2,000 words of dripping Thursday sarcasm

- John L. Smith must be one of the five most bitter men in all of sports. Your might remember Smith as the Howard Dean sound-a-like who actually slapped himself at a press conference following a loss this past season, before he was fired as head football coach at Michigan State. His Spartans were abysmal once again, and Smith was fired, in part because they suffered an atrocious homecoming loss to Illinois, a team that only won two games last year but somehow managed to come into MSU and do the Spartans on their home field. After the game, a melee broke out when some Illini players tried to plant a giant Illinois flag at midfield to celebrate the win. Well, Smith was canned and now, several months later, he’s still trying to take shots at Illinois and its head coach, Ron Zook. When Zook landed a Top 20 recruiting class for an Illinois team that went 2-10 in 2006, Smith suggested that a team with such a bad record and less-than-stellar facilities couldn’t possibly attract such a great bunch of recruits - at least not ethically and legally. Without saying anything specific, Smith alleged that something shady is going on at UI. John L., I don’t know any other way to say this, so I’ll do it this way: unless you’ve got hard proof, shut your mouth. If you have no evidence, just bitterness-fueled suspicion, you have no business casting aspersions on Zook and his staff. If you have actual evidence, turn it over to the NCAA. But right now, you look like a bitter, sour, grumpy old dude who can't get over the fact that he lost to a team he esteemed as being so inferior to his own.

- This could be a genuinely benevolent act with only positive ramiprecussions (yes, I invented a new word, deal with it), or it could be an ill-fated decision culminating in disaster: Ozzfest, a popular annual tour featuring hard rock and metal acts, will make tickets to this year’s tour free. Sponsors will underwrite the tour, meaning fans can see Ozzy Osbourne and whatever other artists he assembles (lineup still under construction) for no charge. On one hand, it’s nice to have a throwback to the Woodstock-era free-concert-in-the-park vibe. But you have to wonder if fans like Korn, Rage Against the Machine, Slipknot (artists who have played the ‘Fest in the past), people with a seemingly endless and unexplainable reservoir of violence, anger and sense of disenfranchisement directed at the world, will be able to comply with procedures whereby they will receive these free tickets. Assuming a venue has a limited number of seats and they just have to get in line for ducats, what are the odds that no fights and melees break out when someone cuts in line, looks at another dude’s chick in a wrong way or when those waiting in the back of the line find out that all the tickets are gone? Yeah, that’ll end well. Of course, when you’re as filthy rich as Ozzy, you can afford to give a tour where you basically don’t make any money off tickets and in exchange you get tons of positive pub. Of course, I’m sure tour organizers are hoping to gash fans and make money back on merch and food, so don’t be surprised if t-shirts are $45 and a soft pretzel is $14.50. Fans in San Diego, Seattle, Denver, Chicago, Kansas City, Atlanta, West Palm Beach and Nashville, hope you all enjoy the (free) show.

- I just don’t see any truth in the fears of Mexican business leaders that bloody, brazen daytime killings by suspected drug smugglers just up the hill from Acapulco Bay will hurt the country’s tourism industry. Why would drug dealers whacking people just up the road from your beachfront hotel be a problem? In the most recent incident, drug smugglers entered two police stations and killed cops and staffers. Mayor Felix Salgado said in response to the violence, “I hope this does not affect the tourist image.” No, F., I’m sure it won’t. Tourists aren't concerned with tiny matters like personal safety and the possibility of being kidnapped or killed. The potential that at any moment, armed gunmen might burst into the fish taco joint you’re lunching at and start killing people adds spice and excitement to any vacation. Also among the killings by the drug dealers are six beheadings, and if I’m not mistaken, one of the brochures available from the Acapulco Dept. of Tourism attempts to entice would-be visitors to “Come to Acapulco and get your dome lopped off.” Personally, though, I think I’ll go ahead and restrict my travel plans to places where I can be sure that my chances of getting offed are much more remote.

- Keep this up, Gov. Bill Richardson, and you’re going to run yourself right out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. To be truthful, B. Richardson has zero chance to get the nomination, because Barack Obama is about to lap him and even the deplorable and stunningly dude-like Hank Clinton, D-NY is probably ahead of him. But Richardson’s active advocacy of banning cockfighting in his home state of New Mexico isn't going to help his street cred. New Mexico is one of only two states where cockfighting is still legal, but if the governor has his way, that’s going to end. Personally, I don’t understand this. How can you not be down with the idea of two chickens pecking one another to death and having razor blades and gaffs strapped to their legs to cut each other? This sport doesn’t end until one rooster is dead or injured to the point that it’s basically dead, and who wouldn’t be proud to have that going on in their state? I’m sure that the many Democratic voters who would have voted for Richardson in the hopes that he would, as President, bring cockfighting to the whole nation, will now throw their support behind another candidate. Wonder how Joe Lieberman feels about the sport? Don’t ask Hank Clinton, though, because I’m sure that dude has no problem with brutal violence and ruthless aggression.

- From the Department of News That Makes You Want to Build a Giant Wall and a Moat Around Your Home, we have this story: an international crackdown in kiddie porn sickos has nabbed more than 2,400 people in 77 countries. Yes, there are more than 2,400 people (and that’s just the ones caught in this sting, not to mention the losers who get snagged by one of the ubiquitous NBC To Catch a Predator investigative shows) in this world who pay money to see footage on the Internet of sexual abuse of children. Dang…..I knew this world was messed up, but even one person that twisted is disturbing, let alone knowing that there are more than a few of them in pretty much every nation advanced enough to have Internet access. An Austrian Internet service employee found the videos, blocked access to them and recorded the information of people who tried to access them. Authorities then began their crackdown, including some people who accessed the disgusting footage through a Russian website for $89. On days like this, I find myself extremely pissed at Al Gore for inventing the Internet in the first place. As great as the Net can be for many uses, it’s incidents like this that make me sick on so many levels.

- Because America is a fat, fat place that builds a new McDonald’s or KFC every hour, the quest to find the magic answer to our obesity crises forges on. Since fat people can't figure out how to exercise and stop slamming fried chicken and pizza down their pie holes, science is continually searching for medical miracles to help the obese shed the pounds. The weight-loss pill orlistat, previously available only via prescription, will now come in an OTC version. This fat pill blocks about a quarter of the fat consumed in any given meal when taken with those meals. This might be too obvious, but wouldn’t avoiding high-fat foods be easier? Maybe go with the boneless, skinless chicken breast instead of a bucket of greasy KFC chicken? Perhaps for dessert, eat a chocolate chip granola bar instead of downing a pint of Rocky Road Ben & Jerry’s. The only potential upside on this drug for those of us not carrying around dozens of extra lbs. is the possibility that commercials for orlistat will push all of the ads for crank enhancement and sexual performance drugs aside. If that happens, I’ll happily stop criticizing drugs for fat people and move on to something else.

- Can you remember the last time you cared about the NBA Slam Dunk Contest? I can’t, although admittedly I’m not a big NBA guy and follow only the league in a cursory sense. Ever since the last work stoppage/strike/lockout in the ‘90s, I just can't generate much enthusiasm for the Association. The Slam Dunk Contest produces a whole new level of disinterest, though, and it’s not just me. The players don’t give a rat’s a** either. Every year, at least a half dozen guys reject invitations to participate in the event before the NBA prevails upon a few no-names looking to build some notoriety to take part. This year, though, even one of the players who agreed to compete isn't really enthused about it. Tyrus Thomas, a rookie for the Chicago Bulls, will be in the contest but admitted straight up that he’s just in it for the money. “I’m just going to go out there, get my check and call it a day,” he explained. “I’m just into the free money. That’s it. I’ll just do whatever when I get out there.” Given a chance to back down from his comments, he adamantly maintained he’ll just wing it in the contest and not really care about the results, just as long as he gets paid. He doesn’t care about the chance to rub elbows with some NBA legends; he just wants his jack. The Bulls, led by hard a** fascist dictator/coach Scott Skiles, threw down a $10,000 fine on Thomas for the comments, but he’ll make twice that much for participating anyhow. Yeah, but this is still an integral part of All-Star Weekend, right NBA? Wake me up when the playoffs roll around and I might be able to muster a shred of interest.

- Better learn English if you are planning to live in Nashville. This would seem obvious, what with Nashville being in Tennessee and a part of these here United States of America, but the Nashville City Council felt the need to pass a resolution declaring English the city’s official language. So all government communications must now be in English, with some minor exceptions. One possible concern is all of the redneck country music singers who reside in Nashville. I don’t know what language these people sing and speak in, but for many of them, it doesn’t seem to be English. Some bastardized, dumbed-down version of English, maybe, but they might have some trouble with this new law. Also, where exactly does this whole imperialistic, ethno-centric bull crap stop? Does everyone, everywhere feel the need to stand up and beat their chest to prove that they’re a red-blooded, patriotic American? Nashville needs to proclaim English as its official language? Who’s next, Council Bluffs, Iowa? Billings, Montana? If states in the center of the country feel the need to do this sort of thing, states with no major ports of entry like Miami, New York, L.A. or cities in southern Texas, then how long before we all follow suit? Nashville isn't the first city to take this step, and I doubt it’ll be the last. Anything to make immigrants and non-English speakers feel excluded, perhaps…….but either way, speaking and communicating in English should be something we all know and don’t have to have legislated to us.