The Rock says.......Norbit sucks

- Know your role and shut your mouth. That phrase was made famous by former WWE star and current action movie staple The Rock during his wrasslin’ days. The L.A. Galaxy, Southern California’s Major League (boy is that an oxymoron) Soccer franchise would do well to heed those words of wisdom. The Galaxy, you may recall, announced several weeks ago that they would hold an open tryout for any and all comers to show their skills and compete for a chance to make the team. Well, I should qualify that any and all comers also had to put up $130 for the “right” to try out. So those tryouts were held over the weekend, and predictably (well, at least to everyone except the Galaxy it seems - more on that shortly) a motley crew of individuals showed up. Team executive Alexi Lalas wasn’t impressed with the talent level, and in an interview he ripped the lack of fitness and skill amongst the would-be soccer stars. He singled out their lack of conditioning, claiming that there were far too many beer guts and guys who were totally winded after less than ten minutes of action. “It’s an embarrassment to the team, to soccer and especially to them (those trying out),” he lamented. No Alexi, it’s not. What the hell did you expect? You have an open tryout for a sport that no one over the age of 12 cares about in America, and you’re expecting a couple hundred Pele replicas out on the pitch, making crisp passes and driving home headers for goals, exhibiting a level of fitness on the level of Jack Lalaine? You are a soccer team, idiot. You invite anyone who has $130 handy to come and try out for your team, you’re going to get the dregs of the world, guys who pound Big Macs and ice cream and do more 12 oz. curls than any other form of exercise. Know your place and make sure I don’t hear from you again, because again, YOU ARE SOCCER!

- My Grammy commentary in 40 words or less: the Dixie Chunks won five Grammys. That alone says all I need to say about the total lack of credibility the Grammys have and their lack of relevance to actual good music.

- I don’t know if it’s just the abnormal juxtaposition of farmers and astronauts as subject matter or my excitement about the possibility of some insane astronaut love triangle, diaper/kidnapping/mace/knife/metal mallet action, but I’m genuinely excited for the new Billy Bob Thornton movie, The Astronaut Farmer. I’m trying to decide if this is fortuitous timing or bad news for the movie, but the whole Lisa Marie Nowak story is definitely drawing a lot of attention to our space program and astronauts right now. So a movie about a nutty farmer who wants to build a rocket and go up into space is something that should raise more than a few eyebrows simply on the basis of timing alone. Maybe it’s too late, but if I’m producers of this movie, I’m running back to the sound stage and filming some scenes about an insane female astronaut in a diaper driving cross country to get to that farm in the movie and kidnap the astronaut’s wife. I feel like this would bolster the plot significantly, and maybe you can even work in a cameo for Nowak. If you need any help in writing those scenes or developing that storyline, you know where to find me.

- In an ironic twist, fashion show organizers in Spain have banned five models from appearing in this year’s Pasarela Cibeles fashion show, the top show in Spain, because the models are too thin. To determine if a model is fit to be in the show, those in charge use a body mass to height ratio, with anything below a score of 18 making that model ineligible. One of the rejected models had a ratio score of 16, the equivalent of being 5 feet 10 inches tall and weighing only 110 pounds. Wow, that’s…..umm, disgusting. Yes, most guys like girls who are on the thin side, but that’s just sickeningly thin. As someone who’s 5’11 and weighs about 40 pounds more than the chick with the 16 body mass ratio, I’m always labeled as skinny, so I can't even fathom how a person would look at approximately the same height but 40 pounds lighter. I guess all of those jokes about eating a single peanut cut into thirds for your three daily meals have some sort of basis in truth after all. Mix in a salad and a few small chunks of tuna, girls, it won't kill you.

- Politicians in the House of Representatives are lying and going back on their word, and I’m loving them for it. Specifically, it’s Democrats and their leader in the House, Rep. Steny Hoyer, D-Md., who had initially said that Republicans would be allowed to propose their alternative to the Democrats’ anti-troop-surge resolution. Republicans want to pass a measure that would back up and oversee the President’s plan, with specific benchmarks to judge progress in Iraq. Hoyer then backpedaled, stating that debate would be limited to the Democrats’ already-introduced resolution to oppose the plan to add 21,500 more troops to the already out-of-hand debacle in Iraq. House Minority Leader, Rep. John Boehner cried foul over the decision, but I have to figure that the majority of Americans would be down with anything that could put the brakes on W’s most recent IQ-challenged decision. Keep lying, scheming and conniving, Democrats. Do whatever it takes to prevent the President from sending any more of our troops over to clean up his mess.

- The general public doesn’t just love bad music and buy it in bunches; people also love bad movies, it seems. Norbit, the trying-to-be-funny-but-isn't movie from Eddie Murphy with the comedian playing multiple roles, led the box office this weekend with $33 in revenues. Just wondering, can Eddie Murphy not work with other actors well? He seems to do quite a few movies where he plays some or almost all of the roles, including both of those Nutty Professor bombs a couple years back. Also, didn’t we just have some abomination of a movie about a comedian playing multiple characters, including an obese black woman, last year, Madea’s Family Reunion or something like that, starring Tyler Perry? When we’ve reached the point that studios aren't just recycling concepts and themes from good movies but from bad ones too, maybe it’s time to drop a one-year moratorium on all movie making until we can generate some ideas that haven't been used (and sucked royally) several times before.