American opportunism and self-serving-ness has come to Iraq, we've won, we've won!

- Does Barry Bonds need to keep reminding us what a surly, bitter, hostile and unpleasant horse’s ass he is? My main man B. Bonds has his agent declaring that Barry simply cannot cooperate with former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell’s investigation into Major League Baseball’s steroid problem because Bar-roid is also in the midst of a federal perjury investigation. Convenient, isn't it? Having a lie to tell to cover up your real reason for not cooperating, I mean. Are we supposed to assume that if this whole perjury mess wasn’t going on, Bonds would gladly answer Mitchell’s questions and turn over the medical records that have been requested. What, you mean when every other player who’s been asked has given Mitchell the proverbial middle finger and told him to get lost that Barry would be happy to help? Riiiight. Tell ya what, Barry, you just tell us the truth, keep being the same ass you are and we can just hate you for that and not for also being a compulsive liar. Here’s hoping you break your leg and tear your rotator cuff when you’re about two home runs shy of breaking Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record and are never able to play again.

- Rulon Gardner is f’ing indestructible. Seriously, there just doesn’t seem to be a way to kill this dude, and the world has taken its best shots. After Gardner achieved sporting fame on the heels of his triumph over previously unbeaten, invincible Russian heavyweight wrestler Alexander Karelin in the 2000 Summer Olympics, he basically faded into normalcy. A couple years later, though, Rulon was in a snowmobile accident that left his badly hurt in the middle of nowhere in freezing temperatures. He had to have one of his toes amputated because of frostbite, yet he survived the accident. Fast-forward another couple of years to Gardner riding his Harley on the open road and being T-boned by a truck. That kind of collision could (and would) kill most people, but not Rulon Gardner. He survived and recovered fully, then went back to life as usual. That brings us to his most recent harrowing escape, when he and two friends were flying in a small plane in the wilderness (then again, in Utah, isn't everything wilderness?) when their plane crashed into a freezing cold lake. Problem is, they were nowhere near shore. But that’s actually not a problem for Gardner and his pals, who swam an hour and a half to shore in 44-degree water. A medical professional treating them said half an hour swimming in that cold of water would induce severe hypothermia in most people, yet it didn’t seem to faze Rulon and his crew. After reaching dry land, they proceeded to camp out overnight with no food and no shelter, again in freezing cold temps. Man, I wish I were half as tough as Gardner, because he’s freaking invincible. Snowmobile accident, frostbite, amputation, motorcycle wreck, plane crash, swimming for more than an hour in a freezing lake, but he’s still ticking. Looking back, Alexander Karelin never stood a chance in the 2000 Olympics, not with Rulon Gardner across the mat from him.

- While I’m glad to see ABC News correspondent Bob Woodruff back to good health and recovered from being injured by a roadside bomb in Iraq, I have to call him out on the one-hour special coming up that’s hailing him as some sort of hero and putting him on a level with actual military personnel who have been seriously injured in the war. Politics aside (yeah, this whole was is still one big atrocity foisted on us by our Bozo in Chief, W.), the men and women who bravely serve in the heat of battle are a whole lot different than a TV news correspondent who goes over for a few weeks or months to report on the conflict. I somehow doubt that Bob is out defusing IED’s, eating MRE’s, not seeing his family for more than a year and engaging in firefights with Iraqi insurgents. I’m sorry to see anyone hurt in the conflict, but using images of injured soldiers and claiming that you’re going to tell the story of Bob Woodruff other heroes injured in the war is a farce. Bob isn't a hero, he’s a correspondent who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Stop trying to pretend you’re some kind of hero or celebrity, B., and go back to actual corresponding.

- One of the biggest criticisms of America and specifically American cultural is our imperialistic nature. Wee supposedly force our way of life, cultural habits, likes and dislikes on the rest of the world. Fast food joints in Tienamen Square, Nikes on the feet of children in India, American television programs and celebrities becoming well-known in all corners of the globe, you get the point. Clearly, Iraqis are getting the point too, because the former chief lawyer for Saddam Hussein is doing that most American of activities, benefiting off of and capitalizing on the notoriety, death and horribly tyrannical reign of another. In America, not a tragedy goes by that someone doesn’t try to make a buck off of it. Khalil al-Dulaimi, Hussein’s former legal counsel, is choosing to overlook the fact that a fascist dictator like Hussein killed thousands, invaded defenseless nations and perpetrated countless human rights atrocities on people in his region and thus al-Dulaimi will be publishing his very own tell-all book about the now-executed despot. He’s even going to reprint letters and poems written by Hussein, and would “clear up some facts that haven’t yet been announced.” Sounds to me like you’re trying to drum up interest in your book by promising exciting new information that can only be found out by purchasing THIS GREAT BOOK FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $19.95, Mr. al-Dulaimi. Kudos to you for overlook all that nasty killing and trampling of human rights so you can advance your own personal interests. And I tell you what, put me down for two copies of your book, assuming that some of those Hussein poems are “Why George W. Bush is the devil” haikus.