- It’s always been my opinion that people who engage in acts of road rage are morons. They’re the low man on the intelligence totem pole of society; the losers who get so bent out of shape that they shoot at, attempt to run off the road or otherwise assault their fellow motorists. If you’re dumb enough that you can get hooked by another driver and upset to the point that you either leave your vehicle to get at them or attempt to turn your vehicle into a weapon to fight back, I’d say that makes you an imbecile. I’d say that if you commit just one act of road rage, so what does that make Phillip Alexander, 30, of Detroit? He just may be in the running for chief of the idiots after forcing 10 vehicles off the road before crashing his own last July. He was sentenced this week to 13 to 20 years in prison for the incident, which wasn’t all that surprising when you consider that Alexander’s license had been suspended 22 freaking times before this outburst. Safe to say that not only is he not very intelligent, he also has serious anger issues. At this point, it’s tough to tell which is a bigger problem, the stupidity or the anger issues. I’ll go with the stupidity because to paraphrase a great quote, ignorance can be educated, mental problems counseled….but stupid lasts forever. Enjoy prison, Phil, you need the time off from society…..
- Will Smith done done it again, y’all. Mr. Fourth of July has taken home the top spot at the box office on this holiday weekend for a fifth time with his new movie “Hancock.” Following in the footsteps of “Men in Black” and its sequel, along with “Independence Day” and “Wild Wild West,” Smith’s newest project about a cantankerous, alcoholic, bitter superhero who dresses like a hobo topped the earnings list for the holiday weekend with $66 million to raise its total earnings thus far to an impressive $107.3 million. In so doing, it bumped the previous weekend’s earning leader “WALL-E” to second place with a weekend take of $33.4 million. That was still good enough to push PIXAR’s latest animated flick over the $100 million mark at $128.1 million. In spite of those numbers, it was a down weekend for the top 12 movies as for the first time in a month, they failed to top the earnings from the same weekend last year. During last year’s Fourth of July weekend, the top 12 films earned 4 percent more and were led by “Transformers” at $70.5 million. So I don’t know what you were up to over the long holiday weekend, America, but apparently many of you weren’t going to the movies….
- Selecting the final member of the American and National League All-Star teams by an online fan vote has become a cool tradition in Major League Baseball. For the past few seasons, MLB has selected five outstanding players who didn’t make the team by fan or peer voting, picking them once the rosters for each league are selected. Those five American and National League players are then put in a competition at MLB.com where fans can select one of them from each league to fill out the All-Star rosters. It’s an idea I like, but this year I’m torn on how to vote for the American League side of the equation. On one hand, the most deserving player statistically is probably Tampa Bay third baseman Evan Longoria, a stellar rookie hitting .281 for MLB’s surprising best team and playing amazing defense at third base. He seems like the obvious choice….until you consider that New York Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi is also on the ballot. Going on the numbers, Longoria has him beat. Longoria’s average is much higher (.281 to .256, the home run numbers (16 for Longoria, 18 for Giambi and RBI (53-52 in favor of Giambi) are comparable and whereas Longoria is a stud defensively, Giambi can more accurately be described as a liability in the field. Still, there’s something pulling me in Giambi’s direction…..his world-class porn ‘stache. The Giambino grew the ‘stache for the same reason players in all sports growing ugly facial hair, wear the same socks or underwear every game or eat the same pregame meal every day: the break out of a slump. The ‘stache must have done the trick because with it, Giambi has been crushing the ball. When you team that thing with the golden thong he is known to sport that also has flames on the waistband, dude should be appearing in a film with Shannon Tweed and Jenna Jameson any day now. If he can rock the golden, flame-crested thong AND the HOF porn ‘stache, I have to throw my support behind him for the All-Star team. That ‘stache is too awesome to sit at home while baseball’s best take the field at Yankee Stadium.
- The lottery is, was and always will be a tax on stupidity. Those who throw money at it are inexplicably dumb, suckered in by pipe dreams of striking in rich and making their miserable lives worthwhile. The odds are so astronomically bad that literally tens of millions of people throw away money trying to win the lottery. Among the worst offenders are those freaking scratch-off tickets that all of the a-holes in line at the gas station are buying and giving step-by-step instructions to the attendant on which ones they are while I wait behind them because for the umpteenth time, the damn printer at the pump didn’t work and give me my receipt. But I digress….people throw away so much money on scratch-off tickets that it’s mind-blowing. As it turns out, those tickets were even more of a sucker’s bet in the state of Virginia and now one sucker, er, concerned citizen wants some payback. Scott Hoover, a business professor at Washington and Lee University in Virginia, was stupidly suckered into buying a $5 scratch-off ticket for the “Beginner’s Luck” game offered by the Virginia State Lottery. Predictably, Hoover didn’t win and that fact didn’t surprise him. What did piss him off was when he somehow learned that the $75,000 grand prize for the game had already been awarded a month before he was dumb enough to throw away $5 on a ticket. In other words, he had no chance at winning the biggest prize for the game he was playing, a prize he was ostensibly buying a ticket to win. Because the state continued to sell tickets for “Beginner’s Luck” and other lottery games even after their respective grand prizes had already been won, Hoover is suing the state for breach of contract and seeking to make it pay $85 million in damages. That’s the amount Virginia made in ticket sales for games in which the grand prize was already gone, but Hoover and anyone supporting him will have to excuse me if I laugh at their cause and tell them to take a hike. You’re enough of a dope to buy a ticket to any lottery, you forfeit all rights to your money whether you lost it legitimately or in a case like this one. Just as jumping an airport fence, bolting past security and running out into the middle of a busy airport runway where you are then clipped by a speeding jumbo jet means you forfeit your right to blame the airline for your death, buying a lottery ticket means you don’t get to complain about anything related to said lottery now or ever. You don’t want to get cheated out of your money…..don’t buy the freaking scratch-off ticket.
- Amazingly, reality TV loser Andrew Firestone didn’t find love on the dumbest, most inane reality show around, The Bachelor. He appeared on whichever season of that lame-ass chick-flick show aired in 2003 and although he ended up “finding the love of his life” in one of the desperate, attention-starved bimbos on the show, they were broken up within a few months and once again, everyone marveled that a couple thrown together on a reality TV dating show just couldn’t work things out. Yet Firestone just got married this past weekend, landing model Ivana Bozilovic and doing quite well for himself in the process. So let’s review….on a contrived, artificial reality dating show, relationship doesn’t work. Looks for, finds and dates a girl in real life, ends up getting married. Call me crazy, but could it be true that finding the love of your life works much better without slamming your search into some fake, phony mating ritual crammed into the context of a reality TV show? This could revolutionize our society……
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