- When attempting to jump-start a lackluster NFL career that has failed to live up to the lofty expectations that come with being a first-round draft pick, getting busted for cocaine possession may not be the best tactic. Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Matt Jones came into the NFL as a quarterback being converted to receiver, a physical freak with blazing speed, an out-of-this-world vertical leap and the kind of raw talent that makes coaches drool. One skill that I couldn’t find listed on draft reports was his ability to cut rails of coke in the back seat of a Toyota 4-Runner in a dark parking lot. Thanks to two intrepid Arkansas police officers, Jones’ proficiency at that particular skill remains a mystery. Early Thursday morning, Jones and two friends were sitting in their SUV in an unlit parking lot located in what police have termed “a known drug area.” One of the officers observed Jones holding a white card with a white powder on it in one hand and a credit card in the other hand. Confident that Jones wasn’t measuring out sugar for his famous peanut butter cookie recipe, the police stormed the car and one of them told Jones to show his hands. Whether he yelled “Hand check!” or not, I don’t know. What I do know is that Jones didn’t immediately show his hands to the officer and instead reached downward, likely trying to hide whatever was in his hand. Good move, Matt. The cops won't see that or be suspicious at all. After apprehending all three occupants of the vehicle, the officers searched its interior and found a white powder that lab tests revealed to be cocaine and also a jar with marijuana residue. No word on whose bong it was, but Jones looks to be getting the harshest treatment here. He’s been charged with felony possession of a controlled substance, something that isn't likely to endear him to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and his new player conduct policy. Way to make good use of your offseason, Matt, you’re well on your way to a stellar 2008 campaign…for the prison football team, that is.
- Who hasn’t asked themselves the proverbial age-old question, “Just how much processed meat can I shove down my pants?” It’s a quandary I think we’ve all faced but most of us are too timid (i.e. not nearly stupid enough) to try to answer. Not Christopher Penn, the man who finally tackled this question by shoving eight t-bone steaks down his pants and attempting to walk out of Cincinnati-area grocery store with the thieved t-bones. Penn, 41 allegedly stuffed eight T-bones down his pants at a Marsh supermarket, selecting the packages of meat, then packing them against his 215-pound body and trying to walk out of the Colerain Township store just after 7 p.m. For some reason, store security was suspicious of a man whose pants were clearly jammed full of something other than his own body and stopped him. A quick search revealed $77.29 worth of steak in his pants and Penn pleaded guilty to theft charges. For his steak shenanigans, a judge has ordered him to serve 60 days in jail. Not one of the most well-crafted thefts, I have to say. Either Penn has a brass pair and thought he could really get away with walking out of the store with his bulging pants or he has an IQ of 48 and is what some people call mentally retarded. Either way, best of success trying to explain that to your fellow inmates and not getting your ass kicked for it, Chris…
- Here’s hoping you weren’t one of those who camped out at stores around the world waiting for the release of the new iPhone model. Sadly, if you were one of those people, I’m forced to inform you that you are a pathetic loser. Unless you’re in a Third World country and you’re in line for food because there is a massive shortage and your government is rationing foodstuffs to its people, you should not spend more than a couple of hours in line for any product. Nothing is worth spending days camping outside of a store or other business for - NOTHING. Yet there were scenes like the one outside of NTT DoCoMo’s central store in downtown Tokyo, where more than 800 dorks camped out so they could be among the first to throw away what will ultimately be thousands of dollars on a new iPhone and the accompanying service plan. The rollout of the new phone took place yesterday in 22 countries around the world, with the phone becoming available to U.S. consumers at 8 a.m. in their local time zone. Apparently all of these idiots forgot that when the iPhone was unveiled the last time, it was a ginormous disappointment that was significantly flawed and underwhelmed the majority of those who purchased it. So it is that mass quantities of mental rejects threw away days of their time to stand in line and camp out overnight for the chance to throw away more money at a new iPhone that will have its own set of aggravating, frustrating flaws. Well done, everyone….
- Thursday was not a proud day for Ohioans. When several of our own take place in something as perverted and disturbing as a Double Stuf Oreo Lick Race, it’s a black day for the Buckeye state. The race was part of Oreo’s twisted campaign spearheaded by siblings and Super Bowl-winning NFL quarterbacks Peyton and Eli Manning. The brothers Manning started the disgusting lick racing on a commercial last year, busting open Oreo cookies while decked out in headbands, workout gear, etc. and attempting to lick their way to victory in the Double Stuf Racing League. If you’re under the age of 14, this probably isn't quite so disturbing, but anyone who is in high school or older doesn’t need to mental image of two dudes having a lick race. The race was turned into a national contest with a $10,000 prize and Dallas Davis Sr. and Dallas Davis Jr., two firefighters from Dayton, Ohio won the contest. Several other competitors were also from Ohio, meaning we have far too many people who like lick races in our state. If I never see that Manning lick-race commercial again, it’ll be too soon. Stop having lick races and stick to non-pervy commercials, Oreo…
- Our friends south of the border have been dicked over by W. for pretty much his entire term in office. Building ginormous walls to keep them out, making it tougher to gain citizenship, etc., they’ve all become realities under W.’s inept leadership. Well, score another one for anti-foreigner sentiment as the Senate Appropriations Committee voted 20-9 this week to block a pilot program that would give Mexican trucks greater access to U.S. highways. Opponents of the program claim it will erode highway safety and threaten U.S. jobs, making liberal use of two magic buzz words that are guaranteed to create panic and outrage. However, the language used in blocking the program was attached to a transportation spending bill that is unlikely to be enacted before W. mercifully leaves office in January. Hey, I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t we skip erecting that big new section of fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico and put up something more appropriate, perhaps a 30-foot-tall middle-fingered salute to ram home the message to Mexicans that they’re not welcome? That would do the trick….
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