- This should be really interesting. A lying, cheating, not especially bright, disgraced former track star appealing to the dumbest, most inept, worst president in United States history for a commutation of her sentence on convictions for lying to the authorities about using performance-enhancing drugs and taking part in a check-fraud scam. Marion Jones, the gap-toothed former sprinter who is now staring down a six-month federal prison sentence and is looking to get out of it. Hey M., and is looking to get out of it. Hey M., memo to you: no one wants to go to prison. That’s why it’s called prison, idiot. But you committed a crime, a crime for which you were found guilty and when you commit certain crimes, you go to prison. You not wanting to go there doesn’t entitle you to a commuted sentence, you arrogant wench. For the love of God, it’s only six months! I know they say in prison time seems to move much slower, but it’s six f’ing months! Suck it up, don your ugly blue or orange prison jumpsuit and shuffle on down to the rec room with the rest of the inmates. It’s federal prison, not San Quentin. You’re not in with convicted murderers and serial rapists; your cellmates will be women guilty of crimes like tax fraud, identity theft and perjury. Our president may be a mentally stunted idiot with the IQ of a turnip, but even he’s not going to let you off the hook for your crimes…at least I don’t think so….
- It wasn’t just a record-breaking weekend for the stars of “The Dark Knight,” it was also a law-breaking opening weekend. While his new film was shattering every box office mark in sight, Christian Bale was having trouble with a villain of his own - his temper. Back in his native country for the European premiere of the latest Batman flick, Bale was arrested Tuesday on charges that he assaulted his sister and mother at the Dorchester Hotel in England Sunday night. According to police reports, the two women came to them to complain about the alleged assault but they did not arrest Bale before Tuesday because they didn’t want to interfere with the big movie premiere. Nice to know that it’s not just here in America that famous people receive preferential treatment, isn't it? I don’t know what happened here and making a definitive judgment on it before the facts are in would be stupid, but I will say that it’s clear some sort of physicality happened between Bale, his mother and his sister and that’s just a douche bag move on his part. It doesn’t matter if it was a minor family disagreement that is being blown out of proportion; you don’t use physical force on family members unless you’re both under the age of 13 and the dispute is over something stupid like who was playing with whose Nintendo DS. You may be the star of what may end up as the highest-earning movie ever, but you don’t get to rough up family members with impunity….
- See, these are the problems you run into when stealing a ginormous bronze horse statue. I myself would be thieving one of these equine works of art every week if not for the never-ending troubles you face when you try and sell your acquisition. I just don’t have any desire to put myself in the position that Ian MacDonald of Cherry Hill, N.J. now finds himself in. MacDonald decided that it would be a good idea to heist a 1-ton bronze statue of a horse from a racetrack near his home. Ironically, the actual theft of the statue was the best part of his plan; from there, things went to hell. Once he and his boys had gotten the statue and taken it from the track, the next step was breaking it down into smaller pieces and selling it to a salvage yard. Unfortunately for my man Ian, at the rate he was getting from the salvage yard, he would have made about $4,000. The estimated value for the horse as a piece of art? In the neighborhood of $500,000, give or take a bit. Yes, this ass clown was working with a negative 124,000-percent margin in terms of what he was getting versus the value of the statue. Well done, bro, well done. Again, this is why ginormous bronze horse statues aren't something you want to be stealing…..
- This should really bolster your case for the right to own guns, gun rights activists. Ten members of the whack-job group www.OpenCarry.org decided that the best way to lobby for the right to pack heat in the state of Idaho would be to strap on their weapons and head to the zoo. This wonderful situation happened Saturday when these gun whackos came to Zoo Boise packing heat and looking to make a statement. Mission accomplished. You made a statement, that statement being, “Hey, we’re a bunch of insane, irresponsible morons who bring firearms to a place where hundreds of kids and families come to a time of fun an relaxation.” Seriously, did you non consider the fact that you were injecting potentially deadly weapons into an environment where many young children were? I know your argument would probably be that you are responsible with your guns and know how to use them, but that doesn’t fly. You’re putting guns into a setting where too much could go wrong and there are a lot of people around you who don’t know how to use guns. Furthermore, what if someone else in the park has a weapon and they’re some 18-year-old punk gang member? What happens if they pull their 9mm because one of you cuts in front of them in line and a firefight breaks out? Unfortunately, zoo policy didn’t prevent these morons from entering the premises, so they were allowed in for their “protest.” Next time, slam a drawing of a gun on a placard, affix it to a long wooden stick, slam some pro-gun rhetoric on that sign and walk in circles outside the gate, you losers.
- Seems our allies in the Iraq war are much, much smarter than we are here in America. By America, I of course mean the joker we call our president, because he’s the one keeping us there when we never should have gone in the first place. But over in Britain, Prime Minister Gordon Brown seems to grasp the concept of getting his country’s forces out of someone else’s country before they really overstay their welcome. In a speech to the House of Commons Monday, Brown stated that by the beginning of 2009, Britain will be withdrawing at least a portion of its 4,100 troops from Iraq. He promised that his government will “continue to reduce the number of troops in Iraq” as progress is made, progress based largely on the British military’s ability to transition security duties over to the Iraqis. Of course, the U.S. has many more troops in Iraq, so pulling them out will take longer. However, you can’t finish if you won’t f’ing start, W. Take a hint from your buddy Gordon Brown and set a firm timetable for getting our fighting men and women out of a place they have no right to be.
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