In other words, by tanking their last game against an awful team, Minnesota got to keep its draft pick. The NBA, it’s Fan-tastic! Also, let me point out that in college basketball, there’s no such thing as tanking, because the goal is to be the best and to win as much as possible in order to make the postseason and have a shot at the national championship. If you’re bad, tanking does you no good because there is no draft lottery, only potential recruits who see your team sucking and decide to go elsewhere. Super job, NBA, thanks for nothing.

- It only took 200 years, but the residents of the District of Columbia may finally get representation in Congress…..or not. A bill that would award a seat in the House for D.C. citizens passed by a 241-177 vote and will now go on to the Senate, where it is expected to face substantial opposition. President Bush has already said he’ll veto it because the bill is unconstitutional, by which he means it would give an additional vote in the House to an area that is staunchly Democratic. Never mind the need for representation of citizens in Congress W., don’t let that get in the way of party favoritism. Not surprisingly, Republicans are blindly lining up behind their buffoonish leader, claiming that the Constitution’s provision for electing congressional representatives from “the several states” precludes a D.C. representative because the District of Columbia is not a state. The easiest way to solve this, of course, would be if the area in question were Republican and not mostly Democratic, because then W. would run over to Congress and sign the bill with his Mickey Mouse souvenir pen as soon as it was passed. Better luck next time, residents of our nation’s capital.

Rap won't change, pet food isn't safe and Scooter McDougle is saved.....for now

- Never let it be said that the NCAA is out of touch and behind the times. OK, so you can say exactly that because the NCAA has some of the most arcane and moronic rules known to man and fails to keep up with trends and new developments of all kinds when it comes to running its organization. Case in point, the fact that the NCAA has just now gotten around to creating a rule that regulates the ability of coaches to use text messages to contact potential recruits. For several years now, smart and technologically savvy coaches have been upgrading to the newest Blackberry and sending constant text messages to recruits because there was no limiting and no regulation of texts by the NCAA. Forward-thinking coaches like Florida football coach Urban Meyer were ahead of the game and landed prime recruits in part because of their use of text messaging. Now, the NCAA Division I management council is about to pass a new measure banning all electronic communication between coaches and recruits, with emails and faxes being exceptions as they are already regulated by other rules. Kate Hickey, the chairperson for the council, made a crack that student athletes want to see the ban enacted for their own sanity and to save themselves from ginormous text-messaging bills. Ha, good one Kate, verrrrry funny. I doubt that most student athletes are pissed about having a college coach want to recruit them so badly that they’re willing to send text messages non-stop. The reality is that some regulation was needed because coaches were abusing the no-limit policy on texts, but banning the practice altogether is excessively harsh. Leave it to the NCAA to go from lasseiz-faire to way overboard in two seconds flat.

- Enjoy having the sword of Damocles hanging over you for the next few weeks, Scooter McDougle. McDougle is the University of Toledo football player who was charged in a point-shaving scandal involving UT football and basketball players centered around a Michigan-based bookie. Federal prosecutors have temporarily dropped charges against McDougle, citing procedural reasons and the need for more time to conduct their investigation. However, it is likely that once the investigation is finished, McDougle will be charged once again and will go to trial. A spokesman for the U.S. Attorney's Office explained that McDougle likely would be indicted at a later date for taking bribes from a gambler in Sterling Heights, Mich., to alter the result of football games and recruiting teammates and members of Toledo's basketball team to the same. McDougle has been suspended from the football team following his indictment but continues to attend classes at UT. Don’t expect him to be reinstated simply because the feds decided to temporarily drop the charges against him. No, Scooter gets to spend each day going to class and trying to do the right things, all the while knowing the government is strengthening its case against him and preparing to indict him a second time. Life will be a little tougher without the cash, merchandise and groceries that the gambler, identified only as “Gary”, provided to McDougle in exchange for fixing games. Have fun with it Scooter, your days as a non-convicted felon are numbered.

- Recall time! It’s been far too many days since there was news of some food product, pet or human food, being recalled. This one is a doosy, though, so it makes up for lost time. An industrial chemical (score!) that led to a nationwide recall of 100 brands of pet food has turned up again in some pet food imported from China. Any time you can have a food contaminant that crosses national and continental lines, you’ve got something good. The presence of the chemical in Venison and Brown Rice dog foods and Venison and Green Pea cat food, both sold by Natural Balance, has resulted in a recall of those products. Personally I’d recall the dog food and let cats take their chances eating the contaminated grub, but that’s because I hate cats and have no use for them. However, Natural Balance has gone the humane route and recalled both the dog and cat food, so pet owners can consider yourselves warned.

- File this under the heading of not at all surprising. In the wake of the Don Imus firing, critics of the same hateful, bigoted speech that Imus used for the Rutgers women’s basketball team turned their ire to rap music. One of the results was a hip-hop summit in New York, bringing music-industry executives together to discuss sexist and misogynistic lyrics in rap under the leadership of Def Jam CEO Russell Simmons and his Hip-Hop Summit Action Network. Want to take a guess what groundbreaking, earth-shaking changes these executives came up with in their meeting in order to change the way rappers derisively refer to women in their lyrics? If you guessed “nothing” then you would be exactly right. Yes, a grand total of zero recommendations for change resulted from the meeting, meaning that hip-hop is going to keep doing what it’s been doing and that in a few months, when those who are currently livid and demanding change have forgotten all about the subject and gone on to other crusade against other perceived wrongs, rap lyrics will be exactly the way they are right now. Execs aren't about to impose demands and mandates on their artists and risk alienating them and losing fans who love rap the way it is, because that would negatively impact the bottom line, and ultimately that’s what music is about for those in charge of it.

- Rule #1 when receiving email messages with attachments is never, EVER download and open said attachment unless it’s from someone you know well and you are 100 percent sure that it is virus free. Anyone who’s had an email account for more than a week knows this, or so I thought. Turns out that the reason hackers in Asia were able to get into State Department computers and steal government data because a State Department employee in Asia opened a mysterious-looking email that appeared legitimate and contained a Microsoft Word attachment. Once the message was opened and the attachment downloaded, the hackers had access to government files for a limited time until some built-in safety measures severed all Internet services to State Department offices in the region. Glad to see that we are continuing our policy of allowing only our smartest, most computer-savvy federal employees to be responsible for the security of important government computer files. Whoever it was that got suckered in by this bogus email probably was playing a wicked game of computer solitaire or 3-D pinball on their desktop and barely took time to look at their emails as they opened them. Remember, kids, hackers don’t have to be incredibly smart or sophisticated as long as you continue to be clueless and oblivious. One last time: Do not open attachments from anyone that you do not know and know well and do not open attachments unless you are 105 percent sure they don’t contain any kind of Trojan horse virus.