Joan Rivers, LeBron James and some anti-Semitic high school students, must be Sunday

- Even though I didn’t watch the Academy Awards, I can't say with relative certainty that the following things happened: 1) the show was excruciatingly long and about halfway through, everyone there as well as everyone watching on TV was wishing it would end and wondering how long it was going to drag out, 2) people gave long-winded speeches thanking a boatload of “little people” that no one else has ever heard of and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about, 3) someone got needlessly emotional and weepy during their acceptance speech and shed some great fake tears, 4) someone got “slighted” and passed over for an award that they were assumed to be a mortal lock to win. If that sounds oddly reminiscent of, well, every other awards show ever held, it’s because every damn one of those things is the same thing. Same components, same basic formula, same self-important, self-congratulating famous people telling one another how great they are. And no, I don’t care who wore clothes from what designer to the show and was interviewed on the red carpet by that Botox-fueled member of the Baker’s Dozen Facelift Club Joan Rivers. These people throw on an outfit that they’ll wear one time for a few hours and it’s a big deal? How? Why? Something tells me that watching Casablanca and a college basketball game instead of the awards show was the right move.

- The National Football League has made itself into a year round phenomenon. The league is always finding ways to keep itself in the public eye, even during the off-season. The NFL Scouting Combine, where potential NFLers come to run, lift, jump and do drills in front of scouts from every NFL team as well as be measured, weighed and looked over like prize livestock. I don’t have a beef with any of this, and I actually enjoy hearing about guys who come from out of nowhere to become top draft picks with amazing vertical jumps and blazing-fast 40-yard dash times at the combine. Where I do have a problem, however, is hearing the analysts for the NFL Network talk about players like you normally hear guys talk about girls they see at a bar or walking into the room at a party. I don’t need to ever, and I mean ever, hear one dude say that you should check out another dude’s butt, thighs and hips. Yeah, in this context it might be because you’re analyzing his lower body strength, but it’s still really creepy and really disgusting. You should not be sounding like you’re sitting around with your frat buddies, telling them about this hot brunette you saw at this party last night. Let’s stick to how fast the player is, his tackling technique, his footwork on the field and how explosive he is coming off the line of scrimmage. From here on out, let’s all agree that checking out another dude, even for football purposes, is something to avoid.

- How’s the whole King James, Global Icon thing working out for ya, LeBron James? The overhyped star who would be King led his team to another underwhelming defeat today at the hands of a Miami Heat team whose best player, Dwayne Wade, is out for the year with a shoulder injury and whose next best player is an orca-fat center with the conditioning habits of Mama Cass and the competitive drive of a three-toed sloth, Shaq O’Neal. The Heat are reeling from losing their leader, Wade, and yet James and his Cavalier teammates limped into town and were handily beaten. When you’re going to mail it in and not give a crap like ‘Bron is doing this season, proclaiming in an ESPN interview that your future goal is to be a global icon and a billionaire might not be in your best interests. One, you’re not going to get there by never getting past the second round of the playoffs. Two, saying that makes you look like your focus is everywhere but basketball and improving your game, namely the abysmally erratic free throw shooting that LeBron has exhibited this year. But hey, you can rest secure knowing that you’re getting tens of millions of dollars to hawk Microsoft’s new, second-rate operating system, so no need to worry.

- What good fan doesn’t go to the ant-Semitism card from time to time? After all, if you’re not belittling the religious beliefs of your opponent, then you must not really be 100 percent behind your own team, right? The students of Bishop Sullivan Catholic High School in Virginia Beach, Va. know what I’m talking about, because at a recent game against Norfolk Academy, they shouted “We love Jesus” and painted the word “Jew” on a gym wall to antagonize the Jewish players and fans from Norfolk Academy. What exemplifies the spirit and sportsmanship of high school athletics like bigotry and religious intolerance? But kudos to the students of Bishop Sullivan Catholic High School for refraining from any Holocaust chants in game or performing a “Concentration Camp” skit at halftime. Bishop Sullivan’s principal ordered sensitivity training for all those involved in the incident, which I’m sure will set them all straight. Maybe you can enlist them in some sort of mentoring program too to promote tolerance, give them Big Brothers to look up to, people like Cosmo Kramer and Isaiah Washington…..never mind on that.

- Well, problem solved on that whole slavery debacle from a couple centuries back. The Virginia General Assembly has passed a resolution apologizing for slavery, which I’m sure will do much to salve the wounds of all the former slaves of pre-Civil War times, although they are now dead and unable to accept said apology. The measure carries no weight of law, so it’s basically just an “Oops, our bad” from people who had nothing to do with slavery to people who had nothing to do with slavery. But on the upside, this resolution also expresses sincere “regret” for the exploitation of Native Americans. Talk about a double whammy, this is one legislative act that is really making a difference…..to absolutely no one. Who gives a crap? How do you apologize to people who are 1) dead, 2) were wrongfully enslaved for their entire lives or most of their lives, or 3) had their land stolen and many of their people murdered or subjected to new, life-threatening illnesses? Somehow I don’t think this resolution is going to be all that impactful, but maybe I’m just being too cynical……….