Thursday, October 15, 2015

Soccer reclaims its rightful place in America, Maldives espionage fun and Five Finger Death Punch v. Kanye West


- Chain restaurants enrage some people. They hate the idea of heavily processed food made in assembly line fashion, with speed and cost prioritized over quality. That may or may not have been the reason an Alaska woman took off her clothes and put on her inner Hulk this week at a Subway restaurant in Anchorage. What’s clear is that the naked nihilist entered the restaurant on Tudor Road fully clothed at around 5 p.m. and went into the restroom, where she removed all of her clothing and returned to the dining area in a full-on rage. She began to break the furniture, pull down ceiling tiles and throw around the food, tables and chairs in a display that probably would have fit better at an establishment such as Taco Bell with its hazardous-to-your-health-and-fit-to-be-destroyed “food” offerings. Terrified employees called police, who responded to the scene and were able to apprehended the woman and bring an end to her rampage. You may or may not believe this, but officers speculated after arriving on the scene that the naked woman may have been on drugs, perhaps spice. Either that or she simply is not a fan of cheap, quick submarine sandwiches bundled with tiny and wildly overpriced bags of salty snacks and cookies. Oh, and there’s also the chance that she simply realized she lives in a frigid wasteland devoid of sun and warmth for the majority of every single year. Either way, props to this woman for making others’ lives more interesting for a few brilliant minutes………


- Five Finger Death Punch are good people. Ivan Moody’s rock outfit may not be considered among the best bands in rock and roll, but anyone who disses them should hear them out on their views regarding a certain egomaniacal, wildly overrated rapper with a fondness for attention whoring before rendering a final verdict on FFDP. Specifically, check out their recent show in Chester, Pennsylvania, which contained a moment that has to rank as the best and biggest in Moody’s life. There he and his bandmates were, rocking out and getting the crowd moshing when Moody took a moment out of the noise to issue a proclamation that led to hundreds and hundreds of people chanting a statement that is as true and just as any that has ever been uttered. "Let's make one more statement right now: F*ck Kanye West. Yes, I f*cking said it and I don't regret it,” Moody shouted to the crowd. It’s not the first time those words have been uttered and they’ve been totally justified every time, but rarely does someone a) grab a microphone on stage in front of a crowd and say it and b) not have West bum-rush the stage and hijack the mic from them. Moody proceeded to lead a chant of "F*ck Kanye!" before adding, "I'm gonna hear about that tomorrow on Facebook and I really don't give a sh*t." It was the sort of concert we should all aspire to be at and FFDP are the sort of band that we can all rally behind whether we’re fans of their particular brand of rock and roll or not………


- Someone’s feeling a bit oversensitive and paranoid, eh Maldives President Yameen Abdul Gayoom? My man, you’re the leader of a small, weak chain of islands that form a nation most people could not find even with the assistance of Google Maps, so you have to expect that with your lofty position you’re going to be a target for those who either want your throne or feel like you’re not doing a good enough job. Therefore, you can't be acting a fool and firing your defense minister in what is believed to be part of an overhaul after an explosion on your speedboat last month, one officials suspect was an assassination attempt. Gayoom broke off Defense Minister Moosa Ali Jaleel, the president’s spokesman announced in, of all places, a tweet. Hey Yameen, if it’s not too much to ask from the leader of a country, do you think you can let the world know in an official statement rather than one contained in 140 characters on social media? Why not hit that with #yourefire #trytoblowmeupidetonateyourcareer? Best of all, the tweet didn’t give a reason for Jaleel’s firing, which just coincidentally comes amid arrests and transfers in the defense minister that followed the Sept. 28 blast that wounded Gayoom's wife, an official and a bodyguard. The big boom came as Gayoom and his wife were returning by boat from the country's airport to the capital. The airport and capital are on separate islands in the archipelago state. So far, two soldiers have been arrested in conjunction with the bombing, but this (alleged) conspiracy is still being unspooled………


- Hey America, remember when our soccer team was the next big thing on our national sports scene, inspiring World Cup viewing parties attended by thousands? Neither do we. Let’s all just agree to act like those never happened and none of you tried to tell anyone who would listen that the United States was on the verge of becoming a global soccer power. That has never been further from the truth right now following the last three major outings for the U.S. men’s national team. First, there was 2015 CONCACAF Gold Cup semifinal loss to Jamaica. Up next was a Confederations Cup loss to Mexico in which the Americans were thoroughly outplayed. To cap it off, the U.S. dropped a 1-0 decision to lowly Costa Rica in an international friendly played in some place called Harrison, New Jersey. Joel Campbell delivered the dagger that downed the Americans in front of a meager crowd of just 9,214 and let’s just say those hearty soccer souls were not enthusiastically behind embattled U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann. Klinsmann was booed when he was announced before the game and the loss didn’t exactly endear him to the fans. Afterward, the wildly overrated coach offered little encouragement about his team’s current state. . "The Saturday night clash with Mexico was still heavy in the air," Klinsmann said. "Heads were full. We were not able to shake this off within two days. It was too much a disappointment but also too much on their shoulders. There are not only sunshine days. We had a lot of sunshine 2012, 2013, 2014. Now it's raining a little bit and you've got to go through that.” Sunshine days? That’s all you have? J., your team is preparing for the kickoff of a new World Cup qualifying campaign in exactly a month and pundits and fans across the United States are calling for your head. Maybe you want to come up with something better than sunshine days before the U.S. is dropping 5-0 decisions to the likes of Trinidad & Tobago……….

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