Love for rednecks, contempt for an NFL coach and trouble at the airport

- Tom Coughlin should shut his mouth, be glad he didn’t get fired and worry about how to push his football team, the New York Giants, past the mediocrity of an 8-8 record and the first round of the playoffs. Getting into a sniping match with his former running back, the newly retired Tiki Barber, who is embarking on a career as a TV personality, isn't going to end well for Stalag Coughlin. On Friday, Coughlin told reporters that he wished Barber hadn't voiced his strong opinions publicly and wasn't sure why Barber blamed the coaching staff for pushing him into retirement. “I do not know what this is all about,” Coughlin said. “I was under the impression he was having a press conference to announce his new role with NBC, and then to find out that he turned around and talked about something like this ... I think to give the illusion that I had something to do with his retirement, I don't quite follow that.” Barber, who will now work on the "Today" show and Sunday Night Football broadcasts, criticized Coughlin recently for not giving him enough rest during the practice week. He said there were days he couldn't move and that Coughlin was upset he could only go half-speed, which forced him into what some considered an early retirement. Coughlin needs to realize that Barber is no longer his player and that he’s paid to give his opinions. That’s what TV analysts do, Tom. If you can't deal with it, I don’t know what to tell you, because you’re not going to be able to do a single thing about what Barber says or does now that he’s not under your authority.

- Some of the innovations in airport security and security measures are idiotic and infuriating (no toothpaste carried on board if it’s over 3 oz., moronic), but the new “backscatter” X-ray technology that allows security to see through people’s clothing and check for weapons isn't so bad. Before you get the idea that this is like Superman’s X-ray vision and that security can just look though your clothing and essentially see you in your birthday suit, hear the whole story. The image that comes up on the screen is basically a line drawing, an outline of the body on a white background. It’s not graphic, or as some suggest, pornographic. Imagine taking a black magic marker and drawing an outline of a body and you’ve got a good idea of what goes on. This, quite frankly makes sense, being able to check for weapons in another way. Not allowing me to carry on a 6 oz. tube of Colgate, on the other hand, makes no sense at all. What, that extra 3 oz. in the tube is just too much of a security risk? You have a lot of terrorist jamming explosives into their hygiene products? Use some common sense, TSA, and quit hassling travelers over such inane things.

- Few things are funnier than when criminals get busted by and undercover operation run by the cops. Usually it’s prostitution and the would-be johns try to look stunned and wronged for soliciting sex from a cop posing as a hooker. The humor value is doubled, though, when the criminals being fooled by it are actually cops who have wandered over to the wrong side of the law. Such is the case in Ft. Lauderdale, where four veteran police officers were charged in federal court Friday with taking thousands of dollars in payoffs to protect what they thought were mob shipments of drugs, stolen jewelry and art. Problem is, the “mobsters” were actually FBI agents working on a two-year sting operation. I have to wonder how four “veteran” cops can't see through a string operation when they’ve probably been around a few of them during their careers. Then again, it’s tough to see the truth when you’re blinded by the prospect of making some extra jack, eh? If I were a Ft. Lauderdale resident, I’d feel very good and very safe knowing that I had such savvy and ethical individuals serving and protecting my city.

- Wow, I didn’t even think American Karaoke could possibly sink this low. In a desperate grab at cash and apparently in lieu of selling Ruben Studdard bobble-belly dolls and Clay Aiken man-purses and makeup kits, the company responsible for creating the monstrosity that is American Karaoke, 19 Entertainment, and its co-producer, FremantleMedia, announced plans for Idol Camp, where aspiring 12 to 15-year-old karaoke singers, er, performers, can go to waste their parents money and learn how to stand in line outside for hours to audition for a hack show that they won't even be invited to participate in. What’s really offensive is the $2,900 (are you f’ing kidding me?) price tag for 10 days of learning how to recycle old Tom Jones and Celine Dion tunes, dancing like someone having a seizure and convince people to waste their hard-earned money calling in to vote for you. No word on whether campers, like AK contestants, are entitled to sleep with Paula Abdul as part of the experience. Of course, going to camp doesn’t guarantee you anything, other than being fleeced out of nearly three grand and being relentlessly mocked by all the other non-loser kids in your neighborhood. You don’t automatically get to audition for AK because you went to camp, but you do have a story to tell in case you ever need to make yourself look especially desperate, dorky and pathetic.

- It was only a matter of time. Websites like eharmony.com and match.com have been up and running for a long time, encouraging people to seek the love of their life electronically because they can't actually find someone to be with them in a face to face manner. Thus, you knew sooner or later this would happen, the redneck version of online dating sites, farmersonly.com. I wish I were making this up because it would be a lot less sad, but a commercial I caught on TV calls this the dating site for “farmers, ranchers, cowboys and good ‘ol country folk.” I was laughing too hard to pay attention to the whole commercial, but I have to assume that in lieu of the normal personality questions other dating sites use, farmersonly.com uses queries like:

1) What is the proper ratio of corn to mash when making a batch of moonshine?

2) What is the minimum number of teeth you would want in a prospective suitor?

3) Is it necessary that a potential date possess at least a third grade reading level?

4) What brand of chewing tobaccy do you prefer a mate to use?

You may even be able to set up your first date as the demolition derby at the county fair or a ‘coon hunt at Farmer Jones’ property, I don’t know. But ultimately, this site is a good thing, because we wouldn’t want necks to feel left out of the online dating process.