Michael Irvin has been canned at ESPN, my world is beautiful

- I love ESPN, but never have I loved the network more than I do today. Today, it became known that Michael Irvin, the sycophantic, ass-kissing suck up who poses as an analyst/babbling idiot on ESPN’s NFL programming, will not be back with the network next year. Whose idea the split was, I don’t know, nor does it really matter. Irvin is reportedly bent that ESPN wasn’t more supportive of his acting career (and by career, I mean a brief cameo in the gawd-awful remake of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler). I hope Mike will be very happy trying to be an actor, and in Hollywood, he can be around other frauds and fakes who kiss people’s butts and suck up constantly. Of course, if the whole acting thing doesn’t work out, he can become a full-time member of Terrell Owens’ posse, make excuses for every selfish, rude and self-serving thing T.O. does, crack everyone who dares to criticize the great T.O., appear on TV the next time T.O. “accidentally” overdoses on pain killers and lecture all of us for not respecting his privacy and jumping to conclusions. Good riddance, Mike, mine and everyone else’s ESPN viewing experience will be exponentially better now that you are gone.

- Adam “Pac Man” Jones seems determined to match every big play he makes on the field for the Tennessee Titans with a corresponding arrest or shooting incident. Jones, a cornerback and kick return specialist known for his big-play ability, has been in trouble with the law several times in his short career and was also in similar trouble in college at West Virginia. On this occasion, he was in Vegas for the NBA’s All-Star weekend (yeah, guy with a criminal record and a knack for being in the wrong place at the worst time should definitely be in Vegas on its busiest weekend in years, that’s not a recipe for disaster) and is wanted by police for questioning in regards to a shooting incident at a nightclub. Jones has already told his lawyer that he’s not a suspect, but that in no way means he’s free and clear of any wrongdoing. Forgive me for not cutting this guy some slack, but his own past indicates that there’s a high likelihood that he was part of the problem here. He may eventually be exonerated of any wrongdoing, but when people think of Pac Man Jones, what they’re going to remember is all of his brushes with the law and this will be one of them, whether he’s charged with anything or not. I’ll keep saying this until athletes start figuring it out: a whole lot of bad things happen in the late night/early morning hours at clubs, and pretty much nothing good comes from being in those places at those times. Act accordingly, guys……….

- Now that’s dedication. Amir Kazemian, an Iranian man who lived for nearly three years inside the sanctuary of a church in British Columbia, was granted permanent resident status by Canadian authorities on Monday. Police discovered Kazemian after he called police for help with harassing phone calls. One side note for my friend Amir; when you’re an illegal immigrant, calling the cops for any reason is a bad idea. No matter what injustice is being perpetrated on you, being in a country illegally tends to trump everything else in the eyes of the law. Still, living inside St. Michael’s Anglican Church for almost three years because you were so desperate to escape the oppressive culture of your home country is admirable. No word yet on whether, as part of Amir’s indoctrination in Canadian citizenship, he will be forced to sport a mullet, eat round bacon and use the words “eh” and “aboot” in at least three-fourths of his sentences. Also, props to Canadian authorities for granting him citizenship, I think it’s the least you can do for the guy.

- If you drive hammered, the cops will come. They will most definitely come. That much should be abundantly clear to Ray Liotta, an actor whose distinguished career includes the baseball classic Field of Dreams, but whose list of life skills seemingly does not include the ability to call a cab, hire a driver or use his cell phone to call a friend who can come pick him up after a long night of boozing it up. Liotta was picked up by cops in Pacific Palisades, Calif., at about 8:30 p.m. Saturday night after crashing his car into several parked vehicles. That’s usually a giveaway, when you’re driving in perfect weather conditions and you start running into stationary objects. Plus, what kind of amateur do you have to be if you’re that drunk so early in the evening? Are any of the good clubs in L.A. even open that early? Ultimately, Liotta was charged with a misdemeanor DUI and released on $15,000 bail. I have a feeling that Ray, who once portrayed Shoeless Joe Jackson on screen, will soon be “Driver’s License-less” Ray Liotta for the next six months or so, just a guess.

- MTV struck ratings gold a couple years ago when it premiered Laguna Beach, a “reality” show that featured a group of Southern California teenagers in the ritzy town of Laguna Beach. The show felt contrived a lot of times and most of the action was anything but natural and realistic, but even so, the first couple installments of the show were entertaining and decent viewing. It spawned acting careers for several of the kids on the show, and it was undoubtedly one of MTV’s most popular shows. Also, there was a spin-off show, The Hills, featuring Lauren “L.C.” Conrad from the first season. I say all of this to say that it’s time for MTV to let this one go, because LB and its spin-offs have run their course and are no longer interesting. One season of insight into the lives of these people was OK; it felt like kind of a documentary, and for a while it was interesting. Now, though, it’s just boring as MTV keeps following around ordinary people whose lives aren't all that fascinating. Additionally, there is now Maui Fever, which is a near-replica of LB, just set in a different location. I know there are lots of beach-adjacent towns with lots of good looking kids whose families are rich and you could hit up Santa Monica, Huntington Beach, Pacific Palisades and a dozen others, but it’s time to bid adieu to the whole concept, MTV. Seriously, you might just want to walk away on this one before you run it into the ground and make it a tired, burned-out caricature of itself like, say, TRL has become.