Sunday, July 27, 2008

A conspiracy theme for poisoning, sleeping while holding missile launch codes and E! corners the market on an undesirable reality TV topic

- The momentumum (yes, I made a new word) of a record-setting opening weekend doesn’t appear to have worn off for “The Dark Knight.” In its second weekend, the film that possesses the rare combination of actually being good and being heavily hyped/promoted broke another set of records and set itself up to break even more in the days and weeks ahead. For this weekend alone, the movie brought in a haul of $75.6 million, which would be a fantastic opening weekend for 99.999 percent of movies. That amount pushed its domestic earnings to a whopping $314.2 million, making it the fastest ever to reach the $300 million mark. The record was previously held by “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men’s Chest,” which took 16 days to reach that total as opposed to a mere 10 for “Dark Knight.” And for a second straight weekend, “Dark Knight” shattered IMAX earnings records as well, taking in $16.3 million over its first 10 days. That’s a new record and it could be followed by yet another when “Dark Knight” reaches the $400 million earnings mark in a projected 18 days, reaching that milestone approximately 25 days before the previous record holder, “Shrek 2,” which did so in 43 days. In other words, people really, really like “The Dark Knight” and a lot of people are going to see it more than once. Stay tuned for more broken records every weekend this movie remains in theaters…..

- When you love and celebrate an athlete, actor, musician, etc. for being a certain way or having a certain personality, you can’t turn around and rip them for doing something that lives up to that persona. A prime example of that would be a rock star sporting the prototypical rock star attitude and telling everyone to f’off and eventually having you as one of the people they treat like crap when you ask them for an autograph and they’re a complete dick to you. Same goes for everyone’s favorite space-cadet outfielder,
Manny Ramirez of the Boston Red Sox. Pretty much every year since signing his 8-year contract with Boston, ManRam and the team have been unhappy with one another and gone through a saga of him wanting a trade or the team wanting to trade him. In 2004, the Sox actually placed him on waivers, meaning any team could claim him as long as it took on his contract. No team bit, so ManRam remained in Boston and it’s been a non-stop thrill ride ever since. ManRam refuses to play on his promised day off even when the team is shorthanded and desperately needs him, he comes up with fishy sounding injuries and needs time off, etc. Now comes this latest round of sniping from ManRam, directed at the team he’s currently trying to help defend its World Series title. “I'm tired of them. They're tired of me,” Ramirez said, before Sunday night's 9-2 victory over the New York Yankees. In an interview earlier Sunday, Ramirez said he will not block a trade if the Red Sox can make one. “If the Red Sox are a better team without Manny Ramirez, they should trade me; I will not object,” he said. If this were almost anyone else, we might have something significant to talk about here. But since it’s ManRam, it’s basically business as usual. Red Sox owner John Henry seems to feel the same way, responding to Manny’s comments with, “We are concentrating on one thing -- a playoff spot.” And of course, what does ManRam do but follow up those comments by going out and getting three hits, including two doubles, scoring two runs and driving in two more in Sunday night’s win. He’s hitting .302 with 16 home runs and 65 RBIs this season, so he’s still a productive member of the lineup. This whole round of dissent began he missed the two previous games in the Yankees series due to pain in his right knee, pain that led to MRI exams on both knees that revealed no injuries. There were reports in the Boston media that the team was planning to take disciplinary action against Ramirez if he did not return to the lineup,
It was also suggested that Red Sox management might consider trading ManRam before Thursday's deadline. Trade him or not (I’m betting the house on not), this will be Manny’s last season with the team. His contract contains two team options for each of the next two seasons at $20 million per, so count on Boston declining the option for next year and moving on. Some new city will get their turn with ManRam, so line up now for your shot at an eccentric, moody, temperamental, mashing outfielder at the tail end of his career….

- Can Pam Anderson really be a simple house guest and nothing more? If you believe the top-heavy former Baywatch star, the answer is yes. While her new SoCal mansion is still under construction, Pam and her two sons - Dylan, 10 and Brandon, 12 - are shacking up with her former husband and sex tape partner Tommy Lee. The couple’s main claim to fame is the release of their honeymoon sex tape on the Internet, but even their messy divorce hasn’t totally soured Anderson on the idea of them being together. She concedes it’s unlikely, not impossible. “We’re better off friends,” she explained. So the plan is to crash with the ex while construction wraps up, hopefully before Pammy starts work on her new reality series for E!, which is apparently desperate to corner to market on aging, big-rack-sporting actresses with kids who have gone through ugly divorces. They’ve already got Denise Richards and with Anderson’s series Pam: Girl on the Loose set to premiere in August, things are looking good for the network pathetic enough to give that teeth-bleaching, tip-frosting, man-blouse-wearing loser Ryan Seacrest a hosting gig….

- Who doesn’t feel better knowing that not one, not two, but three separate ballistic missile crew members in North Dakota fell asleep this month while holding classified launch code devices? I know that nothing comforts me more than the knowledge that those entrusted with the security of codes to some of our nation’s most powerful weapons can't even stay awake on the job. The National Security Agency and military experts have launched an investigation into the incidents, which I’m sure will be completed in a timely fashion. After all, when has a government panel-run investigation not been conducted in an efficient, timely fashion? But I look forward to a fascinating, 100-page report on the actual physics and biological factors of why these idiots were sleeping on the job. Apparently part of the hiring process for these positions needs to be making sure that applicants can stay awake at their desk for a full eight hours……

-Conspiracy theories are awesome, just awesome. Nothing makes me smile quite like hearing a wronged person spin an elaborate yarn about how there’s a vast, intricate plot to do them in. It doesn’t matter if it’s a matter of great historical or political importance or just an average, run-of-the-mill conspiracy theory involving ordinary people; they’re all a barrel of fun. So you can imagine that when I heard that Russian President Viktor Yushchenko was accusing the godfather of one of his own children and member of his own political party of involvement in his near-fatal poisoning, I was pumped. Granted, Yushchenko hasn’t yet provided any actual evidence that David Zhvania was in any way responsible for the poisoning and supposed plot behind it, but let’s not dwell on the minor details. The fact is that someone hit him with that near-toxic dose of dioxin and it might aed, Yushchenko hasn’t yet provided any actual evidence that David Zhvania was in any way responsible for the poisoning and supposed plot behind it, but let’s not dwell on the minor details. The fact is that someone hit him with that near-toxic dose of dioxin and it might as well be part of a shady conspiracy. To be fair, Yushchenko hasn’t yet provided any actual evidence that David Zhvania was in any way responsible for the poisoning and supposed plot behind it, but let’s not dwell on the minor details. The fact is that someone hit him with that near-toxic dose of dioxin and it might as well be part of an elaborate conspiracy to take him out. If this turns out to be a boring, plain ol’ accidental poisoning, I’m going to be pissed. So keep making your wild, crazy claims and pushing this story, Viktor, I’m with you 100 percent…..

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