- Seinfeld fans will remember the episode in which Elaine becomes CEO at J. Peterman and chooses the urban sombrero as the cover item for that month’s catalog for the J. Crew-look-a-like company. The choice is a disastrous one; the urban sombrero is an awful hat, and at the end of the episode, one man riding on the subway next to Elaine remarks to a fellow passenger that he took a nap at work and when he woke up, he found his walking papers tacked to the brim of the gigantic hat. I have a feeling that people who follow the advice of a new Harvard medical study might be finding their walking papers tacked to the brim of their own urban sombrero. This study reveals that office workers who take a 30-minute nap during the work day are likely to have lower levels of stress and less chance of stress-related heart disease. Good luck passing that off on your boss, that you hafta take an afternoon siesta so you can have a healthier heart. He or she will probably look warmly at you, smile and declare, “Why don’t you spend even more time on your health and making your heart as healthy as possible. Start exercising more, maybe four or five hours a day. You’ll have time to do that now, because you’re fired.” Getting one of those squeezable stress balls or playing a “Sounds of the Ocean” soundtrack in your office are probably better methods to reduce stress and by staying awake all day, you also run a significantly lower risk of getting canned.
- Update on Josh Heytvelt and Theo Davis, the two Gonzaga University basketball players arrested for possession of ‘shrooms and weed by Spokane cops Friday night: the initial infraction that caused officers to pull over their vehicle was, of all things, a busted tail light. See, these are the details that stoners never, ever pay attention to. They’re so busy getting baked and wondering when they can get high again that they don’t attend to simple matters like fixing a broken tail light on their ride. All you had to do was put some tape over that or have it repaired at the garage, fellas, and you could’ve gotten away with your ‘shrooms and hippie lettuce. You could’ve gotten your drug-induced freak on, and no one would have been the wiser about it. This is why in any group of stoners and druggies, you need one dude who isn't hitting the bong and tripping on hallucinogens. That way, you’ve always got one person who can take care of the details and make sure that things like broken tail lights don’t lead to bigger problems. Also, you’ve got someone to drive you to the convenience store for your munchie fix of Doritos, Cheetos and Mountain Dew.
- I’ll take whatever odds anyone is willing to offer when it comes to the North Koreans abiding by the nuclear disarmament agreement that Japan, Russia, South Korea, China and the U.S. are currently negotiating with the NBA-loving, megalomaniacal Kim Jong Il and his aspiring world power of a country. Anyone gullible enough to believe that a country which has put so much of its time and resources into developing nuclear capacities and weapons would totally discard all of those efforts for whatever carrots are being dangled in front of it in the negotiation process is far too naïve to have anything to do with foreign politics and international relations. Under the terms of the deal, the U.S., China and South would provide fuel and economic aid to North Korea in exchange for the disabling of all North Korean nuclear facilities and the re-admittance of nuclear inspectors back into the country. Hmmm, I think we saw this song and dance before with Iraq and the search for the infamous WMD’s, right? That one didn’t turn out so well either, and I seriously doubt this situation is going to end much better. W. is on a pronounced quest to start WWIII before he leaves office, me thinks, so maybe this is his next attempt at kicking off the festivities.
- As absurd as the Westminster Dog Show is, it’s doubly absurd and triply asinine for ESPN to show “highlights” of the pooches and their overbearing owners on SportsCenter. Memo to ESPN: it’s not a damn sport! It’s dogs running around in a circle while overdressed people who think their dog is actually a person take them for a walk! Seriously, since when is a person putting a leash on a dog and walking them around in a big circle a sport? Will ESPN next be showing highlights of Bill Smith, 35, of Wichita, taking his German Shepherd Scout for a walk down Elm Street? Just because the USA Network will put this crap on the air doesn’t mean you need to re-circulate it and give further unwarranted glorification to these no-friend-having, no-life losers. Pretend they don’t exist, don’t pay any attention to them and soon enough they’ll just go away, along with their human-clothes wearing Fido’s and Fifi’s that eat from silver food dishes and drink Perrier from crystal water dishes.
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