- Maybe we should include a walking upright test as part of our selection process for the Miss America pageant. Our entrants into the Miss Universe pageant seem to have serious issues with staying upright during the contest, as evidenced by Sunday night’s broadcast on NBC in which this year’s Miss America, Crystle Stewart of Texas, tripped and fell during the evening gown competition. Her tumble follows a similar spill by last year’s U.S. entrant into Miss Universe, Rachel Smith. Two straight years, two falls in the evening gown competition. The rest of the world seems to have no problem walking and not falling, just us. Miss Venezuela Dayana Mendoza (who is really, really hot and deserved to win) did walk without falling, so props to her. She was crowned by her predecessor, Riyo Mori of Japan, who starred along with Rachel Smith in last year’s Donald Trump-run MTV reality show about pageant queens. You can’t exactly blame the location for Stewart and Smith falling, either. The 2007 Miss Universe pageant was held in Mexico City, while this year’s contest was in Vietnam. Two very different, distant nations and yet Americans can’t successfully walk in a straight line in either of them. Maybe Stewart was just extremely disoriented by that abysmal, atrocious and talentless performance by the evening’s musical act Lady GaGa, whoever she is. Is that really the best the Miss Universe could do, so no-name pop tart hack? An all-around bad night, start to finish…..
- YEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Monday was the BEST day for college basketball fans possibly ever, but the best day in 34 years to be sure. The surly, pompous, small-minded, curmudgeony ass that is Billy Packer will no longer be around to ruin the NCAA Tournament and Final Four. After a 34-year run of bitter, stodgy comments, backhanded compliments and unrestrained bile, Packer will be leaving CBS, which airs the NCAA Tournament. Packer, a color commentator with only one color - bitterness - will be replaced in CBS' coverage by analyst Clark Kellogg. “With his unquestioned popularity and performance over the years, Clark Kellogg earned all rights to this top spot,” Sean McManus, president of CBS News and Sports, said in a statement Monday. “Clark is an original voice with his own style and perspective.” Yeah, sure, whatever Sean. I really don’t care who replaces Packer, just as long as that arrogant windbag is gone. Packer will leave CBS after 27 years to pursue “other projects in basketball,” code for CBS no longer wants him and viewers hate him. His partner Jim Nantz will continue in his Final Four play-by-play role, which is fine because Nantz was never the problem. The problem was first, foremost and always Packer, whether it was his ignorant comments a few years ago ripping the inclusion of several mid-major teams in the tournament field despite admitting he knew nothing about the teams in question and hadn’t seen them play or his asinine comment early in the 2008 tournament semifinal between Kansas and North Carolina, with the Jayhawks up 38-12, when he declared, “The game is over.” No, Billy, it wasn’t over. We saw as much when North Carolina cut the lead to 54-50 with 11 minutes left before Kansas pulled away, winning 84-66. In typical, bitter-man Billy Packer style, he later defended the comment to USA Today. “My job is to say what I see, not have some kind of subconscious feelings about offending anybody. ... It probably annoyed some people, but I don't concern myself with having some agenda that's contrary to what I'm seeing,” he said. Hey ass, the problem is that you are so close-minded, arrogant, ignorant at bitter that what you see is so far off base that it offends and upsets people. They don’t want your slanted, inaccurate analysis and you can pretend you don’t care what people think of you, but the fact is that in the role of color commentator on a national broadcast, what people think of you does matter. Adios, you piece of crap, college basketball on TV will be a much, much, much, much better place without you….
- In a stunning development, the world is becoming less and less receptive to the idea of American military presence infringing on their soil without justification. First Pakistan rejects our offers to inject our troops into their country to hunt down terrorists because they believe their own forces can do the job, now the Japanese are in on the act. In fact, their displeasure with American military invasion has reached the point where it becomes a part of….Riot Watch! Yessirree, over the weekend some 13,000 Japanese rallied near Tokyo to voice their opposition to the permanent basing of a nuclear-powered U.S. warship just outside of Tokyo. The George Washington, which will soon be replacing the decommissioned USS Kitty Hawk, will be the first nuclear-powered U.S. Navy warship to be permanently stationed in the Land of the Rising Sun. A small fire on the ship earlier in the week for some odd reason gave the Japanese the impression that it wasn’t safe, which is just plain crazy. So a nuclear-powered ship caught on fire, what’s the worst thing that could….oh, that. Well, it’s not like America has ever been responsible for a major nuclear incident on Japanese…..oh, wait, we have. Yeah, I would have to agree with those protesting Japanese and say that this might not be the best idea. I’d argue that to up the quality of their protest they should have set something on fire, but the U.S. Navy appears to have beaten them to it.
- Welcome to 1985! Wait..wha-, you’re saying it’s 2008? Then what the hell are 50,000 people packing Central Park’s Great Lawn to see ‘80s hair metal rockers Bon Jovi perform for? The concert took place at 8 p.m. Saturday as part of the festivities leading up to the Major League Baseball All-Star Game tonight. The concert was supposedly a free one, but as I so rightly predicted the instant it was announced that tens of thousands of free tickets would be given away, many made their way onto eBay where they sold for as much as $1,500 a pair. This came even after a directive from concert organizers that the tickets were not intended to be resold. A total of 60,000 ducats were given out and it was estimated that more than 50,000 people actually showed up. The remaining few thousand people are probably still circling downtown Manhattan, trying to find a place to park, so don’t be too hard on them. Those who did make it to the show cam early, with some losers lining up as much as six hours before the show to see a band that hasn’t been musically relevant in more than a decade. Bon Jovi kicked off the show, which capped a lengthy tour for the aging rockers, with the classic “Livin’ on a Prayer” from 1986’s Slippery When Wet. By all accounts, the crowd was well-behaved and no major incidents were reported, which has to be considered a victory. Maybe next time, though, it’ll be possible to find a band that’s actually had a hit this decade to perform…..
- Arguing against security measures at the Summer Olympics is a bad play, mostly because with so many people from such diverse backgrounds and ethnicities converging on a city, it’s bound to be a target for whackos and terrorists looking to make their mark. You need to keep a close eye on everyone to ensure that no one blows anything up, commits mass murder, etc. I get that, which is why I don’t have an argument against the decision to ban guns and ammunition, crossbows and daggers. Can’t say as I’ve ever known anyone who packs a crossbow to attend a sporting event (they’re tough to fit into a backpack), but whatever. On the restricted list are things like musical instruments, flags of countries and regions not participating either in the Olympics or Paralympics, long-handled umbrellas, animals (except for guide dogs) and wireless devices. Those too are fine, I guess. Where I start to have a problem is when the Chinese government issues reminders like the one it sent out Monday about fan behavior and security issues. They are preaching “civilized behavior” that includes no spitting, standing politely in line, and be polite to other nationalities. No spitting? With the algae-choked waters and toxic, soot-laden air in your city, the spit people spew out onto the sidewalk would be the least polluted thing in Beijing. Should you not be more concerned with making sure that athletes aren't blowing black soot out of their noses after competing? Maybe you want to worry about not having algae-choked waters impeding sailing events in Qingdao and not so much on whether Joe from New Jersey or Pierre from France is hocking a loogie on the sidewalk outside the butt-ugly gymnastics venue. So people like Zhang Zhenliang, a Beijing organizing committee official, need to stop saying things like the behavior rules are being “aimed at maintaining an orderly, civilized and peaceful environment at competition venues.” And do you really need to drop a ban on radioactive materials? Is that something you need to specify? No one is packing their travel-size nuclear reactor to take to the track and field finals, amigo. Yes sir, these are going to be some interesting (read here: disastrous) Olympics….
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