- I have a new least-favorite member of the United States Senate. The name of this particular ass hat is Sen. John Warner, R-Va. Sen. Warner is under the mistaken impression that Congress needs to butt in and revive a law that was equally idiotic back in 1974 when it was put into place before being smartly repealed. This a-hole is suggesting that Congress look into imposing a national speed limit, just like the 55 mph limit that was wrongfully enacted more than three decades ago. While the sentiment of helping to address rising fuel and energy costs is swell, Congress needs to f’off in this matter. You should not be legislating to Americans what speed they can drive because you think it will help them curb their energy costs. That’s their decision, amigo. It’s one thing that we have a speed limit set for safety’s sake; even that sucks, but at least it has a viable reasoning behind it. That 55 mph limit was taken off the books in 1995 when oil dropped to $17 a barrel and gas was $1.10 a gallon, but you’re begging if you think that going back to that strategy is going to fix the current gas price crisis. So quit asking Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman to look into what speed limit would provide maximum gasoline efficiency with today’s technology and get back to stuffing pork barrel projects into war funding bills and taking leisurely vacations on taxpayer dollars, senator. You suck, Warner, and you are now officially the member of Congress I’m most likely to punch in the face if I meet them on the street….
- Memo to you, unidentified 41-year-old German man who bolted into Berlin’s Madame Toussaud’s wax museum, ripped the head off of an Adolf Hitler waxwork and was subsequently arrested: If you’re going to pull that stunt, go all the way. Once you rip that head off, you can spike it like you just scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl and do a touchdown dance, you can punt it like a soccer ball and do a celebratory stunt like soccer players do after big goals or you can shove a firecracker down inside that thing and blow it up. What you can’t do is meekly surrender to police and get hauled off to jail as part of some weak social protest. According to police, this tool entered the museum shortly after it opened and “made for the Hitler figure.” He then scuffled with the guard protecting the faux genocide-starter and the museum’s manager before wriggling free and managing to rip the head off of the figure. However, his getaway plan was as shoddy as the initial stages of the plot and the thief was captured shortly thereafter. When questioned by police, he stated that his actions were a protest against the inclusion of the Hitler waxwork in the museum’s collection. I agree with that sentiment, what with Hitler being quite possibly the worst person ever to walk the face of the Earth and presiding over the largest genocide ever, but this was a weak attempt to condemn his legacy. No one loves a good protest, riot or demonstration more than I do, but this wasn’t good in any way. It was slapstick, amateurish protesting at its worst and this man should be ashamed of himself. I know I am and I’ve never even met him….
- Well lookee here, we have actual proof of vote-rigging in the recently completed Zimbabwean runoff election to choose the country’s new president. Secret video recorded by a prison guard in the central prison in Zimbabwe’s capital city of Harare shows the guard and four of his fellow guards being summoned to an office within the prison where a member of President Bob Mugabe’s ZANU-PF party is waiting. The prison guards are instructed by the ZANU-PF representative to vote via postal ballot and he then records their ballot numbers and who they vote for. The ZANU-PF honk even goes so far as to show one guard how to fold his ballot and place it in an envelope for him. “The atmosphere in the room seems benign,” says a voiceover on the tape, recorded by the guard who filmed the scene and has since fled the country. “But it’s deceptive. The ZANU-PF supporter has the power to condemn them as MDC supporters.” MDC stands for Movement for Democratic Change, Zimbabwe’s leading opposition group and the ones who had their candidate, Morgan Tsvangirai, elected in the initial election before Mugabe clouded the election results by manipulating ballot counts. Tsvangirai was then run out of the country and when he returned to campaign for the runoff election, he was harassed and detained every day before backing out of the election because he felt his presence in it would endanger the lives of his supporters (which it would have). This video is a rare commodity because even though everyone knows how corrupt and sham-like the election process is in Zimbabwe, actual evidence of it is hard to find. British newspaper The Guardian posted the video on its website and hopefully this will provide further impetus for the total invalidation of Mugabe’s reelection and his brutal, repressive, human-rights-abusing regime.
- Coaches love players they can count on. Ideally that means players they can count on to do the right thing, but many times you can’t be too choosy about it. So University of Louisville football coach Steve Kragthorpe is just going to have to appreciate the remarkable (and remarkably stupid) consistency of wide receiver JaJuan Spillman, who was charged with driving under the influence, possession of marijuana, carrying a concealed weapon and having no insurance after being stopped at 12:08 a.m. Thursday, because of an unilluminated license plate. Spillman allegedly did not pull over right away, and when he did, the 21-year-old smelled of marijuana and failed a field sobriety test. To top off his stellar night, police found a marijuana cigarette and a .25-caliber pistol with one round in the chamber in Spillman’s car. This incident would be bad enough, but when you couple it with the fact that Spillman has already faced this exact same sort of charge before, the level of stupidity astounds you. Back in January 2007, the junior receiver was charged with DUI and possession of marijuana. Over an 18-month span, two DUI arrests with weed found in the car. This time, Spillman stepped it up a notch with the loaded, illegal weapon and no insurance, so he’s clearly learning as he goes. Better still, the arrest came just one month after Spillman pleaded guilty to the marijuana possession charge stemming from his arrest on Jan. 31, 2007. Because of that incident, Spillman was suspended for most of the 2007 season, so you might think he would be working hard to keep his name clean in order to get back on the field. Clearly you can rely on him, but unfortunately you can only rely on him to be a moron and to do the wrong thing at the wrong time. Something tells me that Spillman can also count on something - being kicked off the UL football team…..
- I’m envious of Kent Couch of Bend, Oregon. I wish that I too had the luxury of being a well-off moron with the time and funding to strap myself to a lawn chair, tie 150 large helium balloons to it and attempt to fly 230 miles from my hometown to the middle of Idaho. Couch departed Oregon Saturday morning with a push from his ground crew, drifting upward into the morning sky clutching a mug of coffee. He rode the prevailing wind eastward to McCall, Idaho. The physics of the trip were simple: each balloon gave Couch four pounds of lift, so he factored in his souped-up, 400-pound chair and the 200 pounds that he and his parachute added to the equation. He also carried a Red Ryder BB gun and a blowgun equipped with steel darts so he could pop a balloon occasionally and keep himself from drifting too high. This was his third attempt at the voyage, with the 2006 attempt ending with Couch parachuting out after popping too many balloons and the 2007 trek ending 193 miles short of the destination. The $6,000 cost of the mission was partially defrayed by sponsors because let’s face it, who doesn’t want to get publicity from sponsoring an idiot attempting a pointless stunt that isn't all that impressive? If only I could afford to be that moron…..
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