has dropped to eighth on the top album chart, but again, I’ll stand firm on my claim that it’s better than any album above it at this point. I’d actually pay money to buy the album, whereas you’d have to pay me to listen to pretty much any other album in the Top 10.
- I strung this out, I rewrote the rules over and over, but in the end, the Cincinnati Bengals are miserable failures and they have no one to blame but themselves. The team that had nine players arrested in a nine-month span and had a shot at a double-digit arrest total for this season came up one arrest short. I went so far as to expand my criteria to include the playoffs as a part of the Bengals’ season, even though the team failed to make the playoffs. Then, I extended the season another week by counting the Pro Bowl as a part of the season, but still the Bengals couldn’t come up with one measly arrest to cap off a potentially great year. After cornerback Jonathan Joseph’s arrest for marijuana possession last month, Cincy was tantalizingly close to realizing my dream of a ten-arrest campaign. Then, during Super Bowl week, they toyed with me by having star wide receiver Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson questioned by Florida police in conjunction with the shooting death of another man, but it was soon revealed that Johnson wasn’t a suspect or, as his reps termed it, “a person of interest” in the case. So the 2006-07 season comes to a close in disappointing, disheartening fashion for both myself and the Bengals. They’ve ripped my heart out and shattered my dream, and for that I will be forever bitter. Thanks for nothing, guys.
- Every so often, one of the lesser esteemed, less credible, more pathetic elements of our society rears its head and makes us all remember why we’re so ashamed of them in the first place. Whether it’s a Star Wars convention where hundreds of dorks dress up like Chewbacca and Hans Solo, the adult video/entertainment convention where porn freaks and degenerates gather together and meet their heroes (sluts who take it for money on film) or the Republican National Convention, where hundreds of Brooks Brothers-wearing sycophants fall in line to select incompetent louts as their candidate for president, these events crystallize why these groups are so despised. That brings us to the Westminster Dog Show, being held Monday and Tuesday at Madison Square Garden in downtown Manhattan. Losers from all over the world, people who dress their dogs in human clothing, feed them better food than the owners themselves eat, buy them fancy dog beds and then trot their pooch around in a circle on a leash for all the world to see will take over the Big Apple. Their beloved canines will crap all over the hallowed floor of the world’s most famous arena, lick themselves and have judges checking out parts of the dog that no human other than a paid veterinarian should be looking at. Yes, these losers are the ones who are deluded enough to refer to their pet as a child and a member of their family. And no, losers, no matter how hard you try and how desperate you are to have actual companionship because no one else wants anything to do with you, your dog is not a person and not your child. Dogs are cool, but they are also pets and animals, so act accordingly. Dog show losers, I look forward to not hearing about you again for about a year after Tuesday.
- A couple decades ago, cracking on our President and siding with the leader of Russia on an issue, any issue, would’ve gotten you branded as a Communist. Nowadays, though, it gets you branded as something altogether different: an intelligent, rational human being. Russian President Vladimir Putin blasted the U.S. policy on nuclear weapons and international relations, saying in part, “One state, the United States, has overstepped its borders in every way.” Initially, I wanted to say how wrong Putin is, and that other nations shouldn’t feel compelled to develop and maintain nuclear weapons in order to protect themselves against the brutish, imposing Americans. However, it’s somewhat difficult to take that stance when, well, these other nations can point to a shining, ongoing example of America doing exactly what Putin accuses us of. I mean, if we’re willing to burst into Iraq without substantiated reason or proof of anything, tear their country apart and refuse to leave until they comply with installing the type of government that we want them to have, what’s to stop us from doing it to any other nation? Of course, Putin and all other world leaders should take solace in knowing that odds are against us having another warmongering, low-IQ, Neanderthal moron of a president right after our current one, but I guess you never know. Last time we had one of these a-hole in office, though (Richie Nixon), it took about three decades to have another one in his likeness. Even so, I’m going to say it’s not a bad idea for other nations to build and maintain some nuclear capabilities, just in case.
- Newest addition to the “Reasons to avoid cruise ships” list, joining the near certainty that you will contract a viral-based illness and the chance that your ship will run aground and dump hundreds of gallons of environmentally-damaging diesel fuel into the ocean……..your cruise ship may be struck by a rusty, dirty barge and suffer a 30-foot gash in its hull. That’s what happened to the Carnival Cruise Lines’ Fantasy ship, although no one on the ship suffered any injuries as a result of the collision. Maybe there were no injuries, or maybe the passengers were all so ill from contracting Norovirus that they couldn’t make it out of bed to report their injuries. I’ll say again what I always say: cruise ships are the #1 hazard to the health of travelers worldwide, and it’ll be a cold, cold day in Hades before I ever get on board one of those germ-infested, environment-polluting, collision-suffering heaps of metal.
- This has taken so long to happen and has been taken as such a certainty for weeks now that the announcement of Barack Obama’s campaign for the democratic presidential nominations was met with surprisingly little fanfare on a national stage. The announcement came from Springfield, Illinois, at the Old State Capitol where Abraham Lincoln once lived. Most importantly, it solidifies our hope that we won't have to see Sen. Hank Clinton, D-NY, inaugurated on the Capitol steps in January 2009. And if you think I included this mostly to take another run at Hank Clinton…..well, you’d be right. But I am excited about the possibility of seeing Obama in the Oval Office. Then again, I’d be excited about the possibility of seeing an intoxicated chimp behind that desk after the horror we’ve had as our President for the past few years.
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