- To the great surprise of exactly no one, the Olympic organizers in China are reneging on their promises of unfettered Internet access for media reporting on the Games. When the Chinese submitted their bid for the Olympics seven years ago, the bid included a vow of “complete freedom to report.” Either they didn’t mean what they said at the time or they’ve been taking political lessons from Bill Clinton, because now they are doubling back on that promise. Whereas Bubba went with, “It depends what your definition of the word ‘is’ is,” the Chinese are saying it depends on what your definition of complete freedom is. Their definition seems to mean you can access any website you want - as long as it doesn’t pertain to human rights stories, organizations like Amnesty International or have the word Tibet in the title. Attempts to access such sites from the Main Press Center were unsuccessful a few days ago, even though in April two senior International Olympic Committee members said they had received reaffirmation from the Chinese that the blocks on certain sites deemed objectionable would be lifted for media members at the Games. Nice to see that the events haven’t even started yet and already these Olympics are shaping up to be a total mess, rife with polluted air, polluted water, horrendous traffic, censorship, broken promises and more…..
- Memo to underage drinkers everywhere: you’re going to want to avoid public venues with heavy security if you plan on getting hammered and causing a fight. Going to a party at the nearest frat house and doing keg stands is one thing; going to a public place like a Major League Baseball game to get drunk is another. West Virginia University basketball players Joe Mazzulla and Cameron Thoroughman might want to remember that lesson, assuming they’re sober enough to process it. The two of them were arrested Monday after both allegedly scuffled with police after a Pittsburgh Pirates game at PNC Park. According to police reports, the two players were arrested following a fight at a stadium security station. Good call there, start a fight AT a security station, that way stadium security doesn’t have far to go. Better yet, do it when you’re drunk, underage and unable to control yourself. Not surprisingly, Mazzulla and Thoroughman were both charged with underage drinking. Additionally, Mazzulla also faces charges of aggravated assault and hindering apprehension while the Thoroughman was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. Three charges apiece, nice work guys! While I and many college basketball fans enjoyed Mazzulla’s gritty play in this year’s NCAA Tournament and his nice all-around game, that goodwill tends to go away when you get drunk and are brawling with other fans at a baseball game. Clean it up and be a little smarter about when and where you get plastered, fellas. This isn't the friendly WVU campus where you’re a minor celebrity……
- If you want a truly violent, angry riot, Serbian ultranationalists are the people you need to find. Former Soviet Bloc countries and their various political factions are solid rioters and they’re not afraid to get their hands dirty…..or bloody….or broken. With the country’s leaders preparing to extradite former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic to the U.N. war crimes tribunal at the Hague, Serbian ultranationalists took to one of the country’s main public squares en masse and let’s just say they weren’t there for a peaceful protest. Clashes with police broke out and things got contentious and bloody, which you always like to see in a riot. If no one sheds any blood, it’s basically a practice riot, a scrimmage like 7-on-7 drills for an NFL team when no one is wearing pads. Observers may label these rioters as extremists, but I like to think of them in more positive terms. They’re social dissidents with attitude and testicular fortitude, let’s say. The cause you are fighting for doesn’t so much matter to me, just as long as you’re looking to stick it to The Man and willing to brawl with him to do so….
- I apologize that this Albums to Love feature didn’t come sooner, but honestly I’m just been enjoying the new effort by indie rockers Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin’s so much that I forgot to take the time to write about it. The album, titled Pershing, came out last month and after repeated listens I can confidently say that it is among the five best albums of 2008. I loved the band’s previous effort, 2006’s Broom, but Pershing is even better. The indie rock simplicity is still there, with a fill of acoustic guitars, thoughtful lyrics and a tinge of folkiness, but the album is much more powerful than those ingredients imply. The album’s first song, Glue Girls, shows exactly what I mean. A soft acoustic guitar riff leads the song off, but the pace quickens and a tale of a guy trying to win the love of one of two über-close sisters as the other sister despises him, unfolds. “Maybe if I lay low, love will fall around my door,” muses lead singer John Robert Caldwell. The song, like much of the album, features layered, overlapping vocals that provide a great cacophony of sounds. Even the slower songs are great, tunes like Dead Right, “I don’t wanna keep up, I just wanna get stuck. You’re gonna lose me/if you don’t choose me,” warns Caldwell. The song never moves past a casual pace and the guitars and percussion are understated and complimentary most of the song, but it’s a great song because lyrically it’s clever and the inclusion of some strings during the chorus also mixes things up. Maybe my favorite song on the entire disc is You Could Write a Book, which starts with a powerful guitar chord by guitarist Philip Dickey and some haunting vocals from Caldwell. Great lyrics encourage a mystery recipient to write a book even though she has broken the song writer’s heart, but maybe “that’s all it’s there for.” In one of the best lines of the album, the song states that “I’d love to read your book/But I think first I need to learn how to read you.” It’s not a complicated song musically, but the guitars are absolutely great here and it’s the kind of song you can listen to over and over and not get tired of it. In short, this is an awesome album and I’ve only touched on three of 11 amazing songs. It’s an Album to Love and one you should absolutely buy…..
- With all of the time, money and effort wasted by Congress on unimportant, irrelevant issues like apologizing for something that happened a century and a half ago (yes, I’m look at you slavery), it’s good to see a legislator like Rep. Barney Frank of Massachusetts focusing on something that is truly meaningful to our country. Rep. Frank has introduced a proposal that would essentially end federal penalties for Americans found to be carrying less than 100 grams of marijuana on their person. Frank says that the current laws place undue burdens on law enforcement and on those who use pot for medicinal purposes and dammit, I agree. “The vast amount of human activity ought to be none of the government’s business,” Frank declared in announcing his proposal. “I don’t think it’s the government’s business to tell you how to spend your leisure time.” More accurate words could not be spoken, Rep. Barney. If people want to have small amounts of the hippie lettuce on them, don’t hassle them. You want to go after dealers, whatever. But just because a dude or chick has one or two small joints in his or her jacket pocket isn't a reason to bring federal charges against them. Stoners are the most mellow, relaxed, peaceful and non-problematic people in our society and it’s time we stopped hassling them and left them to lie on their couches in peace, downing Cooler Ranch Doritos and watching South Park reruns. Of course, the Drug Enforcement Agency and the White House Office of Drug Control Policy continue to oppose any and all legalization of the chronic, with the DEA website reading, in part, “it (marijuana) is not medicine and it is not safe.” All right, a) it is medicine because it helps very ill people treat their pain, and b) since when does pot make a person more dangerous? Go to any college campus on a Friday or Saturday night and see if you don’t find stoners to be the most docile, non-confrontational individuals around. Get over yourself and get on board with Rep. Frank, DEA sticks in the mud….
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Healthy eats in L.A., Hasbro has a bug up its a** and Brett Favre still holding the NFL world hostage
- It’s an age-old question: are those really cops that just busted down the door at your party or are they strippers dressed as cops? There’s no real way to tell, because as much as it may appear that the hot female cop with a 36-D rack and pretty smile is a stripper, there’s always that 1 in 1,000 chance that she really is a police officer. Same goes for that chiseled, blue-eyed guy with a square chin who you’re sure is there to take off his uniform and shake his groove thing. Some partygoers at a private birthday bash in western Germany were faced with this conundrum Sunday and they wrongly assumed that the officers were in fact strippers. Two officers arrived at the home shortly after midnight to quell the raucous party and were greeted by several women who believed that they were hired beef. “It took a while to realize they were police officers,” explained a police spokesman. Perhaps it should have been a tip-off that no one at the party had ordered strippers, but I’m guessing that, based on the location of the party (Germany) and the fact that the cops had to be called, most of the people at the party were probably fall-down drunk by that point anyhow. Now there’s a clip I wouldn’t mind seeing on YouTube, those plastered women trying to get two real-life cops to take it off…..
- Where’s the United States Congress I know and love? Oh, there it is! Whew. I was concerned that amidst all of the wrangling over war funding, jamming as much pork-barrel legislation through as possible and having its members either running for president or focused on their own upcoming reelection bids that maybe Congress had forgotten how to cook up a good bribes-and-corruption scandal. Thankfully men like Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska are still roaming the halls on Capitol Hill, every bit as corrupt as any congressman has ever been and doing his best to stay that way. Stevens was indicted by a federal grand jury Tuesday on charges that he lied about receiving more than $250,000 in gifts from an Alaska-based energy company on whose behalf he lobbied and intervened in Washington. In a 28-page indictment, the grand jury charges the senator with seven counts of making false statements on his Senate financial disclosure forms. Stevens is charged with “knowingly and willingly engaging in a scheme to conceal….his continuing receipt of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of things of value.” He allegedly received home improvements paid for by Veco and its chief executive officer Bill Allen that included a new first-floor garage, a first-and-second-story wraparound deck, new plumbing and new wiring. Additionally, Stevens was given a new 1999 Land Rover worth $44,000 by Allen in exchange for $5,000 and Stevens’ 1964 Ford Mustang, which was worth less than $20,000 at the time of the exchange. Awesome, just awesome. This is the kind of governmental corruption we’ve come to expect from our nation’s elected representatives. Thank you for helping us get back to the values and standards our nation’s legislative system was built on, Ted Stevens….
- So the Brett Favre hostage crisis took its next painful step forward today. I call it a hostage crisis because Favre is holding the entire NFL world and specifically the Green Bay Packers hostage as he plays his nonstop game of retirement chicken. Yesterday the self-centered gunslinger officially submitted his reinstatement papers to the league office, meaning he will be placed back on the Packers’ active roster and can report to training camp. The debate rages on as to whether the team can work out a trade for Favre or if general manager Ted Thompson and the front office have the stomach to handle the massive circus that will ensue when Favre arrives in camp and takes his new position as the team’s backup quarterback. The irony all of this is that if Favre had never brought up the “R” word and just kept playing year after year, giving no indication that he was considering retirement, everyone would still love him. The only reason the team has moved on and many around the football world are ripping him for being selfish and indecisive is because after every f’ing season for the past 3-4 years, Favre has waffled on whether he’ll be back for another season. If he had just said he’d be back not held tearful retirement press conferences, this situation would be much better and much less contentious. As is, Favre is ruining much of the goodwill he built up over the years and I’ll remember him much more for this whole debacle than I will for anything he did on the field….
- Who knew that people who make board games for a living could be such cantankerous dicks? Hasbro Inc., which owns the North American rights to Scrabble, has been waging war against two Indian brothers who created an unofficial online version of the game that became extremely popular on Facebook. Rajat and Jayacut Agurwalla live in Calcutta, India and they developed a Facebook application called Scrabulous. Like other user-developed applications on the social networking site, Scrabulous is free to play and has been attracting nearly half a million players per day, making it one of Facebook’s most popular games. That only seemed to further enrage Hasbro, which first pressured Facebook to suspend the application, without success. After being shot down by the site, Hasbro turned its attention to the Agurwalla brothers and the end result was a lawsuit filed this week that finally convinced them to shut down access to Scrabulous in the United States and Canada. Not helping matters is the fact that earlier this year, video game maker Electronic Arts Inc. released an official, Hasbro-approved online version of Scrabble for Facebook and the legit version has been getting its ass kicked on a daily basis by Scrabulous. The official version has been betting an average of 15,000 players a day, dwarfed by the 500,000 playing Scrabulous during the same time frame. The truth hurts, doesn’t it Hasbro? But that’s no reason for you, the maker of board games and good times for the whole family, to behave this way. You should be jolly, whimsical and fun-loving; instead you’re bitter, surly and lawsuit-filing. Shame on you for your crotchety, bitter ways…….
- California is stepping up the attack on a large percentage of its residents being FAT. With the state’s ban on using trans fats in cooking now on the books, the Los Angeles City Council is undertaking its own assault on obesity. The council voted unanimously on Tuesday to place a one-year moratorium on building new fast food restaurants in the impoverished South Los Angeles area. Obesity in this portion of the city is at an alarming high, with 30 percent of adults considered clinically obese. That’s compared to 19.1 percent in the city’s metropolitan area and 14 percent in the upscale Westside area. It’s a great idea, preventing fast food joints from building new restaurants so the city can try to bring in eateries serving healthier fare, but there may be a hole in this line of thinking. Did the council consider that people in South L.A. are fat not because they’re eating worse food, but rather because they can’t afford to buy expensive gym memberships and exercise equipment like those living in the city’s wealthier areas? People in South L.A. can't afford liposuction either, nor can they pay for a Pilates class or a personal trainer. Their exercise comes more from trying to outrun the mugger who is attempting to steal their wallet or chase down the city bus before it pulls away from the bus stop. I appreciate the sentiment and I’m always all for anything that can be done to make America less FAT, but I just don’t know how effective this new measure will be towards that end…..
- Where’s the United States Congress I know and love? Oh, there it is! Whew. I was concerned that amidst all of the wrangling over war funding, jamming as much pork-barrel legislation through as possible and having its members either running for president or focused on their own upcoming reelection bids that maybe Congress had forgotten how to cook up a good bribes-and-corruption scandal. Thankfully men like Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska are still roaming the halls on Capitol Hill, every bit as corrupt as any congressman has ever been and doing his best to stay that way. Stevens was indicted by a federal grand jury Tuesday on charges that he lied about receiving more than $250,000 in gifts from an Alaska-based energy company on whose behalf he lobbied and intervened in Washington. In a 28-page indictment, the grand jury charges the senator with seven counts of making false statements on his Senate financial disclosure forms. Stevens is charged with “knowingly and willingly engaging in a scheme to conceal….his continuing receipt of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of things of value.” He allegedly received home improvements paid for by Veco and its chief executive officer Bill Allen that included a new first-floor garage, a first-and-second-story wraparound deck, new plumbing and new wiring. Additionally, Stevens was given a new 1999 Land Rover worth $44,000 by Allen in exchange for $5,000 and Stevens’ 1964 Ford Mustang, which was worth less than $20,000 at the time of the exchange. Awesome, just awesome. This is the kind of governmental corruption we’ve come to expect from our nation’s elected representatives. Thank you for helping us get back to the values and standards our nation’s legislative system was built on, Ted Stevens….
- So the Brett Favre hostage crisis took its next painful step forward today. I call it a hostage crisis because Favre is holding the entire NFL world and specifically the Green Bay Packers hostage as he plays his nonstop game of retirement chicken. Yesterday the self-centered gunslinger officially submitted his reinstatement papers to the league office, meaning he will be placed back on the Packers’ active roster and can report to training camp. The debate rages on as to whether the team can work out a trade for Favre or if general manager Ted Thompson and the front office have the stomach to handle the massive circus that will ensue when Favre arrives in camp and takes his new position as the team’s backup quarterback. The irony all of this is that if Favre had never brought up the “R” word and just kept playing year after year, giving no indication that he was considering retirement, everyone would still love him. The only reason the team has moved on and many around the football world are ripping him for being selfish and indecisive is because after every f’ing season for the past 3-4 years, Favre has waffled on whether he’ll be back for another season. If he had just said he’d be back not held tearful retirement press conferences, this situation would be much better and much less contentious. As is, Favre is ruining much of the goodwill he built up over the years and I’ll remember him much more for this whole debacle than I will for anything he did on the field….
- Who knew that people who make board games for a living could be such cantankerous dicks? Hasbro Inc., which owns the North American rights to Scrabble, has been waging war against two Indian brothers who created an unofficial online version of the game that became extremely popular on Facebook. Rajat and Jayacut Agurwalla live in Calcutta, India and they developed a Facebook application called Scrabulous. Like other user-developed applications on the social networking site, Scrabulous is free to play and has been attracting nearly half a million players per day, making it one of Facebook’s most popular games. That only seemed to further enrage Hasbro, which first pressured Facebook to suspend the application, without success. After being shot down by the site, Hasbro turned its attention to the Agurwalla brothers and the end result was a lawsuit filed this week that finally convinced them to shut down access to Scrabulous in the United States and Canada. Not helping matters is the fact that earlier this year, video game maker Electronic Arts Inc. released an official, Hasbro-approved online version of Scrabble for Facebook and the legit version has been getting its ass kicked on a daily basis by Scrabulous. The official version has been betting an average of 15,000 players a day, dwarfed by the 500,000 playing Scrabulous during the same time frame. The truth hurts, doesn’t it Hasbro? But that’s no reason for you, the maker of board games and good times for the whole family, to behave this way. You should be jolly, whimsical and fun-loving; instead you’re bitter, surly and lawsuit-filing. Shame on you for your crotchety, bitter ways…….
- California is stepping up the attack on a large percentage of its residents being FAT. With the state’s ban on using trans fats in cooking now on the books, the Los Angeles City Council is undertaking its own assault on obesity. The council voted unanimously on Tuesday to place a one-year moratorium on building new fast food restaurants in the impoverished South Los Angeles area. Obesity in this portion of the city is at an alarming high, with 30 percent of adults considered clinically obese. That’s compared to 19.1 percent in the city’s metropolitan area and 14 percent in the upscale Westside area. It’s a great idea, preventing fast food joints from building new restaurants so the city can try to bring in eateries serving healthier fare, but there may be a hole in this line of thinking. Did the council consider that people in South L.A. are fat not because they’re eating worse food, but rather because they can’t afford to buy expensive gym memberships and exercise equipment like those living in the city’s wealthier areas? People in South L.A. can't afford liposuction either, nor can they pay for a Pilates class or a personal trainer. Their exercise comes more from trying to outrun the mugger who is attempting to steal their wallet or chase down the city bus before it pulls away from the bus stop. I appreciate the sentiment and I’m always all for anything that can be done to make America less FAT, but I just don’t know how effective this new measure will be towards that end…..
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Exactly how to waste money in Iraq, how to waste time in Congress and NBA players' exodus to Europe
- It’s a big week for banning things deemed harmful to public health. The state of California has dropped a ban on using trans fats in the preparation of food and now the Navajo Nation Council in Albuquerque, N.M. has banned commercial tobacco in public places on the reservation. The new law includes outdoor venues like rodeos and fairs and prohibits both cigarettes and chewing tobacco. It does not ban tobacco used in ceremonies for religious or traditional purposes, but any ban on any type of tobacco product is a definite positive. Parts of the Navajo reservation reach into Arizona and Utah as well, with the total size of the reservation approximately the same as the state of West Virginia. For a long time, Indian reservations have been tagged with a reputation as a place with drugs, alcohol and tobacco abuse running rampant. It’s great to see at least one tribe taking steps to ensure that the menace of cigarettes, chewing tobacco and secondhand smoke are no longer terrorizing its people.
- Part of me wants to side with New York publisher Simon & Schuster Inc. The company is suing rappers Lil’ Kim and Foxy Brown for failing to deliver finished manuscripts for books for which they received advances. I understand that when a publisher pays an advance to an author, they expect a finished book in return. On the other hand, look at who you’re dealing with: two ghetto, gangsta rappers who have both spent serious time in prison since inking their contracts. You make a deal with that kind of person, how do you not expect to get burned? And yes, I’m saying that Lil’ Kim and Foxy Brown are bad people. You don’t go to prison for lying to police or violating probation by fighting with two manicurists because you’re a good person. So you make a book deal with each of these thugs and then you’re pissed when you get burned? Fine, but I could also say that you deserve what you got for being so dumb as to sign those contracts in the first place. No one forced Simon & Schuster to give Foxy Brown a $75,000 advance for an autobiography titled Broken Silence back in 2006. Likewise, no one made them fork over $40,000 to Lil’ Kim for a novel in 2003. Stop and consider the absurdity of that for a moment: giving a book deal to a thug gangsta rapper to write a novel. She can’t even write one song with remotely correct grammar but you think she can churn out an entire novel? Hard for Lil’ Kim to work on her novel when she’s being shipped off to prison in 2005 and equally difficult for Foxy Brown to do so when headed off to the hole in 2007. So I find fault with both parties here, but sadly the court is going to have to find in favor of one or the other in the end…..
- An odd new trend has developed in the NBA this offseason with free agents as they’re looking for new contracts. I’d always just assumed that if you’re good enough to play in the NBA, that’s where you’d want to be because it’s the best professional basketball league in the world. But if you believer the threats being made by some players, going to Europe to play in one of the leagues there is a viable option if they don’t get the deal they want here. Sasha Vujacic of the Los Angeles Lakers was the first to threaten to take his ball and leave, saying he’d go to Russia to play if the Lakers didn’t offer him a deal he liked. Next came Delonte West, a free agent who played with Seattle and Cleveland last season. West told the Cavaliers he was considering an offer from a European team if they didn’t meet his contract demands. The two sides are now sitting down to talk things out, but as of yet West hasn’t announced an official decision. The biggest name to threaten to flee the U.S. and become a Euro hooper came Monday when guard Ben Gordon said that if the team he has been playing for, the Chicago Bulls, didn’t offer him a fair new deal, he would be willing to go abroad. High schooler Brandon Jennings could be included in the group as well, although his circumstances are a bit different. Jennings graduated from high school last month and because the NBA now mandates that players be 19 before they enter the league, he had the option of going to college for a year, spending a year training or going abroad to play. He elected to sign a one-year deal with an Italian pro team, meaning he’ll be coming back for the 2009 NBA Draft. Overall, I’m not sure what to make of this trend. My inclination is to say that it’s a negotiating tactic, a threat these players are using to jack up their offers from NBA teams to a higher level. Of course, playing basketball and living in Greece or Italy doesn’t sound too bad, either…..
- You might be looking at the tens of billions of dollars the United States is wasting each month in Iraq and wondering exactly how you blow that much money in such a short amount of time. If you want those questions answered succinctly, go ahead and Google the Khan Bani Saad Correctional Facility. What is this facility? Sounds like a jail, doesn’t it? Yes, it does sound like it should be a jail and theoretically, that’s what it started as. Back in 2004, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers awarded a construction contract to engineering firm Parsons to build the 1,800-inmate detention facility northeast of Baghdad. It was to be a quick project, beginning in May 2004 and finishing in November 2005. The awarding of the contract was actually the only successful part of the saga, with the Sunni insurgency and other political and security concerns waylaying the construction of the facility. From there, the project fell further and further behind schedule until; Parsons asked to push the completion date to 2008. The U.S. government finally pulled the plug on the project in 2008, leaving a facility that is unusable as a prison or much of anything else. Despite spending $40 million, this hunk of crap sits unoccupied and looks destined to remain that way. Because of it’s design, it cannot be used for housing and even turning it into a factory would be a huge ordeal. Meanwhile, the nearby Diyala prison is crammed with more than 600 inmates in a facility only intended to hold 250. So it’s success stories like this one that give all the evidence you need to figure out why and how we’ve wasted so much money in a place we never should have been to begin with….
- Good to know that our nation’s top legislative body is spending its time working on important matters. Y’know, things like apologizing for things they had nothing to do with, things that occurred nearly half a century ago in some cases and 140 years ago in other cases. Yes, I’m referring to the nonbinding resolution just passed by the U.S. House of Representatives officially apologizing to black people for the “injustice, cruelty, brutality and inhumanity of slavery and Jim Crow.” Jim Crow, of course, refers to Jim Crow laws that were popular throughout southern states as recently as 1965, The laws discriminated heavily against blacks and treated them unfairly as second-class citizens. Rep. Steve Cohen represents a majority black district in Memphis, Tennessee and he sponsored this total waste of time. While it’s the first tiem the federal government has ever issued an official apology for slavery, it is a total joke. When every single freaking person who was ever subjected to the horrors of slavery is dead, an apology is unnecessary. When everyone who was responsible for instilling and maintaining the institution of slavery is also dead, apologies are even more unnecessary. Attaching the Jim Crow angle to it manages to salvage a bit of dignity here, but not much. Fact is, the people who were responsible for Jim Crow laws aren't involved in our government anymore either. The apology means nothing and it’s an empty, meaningless gesture by a Congress looking for a nice PR boost back in their home districts. While (nearly) all of us (ignorant white supremacists excluded) can agree that slavery and Jim Crow laws were bad, this stupid resolution wasted time, taxpayer dollars and an entire paragraph worth of typing for me. Next……
- Part of me wants to side with New York publisher Simon & Schuster Inc. The company is suing rappers Lil’ Kim and Foxy Brown for failing to deliver finished manuscripts for books for which they received advances. I understand that when a publisher pays an advance to an author, they expect a finished book in return. On the other hand, look at who you’re dealing with: two ghetto, gangsta rappers who have both spent serious time in prison since inking their contracts. You make a deal with that kind of person, how do you not expect to get burned? And yes, I’m saying that Lil’ Kim and Foxy Brown are bad people. You don’t go to prison for lying to police or violating probation by fighting with two manicurists because you’re a good person. So you make a book deal with each of these thugs and then you’re pissed when you get burned? Fine, but I could also say that you deserve what you got for being so dumb as to sign those contracts in the first place. No one forced Simon & Schuster to give Foxy Brown a $75,000 advance for an autobiography titled Broken Silence back in 2006. Likewise, no one made them fork over $40,000 to Lil’ Kim for a novel in 2003. Stop and consider the absurdity of that for a moment: giving a book deal to a thug gangsta rapper to write a novel. She can’t even write one song with remotely correct grammar but you think she can churn out an entire novel? Hard for Lil’ Kim to work on her novel when she’s being shipped off to prison in 2005 and equally difficult for Foxy Brown to do so when headed off to the hole in 2007. So I find fault with both parties here, but sadly the court is going to have to find in favor of one or the other in the end…..
- An odd new trend has developed in the NBA this offseason with free agents as they’re looking for new contracts. I’d always just assumed that if you’re good enough to play in the NBA, that’s where you’d want to be because it’s the best professional basketball league in the world. But if you believer the threats being made by some players, going to Europe to play in one of the leagues there is a viable option if they don’t get the deal they want here. Sasha Vujacic of the Los Angeles Lakers was the first to threaten to take his ball and leave, saying he’d go to Russia to play if the Lakers didn’t offer him a deal he liked. Next came Delonte West, a free agent who played with Seattle and Cleveland last season. West told the Cavaliers he was considering an offer from a European team if they didn’t meet his contract demands. The two sides are now sitting down to talk things out, but as of yet West hasn’t announced an official decision. The biggest name to threaten to flee the U.S. and become a Euro hooper came Monday when guard Ben Gordon said that if the team he has been playing for, the Chicago Bulls, didn’t offer him a fair new deal, he would be willing to go abroad. High schooler Brandon Jennings could be included in the group as well, although his circumstances are a bit different. Jennings graduated from high school last month and because the NBA now mandates that players be 19 before they enter the league, he had the option of going to college for a year, spending a year training or going abroad to play. He elected to sign a one-year deal with an Italian pro team, meaning he’ll be coming back for the 2009 NBA Draft. Overall, I’m not sure what to make of this trend. My inclination is to say that it’s a negotiating tactic, a threat these players are using to jack up their offers from NBA teams to a higher level. Of course, playing basketball and living in Greece or Italy doesn’t sound too bad, either…..
- You might be looking at the tens of billions of dollars the United States is wasting each month in Iraq and wondering exactly how you blow that much money in such a short amount of time. If you want those questions answered succinctly, go ahead and Google the Khan Bani Saad Correctional Facility. What is this facility? Sounds like a jail, doesn’t it? Yes, it does sound like it should be a jail and theoretically, that’s what it started as. Back in 2004, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers awarded a construction contract to engineering firm Parsons to build the 1,800-inmate detention facility northeast of Baghdad. It was to be a quick project, beginning in May 2004 and finishing in November 2005. The awarding of the contract was actually the only successful part of the saga, with the Sunni insurgency and other political and security concerns waylaying the construction of the facility. From there, the project fell further and further behind schedule until; Parsons asked to push the completion date to 2008. The U.S. government finally pulled the plug on the project in 2008, leaving a facility that is unusable as a prison or much of anything else. Despite spending $40 million, this hunk of crap sits unoccupied and looks destined to remain that way. Because of it’s design, it cannot be used for housing and even turning it into a factory would be a huge ordeal. Meanwhile, the nearby Diyala prison is crammed with more than 600 inmates in a facility only intended to hold 250. So it’s success stories like this one that give all the evidence you need to figure out why and how we’ve wasted so much money in a place we never should have been to begin with….
- Good to know that our nation’s top legislative body is spending its time working on important matters. Y’know, things like apologizing for things they had nothing to do with, things that occurred nearly half a century ago in some cases and 140 years ago in other cases. Yes, I’m referring to the nonbinding resolution just passed by the U.S. House of Representatives officially apologizing to black people for the “injustice, cruelty, brutality and inhumanity of slavery and Jim Crow.” Jim Crow, of course, refers to Jim Crow laws that were popular throughout southern states as recently as 1965, The laws discriminated heavily against blacks and treated them unfairly as second-class citizens. Rep. Steve Cohen represents a majority black district in Memphis, Tennessee and he sponsored this total waste of time. While it’s the first tiem the federal government has ever issued an official apology for slavery, it is a total joke. When every single freaking person who was ever subjected to the horrors of slavery is dead, an apology is unnecessary. When everyone who was responsible for instilling and maintaining the institution of slavery is also dead, apologies are even more unnecessary. Attaching the Jim Crow angle to it manages to salvage a bit of dignity here, but not much. Fact is, the people who were responsible for Jim Crow laws aren't involved in our government anymore either. The apology means nothing and it’s an empty, meaningless gesture by a Congress looking for a nice PR boost back in their home districts. While (nearly) all of us (ignorant white supremacists excluded) can agree that slavery and Jim Crow laws were bad, this stupid resolution wasted time, taxpayer dollars and an entire paragraph worth of typing for me. Next……
Monday, July 28, 2008
One man is too fat to be an NFL nose tackle, trans fats not welcome in Cali and the Stones cash in again
- Casey Hampton is fat. Really, really fat. That might not be a surprise for a man who is a defensive lineman for an NFL team, but Hampton is pushing even the generous weight boundaries typically afforded to a man in his position. He showed up at Pittsburgh Steelers training camp in Latrobe, Pa. and within a day, Hampton was placed on the physically unable to perform list for being too fat. Well, he wasn’t specifically placed on the PUP list with the (too fat) designation beside it, but he might as well have been. As one of their first activities upon arriving at camp players are put through a conditioning test by their team. The tests vary from team to team, but across the board they involved a lot of running. Hampton, nicknamed “Big Snack” by his teammates (a more appropriate nickname may not exist), could not complete the test. As a result, head coach Mike Tomlin followed team policy by placing him on the PUP list. Hampton admitted his conditioning was subpar but tried to defend his total lack of being in shape. “I could be in better shape,” he conceded. However, he went on to point out that being able to run well and complete running drills doesn’t make one a good football player. No, fatass, but not being able to run a few simple sprints without nearly going into full cardiac arrest does ensure that you’re going to be the slowest guy on the field and need a lot of rest breaks. Being a world-class sprinter is one thing; being in shape enough to complete a simple conditioning drill is another. You’re being asked to do the latter and you could - if you’d shove away from the buffet table, put down the pork rinds, Yoo-Hoo and Ding-Dongs and stop raiding the fridge for late-night snacks. Reintroduce yourself to the treadmill and exercise bike and see if that doesn’t help. My man, your body is how you make your living. Take care of if, keep it in reasonably decent shape and stop being placed on the PUP list for being too fat.
- Some people are bilingual, meaning they speak two languages. Others are bisexual, meaning they swing from both sides of the plate, sexually speaking. But rare is the individual who is a bi-national criminal. It takes a rare bird to commit major felonies in two different countries and be convicted in each of them. In other words, it takes a man like Emmanuel “Toto” Constant, 51. Constant is the former leader of the Front for the Advancement and Progress of Haiti, a group formed in 1993 following the ouster of Haitian Presidnet Jean-Bertrand Aristide. In that capacity, Constant was convicted of leading a ruthless death squad that raped and killed its political rivals. Now, more than a decade later, Constant has brought his criminal ways to a new nation. He was convicted late last week of running a mortgage fraud scheme here in the United States that arranged millions of dollars in fraudulent financing for three Brooklyn properties. For those crimes, “Toto” faces 15 to 45 years in prison when he is sentenced on Sept. 10. I can't really condone mortgage fraud, what with the current mortgage crisis in the U.S., but I do have to admire a man who was able to transition so seamlessly from brutal, blue-collar crimes in one country to multimillion-dollar white-collar crimes in another. Nice versatility, “Toto,” I’m sure you’ll adapt just fine to your new surroundings for the next 15 to 45 years….
- Memo to you, Iraq: so you’re not welcome at the Olympics, so what? Look at it as the blessing it is. Yes, your athletes received a standing ovation upon marching into the stadium for the opening ceremonies at the 2004 Summer Olympics, but if the International Olympic Committee says you can't come this time, don’t sweat it. Your tumultuous political situation may have inspired the IOC to tell your athletes to stay home, but consider the positives and you’ll see it’s not such a bad thing. By staying home, your athletes won't have to breathe Beijing’s toxic air that would leave them blowing buckets of soot out of this nostrils. They also don’t have to worry about getting anywhere near the algae-clogged waters, eating food that may or may not contain doses of steroids or trying to fight through the city’s other-worldly traffic. You’ll save tens of thousands of dollars you would have spent on fuel and travel costs for them. Plus, the Olympics are a tired and over-the-hill event in the sports world anyhow. So stop your last-minute negotiating to get back into the Games, allow the IOC to pretend that it’s “very disappointed” not to have your athletes competing and give it a shot at the 2010 Winter Olympics or the 2012 Summer Olympics, both of which will take place in cities where breathing the air for an hour won't take a year off your lifespan….
- Even with all of their members in their 60s, the Rolling Stones are still cashing in big time on their decades of musical success. The Stones were actually the top-earning band in the world last year, making them a hot property and thus a valuable acquisition for Universal Music Group, which signed them away from EMI. Mick Jagger and the boys have reached an “exclusive, long-term, worldwide recording agreement” with Universal, becoming the latest big name to leave EMI. Radiohead left the label last year and Coldplay, still with EMI as of now, have expressed extreme displeasure with changes at the label since it was bought by a private equity firm. Universal already owns the rights to the Stones’ catalog from 1963 to 1970, which is some of their best music. Still, the band grossed $88 million between June 2006 and June 2007, mostly from their Bigger Bang tour. Universal might be getting grizzled, veteran rockers, but the Stones are by no means washed up. I’ll listen to them over any American Karaoke contestant, Black Eyed Pea or former man-bander every day of every week of every year of every decade of every century and then some……
- Californians can shoot fat and poison into their faces, they just can’t cook food with trans fats in them. The Gover-nator Ah-nold Schwarzenegger announced the new law Friday and I’m here to salute the decision. Ah-nold signed the bill into law and from here on out, restaurants and other commercial food establishments will be banned from preparing foods using oil, margarine and shortening that contain trans fats. Seeing as our first story today was about a man so fat he’s too out of shape to play nose tackle in the NFL, I think Americans need all the help we can get in making our diets and lifestyles healthier. Hopefully this won't be one of those California-only, wheat-grass-and-soy-milk trends that the rest of the country rejects as the wacky ideas of those flaky surfer dudes and dudettes on the West Coast. Bill Gates and Michael Bloomberg are teaming up to tackle smoking, the Gover-nator is attacking trans fats and at this rate, we just may find a way to stop being such an obese, nicotine-addicted country that the rest of the world mocks….well, they’ll still mock us for having the worst president in the history of the world, but at least they’ll have a few less subjects to make jokes about.
- Some people are bilingual, meaning they speak two languages. Others are bisexual, meaning they swing from both sides of the plate, sexually speaking. But rare is the individual who is a bi-national criminal. It takes a rare bird to commit major felonies in two different countries and be convicted in each of them. In other words, it takes a man like Emmanuel “Toto” Constant, 51. Constant is the former leader of the Front for the Advancement and Progress of Haiti, a group formed in 1993 following the ouster of Haitian Presidnet Jean-Bertrand Aristide. In that capacity, Constant was convicted of leading a ruthless death squad that raped and killed its political rivals. Now, more than a decade later, Constant has brought his criminal ways to a new nation. He was convicted late last week of running a mortgage fraud scheme here in the United States that arranged millions of dollars in fraudulent financing for three Brooklyn properties. For those crimes, “Toto” faces 15 to 45 years in prison when he is sentenced on Sept. 10. I can't really condone mortgage fraud, what with the current mortgage crisis in the U.S., but I do have to admire a man who was able to transition so seamlessly from brutal, blue-collar crimes in one country to multimillion-dollar white-collar crimes in another. Nice versatility, “Toto,” I’m sure you’ll adapt just fine to your new surroundings for the next 15 to 45 years….
- Memo to you, Iraq: so you’re not welcome at the Olympics, so what? Look at it as the blessing it is. Yes, your athletes received a standing ovation upon marching into the stadium for the opening ceremonies at the 2004 Summer Olympics, but if the International Olympic Committee says you can't come this time, don’t sweat it. Your tumultuous political situation may have inspired the IOC to tell your athletes to stay home, but consider the positives and you’ll see it’s not such a bad thing. By staying home, your athletes won't have to breathe Beijing’s toxic air that would leave them blowing buckets of soot out of this nostrils. They also don’t have to worry about getting anywhere near the algae-clogged waters, eating food that may or may not contain doses of steroids or trying to fight through the city’s other-worldly traffic. You’ll save tens of thousands of dollars you would have spent on fuel and travel costs for them. Plus, the Olympics are a tired and over-the-hill event in the sports world anyhow. So stop your last-minute negotiating to get back into the Games, allow the IOC to pretend that it’s “very disappointed” not to have your athletes competing and give it a shot at the 2010 Winter Olympics or the 2012 Summer Olympics, both of which will take place in cities where breathing the air for an hour won't take a year off your lifespan….
- Even with all of their members in their 60s, the Rolling Stones are still cashing in big time on their decades of musical success. The Stones were actually the top-earning band in the world last year, making them a hot property and thus a valuable acquisition for Universal Music Group, which signed them away from EMI. Mick Jagger and the boys have reached an “exclusive, long-term, worldwide recording agreement” with Universal, becoming the latest big name to leave EMI. Radiohead left the label last year and Coldplay, still with EMI as of now, have expressed extreme displeasure with changes at the label since it was bought by a private equity firm. Universal already owns the rights to the Stones’ catalog from 1963 to 1970, which is some of their best music. Still, the band grossed $88 million between June 2006 and June 2007, mostly from their Bigger Bang tour. Universal might be getting grizzled, veteran rockers, but the Stones are by no means washed up. I’ll listen to them over any American Karaoke contestant, Black Eyed Pea or former man-bander every day of every week of every year of every decade of every century and then some……
- Californians can shoot fat and poison into their faces, they just can’t cook food with trans fats in them. The Gover-nator Ah-nold Schwarzenegger announced the new law Friday and I’m here to salute the decision. Ah-nold signed the bill into law and from here on out, restaurants and other commercial food establishments will be banned from preparing foods using oil, margarine and shortening that contain trans fats. Seeing as our first story today was about a man so fat he’s too out of shape to play nose tackle in the NFL, I think Americans need all the help we can get in making our diets and lifestyles healthier. Hopefully this won't be one of those California-only, wheat-grass-and-soy-milk trends that the rest of the country rejects as the wacky ideas of those flaky surfer dudes and dudettes on the West Coast. Bill Gates and Michael Bloomberg are teaming up to tackle smoking, the Gover-nator is attacking trans fats and at this rate, we just may find a way to stop being such an obese, nicotine-addicted country that the rest of the world mocks….well, they’ll still mock us for having the worst president in the history of the world, but at least they’ll have a few less subjects to make jokes about.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
A conspiracy theme for poisoning, sleeping while holding missile launch codes and E! corners the market on an undesirable reality TV topic
- The momentumum (yes, I made a new word) of a record-setting opening weekend doesn’t appear to have worn off for “The Dark Knight.” In its second weekend, the film that possesses the rare combination of actually being good and being heavily hyped/promoted broke another set of records and set itself up to break even more in the days and weeks ahead. For this weekend alone, the movie brought in a haul of $75.6 million, which would be a fantastic opening weekend for 99.999 percent of movies. That amount pushed its domestic earnings to a whopping $314.2 million, making it the fastest ever to reach the $300 million mark. The record was previously held by “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men’s Chest,” which took 16 days to reach that total as opposed to a mere 10 for “Dark Knight.” And for a second straight weekend, “Dark Knight” shattered IMAX earnings records as well, taking in $16.3 million over its first 10 days. That’s a new record and it could be followed by yet another when “Dark Knight” reaches the $400 million earnings mark in a projected 18 days, reaching that milestone approximately 25 days before the previous record holder, “Shrek 2,” which did so in 43 days. In other words, people really, really like “The Dark Knight” and a lot of people are going to see it more than once. Stay tuned for more broken records every weekend this movie remains in theaters…..
- When you love and celebrate an athlete, actor, musician, etc. for being a certain way or having a certain personality, you can’t turn around and rip them for doing something that lives up to that persona. A prime example of that would be a rock star sporting the prototypical rock star attitude and telling everyone to f’off and eventually having you as one of the people they treat like crap when you ask them for an autograph and they’re a complete dick to you. Same goes for everyone’s favorite space-cadet outfielder, Manny Ramirez of the Boston Red Sox. Pretty much every year since signing his 8-year contract with Boston, ManRam and the team have been unhappy with one another and gone through a saga of him wanting a trade or the team wanting to trade him. In 2004, the Sox actually placed him on waivers, meaning any team could claim him as long as it took on his contract. No team bit, so ManRam remained in Boston and it’s been a non-stop thrill ride ever since. ManRam refuses to play on his promised day off even when the team is shorthanded and desperately needs him, he comes up with fishy sounding injuries and needs time off, etc. Now comes this latest round of sniping from ManRam, directed at the team he’s currently trying to help defend its World Series title. “I'm tired of them. They're tired of me,” Ramirez said, before Sunday night's 9-2 victory over the New York Yankees. In an interview earlier Sunday, Ramirez said he will not block a trade if the Red Sox can make one. “If the Red Sox are a better team without Manny Ramirez, they should trade me; I will not object,” he said. If this were almost anyone else, we might have something significant to talk about here. But since it’s ManRam, it’s basically business as usual. Red Sox owner John Henry seems to feel the same way, responding to Manny’s comments with, “We are concentrating on one thing -- a playoff spot.” And of course, what does ManRam do but follow up those comments by going out and getting three hits, including two doubles, scoring two runs and driving in two more in Sunday night’s win. He’s hitting .302 with 16 home runs and 65 RBIs this season, so he’s still a productive member of the lineup. This whole round of dissent began he missed the two previous games in the Yankees series due to pain in his right knee, pain that led to MRI exams on both knees that revealed no injuries. There were reports in the Boston media that the team was planning to take disciplinary action against Ramirez if he did not return to the lineup,
It was also suggested that Red Sox management might consider trading ManRam before Thursday's deadline. Trade him or not (I’m betting the house on not), this will be Manny’s last season with the team. His contract contains two team options for each of the next two seasons at $20 million per, so count on Boston declining the option for next year and moving on. Some new city will get their turn with ManRam, so line up now for your shot at an eccentric, moody, temperamental, mashing outfielder at the tail end of his career….
- Can Pam Anderson really be a simple house guest and nothing more? If you believe the top-heavy former Baywatch star, the answer is yes. While her new SoCal mansion is still under construction, Pam and her two sons - Dylan, 10 and Brandon, 12 - are shacking up with her former husband and sex tape partner Tommy Lee. The couple’s main claim to fame is the release of their honeymoon sex tape on the Internet, but even their messy divorce hasn’t totally soured Anderson on the idea of them being together. She concedes it’s unlikely, not impossible. “We’re better off friends,” she explained. So the plan is to crash with the ex while construction wraps up, hopefully before Pammy starts work on her new reality series for E!, which is apparently desperate to corner to market on aging, big-rack-sporting actresses with kids who have gone through ugly divorces. They’ve already got Denise Richards and with Anderson’s series Pam: Girl on the Loose set to premiere in August, things are looking good for the network pathetic enough to give that teeth-bleaching, tip-frosting, man-blouse-wearing loser Ryan Seacrest a hosting gig….
- Who doesn’t feel better knowing that not one, not two, but three separate ballistic missile crew members in North Dakota fell asleep this month while holding classified launch code devices? I know that nothing comforts me more than the knowledge that those entrusted with the security of codes to some of our nation’s most powerful weapons can't even stay awake on the job. The National Security Agency and military experts have launched an investigation into the incidents, which I’m sure will be completed in a timely fashion. After all, when has a government panel-run investigation not been conducted in an efficient, timely fashion? But I look forward to a fascinating, 100-page report on the actual physics and biological factors of why these idiots were sleeping on the job. Apparently part of the hiring process for these positions needs to be making sure that applicants can stay awake at their desk for a full eight hours……
-Conspiracy theories are awesome, just awesome. Nothing makes me smile quite like hearing a wronged person spin an elaborate yarn about how there’s a vast, intricate plot to do them in. It doesn’t matter if it’s a matter of great historical or political importance or just an average, run-of-the-mill conspiracy theory involving ordinary people; they’re all a barrel of fun. So you can imagine that when I heard that Russian President Viktor Yushchenko was accusing the godfather of one of his own children and member of his own political party of involvement in his near-fatal poisoning, I was pumped. Granted, Yushchenko hasn’t yet provided any actual evidence that David Zhvania was in any way responsible for the poisoning and supposed plot behind it, but let’s not dwell on the minor details. The fact is that someone hit him with that near-toxic dose of dioxin and it might aed, Yushchenko hasn’t yet provided any actual evidence that David Zhvania was in any way responsible for the poisoning and supposed plot behind it, but let’s not dwell on the minor details. The fact is that someone hit him with that near-toxic dose of dioxin and it might as well be part of a shady conspiracy. To be fair, Yushchenko hasn’t yet provided any actual evidence that David Zhvania was in any way responsible for the poisoning and supposed plot behind it, but let’s not dwell on the minor details. The fact is that someone hit him with that near-toxic dose of dioxin and it might as well be part of an elaborate conspiracy to take him out. If this turns out to be a boring, plain ol’ accidental poisoning, I’m going to be pissed. So keep making your wild, crazy claims and pushing this story, Viktor, I’m with you 100 percent…..
- When you love and celebrate an athlete, actor, musician, etc. for being a certain way or having a certain personality, you can’t turn around and rip them for doing something that lives up to that persona. A prime example of that would be a rock star sporting the prototypical rock star attitude and telling everyone to f’off and eventually having you as one of the people they treat like crap when you ask them for an autograph and they’re a complete dick to you. Same goes for everyone’s favorite space-cadet outfielder, Manny Ramirez of the Boston Red Sox. Pretty much every year since signing his 8-year contract with Boston, ManRam and the team have been unhappy with one another and gone through a saga of him wanting a trade or the team wanting to trade him. In 2004, the Sox actually placed him on waivers, meaning any team could claim him as long as it took on his contract. No team bit, so ManRam remained in Boston and it’s been a non-stop thrill ride ever since. ManRam refuses to play on his promised day off even when the team is shorthanded and desperately needs him, he comes up with fishy sounding injuries and needs time off, etc. Now comes this latest round of sniping from ManRam, directed at the team he’s currently trying to help defend its World Series title. “I'm tired of them. They're tired of me,” Ramirez said, before Sunday night's 9-2 victory over the New York Yankees. In an interview earlier Sunday, Ramirez said he will not block a trade if the Red Sox can make one. “If the Red Sox are a better team without Manny Ramirez, they should trade me; I will not object,” he said. If this were almost anyone else, we might have something significant to talk about here. But since it’s ManRam, it’s basically business as usual. Red Sox owner John Henry seems to feel the same way, responding to Manny’s comments with, “We are concentrating on one thing -- a playoff spot.” And of course, what does ManRam do but follow up those comments by going out and getting three hits, including two doubles, scoring two runs and driving in two more in Sunday night’s win. He’s hitting .302 with 16 home runs and 65 RBIs this season, so he’s still a productive member of the lineup. This whole round of dissent began he missed the two previous games in the Yankees series due to pain in his right knee, pain that led to MRI exams on both knees that revealed no injuries. There were reports in the Boston media that the team was planning to take disciplinary action against Ramirez if he did not return to the lineup,
It was also suggested that Red Sox management might consider trading ManRam before Thursday's deadline. Trade him or not (I’m betting the house on not), this will be Manny’s last season with the team. His contract contains two team options for each of the next two seasons at $20 million per, so count on Boston declining the option for next year and moving on. Some new city will get their turn with ManRam, so line up now for your shot at an eccentric, moody, temperamental, mashing outfielder at the tail end of his career….
- Can Pam Anderson really be a simple house guest and nothing more? If you believe the top-heavy former Baywatch star, the answer is yes. While her new SoCal mansion is still under construction, Pam and her two sons - Dylan, 10 and Brandon, 12 - are shacking up with her former husband and sex tape partner Tommy Lee. The couple’s main claim to fame is the release of their honeymoon sex tape on the Internet, but even their messy divorce hasn’t totally soured Anderson on the idea of them being together. She concedes it’s unlikely, not impossible. “We’re better off friends,” she explained. So the plan is to crash with the ex while construction wraps up, hopefully before Pammy starts work on her new reality series for E!, which is apparently desperate to corner to market on aging, big-rack-sporting actresses with kids who have gone through ugly divorces. They’ve already got Denise Richards and with Anderson’s series Pam: Girl on the Loose set to premiere in August, things are looking good for the network pathetic enough to give that teeth-bleaching, tip-frosting, man-blouse-wearing loser Ryan Seacrest a hosting gig….
- Who doesn’t feel better knowing that not one, not two, but three separate ballistic missile crew members in North Dakota fell asleep this month while holding classified launch code devices? I know that nothing comforts me more than the knowledge that those entrusted with the security of codes to some of our nation’s most powerful weapons can't even stay awake on the job. The National Security Agency and military experts have launched an investigation into the incidents, which I’m sure will be completed in a timely fashion. After all, when has a government panel-run investigation not been conducted in an efficient, timely fashion? But I look forward to a fascinating, 100-page report on the actual physics and biological factors of why these idiots were sleeping on the job. Apparently part of the hiring process for these positions needs to be making sure that applicants can stay awake at their desk for a full eight hours……
-Conspiracy theories are awesome, just awesome. Nothing makes me smile quite like hearing a wronged person spin an elaborate yarn about how there’s a vast, intricate plot to do them in. It doesn’t matter if it’s a matter of great historical or political importance or just an average, run-of-the-mill conspiracy theory involving ordinary people; they’re all a barrel of fun. So you can imagine that when I heard that Russian President Viktor Yushchenko was accusing the godfather of one of his own children and member of his own political party of involvement in his near-fatal poisoning, I was pumped. Granted, Yushchenko hasn’t yet provided any actual evidence that David Zhvania was in any way responsible for the poisoning and supposed plot behind it, but let’s not dwell on the minor details. The fact is that someone hit him with that near-toxic dose of dioxin and it might aed, Yushchenko hasn’t yet provided any actual evidence that David Zhvania was in any way responsible for the poisoning and supposed plot behind it, but let’s not dwell on the minor details. The fact is that someone hit him with that near-toxic dose of dioxin and it might as well be part of a shady conspiracy. To be fair, Yushchenko hasn’t yet provided any actual evidence that David Zhvania was in any way responsible for the poisoning and supposed plot behind it, but let’s not dwell on the minor details. The fact is that someone hit him with that near-toxic dose of dioxin and it might as well be part of an elaborate conspiracy to take him out. If this turns out to be a boring, plain ol’ accidental poisoning, I’m going to be pissed. So keep making your wild, crazy claims and pushing this story, Viktor, I’m with you 100 percent…..
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Iran hates being second, two drunks on one flight and a summer of abysmal music for kids
- Iran will not stand for being second best, not when it comes to how many people it executes in a given calendar year. Last year, the Iranians took their eyes off the prize and the same damn people who are coming for everything else of value in the world by virtue of their sheer numbers, the Chinese, seized the top spot by executing 470 people. Iran only managed 317, leaving them with a lot of work to do in 2008 if they hope to get back to the top. Tomorrow should go a long way toward that end, with 30 convicted criminals set to be executed in one of the bloodiest days you’ll see all year in terms of executions anywhere in the world. All 30 individuals have been tried and convicted by the country’s highest judicial authorities, so the verdicts are final, no appeals, refunds or exchanges. Their crimes include murder, murder in the commission of a crime, disturbing public safety and security and illegal relationships, i.e. sexual relationships between unmarried people. So come Monday when the Execution Top 25 polls roll out for the week, don’t be surprised if Iran has seized that top spot and are the world’s top executioners once again…..
- If there’s one thing I can get with unequivocally, it’s opposing smoking. If you smoke, you are a loser. Sorry if that offends you, but you’re drastically upping your chances for lung cancer, you’re doing the same for anyone who breathes in that toxic crap from your cancer sticks, you’re turning your skinny leathery and green, you’re stinking up any vehicle or room you occupy and you’re wrecking your overall health….and all for what? A small hit of nicotine? That’s the worst deal since the last time anyone paid to see Milli Vanilli in concert, maybe even beyond. So when two of the world’s wealthiest men decide to band together and put some of their fortunes toward stamping out the menace that is smoking, you know I’m down. A big salute to billionaires Bill Gates and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who are teaming up against smoking by pooling $375 million to combat the problem on a global level. The two men announced earlier this week that their efforts will be targeted at developing nations, where tobacco use is highest and educational level about the dangers of smoking is at the lowest. This is a great cause and one I hope more billionaires will get behind……
- EliteXC returned to CBS tonight and to be honest…it was kinda boring. A couple months ago, mixed martial arts made their debut on network TV with a controversial night in which overhyped bruiser Kimbo Slice fought and defeated James “The Colossus” Thompson by basically exploding the giant cantaloupe posing as Thompson’s left ear. That fight capped off a so-so night of fights that was fairly exciting but not overwhelmingly great. This time around, there was no Kimbo. There were guys like Shawn Smith and Robbie Lawler and chicks with made-up-sounding names like Cristiane Cyborg. Also, there was plenty of rolling around on the mat, clutching and grabbing. The bouts were slow-paced and not that exciting, definitely not great TV. When two competitors spend most of the match rolling around like two fighting siblings battling for control of the remote, you can consider that a bad night of TV. Once again, it is important to note that hardcore MMA fans will tell you loudly and repeatedly that EliteXC is not a top-tier MMA league, but right now it is the most visible to the general public and to casual fans who might become interested in the sport if they see and like it. For that reason, “Saturday Night Fights” on CBS is a show that is doing more damage than good for the sport of mixed martial arts here in the United States.
- Does no one care about the children? Everyone claims to, but then you step back and take it all in and you have to wonder. No, I’m not talking about drugs, drinking, gang violence, education or even the dismal future of our economy and Social Security. What I am referring to is the deplorable state of music that is being force-fed to our nation’s youth. If you’re not currently dwelling in a cave (and if you’re reading this, odds are you aren't - my cave readership levels have really plummeted lately), you know what I’m referring to. Two of the highest-grossing artists of the summer and two artists who will have released new albums and gone on major tours by summer’s end are none other than Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Let me repeat that: Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers are two of the biggest musical acts of the summer. What are we doing here, people? Cyrus is a wannabe pop tart singing milk-and-toast mainstream pop music about the travails of high school life and the Jonas Brothers are…well, a trio of overly coiffed siblings who have about as much of an edge as a band as the Wiggles. I get that not all music is fit for consumption by kids, but there are plenty of alternatives that fall somewhere in the continuum of content between these two acts and Korn or Jay-Z. Groups like Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, Weezer, Death Cab for Cutie, Cribs, Tokyo Police Club, What Made Milwaukee Famous and The Almost are nice alternatives if you want your kids to hear music that doesn’t suck (like Cyrus and the Brothers Jonas) and isn't laced with obscenities and references to ho’s (i.e. hip-hop). Please hear me out on this, folks. The youth of this nation needs music that doesn’t blow and right now, they aren’t getting it. Please do your part and help them by shielding them from the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and the like.
- Dammit, why do these things never happen on my flight? The most interesting thing to happen on my flights is typically guessing whether the air waitress on the plane will make it to my section with the drinks and snacks before the plane lands. Never do I get to witness a scene like the one that happened this week on a flight from Greece to Manchester, England. On this flight, two absolutely hammered British women decided that cruising at 32,000 feet over Austria was the best time to go full-on Naomi Campbell and get their fight on. Both women reportedly became upset when the air waitresses on the flight denied them alcohol on account of them already being fall-down drunk. As belligerent drunks are known to do, the women, ages 26 and 27, became belligerent. The 26-year-old was the more unruly of the two, taking a swing at one of the air waitresses with a vodka bottle but doing little damage. The crew were ultimately able to subdue the two women and the flight made an emergency landing in Frankfurt. There, the two alkies were taken from the plane and given sobriety tests, which astonishingly they failed. The flight continued on to its destination and reached Manchester safe but a bit late due to the emergency stop. Back in Frankfurt, the two lushes who caused that stop face criminal charges, with the bottle swinger up against the more serious ones. She has been hit with charges of assault and interference with air traffic, both of which take on added weight in our terrorist-fearing culture of 2008. Y’know, come to think of it, maybe it’s a good thing I’ve never had something like this happen on one of my flights. After all, who wants to see perfectly good vodka wasted by some drunk spilling it by swinging an open bottle at an air waitress? That’s what I thought…..
- If there’s one thing I can get with unequivocally, it’s opposing smoking. If you smoke, you are a loser. Sorry if that offends you, but you’re drastically upping your chances for lung cancer, you’re doing the same for anyone who breathes in that toxic crap from your cancer sticks, you’re turning your skinny leathery and green, you’re stinking up any vehicle or room you occupy and you’re wrecking your overall health….and all for what? A small hit of nicotine? That’s the worst deal since the last time anyone paid to see Milli Vanilli in concert, maybe even beyond. So when two of the world’s wealthiest men decide to band together and put some of their fortunes toward stamping out the menace that is smoking, you know I’m down. A big salute to billionaires Bill Gates and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who are teaming up against smoking by pooling $375 million to combat the problem on a global level. The two men announced earlier this week that their efforts will be targeted at developing nations, where tobacco use is highest and educational level about the dangers of smoking is at the lowest. This is a great cause and one I hope more billionaires will get behind……
- EliteXC returned to CBS tonight and to be honest…it was kinda boring. A couple months ago, mixed martial arts made their debut on network TV with a controversial night in which overhyped bruiser Kimbo Slice fought and defeated James “The Colossus” Thompson by basically exploding the giant cantaloupe posing as Thompson’s left ear. That fight capped off a so-so night of fights that was fairly exciting but not overwhelmingly great. This time around, there was no Kimbo. There were guys like Shawn Smith and Robbie Lawler and chicks with made-up-sounding names like Cristiane Cyborg. Also, there was plenty of rolling around on the mat, clutching and grabbing. The bouts were slow-paced and not that exciting, definitely not great TV. When two competitors spend most of the match rolling around like two fighting siblings battling for control of the remote, you can consider that a bad night of TV. Once again, it is important to note that hardcore MMA fans will tell you loudly and repeatedly that EliteXC is not a top-tier MMA league, but right now it is the most visible to the general public and to casual fans who might become interested in the sport if they see and like it. For that reason, “Saturday Night Fights” on CBS is a show that is doing more damage than good for the sport of mixed martial arts here in the United States.
- Does no one care about the children? Everyone claims to, but then you step back and take it all in and you have to wonder. No, I’m not talking about drugs, drinking, gang violence, education or even the dismal future of our economy and Social Security. What I am referring to is the deplorable state of music that is being force-fed to our nation’s youth. If you’re not currently dwelling in a cave (and if you’re reading this, odds are you aren't - my cave readership levels have really plummeted lately), you know what I’m referring to. Two of the highest-grossing artists of the summer and two artists who will have released new albums and gone on major tours by summer’s end are none other than Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Let me repeat that: Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers are two of the biggest musical acts of the summer. What are we doing here, people? Cyrus is a wannabe pop tart singing milk-and-toast mainstream pop music about the travails of high school life and the Jonas Brothers are…well, a trio of overly coiffed siblings who have about as much of an edge as a band as the Wiggles. I get that not all music is fit for consumption by kids, but there are plenty of alternatives that fall somewhere in the continuum of content between these two acts and Korn or Jay-Z. Groups like Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, Weezer, Death Cab for Cutie, Cribs, Tokyo Police Club, What Made Milwaukee Famous and The Almost are nice alternatives if you want your kids to hear music that doesn’t suck (like Cyrus and the Brothers Jonas) and isn't laced with obscenities and references to ho’s (i.e. hip-hop). Please hear me out on this, folks. The youth of this nation needs music that doesn’t blow and right now, they aren’t getting it. Please do your part and help them by shielding them from the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and the like.
- Dammit, why do these things never happen on my flight? The most interesting thing to happen on my flights is typically guessing whether the air waitress on the plane will make it to my section with the drinks and snacks before the plane lands. Never do I get to witness a scene like the one that happened this week on a flight from Greece to Manchester, England. On this flight, two absolutely hammered British women decided that cruising at 32,000 feet over Austria was the best time to go full-on Naomi Campbell and get their fight on. Both women reportedly became upset when the air waitresses on the flight denied them alcohol on account of them already being fall-down drunk. As belligerent drunks are known to do, the women, ages 26 and 27, became belligerent. The 26-year-old was the more unruly of the two, taking a swing at one of the air waitresses with a vodka bottle but doing little damage. The crew were ultimately able to subdue the two women and the flight made an emergency landing in Frankfurt. There, the two alkies were taken from the plane and given sobriety tests, which astonishingly they failed. The flight continued on to its destination and reached Manchester safe but a bit late due to the emergency stop. Back in Frankfurt, the two lushes who caused that stop face criminal charges, with the bottle swinger up against the more serious ones. She has been hit with charges of assault and interference with air traffic, both of which take on added weight in our terrorist-fearing culture of 2008. Y’know, come to think of it, maybe it’s a good thing I’ve never had something like this happen on one of my flights. After all, who wants to see perfectly good vodka wasted by some drunk spilling it by swinging an open bottle at an air waitress? That’s what I thought…..
Friday, July 25, 2008
The Army ruins a good story, a base-brawl injures a fan and dorks go mainstream
- Minor league baseball is supposed to be just about the most fan-friendly sport there is. Minor league teams roll out all sorts of giveaways, promotions and other events to draw fans in and ticket prices are minimal because you’re trying to entice fans to come see guys who aren’t good enough to be in the big leagues. It’s going to be a lot harder to get fans to come to Dayton Reds games from here on out, what with opposing players now hurling projectile baseball into the stands and drilling fans. The fan beaning took place during a massive in-game brawl in which fifteen players and both managers were ejected. The fight lasted 10 minutes and cleared both benches, all of this over hostilities in Class-A minor league game between affiliates of the Cincinnati Reds and Chicago Cubs on Thursday night. The game was suspended after the fight, but the ejections were reversed by league president George Spelius and the game was completed with Dayton winning 6-5. The injured fan was taken to the hospital after being hit by a ball thrown by Peoria pitcher Julio Castillo, who was throwing at the Dayton dugout but missed during the first-inning melee between Midwest League teams. If he’s missing that badly on that throw, what is dude even doing on the mound in the first place? The fan, who remains unidentified, was treated at Miami Valley Hospital and released. Castillo got to spend the night in jail after was arrested and now faces one count of felonious assault. Sadly, you could actually see the wheels coming off for him early in the game. After a Peoria player was hit in the top of the first, Castillo hit two batters in the bottom half -- one in the head. That’s a no-no, because if you want to retaliate against the opposing team for dotting one of your guys, there is plenty of flesh to hit below the neck, where you aren't endangering a guy’s life. That second hit batsmen by Castillo, Angel Cabrerra, made an aggressive slide into second to break up a double play. Castillo, clearly not the most calm, rational individual on the field, decided that the right choice was to kick it up a notch by sending his next pitch up-and-in to the next Dayton batter. Dayton manager Donnie Scott came out of the dugout to complain to the home plate umpire and interim Peoria manager Carmelo Martinez -- filling in for Ryne Sandberg also came out to talk. Ever mindful of setting a good example for their players, the two managers began arguing, and when Martinez pushed Scott, the benches emptied. The casualty report in the aftermath of this debacle included Dayton shortstop Zack Cozart, who had to leave the game after being hit in the head with a pitch, and Peoria second baseman Gian Guzman, who went out with a broken left leg. Following the brawl, there was an hour-long delay during which the teams protested the ejections by phone to league president George Spelius, saying they didn't want pitchers playing in the outfield to complete the game. Suspensions and fines will be forthcoming once Spelius has a chance to review video footage of the game. All told, not the best night to be taken out to the ol’ ballgame….not unless you enjoy leaving it in an ambulance.
- Dorks, your day has come, You’ve gone mainstream, you’ve become a destination for Hollywood’s famous faces and it’s all happening at ComiCon, the annual convention of dorks that is being held this weekend at the San Diego Convention Center. With film adaptations of comic books becoming all the rage in Hollywood, the film industry is sending its top executives and biggest stars down to ComiCon. With
“Dark Knight,” “Iron Man,” “Hulk,” and “Hellboy” among the list of recent box office hits based on comic books, dorks are no longer the pimply, glasses-wearing, pasty losers everyone makes fun of. Well, we still make fun of them, it’s just that some of the things they love are now being embraced by pop culture. Hollywood studios large and small send development executives down to the festival to prospect for new ideas While Warner Bros. and Marvel Comics can draw from their own collections of comic book heroes, other studios bid on the popular graphic novels and the smaller independent producers try to gamble on new characters who haven’t made it big yet. So important is this convention of the dorks to the film and TV industries that they come here to market all their comic-related properties, releasing trailers, showing clips of films, hosting panels and star-studded autograph fests. If you go by the financial bottom line, those efforts are properly directed. Lifeless nerds like those attending ComiCon were the driving force behind the tremendous response to the midnight showing of "The Dark Knight," which brought in over $18 million at the box office for that screening alone. In looking for that next big hit, Lions Gate is making a big promotional splash at the convention around its December release "The Spirit," based on the popular Will Eisner graphic novel. Stars from the film including Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson will hit the showroom floor. TV is also making its push here, with heavy promotion of the J.J. Abrams sci-fi TV thriller "Fringe," which debuts this fall on Fox. Heck, even non-sci-fi films are being rolled out here. Four major comedies are being previewed -- "Tropic Thunder," "Pineapple Express," "Hamlet 2" and "Disaster Movie." So maybe dorks and nerds can expand their horizon, embrace new genres and use this moment in the sun to become more than…who am I kidding? Once a dork, always a pasty, reclusive, never-kissed-a-girl dork……
- There have to be some very proud college and university presidents and administrators out there right now. The annual lists by Playboy magazine and the Princeton Review detailing the nation’s best party schools have been released and a few distinguished institutions have snagged top 10 slots on both lists. Ranking ninth on both lists was Ohio University in Athens, Ohio (representing the Mid-American Conference, go OU!). Indiana University scored the No. 8 spot on both lists, so all the frats, sororities and stoners at IU should be psyched as well. Other schools making both top 10 lists were the University of Georgia (#6 Playboy/#5 Princeton) and the University of California-Santa Barbara (#5 Playboy/#10 Princeton). Ironically, schools at the top of each list didn’t even crack the top 10 on the other list, with Playboy’s top three of Arizona State at the top, followed by the University of Wisconsin-Madison and San Diego State, not among the top 10 on the Princeton Review list. Likewise, the Princeton Review’s top three of West Virginia University, the University of Mississippi and the University of Texas weren’t among Playboy’s 10 best party schools. Among the criteria used were the quality of keggers, foam parties and ice luges on each campus. So major props to schools who made the top 10 by beer-bonging, burning weed, doing keg stands and burning couches with aplomb, you all should be very proud of yourselves for attending such fine institutions of higher learning.
- There are times when you’re just so proud to be an American, that you can barely keep it in. This would not be one of those times. Three white Pennsylvania teens have been charged with the epithet-laced fatal beating of a Mexican immigrant and the killing is believed to be racially motivated. The incident occurred in the northeastern Pennsylvania town of Port Carbon, where Luis Ramirez was brutally beaten to death by multiple attackers on July 12. Brandon J. Piekarsky, 16, and Colin J. Walsh, 17, have been charged as adults with homicide and ethnic intimidation for their roles in the attack. A third teen, Derrick M. Donchak, 18, has been charged with aggravated assault and ethnic intimidation for his part in the beating, meaning that these three tools are basically accused of beating a man to death because they didn’t like the fact that he was a foreigner. Usually it’s Americans traveling abroad who perpetuate that “ugly American” stereotype, but here are three a-holes doing it on our own soil. Ramirez was reportedly beaten after an argument that included several local high school football players, although it wasn’t immediately known if any of the three aforementioned assaulters were football players. In the end, Ramirez died of head injuries and according to his girlfriend, who says she intends to move away from Port Carbon ASAP, he was often the target of racial intimidation. He was called a “dirty Mexican” on a regular basis, so this assault wasn’t something that came out of the blue. This was a steady stream of hate from bigoted, ignorant, small-minded, backwards, socially retarded idiots. Can’t say I’m too proud to be an American today….
- The U.S. Army gave us a great NFL Draft story, but now the bureaucrats of the Army are ripping that same story away before it even gets a chance to get going. Back in April, the Detroit Lions selected defensive back Caleb Campbell late in the draft even though as a West Point graduate he was committed to five years of Army service as an officer. However, a new Army policy offered Campbell a chance to substitute two years as a recruiter while playing in the NFL for his five years in uniform, assuming he made the Lions’ roster. Everyone had a take on the issue, ranging from the smart ones among us who saw it as a cool way for Campbell to serve his country while chasing his NFL dream to the hard-line military honks with bad crew cuts and shrapnel in their asses who saw it as him skating on his obligations. Well, with the Lions on the verge of starting training camp this week, the Army decided to do its own reversal of field and yank Campbell’s chance to play football. Army 2nd Lt. Caleb Campbell and the Lions received a letter from the Army Wednesday informing them of a shift in policy that will require him to report immediately to begin his five years of service as an officer. This change in policy will align the Army with other branches of the U.S. military in terms of forcing graduates of service academies to serve out their time in uniform even if they have a chance to play a sport professionally. I know this is what these guys sign up for when they attend these schools and Campbell isn't complaining a bit, but this still sucks that the Army can just flip-flop like this and get away with it…..
- Dorks, your day has come, You’ve gone mainstream, you’ve become a destination for Hollywood’s famous faces and it’s all happening at ComiCon, the annual convention of dorks that is being held this weekend at the San Diego Convention Center. With film adaptations of comic books becoming all the rage in Hollywood, the film industry is sending its top executives and biggest stars down to ComiCon. With
“Dark Knight,” “Iron Man,” “Hulk,” and “Hellboy” among the list of recent box office hits based on comic books, dorks are no longer the pimply, glasses-wearing, pasty losers everyone makes fun of. Well, we still make fun of them, it’s just that some of the things they love are now being embraced by pop culture. Hollywood studios large and small send development executives down to the festival to prospect for new ideas While Warner Bros. and Marvel Comics can draw from their own collections of comic book heroes, other studios bid on the popular graphic novels and the smaller independent producers try to gamble on new characters who haven’t made it big yet. So important is this convention of the dorks to the film and TV industries that they come here to market all their comic-related properties, releasing trailers, showing clips of films, hosting panels and star-studded autograph fests. If you go by the financial bottom line, those efforts are properly directed. Lifeless nerds like those attending ComiCon were the driving force behind the tremendous response to the midnight showing of "The Dark Knight," which brought in over $18 million at the box office for that screening alone. In looking for that next big hit, Lions Gate is making a big promotional splash at the convention around its December release "The Spirit," based on the popular Will Eisner graphic novel. Stars from the film including Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson will hit the showroom floor. TV is also making its push here, with heavy promotion of the J.J. Abrams sci-fi TV thriller "Fringe," which debuts this fall on Fox. Heck, even non-sci-fi films are being rolled out here. Four major comedies are being previewed -- "Tropic Thunder," "Pineapple Express," "Hamlet 2" and "Disaster Movie." So maybe dorks and nerds can expand their horizon, embrace new genres and use this moment in the sun to become more than…who am I kidding? Once a dork, always a pasty, reclusive, never-kissed-a-girl dork……
- There have to be some very proud college and university presidents and administrators out there right now. The annual lists by Playboy magazine and the Princeton Review detailing the nation’s best party schools have been released and a few distinguished institutions have snagged top 10 slots on both lists. Ranking ninth on both lists was Ohio University in Athens, Ohio (representing the Mid-American Conference, go OU!). Indiana University scored the No. 8 spot on both lists, so all the frats, sororities and stoners at IU should be psyched as well. Other schools making both top 10 lists were the University of Georgia (#6 Playboy/#5 Princeton) and the University of California-Santa Barbara (#5 Playboy/#10 Princeton). Ironically, schools at the top of each list didn’t even crack the top 10 on the other list, with Playboy’s top three of Arizona State at the top, followed by the University of Wisconsin-Madison and San Diego State, not among the top 10 on the Princeton Review list. Likewise, the Princeton Review’s top three of West Virginia University, the University of Mississippi and the University of Texas weren’t among Playboy’s 10 best party schools. Among the criteria used were the quality of keggers, foam parties and ice luges on each campus. So major props to schools who made the top 10 by beer-bonging, burning weed, doing keg stands and burning couches with aplomb, you all should be very proud of yourselves for attending such fine institutions of higher learning.
- There are times when you’re just so proud to be an American, that you can barely keep it in. This would not be one of those times. Three white Pennsylvania teens have been charged with the epithet-laced fatal beating of a Mexican immigrant and the killing is believed to be racially motivated. The incident occurred in the northeastern Pennsylvania town of Port Carbon, where Luis Ramirez was brutally beaten to death by multiple attackers on July 12. Brandon J. Piekarsky, 16, and Colin J. Walsh, 17, have been charged as adults with homicide and ethnic intimidation for their roles in the attack. A third teen, Derrick M. Donchak, 18, has been charged with aggravated assault and ethnic intimidation for his part in the beating, meaning that these three tools are basically accused of beating a man to death because they didn’t like the fact that he was a foreigner. Usually it’s Americans traveling abroad who perpetuate that “ugly American” stereotype, but here are three a-holes doing it on our own soil. Ramirez was reportedly beaten after an argument that included several local high school football players, although it wasn’t immediately known if any of the three aforementioned assaulters were football players. In the end, Ramirez died of head injuries and according to his girlfriend, who says she intends to move away from Port Carbon ASAP, he was often the target of racial intimidation. He was called a “dirty Mexican” on a regular basis, so this assault wasn’t something that came out of the blue. This was a steady stream of hate from bigoted, ignorant, small-minded, backwards, socially retarded idiots. Can’t say I’m too proud to be an American today….
- The U.S. Army gave us a great NFL Draft story, but now the bureaucrats of the Army are ripping that same story away before it even gets a chance to get going. Back in April, the Detroit Lions selected defensive back Caleb Campbell late in the draft even though as a West Point graduate he was committed to five years of Army service as an officer. However, a new Army policy offered Campbell a chance to substitute two years as a recruiter while playing in the NFL for his five years in uniform, assuming he made the Lions’ roster. Everyone had a take on the issue, ranging from the smart ones among us who saw it as a cool way for Campbell to serve his country while chasing his NFL dream to the hard-line military honks with bad crew cuts and shrapnel in their asses who saw it as him skating on his obligations. Well, with the Lions on the verge of starting training camp this week, the Army decided to do its own reversal of field and yank Campbell’s chance to play football. Army 2nd Lt. Caleb Campbell and the Lions received a letter from the Army Wednesday informing them of a shift in policy that will require him to report immediately to begin his five years of service as an officer. This change in policy will align the Army with other branches of the U.S. military in terms of forcing graduates of service academies to serve out their time in uniform even if they have a chance to play a sport professionally. I know this is what these guys sign up for when they attend these schools and Campbell isn't complaining a bit, but this still sucks that the Army can just flip-flop like this and get away with it…..
Thursday, July 24, 2008
A great mayor in Detroit, a St. Nick Convention and late night tv's transition
- We’ve known it’s coming for a while now, but the end of Jay Leno’s run as host of The Tonight Show now has a definitive end point. Leno’s final show will be on May 29, 2009 and after that, his future with NBC is uncertain. NBC has stated that it would like to keep Leno with the network, but as of yet he hasn’t decided what’s next for him. Conan O’Brien is lined up to take Leno’s place beginning in June 2009, with Jimmy Fallon entering the late-night game behind him by taking over O’Brien’s spot as host of Late Night. Fallon will actually get a head start on his new gig by hosting short, Internet-only shows beginning in March or April. Personally, I moved on to The Daily Show and The Colbert Report long ago, so this switch doesn’t affect me that much. Still, this looks like a huge step down in quality for NBC, as I’ve never been a huge fan of O’Brien’s bizarre humor and Fallon….umm, he’s not that funny. A few decent SNL skits here and there and a Pepsi commercial wherein you dance on the top of a car don’t qualify you to be a late-night TV host….
- Maybe Brett Favre really is the ignorant, simple country bumpkin that he purports himself to be. Depending on who you believe, Favre allegedly used a Packers-provided cell phone to make illegal phone calls to Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress. The Vikings had already been accused of tampering with Favre, whose saga of retiring and unretiring has taken the NFL hostage at this point. Because he’s still property of the Packers, no other team can talk with Favre about his contract status or his coming to play for them unless the Packers give permission. So allegations that Childress and Favre have been chatting it up on a cell phone the Packers actually provided for Favre…that’s freaking hilarious. Anyone who has ever watched more than two minutes of 24 or CSI knows that you can find out who someone has talked to on their cell phone and when in no time at all. At this point, there are differing reports as to whether Favre even has a cell phone issued by the Packers, so this may turn out to be a moot point. That being said, I hope it’s true. How could it not be funny for this guy to be such a moron that he would use that cell phone to so blatantly violate the rules in a manner that all but assured the Packers would find out? Boy, you’re really handling this whole situation like a pro, Brett. Well done!
- What’s not awesome about criminally sabotaging the career of a co-worker because you’re jealous of them? Who doesn’t love hearing about some bitter schlub who just can’t outdo the person next to them and thus commits felonies in order to get the advantage that their own skills and performance can’t get them? Enter fired newscaster Larry Mendte of Philadelphia, who just couldn’t get over the adulation and praise that popular co-anchor Alycia Lane received. So what did Larry do? He hacked into Lane’s email account at the station, poring through hundreds of her personal emails or the course of two years. He then leaked some very personal information about her and ultimately brought about her personal and professional downfall. Now neither of them is with KYW-TV, but whereas Lane’s disgrace more or less ends there, Mendte now faces criminal charges as possible prison time. Way to go, Larry. As always, hope that was worth it, you tool….
- Better you than us, Denmark. This week, Danes are subjected to one of the more unpalatable groups of losers in this world - a group of 140 Santa Clauses for the World Santa Claus Congress. Yes, there is a World Santa Claus Congress. The undereducated, bitter losers who slam on a white beard, red suit and pillow on their belly to fill the role of St. Nick at local malls around the world are gather for a three-day conference at a park north of Copenhagen. There, they will discuss important issues like…..like….what to do if little Timmy or Pablo barfs on your pants? What is the age limit for a girl to be able to sit on your lap and it to still be appropriate and not in violation of sexual predator laws? Do these dudes have teambuilding exercises where you do a relay race with packed sacks full of toys? Are there trust falls involved? I’m actually kinda curious about this now…but that still doesn’t mean this would be any less lame if it were taking place here in the United States.
- What a proud day this must be for you, residents of Detroit. Your mayor, the one and only Kwame Kilpatrick, continues to make his city look so good by having two criminal charges against him amended by Wayne County Prosecutor Kym Worthy, who is now accusing the mayor of lying about other previously unreported extramarital affairs. Kilpatrick was already facing charges for lying about an affair with his then-chief of staff, but apparently that wasn’t the only affair he was hiding. Spokeswoman Maria Miller declined to comment other than to say that one perjury charge was changed to reflect allegations the mayor lied about affairs with “others.” Who those “others” are has not been revealed, although presumably they’re not the same Others that occupy the island on “Lost.” I could be wrong on that, but I doubt it. Also tacked on to the case against Kilpatrick is a misconduct in office charge that has been changed to accuse Kilpatrick of cutting a secret settlement to hide his text messages not only to cover-up his lying under oath, but — as the new information charges — to keep other embarrassing information in the messages secret. This guy is a real piece of work - having multiple secret affairs, sending incriminating text messages, trying to bribe and coerce people to cover up his misdeeds - and Detroit has to be pumped to have him as its mayor. This mess all began when it was reported in January that Kilpatrick and his then-chief of staff, Christine Beatty, lied under oath last summer during a police whistle blower trial when they denied their sexual relationship and gave misleading testimony about the firing of a police official. Two months later Kilpatrick and Beatty were charged with multiple counts of perjury, obstruction of justice, conspiracy and misconduct in office. These amended charges don’t add more criminal counts against Kilpatrick; they just modify and amplify the existing ones. Again, how psyched would you be to live in Detroit right now? Your highest-ranking city official is Kilpatrick and the guy running your country is a lying, warmongering mental midget, W. Sucks to be you right now, residents of the D.
- Maybe Brett Favre really is the ignorant, simple country bumpkin that he purports himself to be. Depending on who you believe, Favre allegedly used a Packers-provided cell phone to make illegal phone calls to Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress. The Vikings had already been accused of tampering with Favre, whose saga of retiring and unretiring has taken the NFL hostage at this point. Because he’s still property of the Packers, no other team can talk with Favre about his contract status or his coming to play for them unless the Packers give permission. So allegations that Childress and Favre have been chatting it up on a cell phone the Packers actually provided for Favre…that’s freaking hilarious. Anyone who has ever watched more than two minutes of 24 or CSI knows that you can find out who someone has talked to on their cell phone and when in no time at all. At this point, there are differing reports as to whether Favre even has a cell phone issued by the Packers, so this may turn out to be a moot point. That being said, I hope it’s true. How could it not be funny for this guy to be such a moron that he would use that cell phone to so blatantly violate the rules in a manner that all but assured the Packers would find out? Boy, you’re really handling this whole situation like a pro, Brett. Well done!
- What’s not awesome about criminally sabotaging the career of a co-worker because you’re jealous of them? Who doesn’t love hearing about some bitter schlub who just can’t outdo the person next to them and thus commits felonies in order to get the advantage that their own skills and performance can’t get them? Enter fired newscaster Larry Mendte of Philadelphia, who just couldn’t get over the adulation and praise that popular co-anchor Alycia Lane received. So what did Larry do? He hacked into Lane’s email account at the station, poring through hundreds of her personal emails or the course of two years. He then leaked some very personal information about her and ultimately brought about her personal and professional downfall. Now neither of them is with KYW-TV, but whereas Lane’s disgrace more or less ends there, Mendte now faces criminal charges as possible prison time. Way to go, Larry. As always, hope that was worth it, you tool….
- Better you than us, Denmark. This week, Danes are subjected to one of the more unpalatable groups of losers in this world - a group of 140 Santa Clauses for the World Santa Claus Congress. Yes, there is a World Santa Claus Congress. The undereducated, bitter losers who slam on a white beard, red suit and pillow on their belly to fill the role of St. Nick at local malls around the world are gather for a three-day conference at a park north of Copenhagen. There, they will discuss important issues like…..like….what to do if little Timmy or Pablo barfs on your pants? What is the age limit for a girl to be able to sit on your lap and it to still be appropriate and not in violation of sexual predator laws? Do these dudes have teambuilding exercises where you do a relay race with packed sacks full of toys? Are there trust falls involved? I’m actually kinda curious about this now…but that still doesn’t mean this would be any less lame if it were taking place here in the United States.
- What a proud day this must be for you, residents of Detroit. Your mayor, the one and only Kwame Kilpatrick, continues to make his city look so good by having two criminal charges against him amended by Wayne County Prosecutor Kym Worthy, who is now accusing the mayor of lying about other previously unreported extramarital affairs. Kilpatrick was already facing charges for lying about an affair with his then-chief of staff, but apparently that wasn’t the only affair he was hiding. Spokeswoman Maria Miller declined to comment other than to say that one perjury charge was changed to reflect allegations the mayor lied about affairs with “others.” Who those “others” are has not been revealed, although presumably they’re not the same Others that occupy the island on “Lost.” I could be wrong on that, but I doubt it. Also tacked on to the case against Kilpatrick is a misconduct in office charge that has been changed to accuse Kilpatrick of cutting a secret settlement to hide his text messages not only to cover-up his lying under oath, but — as the new information charges — to keep other embarrassing information in the messages secret. This guy is a real piece of work - having multiple secret affairs, sending incriminating text messages, trying to bribe and coerce people to cover up his misdeeds - and Detroit has to be pumped to have him as its mayor. This mess all began when it was reported in January that Kilpatrick and his then-chief of staff, Christine Beatty, lied under oath last summer during a police whistle blower trial when they denied their sexual relationship and gave misleading testimony about the firing of a police official. Two months later Kilpatrick and Beatty were charged with multiple counts of perjury, obstruction of justice, conspiracy and misconduct in office. These amended charges don’t add more criminal counts against Kilpatrick; they just modify and amplify the existing ones. Again, how psyched would you be to live in Detroit right now? Your highest-ranking city official is Kilpatrick and the guy running your country is a lying, warmongering mental midget, W. Sucks to be you right now, residents of the D.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Some American allies are smart, gun advocates in Idaho are dumb and thieves of ginormous horse statues are morons
- This should be really interesting. A lying, cheating, not especially bright, disgraced former track star appealing to the dumbest, most inept, worst president in United States history for a commutation of her sentence on convictions for lying to the authorities about using performance-enhancing drugs and taking part in a check-fraud scam. Marion Jones, the gap-toothed former sprinter who is now staring down a six-month federal prison sentence and is looking to get out of it. Hey M., and is looking to get out of it. Hey M., memo to you: no one wants to go to prison. That’s why it’s called prison, idiot. But you committed a crime, a crime for which you were found guilty and when you commit certain crimes, you go to prison. You not wanting to go there doesn’t entitle you to a commuted sentence, you arrogant wench. For the love of God, it’s only six months! I know they say in prison time seems to move much slower, but it’s six f’ing months! Suck it up, don your ugly blue or orange prison jumpsuit and shuffle on down to the rec room with the rest of the inmates. It’s federal prison, not San Quentin. You’re not in with convicted murderers and serial rapists; your cellmates will be women guilty of crimes like tax fraud, identity theft and perjury. Our president may be a mentally stunted idiot with the IQ of a turnip, but even he’s not going to let you off the hook for your crimes…at least I don’t think so….
- It wasn’t just a record-breaking weekend for the stars of “The Dark Knight,” it was also a law-breaking opening weekend. While his new film was shattering every box office mark in sight, Christian Bale was having trouble with a villain of his own - his temper. Back in his native country for the European premiere of the latest Batman flick, Bale was arrested Tuesday on charges that he assaulted his sister and mother at the Dorchester Hotel in England Sunday night. According to police reports, the two women came to them to complain about the alleged assault but they did not arrest Bale before Tuesday because they didn’t want to interfere with the big movie premiere. Nice to know that it’s not just here in America that famous people receive preferential treatment, isn't it? I don’t know what happened here and making a definitive judgment on it before the facts are in would be stupid, but I will say that it’s clear some sort of physicality happened between Bale, his mother and his sister and that’s just a douche bag move on his part. It doesn’t matter if it was a minor family disagreement that is being blown out of proportion; you don’t use physical force on family members unless you’re both under the age of 13 and the dispute is over something stupid like who was playing with whose Nintendo DS. You may be the star of what may end up as the highest-earning movie ever, but you don’t get to rough up family members with impunity….
- See, these are the problems you run into when stealing a ginormous bronze horse statue. I myself would be thieving one of these equine works of art every week if not for the never-ending troubles you face when you try and sell your acquisition. I just don’t have any desire to put myself in the position that Ian MacDonald of Cherry Hill, N.J. now finds himself in. MacDonald decided that it would be a good idea to heist a 1-ton bronze statue of a horse from a racetrack near his home. Ironically, the actual theft of the statue was the best part of his plan; from there, things went to hell. Once he and his boys had gotten the statue and taken it from the track, the next step was breaking it down into smaller pieces and selling it to a salvage yard. Unfortunately for my man Ian, at the rate he was getting from the salvage yard, he would have made about $4,000. The estimated value for the horse as a piece of art? In the neighborhood of $500,000, give or take a bit. Yes, this ass clown was working with a negative 124,000-percent margin in terms of what he was getting versus the value of the statue. Well done, bro, well done. Again, this is why ginormous bronze horse statues aren't something you want to be stealing…..
- This should really bolster your case for the right to own guns, gun rights activists. Ten members of the whack-job group www.OpenCarry.org decided that the best way to lobby for the right to pack heat in the state of Idaho would be to strap on their weapons and head to the zoo. This wonderful situation happened Saturday when these gun whackos came to Zoo Boise packing heat and looking to make a statement. Mission accomplished. You made a statement, that statement being, “Hey, we’re a bunch of insane, irresponsible morons who bring firearms to a place where hundreds of kids and families come to a time of fun an relaxation.” Seriously, did you non consider the fact that you were injecting potentially deadly weapons into an environment where many young children were? I know your argument would probably be that you are responsible with your guns and know how to use them, but that doesn’t fly. You’re putting guns into a setting where too much could go wrong and there are a lot of people around you who don’t know how to use guns. Furthermore, what if someone else in the park has a weapon and they’re some 18-year-old punk gang member? What happens if they pull their 9mm because one of you cuts in front of them in line and a firefight breaks out? Unfortunately, zoo policy didn’t prevent these morons from entering the premises, so they were allowed in for their “protest.” Next time, slam a drawing of a gun on a placard, affix it to a long wooden stick, slam some pro-gun rhetoric on that sign and walk in circles outside the gate, you losers.
- Seems our allies in the Iraq war are much, much smarter than we are here in America. By America, I of course mean the joker we call our president, because he’s the one keeping us there when we never should have gone in the first place. But over in Britain, Prime Minister Gordon Brown seems to grasp the concept of getting his country’s forces out of someone else’s country before they really overstay their welcome. In a speech to the House of Commons Monday, Brown stated that by the beginning of 2009, Britain will be withdrawing at least a portion of its 4,100 troops from Iraq. He promised that his government will “continue to reduce the number of troops in Iraq” as progress is made, progress based largely on the British military’s ability to transition security duties over to the Iraqis. Of course, the U.S. has many more troops in Iraq, so pulling them out will take longer. However, you can’t finish if you won’t f’ing start, W. Take a hint from your buddy Gordon Brown and set a firm timetable for getting our fighting men and women out of a place they have no right to be.
- It wasn’t just a record-breaking weekend for the stars of “The Dark Knight,” it was also a law-breaking opening weekend. While his new film was shattering every box office mark in sight, Christian Bale was having trouble with a villain of his own - his temper. Back in his native country for the European premiere of the latest Batman flick, Bale was arrested Tuesday on charges that he assaulted his sister and mother at the Dorchester Hotel in England Sunday night. According to police reports, the two women came to them to complain about the alleged assault but they did not arrest Bale before Tuesday because they didn’t want to interfere with the big movie premiere. Nice to know that it’s not just here in America that famous people receive preferential treatment, isn't it? I don’t know what happened here and making a definitive judgment on it before the facts are in would be stupid, but I will say that it’s clear some sort of physicality happened between Bale, his mother and his sister and that’s just a douche bag move on his part. It doesn’t matter if it was a minor family disagreement that is being blown out of proportion; you don’t use physical force on family members unless you’re both under the age of 13 and the dispute is over something stupid like who was playing with whose Nintendo DS. You may be the star of what may end up as the highest-earning movie ever, but you don’t get to rough up family members with impunity….
- See, these are the problems you run into when stealing a ginormous bronze horse statue. I myself would be thieving one of these equine works of art every week if not for the never-ending troubles you face when you try and sell your acquisition. I just don’t have any desire to put myself in the position that Ian MacDonald of Cherry Hill, N.J. now finds himself in. MacDonald decided that it would be a good idea to heist a 1-ton bronze statue of a horse from a racetrack near his home. Ironically, the actual theft of the statue was the best part of his plan; from there, things went to hell. Once he and his boys had gotten the statue and taken it from the track, the next step was breaking it down into smaller pieces and selling it to a salvage yard. Unfortunately for my man Ian, at the rate he was getting from the salvage yard, he would have made about $4,000. The estimated value for the horse as a piece of art? In the neighborhood of $500,000, give or take a bit. Yes, this ass clown was working with a negative 124,000-percent margin in terms of what he was getting versus the value of the statue. Well done, bro, well done. Again, this is why ginormous bronze horse statues aren't something you want to be stealing…..
- This should really bolster your case for the right to own guns, gun rights activists. Ten members of the whack-job group www.OpenCarry.org decided that the best way to lobby for the right to pack heat in the state of Idaho would be to strap on their weapons and head to the zoo. This wonderful situation happened Saturday when these gun whackos came to Zoo Boise packing heat and looking to make a statement. Mission accomplished. You made a statement, that statement being, “Hey, we’re a bunch of insane, irresponsible morons who bring firearms to a place where hundreds of kids and families come to a time of fun an relaxation.” Seriously, did you non consider the fact that you were injecting potentially deadly weapons into an environment where many young children were? I know your argument would probably be that you are responsible with your guns and know how to use them, but that doesn’t fly. You’re putting guns into a setting where too much could go wrong and there are a lot of people around you who don’t know how to use guns. Furthermore, what if someone else in the park has a weapon and they’re some 18-year-old punk gang member? What happens if they pull their 9mm because one of you cuts in front of them in line and a firefight breaks out? Unfortunately, zoo policy didn’t prevent these morons from entering the premises, so they were allowed in for their “protest.” Next time, slam a drawing of a gun on a placard, affix it to a long wooden stick, slam some pro-gun rhetoric on that sign and walk in circles outside the gate, you losers.
- Seems our allies in the Iraq war are much, much smarter than we are here in America. By America, I of course mean the joker we call our president, because he’s the one keeping us there when we never should have gone in the first place. But over in Britain, Prime Minister Gordon Brown seems to grasp the concept of getting his country’s forces out of someone else’s country before they really overstay their welcome. In a speech to the House of Commons Monday, Brown stated that by the beginning of 2009, Britain will be withdrawing at least a portion of its 4,100 troops from Iraq. He promised that his government will “continue to reduce the number of troops in Iraq” as progress is made, progress based largely on the British military’s ability to transition security duties over to the Iraqis. Of course, the U.S. has many more troops in Iraq, so pulling them out will take longer. However, you can’t finish if you won’t f’ing start, W. Take a hint from your buddy Gordon Brown and set a firm timetable for getting our fighting men and women out of a place they have no right to be.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Elections where no one wins, DMX = S-C-U-M-B-A-G and The Dark Knights breaks lots of records
- Why am I not surprised that when W. finally reached the point where he had to start negotiating a timetable for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq, all he would approve was a vague timetable? With the Iraqi government rightly pressing the U.S. to get the hell off their soil (nice of you to finally work up some indignation over that, Iraq - only five years in the making), the United States has magnanimously agreed to a “general time horizon” for the withdrawal. Look at W., he doesn’t even have the testicular fortitude to call it a timeline, he makes up some generic, ambiguous term like “general time horizon.” Don’t be fooled; this isn't a hard and fast declaration of what should be declared, that we need to vacate Iraq ASAP because we’ve never had a right to be there. It’s more of a symbolic gesture to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, but at this point even a symbolic gesture is an improvement. Democrats - including presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama - rightly hailed it as an overdue recognition of the need to bring the Iraq war to a close. The decree comes as the U.S. and Iraq negotiate a security agreement to provide for the housing of American and coalition troops on Iraqi soil beyond the end of the current agreement, slated to expire at the end of 2008. At this point, this mess is a matter of perspective and for those of us desperate to see this abortion of a war end, any step at all towards that noble goal is a good one.
- Fans and pundits are awfully critical of athletes who don’t have a plan for what to do with their lives once their playing career is over. Making the transition from active competitor to ordinary citizen can be tough, especially if the athlete didn’t attend or complete college. That being said, I’d like to take a minute to salute professional boxer and junior welterweight contender Edgar “El Camacho” Santana for his business interests outside of the ring. Yes, Santana was just arrested along with 11 compatriots for taking part in an international cocaine trafficking ring. Yes, he allegedly conspired with these other individuals to smuggle cocaine from Puerto Rico to New York, where it was then sold for a tidy profit. Narcotics detectives seized several tons of blow and $450,000 in a raid and you have to wonder what this does to Santana’s Aug. 6 bout against Ali Oubaali in the main event of an ESPN2 broadcast. His 24-3 record won't do him much good in fighting these drug charges, bur why not look on the bright side? Here is an athlete who not only knows what he wants to do with his life after boxing, he’s already doing it. So what if his choice of business endeavors is importing illegal narcotics? Are we going to allow one small detail like that to ruin an otherwise encouraging story? Props to you, Edgar, for having a plan for your life….
- No one is surprised that the new Batman movie “The Dark Knight” literally lapped every other movie out this past weekend. That the film had multiple times the amount that the amount the other top 12 movies made combined isn't a stunner either. Still, I don’t think too many people predicted these jaw-dropping box office totals of $155.34 million for the weekend. It is literally the best opening wekened for any movie, ever. Anywhere, any time, any genre, any weekend of any year. The next closest film was actually a hugely disappointing one from a cinematic quality standpoint. In May of 2007, “Spiderman 3” brought in the previous record of $151.1 million. That’s not the only earnings record “The Dark Knight” set, either. The film also brought in the best IMAX debut mark of $6.2 million, again topping “Spiderman 3”, which raked in $4.7 million last year. The best part of this is that this is truly a great, rich, layered and well-written movie with good acting AND good special effects. It has all of the components and in spite of the dorks who dressed up in Batman costumes and drove their own homemade versions of the Batmobile to see midnight showings on opening night, it was an awesome first weekend for Batman.
- Here’s a bit of hip-hop mathematics for you: DMX = S-C-U-M-B-A-G. That lesson is brought to you by rapper DMX, who in spite of being a millionaire several times over apparently feels that he’s not obligated to pay his own medical bills. The rapper, whose real name is Earl Simmons, went to the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Ariz. in April and ran up a $7,500 bill. Because one of the most popular rappers in the game just doesn’t have enough Benjamin’s to pay that bill, Simmons gave a false name and social security number when he was admitted. Whoops! That kind of mistake can happen to anyone…..assuming that they too are looking to get some free medical care and lie out their ass. Ironically, this case began when police were investigating Simmons for animal neglect at a home he owns in the area. That investigation also led to felony drug possession charges, so my man DMX is working hard to build his street cred here. Three arrests on serious and diverse charges within the span of a few months is good work, bro. Hang on, what’s that? I’m short-changing DMX? He was also arrested at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport this month on outstanding warrants after failing to appear in court on other charges against him? Wow….I’m not even upset. I’m impressed. That’s amazing. Now I’m wondering how this dude has any time for his musical career, what with his burgeoning career as a jack-of-all-felonies criminal. Hope you have a great team of lawyers, DMX, you’re going to need them.
- This sounds eerily familiar. A presidential election in which no one wins. It happened late last week in Nepal, where none of the three candidates in the election won enough votes from the 594-member Constituent Assembly to be elected. One candidate needed to win at least half of the votes to become president, but the three of them split the votes equally enough that none had a majority. Why does that sound familiar? Because in the United States, we also have had elections where no one won, both in 2000 and 2004? Yes, we got a president out of both elections, but that doesn’t mean anyone won. The country lost because we’ve been saddled with an incompetent, inept, intellectually stunted, arrogant mental midget for the past seven and a half years. The economy lost because it’s been on its own personal Bataan death march ever since W. took over. Our military lost because thousands of them have been sent to die in a place they never should have been. Iraq lost for the obvious reasons, i.e. it’s been overrun and occupied indefinitely but a rude nation that just won't leave. Even W. himself lost, as the world at large has seen what an ass clown he is, how incredibly stupid he is and that he has worse approval ratings than any president ever. But take solace, Nepal, in the fact that all three of the candidates in your election are assuredly more competent than our guy. A runoff election between the two top candidates will now take place, meaning Nepal may have a president by week’s end. Here in the U.S., we’re strapped with our albatross of a leader until January….
- Fans and pundits are awfully critical of athletes who don’t have a plan for what to do with their lives once their playing career is over. Making the transition from active competitor to ordinary citizen can be tough, especially if the athlete didn’t attend or complete college. That being said, I’d like to take a minute to salute professional boxer and junior welterweight contender Edgar “El Camacho” Santana for his business interests outside of the ring. Yes, Santana was just arrested along with 11 compatriots for taking part in an international cocaine trafficking ring. Yes, he allegedly conspired with these other individuals to smuggle cocaine from Puerto Rico to New York, where it was then sold for a tidy profit. Narcotics detectives seized several tons of blow and $450,000 in a raid and you have to wonder what this does to Santana’s Aug. 6 bout against Ali Oubaali in the main event of an ESPN2 broadcast. His 24-3 record won't do him much good in fighting these drug charges, bur why not look on the bright side? Here is an athlete who not only knows what he wants to do with his life after boxing, he’s already doing it. So what if his choice of business endeavors is importing illegal narcotics? Are we going to allow one small detail like that to ruin an otherwise encouraging story? Props to you, Edgar, for having a plan for your life….
- No one is surprised that the new Batman movie “The Dark Knight” literally lapped every other movie out this past weekend. That the film had multiple times the amount that the amount the other top 12 movies made combined isn't a stunner either. Still, I don’t think too many people predicted these jaw-dropping box office totals of $155.34 million for the weekend. It is literally the best opening wekened for any movie, ever. Anywhere, any time, any genre, any weekend of any year. The next closest film was actually a hugely disappointing one from a cinematic quality standpoint. In May of 2007, “Spiderman 3” brought in the previous record of $151.1 million. That’s not the only earnings record “The Dark Knight” set, either. The film also brought in the best IMAX debut mark of $6.2 million, again topping “Spiderman 3”, which raked in $4.7 million last year. The best part of this is that this is truly a great, rich, layered and well-written movie with good acting AND good special effects. It has all of the components and in spite of the dorks who dressed up in Batman costumes and drove their own homemade versions of the Batmobile to see midnight showings on opening night, it was an awesome first weekend for Batman.
- Here’s a bit of hip-hop mathematics for you: DMX = S-C-U-M-B-A-G. That lesson is brought to you by rapper DMX, who in spite of being a millionaire several times over apparently feels that he’s not obligated to pay his own medical bills. The rapper, whose real name is Earl Simmons, went to the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Ariz. in April and ran up a $7,500 bill. Because one of the most popular rappers in the game just doesn’t have enough Benjamin’s to pay that bill, Simmons gave a false name and social security number when he was admitted. Whoops! That kind of mistake can happen to anyone…..assuming that they too are looking to get some free medical care and lie out their ass. Ironically, this case began when police were investigating Simmons for animal neglect at a home he owns in the area. That investigation also led to felony drug possession charges, so my man DMX is working hard to build his street cred here. Three arrests on serious and diverse charges within the span of a few months is good work, bro. Hang on, what’s that? I’m short-changing DMX? He was also arrested at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport this month on outstanding warrants after failing to appear in court on other charges against him? Wow….I’m not even upset. I’m impressed. That’s amazing. Now I’m wondering how this dude has any time for his musical career, what with his burgeoning career as a jack-of-all-felonies criminal. Hope you have a great team of lawyers, DMX, you’re going to need them.
- This sounds eerily familiar. A presidential election in which no one wins. It happened late last week in Nepal, where none of the three candidates in the election won enough votes from the 594-member Constituent Assembly to be elected. One candidate needed to win at least half of the votes to become president, but the three of them split the votes equally enough that none had a majority. Why does that sound familiar? Because in the United States, we also have had elections where no one won, both in 2000 and 2004? Yes, we got a president out of both elections, but that doesn’t mean anyone won. The country lost because we’ve been saddled with an incompetent, inept, intellectually stunted, arrogant mental midget for the past seven and a half years. The economy lost because it’s been on its own personal Bataan death march ever since W. took over. Our military lost because thousands of them have been sent to die in a place they never should have been. Iraq lost for the obvious reasons, i.e. it’s been overrun and occupied indefinitely but a rude nation that just won't leave. Even W. himself lost, as the world at large has seen what an ass clown he is, how incredibly stupid he is and that he has worse approval ratings than any president ever. But take solace, Nepal, in the fact that all three of the candidates in your election are assuredly more competent than our guy. A runoff election between the two top candidates will now take place, meaning Nepal may have a president by week’s end. Here in the U.S., we’re strapped with our albatross of a leader until January….
Monday, July 21, 2008
The power of the riot, soccer does some good and lightning terrorizes Russia
- Behold the power of the riot! After four months of rioting, protesting and clashing with police, Argentine farmers have won their battle against Presidente Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and forced her to cancel a massive export tax on agricultural products. The 44-percent tax on soybeans, corn, wheat and sunflower seeds was excessive from the start and wiped out much of the profit margin for the farmers. Had the tax been a more reasonable percentage, something in the 10-15 percent range, all of this could have been avoided. As is, Chief of Cabinet Alberto Fernandez revealed in a television address that the president had signed a decree removing the tax after the country’s Senate had voted against it in a very close vote. The tax went into place on March 11 and farmers wasted no time in taking it to the streets, blocking highways and preventing goods destined for Europe and Asia from making it to port. President Fernandez had previously rejected pleas to repeal the tax, calling the actions of the farmers “extortion.” When they stood tall and didn’t give in, it was The Man finally surrendering to the will of the people. Riots work, folks, and for that reason I continue to support, salute and celebrate them.
- Hey hey, soccer has finally done something good here in the United States. For years, all the sport has given us is a gaggle of kids under the age of 12 kicking the ball around haphazardly, playing in games where no score is kept so as to not hurt the feelings of the losers, downing orange wedges and Capri Sun after games and riding home in mom’s minivan. Yes, there have also been second-rate attempts to pro soccer leagues wherein past-their-prime Euro stars have been imported in a vain attempt to establish soccer as a legit sport in the U.S., but that’s not much of a contribution. Well, we now have a tangible contribution to our nation’s welfare thanks to the current second-rate soccer league here in America, Major League Soccer. This past Thursday, an American Airlines flight from Boston to Los Angeles was disrupted and diverted to Oklahoma City when a male passenger stripped nude, put his clothes back on and attempted to open one of the plane’s emergency exit doors. Aboard the plane were members of the New England Revolution, an MLS team of no repute. Clearly these soccer players weren’t fazed by this outlandish behavior; after all, for soccer fan, stripping and disrupting a vehicle of mass transit it just a warm-up for the big game. Several Revolution players got out of their seats and subdued the disruptive passenger, allowing the plane to land safely in Oklahoma City. The whack-a-doo who caused the chaos was escorted from the plane and given a mental health evaluation while the plane continued on to L.A. Thank you for your help keeping our nation safe, soccer players. Now if we could only get you to stop pretending like you’ve been shot by an Uzi or severely electrocuted every time someone so much as breathes on you during a game, we’d be golden….
- Lightning is wreaking havoc in Russia and the government thinks it knows who to blame. No, not the weather itself, source of the lightning, but rather the very people being injured and killed by lightning strikes. With a dozen people injured or killed by lightning strikes in the past two weeks, weather officials in Russia are fingering the use of high-tech gadgets by victims as the main cause of the trouble. Among the devices receiving blame are cell phones and MP3 players. “These things are electromagnetic field carriers. That makes them, in essence, conductors. Thunderbolts are attracted to such things,” declared Leonid Tarkov of the weather observation center FOBOS. Unfortunately for Leo and likeminded Russian officials, nearly every scientist on Earth has denounced this concept because the extremely small electromagnetic energy given off by your cell phone or iPod is not enough to trigger a lightning strike. Aside from having a metal object on your person, which does pose some threat, Tarkov’s claim is just another lie coming from a person in power in Russia. While he fingers those who have been harmed, people like Marina Sodykova, 26, are dying. She was among three sunbathers in the city of Neftekamsk who were struck and killed by lightning last Wednesday. The three victims were laying out at the beach on the banks of the Kama River, some 800 miles east of Moscow, which bolts of lightning struck the beach and raised 25 feet of sand. Sodykova was talking on a cell phone at the time she was killed, with her phone found melted in her hand. This is just an all-around scary situation, but with that being said how about we try to stop blaming the deceased, Russian officials…..
- I’ll make this blunt and to the point for the tools in programming over at ESPN: poker is not now, has never been and will never be a sport. It has no place on a sports network or any other TV network for that point. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let me say for the eight billionth time how incredibly lame televised poker is. Again, dudes sitting around playing card games is not a sport because it involves no athletic ability. If I can drink, smoke, weigh 450 pounds and have 40 percent body fat and still play your game just as well, it’s not a sport. If it involves no running, jumping, lifting, tackling, kicking, throwing, vaulting, hitting of a ball, swinging, shooting or punching, it’s not a freaking sport. If it requires no athletic ability at all, it’s not a sport. Why the rant, by the way? Because the ass clowns at ESPN are bringing back a summer staple, the World Series of Poker. The 2008 version of this pathetic event is sponsored by an appropriately crappy beer, Milwaukee’s Best. Personally I’d have gone with Natural Light or Boone’s Farm, but whatever. Regardless of the sponsor, the event will still features pathetic, out-of-shape dorks with specialized sunglasses, rocking gawd-awful Hawaiian shirts and trying to act like they’re total bad-asses because they can win a hand in a card game. These tools are under the mistaken impression that they offer something to society and that they’re actual, legitimate athletes that people look up to. Hey knobs, YOU ARE NOT ATHLETES. You’re not on par with A-Rod, Kobe, Shaq, Peyton Manning, Tiger Woods or Randy Moss. Not only could you not carry those guys’ jocks, you’re not qualified to sniff their jocks or do laundry with their jocks in it. You play a glorified game of Go Fish and get idiots to pay you for it. You’re a collection of fat, degenerate, reject slobs that I wouldn’t watch on TV if I were given the choice between suffering a session of waterboarding or watching you. Go away, get off my TV and realize how totally and utterly inconsequential you and your little card tournament are…..
- Boy has it become a major hassle to import quality cocaine into the United States. Gone are the good old days when crime bosses like Frank Lucas could pack their blow into caskets that were supposed to be flying deceased U.S. servicemen back from Vietnam. Nowadays, our government has become extremely cranky and temperamental about people trying to bring coke across U.S. borders. So what does the Department of Homeland Security do when some inventive, ingenious entrepreneurs come up with a great new way to get around the rules and laws forbidding them from importing their product? They arrest these brave pioneers and seize their stash, that’s what. U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff revealed Friday that American intelligence (obviously W. wasn’t involved if there was actual, accurate intelligence) led the legendary Mexican navy to capture a small submarine packed with 5.8 tons of cocaine off the coast of the southern state of Oaxaca. Major bonus points to the drug smugglers for procuring their own submarine, that has to be tough. Maybe next time try and get your hands on a stealth bomber so you can avoid capture. Just jam your bricks of coke into an empty bomb casing and drop them somewhere in the desert. Just looking to help out, that’s all…..
- Hey hey, soccer has finally done something good here in the United States. For years, all the sport has given us is a gaggle of kids under the age of 12 kicking the ball around haphazardly, playing in games where no score is kept so as to not hurt the feelings of the losers, downing orange wedges and Capri Sun after games and riding home in mom’s minivan. Yes, there have also been second-rate attempts to pro soccer leagues wherein past-their-prime Euro stars have been imported in a vain attempt to establish soccer as a legit sport in the U.S., but that’s not much of a contribution. Well, we now have a tangible contribution to our nation’s welfare thanks to the current second-rate soccer league here in America, Major League Soccer. This past Thursday, an American Airlines flight from Boston to Los Angeles was disrupted and diverted to Oklahoma City when a male passenger stripped nude, put his clothes back on and attempted to open one of the plane’s emergency exit doors. Aboard the plane were members of the New England Revolution, an MLS team of no repute. Clearly these soccer players weren’t fazed by this outlandish behavior; after all, for soccer fan, stripping and disrupting a vehicle of mass transit it just a warm-up for the big game. Several Revolution players got out of their seats and subdued the disruptive passenger, allowing the plane to land safely in Oklahoma City. The whack-a-doo who caused the chaos was escorted from the plane and given a mental health evaluation while the plane continued on to L.A. Thank you for your help keeping our nation safe, soccer players. Now if we could only get you to stop pretending like you’ve been shot by an Uzi or severely electrocuted every time someone so much as breathes on you during a game, we’d be golden….
- Lightning is wreaking havoc in Russia and the government thinks it knows who to blame. No, not the weather itself, source of the lightning, but rather the very people being injured and killed by lightning strikes. With a dozen people injured or killed by lightning strikes in the past two weeks, weather officials in Russia are fingering the use of high-tech gadgets by victims as the main cause of the trouble. Among the devices receiving blame are cell phones and MP3 players. “These things are electromagnetic field carriers. That makes them, in essence, conductors. Thunderbolts are attracted to such things,” declared Leonid Tarkov of the weather observation center FOBOS. Unfortunately for Leo and likeminded Russian officials, nearly every scientist on Earth has denounced this concept because the extremely small electromagnetic energy given off by your cell phone or iPod is not enough to trigger a lightning strike. Aside from having a metal object on your person, which does pose some threat, Tarkov’s claim is just another lie coming from a person in power in Russia. While he fingers those who have been harmed, people like Marina Sodykova, 26, are dying. She was among three sunbathers in the city of Neftekamsk who were struck and killed by lightning last Wednesday. The three victims were laying out at the beach on the banks of the Kama River, some 800 miles east of Moscow, which bolts of lightning struck the beach and raised 25 feet of sand. Sodykova was talking on a cell phone at the time she was killed, with her phone found melted in her hand. This is just an all-around scary situation, but with that being said how about we try to stop blaming the deceased, Russian officials…..
- I’ll make this blunt and to the point for the tools in programming over at ESPN: poker is not now, has never been and will never be a sport. It has no place on a sports network or any other TV network for that point. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let me say for the eight billionth time how incredibly lame televised poker is. Again, dudes sitting around playing card games is not a sport because it involves no athletic ability. If I can drink, smoke, weigh 450 pounds and have 40 percent body fat and still play your game just as well, it’s not a sport. If it involves no running, jumping, lifting, tackling, kicking, throwing, vaulting, hitting of a ball, swinging, shooting or punching, it’s not a freaking sport. If it requires no athletic ability at all, it’s not a sport. Why the rant, by the way? Because the ass clowns at ESPN are bringing back a summer staple, the World Series of Poker. The 2008 version of this pathetic event is sponsored by an appropriately crappy beer, Milwaukee’s Best. Personally I’d have gone with Natural Light or Boone’s Farm, but whatever. Regardless of the sponsor, the event will still features pathetic, out-of-shape dorks with specialized sunglasses, rocking gawd-awful Hawaiian shirts and trying to act like they’re total bad-asses because they can win a hand in a card game. These tools are under the mistaken impression that they offer something to society and that they’re actual, legitimate athletes that people look up to. Hey knobs, YOU ARE NOT ATHLETES. You’re not on par with A-Rod, Kobe, Shaq, Peyton Manning, Tiger Woods or Randy Moss. Not only could you not carry those guys’ jocks, you’re not qualified to sniff their jocks or do laundry with their jocks in it. You play a glorified game of Go Fish and get idiots to pay you for it. You’re a collection of fat, degenerate, reject slobs that I wouldn’t watch on TV if I were given the choice between suffering a session of waterboarding or watching you. Go away, get off my TV and realize how totally and utterly inconsequential you and your little card tournament are…..
- Boy has it become a major hassle to import quality cocaine into the United States. Gone are the good old days when crime bosses like Frank Lucas could pack their blow into caskets that were supposed to be flying deceased U.S. servicemen back from Vietnam. Nowadays, our government has become extremely cranky and temperamental about people trying to bring coke across U.S. borders. So what does the Department of Homeland Security do when some inventive, ingenious entrepreneurs come up with a great new way to get around the rules and laws forbidding them from importing their product? They arrest these brave pioneers and seize their stash, that’s what. U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff revealed Friday that American intelligence (obviously W. wasn’t involved if there was actual, accurate intelligence) led the legendary Mexican navy to capture a small submarine packed with 5.8 tons of cocaine off the coast of the southern state of Oaxaca. Major bonus points to the drug smugglers for procuring their own submarine, that has to be tough. Maybe next time try and get your hands on a stealth bomber so you can avoid capture. Just jam your bricks of coke into an empty bomb casing and drop them somewhere in the desert. Just looking to help out, that’s all…..
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Getting what you deserve, wrongly reviving ABBA and Russia having a bad run of it
- I loves me a good conspiracy theory, so you’d better believe I’m down with it when the agent for Minnesota pitcher Francisco Liriano is alleging that the team is refusing to called him client up to the big leagues because it wants to keep him from accumulating the valuable service time that would qualify him for free agency. Agent Greg Genske has asked the players’ union to investigate why Liriano remains in Triple-A Rochester despite his 7-0 record and 2.73 ERA in his past nine starts. “I think that Francisco is dominating down there,” Genske said Thursday. "The club concedes that as well. We're a little frustrated he hasn't been called up.” As a bit of back story, Liriano isn't some kid who has never succeeded at the Major League level and is just being a big baby. He was selected to the AL All-Star team during his rookie season in 2006 and finished the season 12-3 with a 2.16 ERA and 144 strikeouts in 121 innings before arm problems prematurely ended his year. He then had Tommy John surgery on Nov. 6, 2006, and missed all of last season while recovering. He thought he back to his normal level of play coming out of spring training this season, but went 0-3 with an 11.32 ERA in April and was sent down to the minors. Now he’s found his stride and should be back in the big leagues, but the team isn't calling him up. Twins GM Bill Smith said the decision to keep Liriano at Triple-A has nothing to do with keeping him from accruing the three years in the big leagues that qualify a player qualifies for arbitration. Liriano currently has two years and 45 days, so you can see why his agent might be suspicious. Even though the Twins have been one of the best teams in baseball in the first half of the season, they can’t in good conscience defend not calling up Liriano. Yes, their young rotation that has exceeded expectations, with guys like Scott Baker, Glen Perkins, Nick Blackburn and keeping the Twins 1½ games behind the White Sox in the AL Central race. One man in the rotation who isn't pulling his ample, ever-growing weight is veteran Livan Hernandez, who is 9-6 with a 5.44 ERA and is on pace to become the first pitcher since Phil Niekro in 1979 to allow more than 300 hits in a season. Rather than bringing up their most talented pitcher and one of baseball’s best young arms when he’s pitching his best, the Twins are electing to keep him in freaking Rochester. They could open a spot in the rotation or put him into the bullpen, but so far they’ve chosen neither. Right, because why would you want a guy who hasn't allowed an earned run in his past three starts and has 24 strikeouts and three walks during that same span.
“The kid's doing great. He's doing fantastic. I'm really happy for him,” Smith said. “I'm confident that he's going to make a big impact on this club in the near future.” In other words, when you can squeeze an extra year out of him before he’s eligible for arbitration and you’d have to pay him what he’s worth, Bill. Thank you, Greg Genske, for providing this great conspiracy theory to chew on, I don’t even care how much merit it has. Bring up Francisco! Bring up Francisco!
- Today brings bad, bad news for desperate, past-your-prime, gossiping middle-aged women everywhere. The more myopic among this group may have thought that their beloved TV show Desperate House-tramps would go on and on and on. As the series heads into its fifth season this fall, it’s still scoring well with the aforementioned demographic. However, show creator and executive producer Marc Cherry revealed at a recent meeting of the Television Critics Association that his most popular show will last only three more seasons. The seventh season, which would air in 2010-11, will be the swan song for the primetime soap opera. “I love working with these gals (the cast), but the idea of letting anyone take the show over from me kind of makes me sad and sick to my stomach,” Cherry said. “Let’s go out while people still like us.” Hey Marc, I don’t like you now, nor do any non-gay, non-whipped dudes out there. Can you just do us a favor and go away right now, save us three more years of incessant promos hyping your overrated show? That’d be super….
- A booming economy should be a good thing for a country, right? Theoretically, the answer would be yes eight days a week. In practice, a thriving economy has proven to be a big problem for Russia in that it has created an equally thriving illegal sex trade in the country. Women and even children are being kidnapped and forced into prostitution or enticed to come to Moscow by offers of an education or good job before being forced into prostitution by local gangs. The women line up at various pickup points around Moscow each night, as many as 30 of them lines up on streets in order of their price for the night. Yes, these women are organized like t-shirts on the discount rack at TJ Maxx, lowest to highest in price. Why not just slap color-coded shirts on them as well, like the color-coded tags at the thrift store indicating which items are on sale today? I know prostitution is demeaning and dehumanizing as is, but do you need to compound that even further by lining the hookers up by price? How do you decide where along the price continuum a woman falls anyhow? Her age? Weight? Number of previous partners? Are there some women who are cheaper in a 2-for-1 package deal? As it turns out, the cost falls between $100 and $700 on a given night. Russian police readily concede that human trafficking is going on for the purpose of sexual slavery, but say they don’t have the resources to combat the detestable practice. Thankfully, an organization called the Angel Coalition exists and it is working feverishly to help free and rehabilitate women and children from forced prostitution. This is a great group and one you would do well to support. Just try to imagine the state of those they are trying to help and you absolutely cannot help but feel sympathy for them. The image of these women, lined up on a street corner with 30 others in high heels and brightly colored miniskirts, being forced into having sex with creepy weirdos is just disgusting, period.
- Believe it or not, “Mamma Mia!” is a bad movie. Many fans and critics have seemingly gotten so wrapped up in the fact that a movie musical with big names in its cast has been made that they’ve paid no attention to the movie itself. Ironically, continuing to pay no attention to the movie itself is probably the only way you’re going to enjoy this stink-bomb of a film. Meryl Streep, Christine Baranski and Christine Walters have had some great acting performances among them, but this is not one of them for any of the three. For a movie set on a sunny, remote Greek island, this is a remarkably depressing film. No, not the plot; the movie itself. The plot is, of course, a girl getting married and three of her mother’s former lovers showing up at the wedding with each of them potentially being her father. Not a great plot, but it could work with good writing, singing and choreography. Unfortunately, this movie features the music of ABBA, one of the biggest blights on the history of music. Swedish pop groups from the ‘70s whose music is bad even by dance/techno music standards should be buried and forgotten, not revived and featured in major motion pictures. I don’t even know a better word to describe ABBA’s music than bad, because that just encapsulates every song they’ve ever done. Their lyrics are lame, their beats synthesized and artificial and their melodies soft, sorry and lacking any edge at all. Taking that bad music as a foundation and adding sloppy, unprofessional choreography that looks like a gaggle of drunken sorority girls stumbling home from a Saturday night party during an earthquake all but assures a bad film. So guys out there, a word of warning: if your wife, fiancée or girlfriend tries to drag you to see this movie, stand your ground. I know most times you cave in and give her what she wants, but I promise you that this is one occasion where standing firm will be the wisest possible choice. Your significant other will thank you once she realizes how terrible this movie really is.
- Sometimes in life you actually do get what you deserve. Take noted hooker/aspiring pop music legend Ashley Dupre, the skank at the center of the prostitution scandal that forced former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer to resign. After numerous escapades with Spitzer, Dupre was revealed to be his tramp of choice when police busted the prostitution ring that employed her and the case went to trial. Dupre attempted to use her newfound infamy to launch a singing career despite the fact that her voice actually makes Britney Spears and Ashlee Simpson look like accomplished, world-class vocalists by comparison. Her flameout of a musical career was followed by her next desperate grasp at holding on to her 15 minutes of fame: a lawsuit against “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis for allegedly using footage of Dupre when she was only 17 in a GGW video. That suit has since been dropped by Dupre, who either got the attention she wanted out of it or ran out of money to pay her legal fees. Now Dupre is the one being sued, with the plaintiff being a New Jersey woman who claims that Dupre used her lost driver’s license to create a false identity for her “Girls Gone Wild” appearance. Amber Arpaio, 26, claims that she lost her license and that it later showed up when Dupre flashed it in the footage she shot in one of the GGW trailers in Miami Beach. At the time Dupre was 17, but the license she used bore Arpaio’s name and showed her to be in her 20s. According to the suit, Apraio doesn’t remember exactly when she lost the license (hard to believe) and she also doenst know Dupre. That isn't stopping her from suing Dupre for an undisclosed amount because of what she calls defamation and invasion of privacy. The suit was filed in U.S. Distrcit Court in Trenton and a similar suit was also filed against “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis. Like I said at the start, sometimes when you’re an attention-starved slut who uses a false identity, works as a hooker and then tries to make money off of your sluttiness, you get what you deserve….
“The kid's doing great. He's doing fantastic. I'm really happy for him,” Smith said. “I'm confident that he's going to make a big impact on this club in the near future.” In other words, when you can squeeze an extra year out of him before he’s eligible for arbitration and you’d have to pay him what he’s worth, Bill. Thank you, Greg Genske, for providing this great conspiracy theory to chew on, I don’t even care how much merit it has. Bring up Francisco! Bring up Francisco!
- Today brings bad, bad news for desperate, past-your-prime, gossiping middle-aged women everywhere. The more myopic among this group may have thought that their beloved TV show Desperate House-tramps would go on and on and on. As the series heads into its fifth season this fall, it’s still scoring well with the aforementioned demographic. However, show creator and executive producer Marc Cherry revealed at a recent meeting of the Television Critics Association that his most popular show will last only three more seasons. The seventh season, which would air in 2010-11, will be the swan song for the primetime soap opera. “I love working with these gals (the cast), but the idea of letting anyone take the show over from me kind of makes me sad and sick to my stomach,” Cherry said. “Let’s go out while people still like us.” Hey Marc, I don’t like you now, nor do any non-gay, non-whipped dudes out there. Can you just do us a favor and go away right now, save us three more years of incessant promos hyping your overrated show? That’d be super….
- A booming economy should be a good thing for a country, right? Theoretically, the answer would be yes eight days a week. In practice, a thriving economy has proven to be a big problem for Russia in that it has created an equally thriving illegal sex trade in the country. Women and even children are being kidnapped and forced into prostitution or enticed to come to Moscow by offers of an education or good job before being forced into prostitution by local gangs. The women line up at various pickup points around Moscow each night, as many as 30 of them lines up on streets in order of their price for the night. Yes, these women are organized like t-shirts on the discount rack at TJ Maxx, lowest to highest in price. Why not just slap color-coded shirts on them as well, like the color-coded tags at the thrift store indicating which items are on sale today? I know prostitution is demeaning and dehumanizing as is, but do you need to compound that even further by lining the hookers up by price? How do you decide where along the price continuum a woman falls anyhow? Her age? Weight? Number of previous partners? Are there some women who are cheaper in a 2-for-1 package deal? As it turns out, the cost falls between $100 and $700 on a given night. Russian police readily concede that human trafficking is going on for the purpose of sexual slavery, but say they don’t have the resources to combat the detestable practice. Thankfully, an organization called the Angel Coalition exists and it is working feverishly to help free and rehabilitate women and children from forced prostitution. This is a great group and one you would do well to support. Just try to imagine the state of those they are trying to help and you absolutely cannot help but feel sympathy for them. The image of these women, lined up on a street corner with 30 others in high heels and brightly colored miniskirts, being forced into having sex with creepy weirdos is just disgusting, period.
- Believe it or not, “Mamma Mia!” is a bad movie. Many fans and critics have seemingly gotten so wrapped up in the fact that a movie musical with big names in its cast has been made that they’ve paid no attention to the movie itself. Ironically, continuing to pay no attention to the movie itself is probably the only way you’re going to enjoy this stink-bomb of a film. Meryl Streep, Christine Baranski and Christine Walters have had some great acting performances among them, but this is not one of them for any of the three. For a movie set on a sunny, remote Greek island, this is a remarkably depressing film. No, not the plot; the movie itself. The plot is, of course, a girl getting married and three of her mother’s former lovers showing up at the wedding with each of them potentially being her father. Not a great plot, but it could work with good writing, singing and choreography. Unfortunately, this movie features the music of ABBA, one of the biggest blights on the history of music. Swedish pop groups from the ‘70s whose music is bad even by dance/techno music standards should be buried and forgotten, not revived and featured in major motion pictures. I don’t even know a better word to describe ABBA’s music than bad, because that just encapsulates every song they’ve ever done. Their lyrics are lame, their beats synthesized and artificial and their melodies soft, sorry and lacking any edge at all. Taking that bad music as a foundation and adding sloppy, unprofessional choreography that looks like a gaggle of drunken sorority girls stumbling home from a Saturday night party during an earthquake all but assures a bad film. So guys out there, a word of warning: if your wife, fiancée or girlfriend tries to drag you to see this movie, stand your ground. I know most times you cave in and give her what she wants, but I promise you that this is one occasion where standing firm will be the wisest possible choice. Your significant other will thank you once she realizes how terrible this movie really is.
- Sometimes in life you actually do get what you deserve. Take noted hooker/aspiring pop music legend Ashley Dupre, the skank at the center of the prostitution scandal that forced former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer to resign. After numerous escapades with Spitzer, Dupre was revealed to be his tramp of choice when police busted the prostitution ring that employed her and the case went to trial. Dupre attempted to use her newfound infamy to launch a singing career despite the fact that her voice actually makes Britney Spears and Ashlee Simpson look like accomplished, world-class vocalists by comparison. Her flameout of a musical career was followed by her next desperate grasp at holding on to her 15 minutes of fame: a lawsuit against “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis for allegedly using footage of Dupre when she was only 17 in a GGW video. That suit has since been dropped by Dupre, who either got the attention she wanted out of it or ran out of money to pay her legal fees. Now Dupre is the one being sued, with the plaintiff being a New Jersey woman who claims that Dupre used her lost driver’s license to create a false identity for her “Girls Gone Wild” appearance. Amber Arpaio, 26, claims that she lost her license and that it later showed up when Dupre flashed it in the footage she shot in one of the GGW trailers in Miami Beach. At the time Dupre was 17, but the license she used bore Arpaio’s name and showed her to be in her 20s. According to the suit, Apraio doesn’t remember exactly when she lost the license (hard to believe) and she also doenst know Dupre. That isn't stopping her from suing Dupre for an undisclosed amount because of what she calls defamation and invasion of privacy. The suit was filed in U.S. Distrcit Court in Trenton and a similar suit was also filed against “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis. Like I said at the start, sometimes when you’re an attention-starved slut who uses a false identity, works as a hooker and then tries to make money off of your sluttiness, you get what you deserve….
Saturday, July 19, 2008
What you find under TVs, billboards by greedy idiots and the South is FAT
- Well isn't this convenient? I’m as excited as anyone about the prospect of Roid-ger Clemens beign convicted of steroid-related crimes and being sent to a federal prison, but even with that tantalizing prospect hanging in front of me, I can’t help but be suspicious when convicted steroids dealer and all-around bad guy Kirk Radomski miraculously finds an overnight mail slip for HGH he allegedly sent to Clemens, just lying under his TV when he moved it over the weekend. Radomski is claiming that when his TV broke and he moved it from its place in his entertainment center, he found the mail slips. “Radomski sent a package to Clemens. Apparently, from what we understand, Brian (McNamee) did not sign for it,” explained Richard Emery, attorney for Clemens’ former personal trainer Brian McNamee, whom Clemens is suing for defamation of character. Emery is attempting to use the discovery by Radomski as evidence that his client was being truthful when he accused Clemens of using steroids. That Radomski has already pleaded guilty to distributing ‘roids and is a confirmed scumbag doesn’t seem to factor in as far as Emery is concerned. That Radomski has a reputation for being less than truthful also appears blissfully irrelevant to Emery, who couldn’t care less that a dude serving five years’ probation and paying an $18,575 fine for his crimes is now being used as a key witness to defend his own client’s reputation. Call me cynical, but I’m not ready to buy into these miraculously found shipping receipts just yet….
- Nearly every good TV show may be on summer break, but that doesn’t mean I’m plum out of TV thoughts until September. Most of those thoughts right now are focused on exactly how many lame-ass reality shows will hire former man-bander Joey Fatone of N’Boys Sync Degrees of Town as their host. Seriously, TLC has been blasting viewers over the head repeatedly with promos for Fatone and musical talent-less dancing pop troll Melanie Brown of the Spice Skanks and their new show The Karaoke Office. I’m just trying to watch American Chopper, I don’t need some ex-man-bander with a bizarre chin-strap beard and highlighted hair popping up on my screen every commercial break. Then you hop on over to NBC and who’s hosting that giant bag of freak Celebrity Circus? It’s Fatone again. The dude is like the bubonic plague, only way more irritating and slightly more ubiquitous. I wasn’t going to watch Wee Man on the trapeze or Antonio Sabato Jr. on the high wire anyhow, but mixing in Fatone makes it a slam-dunk. NBC does have one summer series I’ve enjoyed, Last Comic Standing. I didn’t expect to like the show, but when it so blatantly panders to mean 18-34 by selecting audiences for its comic shows that consist of a ridiculous percentage of hot chicks with fake racks, how can I not love it? Seriously, I’ve been to comedy shows and you’re lucky if there are five girls that hot in the same row. Last Comic Standing has five of them in every row, it’s uncanny. Factor in that some of the comics on the show are really funny (including Iliza, my fave this season) and you’ve got some good viewing. I do have to wonder about the bizarre decision to have the show’s elimination voting ceremony in a cemetery; it’s weird, it’s creepy and what the hell does it have to do with comedy? Yes, whoever is eliminated for the episode is “dead” on the show, but that’s true of all reality shows and I don’t remember Big Brother or Amazing Race rocking graveyard scenes for eliminations. Other than that, LSC is a pretty solid show and one I’d recommend giving a chance, Thursday nights at 9 o’clock.
- Sorry to point this out for all my Southern friends, but according to the government, you are exceptionally…FAT! For a region that has no shortage of hot Southern chicks, the southeastern corner of our fine nation somehow manages to lead the nation when it comes to obesity. According to a new government survey released Thursday, Mississippi, Alabama and Tennessee are lapping the rest of the nation when it comes to being fat and disgusting. According to the study, more than 30 percent of adults in each of the three states are considered clinically obese, ensuring that the South remains the nation's fattest region. On the other end of the spectrum is Colorado, with only 19 percent of its population fitting that category. When you combine that with Colorado being the best educated state in the nation, Coloradoans may start developing a definite superiority complex. Of course, when your state is a frozen tundra much of the year, you need to burn any excess fat to stay warm and it’s so freaking cold and snowy that staying inside to study is one of your only options. But I digress….this study was done randomly by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and its findings are similar to results from the same survey the three previous years. Mississippi remains the king of fatness, as the state has had the highest obesity rate every year since 2004.
Alabama, Tennessee and Louisiana have been closing the gap in recent years, but once again they were unable to track down Mississippi. Listening to Dr. William Dietz, the head of CDC's nutrition, physical activity and obesity division, tried to explain the obesity levels in the South by blaming the traditional Southern diet, which is high in fat and fried food. Dietz also blames two groups for contributing to the high obesity rates - rural residents and black women -- because both are groups that tend to have higher obesity rates. You may be asking yourself, how is obesity defined? Well, it’s based on the body mass index, a calculation using height and weight. A 5-foot-9-inch adult who weighs 203 pounds would have a BMI of 30, which is considered the threshold for obesity. And if you’re honest, seeing a person of that height and weight in public, you’re crafting your best fat jokes and are more than a little depressed about having to look at their flabby physique. So put down to barbecue ribs, pork, grits, deep-fried chicken and chitlins, Southerners, because you all are giving the rest of the world even more of a reason to label all Americans FAT, a label some of us don’t deserve.
- It wouldn’t be a presidential election year if there wasn’t blatant fear-mongering, would it? I say no, which is why I’m not surprised that idiots like Mike Meehan are out there, spreading their message of hate, bigotry, small-mindedness and reckless speech. Meehan is the a-hole responsible for three billboards across Orlando that take one of the worst days in American history and attempt to capitalize on it in a senseless, shameful manner. The billboards each show the Twin Towers burning and read ‘Please Don’t Vote for a Democrat’. After despicably attempt to make political gains off the deaths of hundreds of innocent people, the billboards then direct people to a website which promotes a political song, written by Saint Cloud resident Meehan, who also has a music video for the tune. Showing the lack of imagination and intelligence that was probably very helpful in concocting the plan for these lame-ass billboards, Meehan has also titled his song “Please Don't Vote for a Democrat.” As you might expect from a confirmed bigot and piece of crap like Meehan, he’s trying to use the excuse that this battle is about his First Amendment rights and his freedom of speech. His website refers to what he calls “the dangers of liberalism” and Meehan says the Democrats “only want to focus on the economy. They do not want to focus on the war.” Hey a-hole, in case you missed it, the Democrats do want us to focus on the war. They simply want us for focus on ending an unjustified, unethical war based on a foundation of lies and untruths instead of focusing on extending it indefinitely and costing this country hundreds of billions of dollars it can't afford to spend, which is what your beloved GOP wants. And hey, what would a story like this be with a shameless attempt to cash in on the deaths of those people in the Twin Towers for personal financial gain? Yes, the song that Meehan wrote in less than an hour (Really? A masterpiece like that and it only took an hour? Shocking), is being sold online for five dollars a pop. OMG. Hey ass clown, iTunes only charges $0.99 per song, how the hell can you justify a 400 percent mark-up for your piece of crap song? Freedom of speech, my ass.
- Maybe T. Boone Pickens was right when he called our nation’s Great Plains region and the geographical center of the United States in general the “Saudi Arabia of wind.” Pickens is the oil magnate who has made literally billions in his life and donated hundreds of millions of those dollars to his beloved Oklahoma State University. He’s now embracing the concept of alternative energy sources, with wind power being the center of his new focus. Utility officials in the state of Texas appear to agree with Pickens because they’ve given preliminary approval to a $4.9 billion plan to build new transmission lines to carry wind-generated electricity from gusty, rural West Texas to urban areas like Dallas. It’s refreshing and exciting to see a state embrace the idea of renewable resources and harnessing power from something like the wind, which is always there, doesn’t need to be created and doesn’t do any damage to the environment when you harvest it. Props to you, Texas, for being the first to take a step of this magnitude in the right direction on such an important issue.
- Nearly every good TV show may be on summer break, but that doesn’t mean I’m plum out of TV thoughts until September. Most of those thoughts right now are focused on exactly how many lame-ass reality shows will hire former man-bander Joey Fatone of N’Boys Sync Degrees of Town as their host. Seriously, TLC has been blasting viewers over the head repeatedly with promos for Fatone and musical talent-less dancing pop troll Melanie Brown of the Spice Skanks and their new show The Karaoke Office. I’m just trying to watch American Chopper, I don’t need some ex-man-bander with a bizarre chin-strap beard and highlighted hair popping up on my screen every commercial break. Then you hop on over to NBC and who’s hosting that giant bag of freak Celebrity Circus? It’s Fatone again. The dude is like the bubonic plague, only way more irritating and slightly more ubiquitous. I wasn’t going to watch Wee Man on the trapeze or Antonio Sabato Jr. on the high wire anyhow, but mixing in Fatone makes it a slam-dunk. NBC does have one summer series I’ve enjoyed, Last Comic Standing. I didn’t expect to like the show, but when it so blatantly panders to mean 18-34 by selecting audiences for its comic shows that consist of a ridiculous percentage of hot chicks with fake racks, how can I not love it? Seriously, I’ve been to comedy shows and you’re lucky if there are five girls that hot in the same row. Last Comic Standing has five of them in every row, it’s uncanny. Factor in that some of the comics on the show are really funny (including Iliza, my fave this season) and you’ve got some good viewing. I do have to wonder about the bizarre decision to have the show’s elimination voting ceremony in a cemetery; it’s weird, it’s creepy and what the hell does it have to do with comedy? Yes, whoever is eliminated for the episode is “dead” on the show, but that’s true of all reality shows and I don’t remember Big Brother or Amazing Race rocking graveyard scenes for eliminations. Other than that, LSC is a pretty solid show and one I’d recommend giving a chance, Thursday nights at 9 o’clock.
- Sorry to point this out for all my Southern friends, but according to the government, you are exceptionally…FAT! For a region that has no shortage of hot Southern chicks, the southeastern corner of our fine nation somehow manages to lead the nation when it comes to obesity. According to a new government survey released Thursday, Mississippi, Alabama and Tennessee are lapping the rest of the nation when it comes to being fat and disgusting. According to the study, more than 30 percent of adults in each of the three states are considered clinically obese, ensuring that the South remains the nation's fattest region. On the other end of the spectrum is Colorado, with only 19 percent of its population fitting that category. When you combine that with Colorado being the best educated state in the nation, Coloradoans may start developing a definite superiority complex. Of course, when your state is a frozen tundra much of the year, you need to burn any excess fat to stay warm and it’s so freaking cold and snowy that staying inside to study is one of your only options. But I digress….this study was done randomly by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and its findings are similar to results from the same survey the three previous years. Mississippi remains the king of fatness, as the state has had the highest obesity rate every year since 2004.
Alabama, Tennessee and Louisiana have been closing the gap in recent years, but once again they were unable to track down Mississippi. Listening to Dr. William Dietz, the head of CDC's nutrition, physical activity and obesity division, tried to explain the obesity levels in the South by blaming the traditional Southern diet, which is high in fat and fried food. Dietz also blames two groups for contributing to the high obesity rates - rural residents and black women -- because both are groups that tend to have higher obesity rates. You may be asking yourself, how is obesity defined? Well, it’s based on the body mass index, a calculation using height and weight. A 5-foot-9-inch adult who weighs 203 pounds would have a BMI of 30, which is considered the threshold for obesity. And if you’re honest, seeing a person of that height and weight in public, you’re crafting your best fat jokes and are more than a little depressed about having to look at their flabby physique. So put down to barbecue ribs, pork, grits, deep-fried chicken and chitlins, Southerners, because you all are giving the rest of the world even more of a reason to label all Americans FAT, a label some of us don’t deserve.
- It wouldn’t be a presidential election year if there wasn’t blatant fear-mongering, would it? I say no, which is why I’m not surprised that idiots like Mike Meehan are out there, spreading their message of hate, bigotry, small-mindedness and reckless speech. Meehan is the a-hole responsible for three billboards across Orlando that take one of the worst days in American history and attempt to capitalize on it in a senseless, shameful manner. The billboards each show the Twin Towers burning and read ‘Please Don’t Vote for a Democrat’. After despicably attempt to make political gains off the deaths of hundreds of innocent people, the billboards then direct people to a website which promotes a political song, written by Saint Cloud resident Meehan, who also has a music video for the tune. Showing the lack of imagination and intelligence that was probably very helpful in concocting the plan for these lame-ass billboards, Meehan has also titled his song “Please Don't Vote for a Democrat.” As you might expect from a confirmed bigot and piece of crap like Meehan, he’s trying to use the excuse that this battle is about his First Amendment rights and his freedom of speech. His website refers to what he calls “the dangers of liberalism” and Meehan says the Democrats “only want to focus on the economy. They do not want to focus on the war.” Hey a-hole, in case you missed it, the Democrats do want us to focus on the war. They simply want us for focus on ending an unjustified, unethical war based on a foundation of lies and untruths instead of focusing on extending it indefinitely and costing this country hundreds of billions of dollars it can't afford to spend, which is what your beloved GOP wants. And hey, what would a story like this be with a shameless attempt to cash in on the deaths of those people in the Twin Towers for personal financial gain? Yes, the song that Meehan wrote in less than an hour (Really? A masterpiece like that and it only took an hour? Shocking), is being sold online for five dollars a pop. OMG. Hey ass clown, iTunes only charges $0.99 per song, how the hell can you justify a 400 percent mark-up for your piece of crap song? Freedom of speech, my ass.
- Maybe T. Boone Pickens was right when he called our nation’s Great Plains region and the geographical center of the United States in general the “Saudi Arabia of wind.” Pickens is the oil magnate who has made literally billions in his life and donated hundreds of millions of those dollars to his beloved Oklahoma State University. He’s now embracing the concept of alternative energy sources, with wind power being the center of his new focus. Utility officials in the state of Texas appear to agree with Pickens because they’ve given preliminary approval to a $4.9 billion plan to build new transmission lines to carry wind-generated electricity from gusty, rural West Texas to urban areas like Dallas. It’s refreshing and exciting to see a state embrace the idea of renewable resources and harnessing power from something like the wind, which is always there, doesn’t need to be created and doesn’t do any damage to the environment when you harvest it. Props to you, Texas, for being the first to take a step of this magnitude in the right direction on such an important issue.
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