A terrible day for mushrooms of all kinds

- If you were writing a “how to” manual on college recruiting, the place to start would be the University of Cincinnati. While their means may not be legal or ethical within the NCAA rulebook, I think we can all agree that the way UC is trying to entice recruits is precisely what 16 to 18-year-olds are after. The allegations, made in an anonymous letter by someone claiming to be “a concerned athletic department employee”, are that current football players and recruits engaged in sex acts with a former soccer player during a recruiting visit. Furthermore, this took place at what the letter labels “a party where alcohol was served.” In other words, at some kegger, recruits were served lots of booze and provided with a hot chick to hook up with. And I know, the NCAA prohibits such activity, so if you engage in it and are caught, you’ve got problems. But as the adage goes, if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. Well, Cincy is clearly trying if these reports are true, and it’s a strong play….if you can get away with it. I’d guess than at least two-thirds of recruits (male recruits anyhow) would be down with free booze and sex. So when their college choice comes down to two schools that are remarkably similar and even when it comes to athletic success, academics and the campus atmosphere, maybe they’ll remember who gave them beer and nookie and that’ll be the determining factor in their decision. Of course, get caught giving them those things and you’re irrevocably screwed.

- Bad news for fans of mushrooms. First, Gonzaga University basketball player Josh Heytvelt was charged with felony possession of a controlled substance a couple weeks after police in Spokane pulled he and teammate Theo Davis over for a broken tail light and found weed and ‘shrooms in the vehicle. Most teams aren't too jazzed about having someone charged with a felon suiting up for them, so I doubt Heytvelt’s suspension from the team will end any time soon. Then comes news that BJ’s Wholesale Club, a national store selling things like pickles, soup and batteries in industrial, gigantic quantities and offering you the chance to buy enough Cap N’ Crunch to last until your great-great-grandchild goes on Social Security in 2086, has recalled all prepackaged Wesley Farms mushrooms sold in its stores because the mushrooms may contain a strain of the E. coli bacteria. Not a good time for mushrooms all around, I hafta say. And no, Josh Heytvelt, before you ask, BJ’s does not offer industrial-sized containers of hallucinogenic ‘shrooms. These are mushrooms for cooking and food purposes only, my man.

- Came across a disturbing AP photo today. It shows the Democratic presidential candidates….well, to be fair, it shows as many of them as you can fit into a single photo. You’d need a wide-angle lens and a panorama picture like the ones you used to take of your entire class in junior high to fit in all of the candidates. But this picture shows eight would-be presidential hopefuls, and the seven dudes in the picture all have a look of mortal terror in their eyes because standing at the end of the line is Sen. Hank Clinton. That dude is frightening, what with all his pent up anger at men in general after having to put up with Bill’s womanizing ways over the years. Not pictured is Barack Obama, who probably has better things to do at this point, maybe fulfilling the duties he has as an elected senator for the people of Illinois. Besides, it’s a smart move to lay low right now. Let these other hacks and idiots with no chance at the nomination beat on each other for a while, eliminating one another from the campaign and step in when things actually get serious. We’re rooting for you, Barack, and by we, I mean everyone who would join the massive caravan across the Canadian border if Hank Clinton were actually elected president. In other words, about 97 percent of the American populace is on your side, and we’re counting on you, B.

- In one of the rare instances where the American judicial system worked in terms of making a common sense, logical choice, felony charges against a retired Minnesota farmer who chased down and captured a gasoline thief using a rifle were dropped Wednesday. Kenneth Englund, who spotted a man stealing gas from his neighbor in Cambridge, Minn., had initially been charged with felony assault, then saw the charges reduced to two misdemeanors before seeing all charges dismissed. Since ol’ Kenny didn’t actually shoot or assault anyone physically, and since he actually performed a good deed, I’m glad to see that the law isn't punishing him. Usually people who perform those kinds of good deeds in America aren't able to escape unscathed.

- I don’t make a habit of making light of any death, regardless of the circumstances, because someone somewhere is devastated by the fact that their friend or loved one is gone. But I couldn’t help but be struck by the absurdity and dark humor of two men in Carrollton, Mo., who were killed when a grain elevator collapsed and drowned them in an avalanche or corn. That’s definitely one of the weirder ways to go, drowning in corn. Remind me to steer clear of grain silos from here on out, or at least to bring some SCUCBA gear with me at all times….that would be Self Contained Under Corn Breathing apparatus, for those of you wondering.

- Dancing with the (Never Were) Stars is moving one step closer to the freak show it’s always aspired to be, adding the program’s first-ever amputee to the next season .Heather Mills, ex-wife of Paul McCartney, will compete using the prosthetic leg she received following a 1993 motorcycle accident. Glad to see you won't exclude anyone from your running joke of a show, DWTNWS. Other D-listers on this season are Olympic skater Apollo Anton Ohno, female boxer Laila Ali and actor Vincent Pastore, who apparently had a bit part on The Sopranos a while back. Should be a real thrilling season, I’ll be sure not to watch any of it.