Saturday, July 26, 2008

Iran hates being second, two drunks on one flight and a summer of abysmal music for kids

- Iran will not stand for being second best, not when it comes to how many people it executes in a given calendar year. Last year, the Iranians took their eyes off the prize and the same damn people who are coming for everything else of value in the world by virtue of their sheer numbers, the Chinese, seized the top spot by executing 470 people. Iran only managed 317, leaving them with a lot of work to do in 2008 if they hope to get back to the top. Tomorrow should go a long way toward that end, with 30 convicted criminals set to be executed in one of the bloodiest days you’ll see all year in terms of executions anywhere in the world. All 30 individuals have been tried and convicted by the country’s highest judicial authorities, so the verdicts are final, no appeals, refunds or exchanges. Their crimes include murder, murder in the commission of a crime, disturbing public safety and security and illegal relationships, i.e. sexual relationships between unmarried people. So come Monday when the Execution Top 25 polls roll out for the week, don’t be surprised if Iran has seized that top spot and are the world’s top executioners once again…..

- If there’s one thing I can get with unequivocally, it’s opposing smoking. If you smoke, you are a loser. Sorry if that offends you, but you’re drastically upping your chances for lung cancer, you’re doing the same for anyone who breathes in that toxic crap from your cancer sticks, you’re turning your skinny leathery and green, you’re stinking up any vehicle or room you occupy and you’re wrecking your overall health….and all for what? A small hit of nicotine? That’s the worst deal since the last time anyone paid to see Milli Vanilli in concert, maybe even beyond. So when two of the world’s wealthiest men decide to band together and put some of their fortunes toward stamping out the menace that is smoking, you know I’m down. A big salute to billionaires Bill Gates and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who are teaming up against smoking by pooling $375 million to combat the problem on a global level. The two men announced earlier this week that their efforts will be targeted at developing nations, where tobacco use is highest and educational level about the dangers of smoking is at the lowest. This is a great cause and one I hope more billionaires will get behind……

- EliteXC returned to CBS tonight and to be honest…it was kinda boring. A couple months ago, mixed martial arts made their debut on network TV with a controversial night in which overhyped bruiser Kimbo Slice fought and defeated James “The Colossus” Thompson by basically exploding the giant cantaloupe posing as Thompson’s left ear. That fight capped off a so-so night of fights that was fairly exciting but not overwhelmingly great. This time around, there was no Kimbo. There were guys like Shawn Smith and Robbie Lawler and chicks with made-up-sounding names like Cristiane Cyborg. Also, there was plenty of rolling around on the mat, clutching and grabbing. The bouts were slow-paced and not that exciting, definitely not great TV. When two competitors spend most of the match rolling around like two fighting siblings battling for control of the remote, you can consider that a bad night of TV. Once again, it is important to note that hardcore MMA fans will tell you loudly and repeatedly that EliteXC is not a top-tier MMA league, but right now it is the most visible to the general public and to casual fans who might become interested in the sport if they see and like it. For that reason, “Saturday Night Fights” on CBS is a show that is doing more damage than good for the sport of mixed martial arts here in the United States.

- Does no one care about the children? Everyone claims to, but then you step back and take it all in and you have to wonder. No, I’m not talking about drugs, drinking, gang violence, education or even the dismal future of our economy and Social Security. What I am referring to is the deplorable state of music that is being force-fed to our nation’s youth. If you’re not currently dwelling in a cave (and if you’re reading this, odds are you aren't - my cave readership levels have really plummeted lately), you know what I’m referring to. Two of the highest-grossing artists of the summer and two artists who will have released new albums and gone on major tours by summer’s end are none other than Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Let me repeat that: Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers are two of the biggest musical acts of the summer. What are we doing here, people? Cyrus is a wannabe pop tart singing milk-and-toast mainstream pop music about the travails of high school life and the Jonas Brothers are…well, a trio of overly coiffed siblings who have about as much of an edge as a band as the Wiggles. I get that not all music is fit for consumption by kids, but there are plenty of alternatives that fall somewhere in the continuum of content between these two acts and Korn or Jay-Z. Groups like Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, Weezer, Death Cab for Cutie, Cribs, Tokyo Police Club, What Made Milwaukee Famous and The Almost are nice alternatives if you want your kids to hear music that doesn’t suck (like Cyrus and the Brothers Jonas) and isn't laced with obscenities and references to ho’s (i.e. hip-hop). Please hear me out on this, folks. The youth of this nation needs music that doesn’t blow and right now, they aren’t getting it. Please do your part and help them by shielding them from the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and the like.

- Dammit, why do these things never happen on my flight? The most interesting thing to happen on my flights is typically guessing whether the air waitress on the plane will make it to my section with the drinks and snacks before the plane lands. Never do I get to witness a scene like the one that happened this week on a flight from Greece to Manchester, England. On this flight, two absolutely hammered British women decided that cruising at 32,000 feet over Austria was the best time to go full-on Naomi Campbell and get their fight on. Both women reportedly became upset when the air waitresses on the flight denied them alcohol on account of them already being fall-down drunk. As belligerent drunks are known to do, the women, ages 26 and 27, became belligerent. The 26-year-old was the more unruly of the two, taking a swing at one of the air waitresses with a vodka bottle but doing little damage. The crew were ultimately able to subdue the two women and the flight made an emergency landing in Frankfurt. There, the two alkies were taken from the plane and given sobriety tests, which astonishingly they failed. The flight continued on to its destination and reached Manchester safe but a bit late due to the emergency stop. Back in Frankfurt, the two lushes who caused that stop face criminal charges, with the bottle swinger up against the more serious ones. She has been hit with charges of assault and interference with air traffic, both of which take on added weight in our terrorist-fearing culture of 2008. Y’know, come to think of it, maybe it’s a good thing I’ve never had something like this happen on one of my flights. After all, who wants to see perfectly good vodka wasted by some drunk spilling it by swinging an open bottle at an air waitress? That’s what I thought…..

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