More reasons to hate "reality" shows, fewer reasons to single out America as the home of obesity

- As patently offensive as 99.999 % of reality shows are, what makes it so much worse is when deluded or simply ignorant contestants try to assign meaning or significance to a show that forces them to eat disgusting bugs, perform degrading stunts, dress and act like a total fool and do all of this for a national TV audience. I think we can all agree that the Pussycat Dolls aren't any kind of metaphor or representation about anything noble or worthy in our society, yet on a promo for the upcoming “Who wants to be our next dancing, lip syncing skank?” reality show, one of the contestant says (with a straight face, nonetheless), “I want to be the next Doll because they represent female empowerment and that’s what I’m all about.” Umm, sure. Because nothing says “empowerment” like dressing like a total skank, singing mindless, inane lyrics that basically are about looking hot and inviting guys to take your clothes off, dancing in unison with six or seven other similarly attired chicks and singing songs that someone else wrote for you. I’m sure that this is just what feminists like Gloria Steinem had in mind when they thought of female empowerment. I’m not saying you shouldn’t appear on this show. I’m just saying that it shouldn’t be on TV and that none of us should have to watch or hear about it. I’m just saying that it, and anyone who appears in it, are irrelevant, attention-starved losers who’ll contribute less to the music world than William Hung. Whatever you choose to do, please do us all a favor and don’t insult everyone’s intelligence because trying to ascribe some higher meaning to what you’re doing.

- Maybe Americans aren't the only fat, overweight people in the world after all. America haters mention that high on any list of negatives about our country, that we’re all obese and disgusting and obsessed with fast food, but maybe some of that vitriol should be directed at the Brits. An 8-year-old boy weighing in at a hefty 218 pounds may be taken into custody by social service officials unless his mother improves his diet and gets him thinned down. I’d say weighing three times the normal weight for a person your age is cause for concern, especially when you’re a child. Kids tend to have a pretty high metabolism and are able to eat a lot of grub without becoming obscenely fat because they’re growing. Problem for this kid is he’s growing a lot more horizontally than vertically. I’ll pass along a few diet tips to Mom, these may help Junior get under two bills and keep him in your custody: 1) a breakfast of deep fried pop tarts, cheesecake, leftover pizza and bagels dipped in melted butter and topped with whipped cream, cream cheese and chocolate fudge are not the right way to begin the day. Lunch comprised of an entire bucket of KFC fried chicken, a pound of lard and chocolate cake is also not acceptable. What is acceptable are carrot sticks, celery, wheat bread, a low-fat turkey sandwich and some freaking exercise. Hope this helps, because if it doesn’t, your son will soon be a ward of the state and you’ll have to go visit him at fat camp.

- Hey 44-year-old virgins living in their mom’s basement and playing Dungeons and Dragons while never talking to an actual live girl or letting the sunlight touch your pasty skin, great news for you! There’s another Star Trek movie coming out, and it will be directed by J.J. Abrams. I used to have respect for Abrams because he created Alias, one of my favorite shows of all time. Now, though, I’ve got to knock that respect down about four notches based on his decision to attach his name to the single biggest dork-fest in American culture. There’s no gray area here, folks, if you’ve willingly seen any Star Wars movie and not done so when dragged there by your children who are under the age of 12, then you are a loser. I’m not worried about angry Trekkies reading this and coming after me, though, because: 1) they’re all gathering supplies to camp out in line for tickets, even though filming for the movie hasn’t even begun yet, and 2) I doubt any of them has ever thrown an actual punch, much like they’re never kissed a girl, played a sport or dressed as anyone other than Spock for Halloween. I think I’m safe on this one.

- The Pacman Jones era may be over in Tennessee. While the Titans, Jones’ team, are waiting for “additional information” about his most recent brush with the law, it appears that the team may finally have had enough of his antics. In the past two years, he’s been in trouble with the law eight times and arrested thrice, on varying charges of assault and violence. Most recently, he was in a Vegas strip club and part of an incident that left a security guard paralyzed. Jones made it “rain” on the strippers using $81,000 of his own money, and trouble arose when some of the strippers kept the money, which Jones claims he used only as a prop and was never actually giving away. No one is sure of the extent of Jones’ involvement, but members of his crew were part of the melee, so it’s not looking good. I know there’s an irrational fear among NFL teams that if they cut a guy like that, one with enormous talent on the field but even more extensive baggage off of it, because of legal troubles, that another team will scoop him up and he’ll clean up his act and become a star somewhere else. That might be true if a guy gets busted once or twice, but when you’ve been in serious legal trouble eight times in two years and were the same way in college, the verdict on your character is in: you’re a bad guy. Pacman is making Ron Artest and his going into the stands to punch the wrong fan in a beer-cup-throwing incident look civil and well-behaved by comparison. Check yourself, Pac, because you could criminal yourself right out of the NFL if you don’t.