Giancarlo Stanton is back, Communism offends Poland and Missy Elliott returns

- Thieves are still not the smartest lot. Their plans are often short-sighted and their schemes are typically full of holes that wouldn’t exist if they had been concocted by a smarter individual. Troy (N.Y.) resident Rahkeim Scarlett falls squarely under this heading, as evidenced by what happened after he allegedly used stolen credit cards to buy expensive jewelry at a suburban Rochester jewelry store. According to police, Scarlett used a stolen card on Feb. 11 to buy a Rolex watch and diamond earrings worth nearly $30,000, but his treachery was discovered before he even had a chance to exit the store. Amazingly, someone buying $30,000 worth of merch aroused some suspicion and when store employees questioned him and tried to prevent him from leaving, this fool allegedly fled but was founding hiding in snow banks on the mall property. Either his getaway car wouldn’t start or the city bus he was planning to use to speed away from the scene wasn’t running on schedule, but trying to blend in with a pile of dirty, rock-filled, off-white snow in a mall parking lot doesn’t exactly scream criminal mastermind – unless you have those snow-tinted camouflage suits Leonardo DiCaprio and his friends rocked in the climactic closing scene in “Inception.” Amazingly, hiding in a mall parking lot snow bank wasn’t the dumbest part of the plan. No, that would be swallowing a diamond ring in an attempt to hide the evidence. According to police Scarlett swallowed a diamond ring that was among jewelry he bought with the stolen credit cards, seemingly ignorant of the laws of physics and biology and the fact that the ring was going to come out sooner or later. Sure enough, he passed the ring several days later and now he and his public defender have to find a way out of this mess………

- Missy Elliott is working it and attempting to capitalize on her surge of Super Bowl fallout fame in the process. Elliott, who joined Katy Perry during the pop hack’s show at the Super Bowl halftime show earlier this month, is trying to use the momentum from those moments beside dancing sharks and 20-foot-tall mechanical lions to launch her first album in a decade. After performing her hits “Get Ur Freak On,” “Work It” and “Lose Control,” Elliott saw her album sales soar 2,500 percent and sales of those three songs rise by 978 percent. In the wake of that boost, the rapper has confirmed that she is working on new music with Pharrell Williams. Elliott posted a picture on Instagram showing she and Williams in the studio, tagged with the caption, "VA! 2 up 2 down! Me & my fam @Pharrell hard at work.” The image confirmed what Elliott had been hinting at for a while now, including a photo of herself in the studio with producer Timbaland. It was Timbaland who produced the vast majority of Elliott's back catalogue and if he and Williams, two of the biggest producers of pop music drivel these days, are on board then it’s only a matter of time before Elliott is cranking out the follow-up to 2005’s “The Cookbook.” Granted, the three people – Perry, Williams and Timbaland – orbiting around this new album are all mainstream pop hacks who are more concerned with churning out marketable, overly produced tunes that will get heavy radio play, but Elliott clearly has game and hopefully that game will be able to overcome the people with whom she has surrounded herself, yielding the next great rap album of 2015……….

- The conflict ‘twixt Russia and Ukraine is jumping borders and ruffling feathers around Eastern Europe. It’s causing strife in Poland, where Warsaw city councilors have banned a 1945 monument of Polish-Soviet brotherhood in arms from being returned to its place on a city street. Councilors voted 51-2 to keep the hulking monument, commonly known as the "four sleeping men," in a storeroom. The original plan was to return the monument to its place after it was moved in 2011 to allow for the construction of a subway line in the area. The council previously voted to put the monument back in place, but the conflict in eastern Ukraine threw those plans into disarray. The monument was originally erected in 1945 in Warsaw's Praga district to commemorate the joint struggle of Soviet and Polish troops against the Nazis, but over the years it came to represent something much different. Looking back, the tipping point was the 1989 fall of communism, because it was after that point the monument became an unpopular symbol of the hated, oppressive political system employed by the old U.S.S.R. Even so, removing such a massive monument isn't something that happens overnight. It stood for more than two decades after Communism (theoretically) fell in Russia, but now that relations between Warsaw and Moscow are strained over the unrest in Ukraine, the chances that it ever goes back up are remote. Look for Poland to find something else to fill the space the monument once occupied, maybe even commission a local artist to create a new work of art that will stir Polish pride without invoking the name of that overbearing, invasion-happy country to the east………

- Giancarlo Stanton is back and looking semi-ridiculous. He’s fine with that, just as long as looking absurd keeps him on the field to earn that 13-year, $325 million contract he inked with the Miami Marlins this offseason. Stanton saw his 2014 season come to an abrupt end Sept. 11 when he had his face broken by a pitch from Brewers starter Mike Fiers. The sight of a bloodied, battered Stanton being helped off the field that day is tough to shake, but he’s put it out of his mind and made his comeback this spring while rocking a helmet that looks unlike anything that has come before it in baseball. To protect his surgically repaired grille, Stanton is wearing a facemask attachment on his batting helmet, courtesy of prepared by football helmet manufacturer Schutt. Stanton's mask is made of carbon fiber and features a stylized "G," covering the left side of his face around the mouth in case another pitch comes up and in on the reigning National League home run champion. Clad in the helmet, Stanton saw his first live pitches on Thursday since his beaning back in September and is confident that the helmet won't hamper his visibility at the plate. "I wasn't fond of that [old design] across my face the whole time,'' he said. "It's just what I envisioned when thinking about it.” Other MLB players have worn mask attachments on their helmets over the years and New York Mets third baseman David Wright famously wore an oversized, comically large helmet designed to protect against concussions a couple years back. Stanton is the first to wear a personalized football-style mask, one much different than the plastic extension Jason Heyward began wearing in 2013. Although Stanton hasn’t announced whether he will wear his mask in the regular season, it’s tough to imagine him not sticking with it as long as it works well throughout spring training………

South Korean adultery, emergency Pittsburgh art and a "Rocky" spin-off

- What do you do when the star of your sports or action movie franchise is too old to kick ass the way he or she once did, but you still want to squeeze every last dollar possible out of the ‘chise? You concoct a preposterous spin-off of that franchise, relegate the star to a non-action role and try to get fans to buy in. Cue Warner Bros. and MGM releasing a plot synopsis for “Creed,” their forthcoming Rocky spin-off film. Because Sylvester Stallone is aged out of the boxing star role, he will instead serve as a trainer and mentor to the son of his former boxing rival, Apollo Creed. “The Wire” star Michael B. Jordan has been cast as Apollo's son, Adonis Creed, and work on the project began last month under the guiding hand of director Ryan Coogler. Crowd scenes for the movie used fans of Everton FC because these hooligans were more than willing to fill their favorite team’s stadium for a chance to be on camera. The synopsis is a bit cryptic, but suggest dire straits for Balboa. Stallone's character will also be "battling an opponent more deadly than any he faced in the ring," according to the synopsis. "Adonis Johnson (Jordan) never knew his famous father, world heavyweight champion Apollo Creed, who died before he was born. Still, there's no denying that boxing is in his blood, so Adonis heads to Philadelphia, the site of Apollo Creed's legendary match with a tough upstart named Rocky Balboa.” Jordan will find Balboa in Philly and convince his father’s former rival that he has the same grit and toughness as his old man. This drastic theatrical reach is due out on Nov. 25 and it will be the first time Stallone has portrayed Rocky since the disastrous “Rocky Balboa” in 2006………

- Book a ticket to Seoul, would-be playas. South Korea just threw the door wide open to adultery by abolishing a 62-year-old law that criminalized extramarital affairs. There are some dudes whose wives either turn a blind eye to adultery or in the case of NBA star Andrei Kirilenko, give them one free pass a year, but a South Korean court went a step further and instantly caused the stock price of a prominent condom maker immediately to rise 15 percent with a ruling that the law suppressed personal freedoms. The Constitutional Court's ruling is big news and could impact many of the more than 5,400 people who have been charged with adultery since 2008, when the court earlier upheld the legislation, according to court law. In what could cause massive chaos, all current charges against those people could be thrown out and those who have received guilty verdicts will be eligible for retrials. The law states that having sex with a married person who is not your spouse is no longer punishable by up to two years in prison. Nearly 53,000 South Koreans have been indicted on adultery charges since 1985, though most have managed to dodge prison time for their crimes. Still, South Korean condom maker Unidus Corp. got a massive stock boost from the removal of the adultery ban, which has been part of South Korea's criminal law since 1953. Making the change has been a point of heavy debate in recent years due to changing social trends challenging traditional values. The law’s supporters argued in favor of protecting traditional values, but critics contended that the government had no right to interfere in people's private lives and sexual affairs. By a margin of 7-2, the court ruled that the law "excessively restricts citizens' basic rights, such as the right to determine sexual affairs.” Simply put, it was outdated and whoever wants to blow right through their marital vows and get their freak on with someone who is not their spouse now has a massive, unchanging green light………

- Most days, the NCAA totally sucks. Its inherent hypocrisy and all-around lame-osity are easy to hate but tough to change…and then there are days like today, when ineligible Baylor running back Silas Nacita highlights just how much the governing body for major college sports totally blows. Nacita was booted from the Baylor football team for accepting impermissible benefits, but his story captured national attention because of why he took those perks. Back in 2014, he was homeless and accepted housing and benefits because, you know, a homeless teenager would like a place to live. He initially accused the NCAA of wrongfully punishing him for accepting those benefits while homeless in 2014, but was removed from the team when Baylor's compliance office determined he had made "rules violations that impacted his eligibility." Even though he totally should have been allowed to accept help that kept him off the streets, he still took the high road and tweeted a statement accepting responsibility for his ineligibility. "The bottom line is that I broke the rules," he wrote on Twitter. "I should've never accepted the help and I am deeply sorry for my actions." He went on to admit that the  "close family friend" who has provided his housing was merely an acquaintance from his hometown of Bakersfield, California. "At the time I did not think this was inappropriate behavior, but now I can see that I made a mistake by disregarding guidance from Baylor compliance on what benefits I may accept," Nacita wrote. "I take full responsibility for my choice to accept these inappropriate benefits." The bottom line, as always, is that it’s (insert time you’re reading this) and the NCAA still sucks………..

- Ah, art. At its best, it is mysterious, colorful, confounding and offers great insights into the world and its inhabitants. At its worst, it is quite literally garbage and smells accordingly. But on those other days….it gets the fire department called to downtown Pittsburgh because folks cannot distinguish between a piece of living art and an actual safety hazard. Just as Pittsburgh firefighters how much fun that can be because they have been called to a downtown public square at least twice by people who reported smoke when they saw machine-generated fog that's part of a new art installation. Credit/blame for this one goes to artist Jennifer Wen Ma, whose "A Winter Landscape Cradling Bits of Sparkle" is a small oasis of mulched trees enveloping a small, boardwalk path. It contains a fog machine that emits a cloud of the wispy stuff every 10 minutes to simulate a cloudy mountaintop. One would think that the powers that be would be well aware of what the exhibit entailed before it went up to avoid this very sort of nonsense and waste of taxpayer dollars, but clearly not. The Office of Public Art, a public-private agency, believes it has successful addressed the issue by communicating what the hell is going on to firefighters and possibly toning down the intensity of the fog bursts to lessen the chance of future false alarms for the next six weeks or so until the installation is taken down on April 12. Until then, good people of Pittsburgh, please attempt to not be morons by overreacting to a fog machine in your midst………

Two more "Terminator" sequels, learning from "Road House" and don't bash Manny Pacquiao

-  It’s good to know that alleged race-based discrimination by police isn't just a New York City thing. If you believe 13 men of black or of North African origin, French police are well-versed in the practice. That baker’s dozen of alleged harassment victims claim they've been targets of numerous, unjustified police identity checks because of their ethnicity and their racial profiling case has wound its way to a Paris appeals court after a lower court rejected their claims in 2013, ruling that police officers didn't overstep legal boundaries. In spite of the ruling by the lower court, this case has been characterized as the first such effort in France to tackle racial profiling by police, which means that France moves just as slowly as the United States when it comes to confronting and handling important issues of societal importance, despite Europe’s sustained belief that it is much more progressive and forward-thinking than its American friends. This issue has lingered in France since violent 2005 riots in housing projects where police have a notoriously bad relationship with youths, often of immigrant origin. French law allows for widespread police checks on people deemed suspicious, but such a broad law is bound to create problems and critics have long claimed that police simply have too much discretion when it comes to who they detain, question and arrest. Given the recent terrorism attack in Paris, dealing fairly with people of all races and beliefs might be a good one to tackle………

- Former NBA player Daniel Orton was caught in a difficult place. On the one hand, he’s a lower-tier, 6-foot-10 center who played for the NBA's Orlando Magic, Oklahoma City Thunder and Philadelphia 76ers from 2011 to 2014 and was most recently seen balling from the iconic Purefoods Star Hotshots of the Philippine Basketball Association. On the other hand, he’s a professional athlete who doesn’t like the idea of someone making a mockery of the sport he loves just because that person is a world-famous professional boxer who just inked a deal for the most lucrative bout of all-time. Orton took issue with Manny Pacquiao serving as a player-coach for the Kia Carnival this season, a role in which the congressman-world champion-wannabe hoops star has been a non-factor when it comes to putting points on the scoreboard. Pacquiao scored one point in a recent victory against the Hotshots, setting a new career high in the process (probably) but failing to win ovr the Hotshots’ one allotted American player on their roster. “[Pacquiao playing] is a joke," Orton said. “Professional boxer? Yeah. Congressman? All right. But professional basketball player? Seriously? It's a joke." It may be a joke, but Orton is the only one laughing. His team clearly wasn’t because it fined and released him for daring to criticize Pacquiao’s lack of basketball ability. Orton was dinged  $5,650 for his comments and sent packing after three games. "Everyone is angry at him," Hotshots top administrator Rene Pardo said. "It is like he went to the United States and insulted the name of Martin Luther King." Probably not, Rene, but nice try. PBA commissioner Chito Salud also issued a scathing statement about the “cavalier manner in which Mr. Orton issued his comments and the unwarranted antics and liberties he has taken with the league.” In other words, Manny Pacquiao is the only reason people know we exist, so stop pot-shotting our meal ticket………

- Everyone should learn and live out valuable life lessons from James Dalton. Who is Dalton, you ask? That’s a problem right there, not knowing who one of the all-time cinematic badasses/bar stool philosophizers ever to appear on the silver screen is. He is, of course, the star of the cult favorite 1989 film “Road House,” a college-educated bouncer who comes to a small town and brings order to the local bar while fighting crime and corruption and romancing the town’s resident über-hot, yet curiously single bachelorette. He is also the inspiration for the New York Police Department’s latest effort to educate its officers on how to properly interact with the public. Yes, the NYPD has turned to a scene from "Road House" as part of the mandatory, three-day retraining course for 22,000 cops. Instructors told their charges that they needed to have thick skin when dealing with people and hit the officers with a two-minute clip in which Dalton teaches the bar’s security guards how to deal with unruly patrons at the Double Deuce. In the clip, Dalton lays out three simple rules and the final one is the rule the NYPD wanted to hammer home most: "Be nice." "If somebody gets in your face and calls you a [expletive deleted], I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won't walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can't walk him, one of the others will help you, and you'll both be nice," Dalton said in the clip. "I want you to remember that it's a job. It's nothing personal." He wraps on his speech by insisting that the bouncer “be nice until it’s time to not be nice.” So the next time an NYPD officer is dealing with a belligerent drunk or a shoplifter who tries to outrun them down a back alley, look for some friendly banter and polite request to comply first and a body slam on the hood of the cruiser second……….

- What the hell else is Arnold Schwarzenegger supposed to do? He’s a former governor who did a mildly terrible job in office, a known adulterer who got with his maid instead of his hot celebrity wife, former world champion bodybuilder and a terrible actor who is best known for his pronounced accent and inability to break beyond the one very specific character mold in which he’s existed his entire career. That means in the latter years or his career, he’s not going to be branching out and treading new cinematic ground. It’s why he has confirmed he will return for “Terminator 6” following this year's fifth installment of the franchise, “Terminator Genisys.” The fifth chapter in the series is set for release July 1 and it will see Schwarzenegger return to the iconic title role for the first time since 2003. Bringing back an aged-out action star with a limited skill set is desperate, but it’s also a better idea than the 2009 tire fire of a fourth installment that was “Terminator Salvation,” starring Christian Bale and Sam Worthington. For the fifth film, Schwarzenegger will be joined by “Game Of Thrones” star Emilia Clarke, who takes on the role of Sarah Connor made famous by Linda Hamilton, as well as by Jai Courtney, Jason Clarke and former “Doctor Who” star Matt Smith. Paramount is reportedly planning not only a sixth Terminator movie, but a seventh one as well. The Gover-nator was asked if he will appear in the sixth movie and he replied, "Yes, of course, next year.” Sounds good, Ah-nold, but know that at this point people aren't watching those movies because they think you and they are awesome; they’ll be gawking because you’re a train wreck waiting to happen……….

Text messages o' domestic abuse, Mexican political lotteries and and a Pee-wee Herman Netflix movie

- Netflix was doing so well. The video streaming service had expanded its offerings to include its own original content and some of those offerings received great reviews. The prospect of a new Pee-wee Herman movie co-produced by Judd Apatow is not likely to be one of those heralded productions. The film, titled “Pee-wee's Big Holiday,” will premiere exclusively on Netflix in all territories in which the streaming service is available. It will bring back noted pedophile and former children’s television star Paul Reubens will return as his alter ego Pee-wee Herman and also serve as a producer alongside Apatow. "As a fan of Pee-wee Herman since he first appeared on The Dating Game, I am thrilled to have the opportunity to work with the brilliant Paul Reubens on this film. It is a dream come true," Apatow said in a release promoting the film. “In Pee-wee's Big Holiday, a fateful meeting with a mysterious stranger inspires Pee-wee Herman to take his first-ever holiday in this epic story of friendship and destiny." Good, but make sure you keep any and all children who appear in the movie away from Herman and never allow him to be alone with any of them at any time….and make sure that freak keeps screaming his Word of the Day at random intervals while talking to inanimate objects that have been given both names and faces. John Lee, behind the camera on numerous episodes of sitcoms “Broad City” and “Inside Amy Schumer,” will direct this farce beginning next month using a script co-written by Reubens and “Arrested Development” scribe Paul Rust. What a dumpster fire of a trip down memory lane this should be……….

- World, Mexico is giving you a road map for how to make people give a damn about your political elections and if you’re smart, you’ll follow it. Even if the reasoning Mexico is using doesn’t apply to many countries, the concept it plans to use to combat its political problems translates. It seems that Mexico’s political parties are worried that the populace is losing faith in their ability to pick candidates who aren't linked to drug cartels, so the National Regeneration Movement party decided to do something about the issue. To restore faith in its transparency and ability to choose candidates without ties to drug gangs, violence or corruption, the party went Powerball. In other words, party officials had some 3,000 vetted hopefuls put their names in a drum and after a few hearty spins, they picked out the names of 200 people who will run as candidates were pulled out at random. This idea will supposedly squash the trend of people with links to cartels getting parties to allow them to run for office in Mexico by promising to pay for their own campaigns. Before you scoff at the notion of a candidate lotto, just know that within the past week, a rival party dropped from its candidates list a woman whose husband is a former mayor who was arrested for allegedly protecting a drug cartel. Yes, picking candidates the same way they pick winning numbers every Thursday night when your grandmother plays Bingo at the local VFW isn't exactly credible or respectable, but if the alternative is a candidate nose-deep in drug money, then maybe a giant Drum O’ Candidates isn’t such an awful plan……….

- Chris Rainey, you have company. Rainey made headlines back in 2010 while a football player at the University of Florida for texting the words, “Time to die, b*tch,” to a woman with whom he had a relationship – while the police were with the woman investigating claims that Rainey had threatened her. Now-former Louisville guard Chris Jones, who was dismissed from the program on Sunday, didn’t go quite as far as Rainey, but he’s the same sort of d-bag who threatens women via text message and it cost him his spot at the university. According to police, Jones sent a threatening text message to a woman with whom he has had a relationship for much of the past year, vowing to "smack TF out of" her, with "TF" interpreted to mean "the f-ck," after she messed up his room on the afternoon of Feb. 17. After the woman reported the text to police, Louisville coach Rick Pitino suspended Jones for the Cardinals' game the next day at Syracuse. Jones was reinstated and scored 17 points in a win over Miami, but was gone again after that and following Louisville's 52-51 victory Monday night at Georgia Tech, Pitino said, “Unfortunately, we've got to move on. They're like your children. You don't like to see anybody be hurt. But there's also accountability and doing the right things. He didn't.” Predictably, the woman decided not to prosecute Jones and instead, he plans to meet with noted basketball player rehabilitator John Lucas to work on his anger management issues. Some time away from the ol’ iPhone might be beneficial as well………. 

- Want to take one of those cool-looking Viking River Cruises through Europe and cruise down the Rhine or the Rhone to see majestic river valleys, historic churches and majestic mountains, but feel like now is not the best time to go trekking across the globe? You should probably get over your fear of leaving the country, but if you can't, Viking has a new, domestic way to charge you a sh*t-ton of money to spend a week or more aboard a boat with hundreds of strangers. The European river cruise company is preparing to launch an American branch of its operations and set sail on the Mississippi River, taking folks from New Orleans north to Memphis, St. Louis and St. Paul, Minnesota, depending on the season. Gov. Bobby Jindal and Viking officials announced that New Orleans will be the first North American home port for the cruise line and a fired-up Jindal – dollar signs dancing in his eyes – proclaimed that will mean hundreds of jobs and a boost to the city's tourism industry. Viking is expected to begin offering cruises from New Orleans in 2017 and in order to make this nautical wet dream a reality, the company plans to build six boats capable of hosting up to 300 passengers for the new American cruises. Until then, it will continue to offer tours in Europe and Asia and seek more venues in which to continue its rapid expansion of recent years. River cruising has also surged of late, possibly because it means people don’t have to ship out to sea on a vessel that is a floating biohazard and possible fire risk and can be much closer to shore should anything go wrong and force them to evacuate rather than face a week or more without working toilets…………

Baseball superstitions, fatal railroad Instagram pix and the Swiss sell out

- Selfies and other so-not-candid shots snapped for social media are very literally a hazard to picture subjects’ health. The growing list of people who have fallen off cliffs or into bodies of water because they just had to get that epic photo for their Instagram feed or to Snapchat to their friends would have been enough, but that list received a fatal addition over the weekend when a man posing for a photo in front of a moving train in Oregon was struck and killed by another train that he didn’t notice heading in the other direction. This would-be viral legend was traveling on a Tacoma-to-Portland road trip with a female companion when the two of them made what was supposed to be a quick stop at train tracks along the Kalama River. Their plan was to grab a quick lung dart break and snap a few pictures while they were there, but that plan had some major flaws. A northbound train passed by and thinking he had the perfect photo op, the man "walked out between the northbound and southbound set of train tracks to pose for pictures as the train passed by him," Cowlitz County Sheriff's Chief Criminal Deputy Charlie Rosenzweig said. Sadly, not paying attention despite walking on the very tracks where Amtrak train was approaching on the southbound tracks was the lethal punch line for this story and the man was struck and killed while posing for a photo, Rosenzweig added. There aren't any great ways to shuffle off this mortal coil, but this one should qualify the unidentified victim for the Darwin Awards, given annually to the person who does humanity the biggest favor by removing himself or herself from the gene pool……….

- At least it’s a better option than donating to the next Scott Stapp album. TLC might be two-thirds of a has-been pop/R&B group that put out some wildly overrated albums nearly two decades ago, but if they’re asking for $150,000 to fund their new release, then giving them a few bucks is much wiser than acceding to the former Creed frontman’ plea for $300,000 to crank out another collection of unlistenable, preachy arena rock. The TLC request came from Rozonda 'Chilli' Thomas and Tionne 'T-Boz' Watkins, who are putting the album together without founding member Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes, who was killed in a car crash in La Ceiba, Honduras. The group made its pitch via Kickstarter last month and nearly tripled their asking price by raising $430,000. It will be their fifth and final album and first since  2002's “3D,” which dropped seven months after Lopez’s passing. To entice fans to give, the group offered them the chance to receive old music video outfits, an exercise class with member, slumber parties, signed vinyl, movie dates, phone calls, outgoing voicemail messages and more. It was a mildly sad offering to befriend/pimp out what remains of their credibility in order to get money for an album, but anything in pursuit of a dream, eh? They even hooked fellow pop hack Katy Perry, who pledged $5,000 and received the gift of a slumber party with Watkins. Pledges began at $5 and Thomas explained how the idea got rolling. "I got on Twitter later than most. I already had fans asking, 'When are you coming back? We need more music,'", she said. "Then once our biopic came out, the requests were just overwhelming. Fans have even been sending ideas for what they want a new album cover to look like – they get so creative. They have so much love for us, and we thought, 'We gotta do this, and we have to involve the fans.'" She even had the audacity to suggest that offering perks in exchange for Kickstarter contributions was “outside the box,” which is both cute and clueless/naïve………

- Don’t you just hate it when thee best part of a country gets wrecked, the part that made you love that country so much in the first place? No, this has nothing to do with America and keeping it the way it is by erecting 50-foot- high walls with 10-foot metal spikes on top and a moat in front of it filled with alligators to eat any potential border crashers. This is a tale that hits much closer to home for a vital group – the über-rich. For many years, wealthy folks have looked to evade taxes and keep more of their not-so-hard-earned cash by funneling it into back accounts in foreign tax havens where it’s safe and secure. Those places have included the Cayman Islands and until now, Switzerland. Cross the Swiss off the list of places to stash that eight-figure nest egg because today is the day the Swiss sold out by inking a deal with neighboring Italy to end Swiss banking secrecy. The neighboring countries, in the agreement signed in Milan, promised to exchange information for tax purposes in line with international standards. It’s easy to understand why Italy wanted this deal; it needs all the help it can get to help it fight tax evasion. The law stipulates that Italians with Swiss bank accounts can voluntarily disclose them, pay the tax due and incur milder sanctions if they do so by September. According to Italy's finance ministry, its authorities can immediately try to "pinpoint potential Italian tax evaders who keep wealth in Swiss territory." After high-fiving himself and enjoying some biscotti, Premier Matteo Renzi claimed that the deal means "billions of euros" will return to Italy in tax revenues. The real question is how the hell Switzerland sold out so many people who trusted it not just for the world’s best cheese, chocolate and skiing and how they plan to live with themselves now………

- Baseball players are among the most ridiculously superstitious souls walking the planet. They have lucky golden thongs, they eat the same meal before every game believing it impacts their hitting and they refuse to wash various articles of clothing or shave in order to keep themselves on a hot streak at the plate. So if Atlanta Braves outfielder Melvin Upton Jr. decided to go back to using his government name instead of playing under B.J., short for Bossman -- his father, Manny's, nickname – Junior because he believed it would help him recover from two of the worst seasons of his career, no one would have a second thought. But according to Upton, that’s not why he’s changing his moniker. He’s adamant that his decision to change his first name has nothing to do with his struggles over the past two seasons. "This has nothing to do with starting a new chapter," he said. "I just wanted to. My father thought enough to give me his name, so why not?" His full name is Melvin Emanuel Upton and he said that most of his friends already call him "Mel or Melvin." "Nobody really calls me B.J., except at the stadium," he said. In truth, the Braves obviously don’t give a damn what name Upton uses as long as he comes a lot closer to earning the money he’ll receive in this third year of a five-year, $75 million deal with Atlanta, the biggest free-agent contract in Braves history. In the first year of that deal, Upton gave the team a .184 batting average and struck out in more than one-third of his at-bats before his ass was benched. Last season, he sort of upgraded those numbers by blasting the ball over the yard to the tune of .208 with 12 homers and 35 RBIs. At this point, his 2012 season with the Tampa Bay Rays, in which he belted a career-high 28 home runs while batting .246, seems like Barry Bonds, Babe Ruth and Ken Griffey Jr. rolled into one by comparison. "[Those years] are over with," Upton said. "They're gone, and I can't change them. So I just need to work to the future and get ready for this year." Whatever you day, B.J. Melvin Emmanuel Upton II Jr…………

Saudi dancing v. morality police, movie news and Rafael Nadal's failed all-nighter

- All-nighters seem fun at the time, but the fallout is a bitch. Just ask one of the best men’s tennis players in the world, 12-time major champion Rafael Nadal. Nadal went down in stunning, straight-set fashion in the semifinals of the Rio Open losing 1-6, 6-2, 7-5 on clay to Italian Fabio Fognini. It was the third time Nadal has laced them up for a tournament this year and the third time he hasn’t won. Furthermore, he was bounced in Rio, on his preferred clay surface, in a tournament he won last year. He does have a good excuse though, and it has to do with what kept him up until 3:18 a.m. that same morning. See, reaching the semifinals meant playing until 3:18 in the morning before beating No. 6-seeded Pablo Cuevas. He was back on court just 17 hours later and showed the effects, even though he wasn’t complaining. "I have to be happy the way I played that first set," Nadal said. "But I got tired too early today. ... But these kinds of things can happen." If nothing else, the Rio outing was a better result than losing in the quarterfinals of the Australian Open and getting clipped in the first round of the Qatar Open. He’s in action next in Buenos Aires and has a lot of work to do to be ready for the clay court action at the French Open in just three months. For a man who’s won nine of the past 10 titles at Roland Garros, playing so poorly in the second major of the year would be unsightly. "I feel my tennis is close, closer than a month ago to the level I want to arrive again," Nadal added. But hell, he did look slimmer than one year ago, when he missed significant time due to illness and injury………..

- In an ironic twist, something taken from Germany during the Nazi era is being returned to Deutschland. Usually, it’s the other way around, but today is the day that a 450-year-old German artifact that was used to tell time and to make astronomical calculations is returned to a German museum from which it was likely stolen, according to the Toledo Museum of Art. The device, known as an astronomical compendium or astrolabe, went AWOL from the Gotha Museum in Gotha, Germany, sometime in 1945. It would be fitting to chalk it up to karma biting the Germans in the ass after year’s of Hitler and his sycophants thieving valuable art and artifacts from around Europe, but the Toledo museum is being nice about it. "This was a one-of-a-kind scientific device," said Brian Kennedy, president and director of the Toledo museum. "It's sad to see it go, but it's not ours." It seems that when Americans occupied Gotha during the war, an item or two may have gone missing and some of the Gotha Museum’s collections were moved in 1945 to the former Soviet Union once authority over the area was transferred from United States. The astronomical device somehow found its way into the hands of a New York art dealer before it was sold for $6,500 in 1954. Then in 2013, the Gotha Museum sent a letter to its counterparts in Toledo, explaining how it found out about the piece and believed it was their lost item. The German museum sent documentation and Kennedy and his crew reviewed the information and concluded that the piece on display in Toledo was "most likely one and the same." "We've recognized there's been a cultural shift in how museums conduct themselves," he said. "There's much more scrutiny in how museums obtain their objects and transparency now." In other words, you just surrendered to the Germans and gave them their first ever war victory over the United States. Way to be, wimp……….

- All of the middle-aged women with romance novel fantasies found something new to do this weekend, it seems. “Fifty Shades of Grey” kept its top spot on the earnings list, but saw its intake plummet 73 percent to $23.2 million, giving the adaptation of E.L. James’ housewife porn novel $130.1 million in two weeks of release. “Kingsman: The Secret Service” remained second and banked another $17.5 million, giving the spy drams $67.1 million in two weeks. The top three remained unchanged as “The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water” held its ground with $15.5 million, good for a three-week domestic haul of $125.2 million. The first two newcomers of the top 10 were “McFarland, USA” in fourth place at $11.3 million in its debut and “The DUFF,” slotting fifth with $11 million in its first weekend. “American Sniper” kept up its record-breaking run with $9.7 million and after nine outstanding weeks, it has racked up an R-rated $319.6 million so far. The debut was a weak one for “Hot Tub Time Machine,” which bowed to $5.8 million against a modest $14 million budget and seventh place. Up next on the list was eighth-place finisher “Jupiter Ascending,” thanks to $3.7 million in its third weekend and is the biggest bomb of the year with $39.5 million against its whopping $176 million budget. Oscar nominee “The Imitation Game” snagged another $2.5 million in its 13th weekend and the World War II drama has accrued $83.9 million of domestic money. Round out the top 10 was the animated “Paddington” at $2.3 million and $67.6 million overall through its first six weeks. “The Wedding Ringer” (No. 12), “Seventh Son” (No. 14) and “Project Almanac” (No. 15) all lost their top 10 spots from one week ago…………

- Just dance…unless you’re in Saudi Arabia and you’re a dude looking to have some fun at a birthday party. In that case, you’re going to want to make sure your country’s über-ridiculous morality police aren't lurking outside the door, ready to detain you for getting your groove on in some truly harmless fun. The latest instance of outright intolerance came when the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice raided a private property in the city of Buraydah, arresting the men inside for "loud music and inappropriate dancing." Loud music should usually merit a warning from the cops and little more, but not in Buraydah, which is the provincial capital of Saudi Arabia's Qassim province, home to some of the kingdom's most conservative clerics who practice a strict interpretation of Islam known as Wahhabism. In a bad case of “Footloose” taken to the extreme, the morality police – clad in their judgment suits and piety helmets – raided the private party and found the young men in "a comprising situation in their dance and shameful movements." No word on whether those movement included doing the Wobble, but there was also a cake and candles to celebrate one of the men's birthdays. The morality cops also found that the young men's hairstyles and dress were not traditional their parents were warned to monitor this kind of behavior "because it can lead to immorality and even homosexuality." Yes, dancing can make a person gay. It’s amazing – that in the 21st century, such moronically antiquated thinking persists anywhere in the world. Social media trolls seized on the fact that the men were not caught drinking alcohol or partying with women -- both crimes in Saudi Arabia. Sadly, Wahhabi clerics view Western music as sinful and birthday celebrations as un-Islamic and they empower their morality police to enforce Islamic law as practiced in Saudi Arabia……….

Bitter rock and roll divorces, bitter NBA divorces and bitter Russian sycophants

- This is the reason intra-band dating is almost always a terrible idea. Even when the band in question has a long and successful run spanning the better part of three decades, it’s going to end badly and the resulting relational drama will play out in a very public setting. Such an ending is sad to see for one of punk rock’s true likeable couples, former Sonic Youth guitarist Kim Gordon and her ex-husband Thurston Moore, the band’s lead guitarist. Gordon is releasing a book detailing her life and experiences fronting a band that rode the rising wave of punk through the 1970s, 80s and 90s and right on into the new milennium and knowing she needs to put the most salacious details out there in order to drum up interest in the tome, she’s leading by firing unprovoked shots at her former flame. The scathing critique of Moore centers on the group's final show and in it, Gordon rips Moore's "rock star showboating," which is typically just known as being the lead guitarist for a rock band. “"We had exchanged maybe fifteen words all week. After 27 years of marriage, things had fallen apart between us,” Gordon wrote in the excerpt. “Thurston double-slapped our bass guitarist Mark Ibold on the shoulder and looked across the stage, followed by Lee Ranaldo our guitarist and Steve Shelley our drummer. I found that gesture so phony, so childish, and such a fantasy.” Gordon’s seemingly overblown ire is predicated upon the notion that Moore has “never been the shoulder slapping type.” She viewed it as his declaration of freedom and return to flying solo. Oversensitive much, K………

- Petty thieves are petty thieves because they lack the skills to a) contribute to society in a meaningful way or b) be the kind of high-end thief that steals items of great value instead of looking to rip off convenience stores and fast food eateries. Having said that, every now and then a low-end thief makes an effort so impressively stupid and ridiculous that he or she deserves credit for being willing to go to such awful extremes. That doesn’t make a smash-and-grab robber who made-off with more than $10,000 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets any less of a target for Orlando police, but the way this criminal went about his business showed a solid grasp of using what you have to gain that which you do not deserve. Surveillance video captured the hooded suspect in a crouch, using his head as a battering ram to force his way through the glass front door at the Sunshine Food Mart in Orlando. The suspect lunges forward as glass shatters around him onto the floor and once inside, he went directly for racks of Florida Lottery scratch-off tickets. Once he had grabbed all he could get, he exited the same door he had just broken down and theoretically spent a whole lot of time with a penny in hand, scratching off the stolen tickets and piling up mountains of that annoying silver powder that covers scratch-off ducats to obscure the text printed on them. Alas, his efforts were for naught, as lottery officials canceled the stolen tickets before they could be cashed-in by the suspect. Maybe next time, butthead……..

- Speaking of bitter divorces and snarky commentary, enter former Phoenix Suns point guard Goran Dragic and Suns management, neither of whom have been able to hide their disdain for one another since he was swapped to Miami prior to Thursday’s trade deadline. Dragic started the relational drama when he said he no longer trusted the franchise and wanted out and team president Lon Babby fired back, labeling those comments as "unfair and unwarranted." That probably would’ve been sufficient, but leave it to general manager Ryan McDonough to further excoriate Dragic in speaking about the deal in which the team sent Dragic and his brother Zoran to the Miami Heat and received guard Brandon Knight from the Milwaukee Bucks. "We feel like we got the best player in the trade [Brandon Knight], coming or going," McDonough said those things after a three-way trade that sent away a player who nearly led the surprising Suns to the playoffs last season. The problems arose last offseason when Phoenix added a third point guard, Isaiah Thomas, to go with Dragic and Eric Bledsoe. "Every move we make is with the goal of getting the Phoenix Suns to a championship level," McDonough said. "Sometimes, players view that as a good thing. I think they usually do. The good ones do. But, sometimes, players get a little selfish and are more worried about I, me and my than us, our and we." Verrry subtle, GM. Saying without saying that Dragic is a me-first prima donna who would rather be a star than a champion. Part of the GM’s snippy comments certainly stems from the heat the front office is taking for trading Dragic and also swapping Thomas to Boston despite sitting in ninth place in the Western Conference and having an outside chance at the playoffs. Getting defensive rarely produces happy results……….

- Riot Watch! Riot Watch! Sure, it’s a bunch of raging Communist flunkies gathering in downtown Moscow, but you take what you can get when it comes to large crowds of irate people uniting the rise up against something. This particular demonstration of direct outrage came when thousands of ticked-off Russians staged a demonstration against what they describe as a "fascist coup" one year ago in neighboring Ukraine. Those gathered also get credit for multitasking their rage, as many in the crowd used the occasion as a chance for some wholly unnecessary and unprovoked shots at Western nations. Many in the crowd toted hostile banners that said: "Die, America!" Yes, anti-Western sentiment in Russia is boiling over, but this should be about Ukraine and not your disdain for a nation not ruled by a fascist dictator who imprisons anyone who doesn’t meekly follow his every directive with a vodka-fueled smile. The demonstrators gathered near Red Square to protest events in Ukraine, where people who wanted the government to honor its previous pledges to strike a favorable trade deal that would have strengthened its ties with the European Union. The resulting uprising led to the ouster of the country's Russia-leaning president on Feb. 21 and since then, chaos has reigned and Russia has unabashedly invaded its neighbor and turned Ukraine into a Russian proxy state where freedom is but a dream. The Moscow protest included an eclectic group of extremists, with ultranationalist bikers, pensioners, war veterans, student organizations and other pro-government groups coming out to make their Putin-directed personal thoughts and ffeelings felt. Police pegged the number of attendees at 35,000, but those numbers, like everything else pro-Putin in Russia, are dubious and difficult to verify with anything the rest of the world would commonly call actual facts……..

Jimmy Fallon hurts Screech's feelings, sex offenders and stolen clowns and Venezuelan sh*t gets real

- Sh*t is getting real in Venezuela. Then again, it’s always been real(ly dangerous) for anyone who doesn’t march in lockstep with the government in a Stepford-worthy fashion. The latest to learn this cruel reality is Caracas Mayor Antonio Ledezma, who was kidnapped by police in camouflaged uniforms who smashed their way into his office in the middle of the night, carrying the opposition leader away in real eff-you move to opposition groups. It immediately kicked things up a notch in the socialist-run South American country and Presi-dictator Nicolas Maduro announced that Ledezma, one of his most vocal critics, would be punished for his efforts to undermine the government. In response, angry Caracas residents stood near their windows and made noise with kitchen pots or smashed out one honk after another on their car horn in rush hour. A small, vociferous mob gathered to vent their anger in front of the headquarters of the intelligence service police where Ledezma is believed to be held. "He'll be held accountable for all his crimes," Maduro said. The kidnapping came one week after Maduro named Ledezma among government critics and Western powers he accused of plotting a coup to bring down his socialist government. The real surprise is that it took this long to grab Ledezma. He may have antagonized Maduro by mocking the accusation in multiple interviews, saying the real destabilizing force in Venezuela was the government's corruption. Mix in this week bringing the one-year anniversary of anti-government street protests that cloaked the capital in clouds of tear gas and smoke from burning barricades and it was a true sh*t storm of chaos. Ledezma’s allies quickly called for more protests Friday to demand his immediate release and critics believe the arrest is a misdirection to avoid addressing growing economic problems such as widespread shortages and galloping inflation that reached 68 percent last year. Ledezma’s arrest was captured on surveillance video and the footage went viral in a hurry. His release likely won't come so quickly…………

- Kung Fu Panda don’t give a f*ck. Boston Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval, who earned his cartoon nickname because he’s thrived as a portly played on two World Series champions, made the jump to Boston this offseason as a free agent and inked a five-year, $95 million deal that instantly pegged him as a target for criticism if and when he doesn’t live up to expectations. Apparently some had lofty expectations for how he would look when he rolled into camp in Fort Myers this week and Sandoval failed to reach those high marks. Listed at 5-foot-11 and 245 pounds, he showed up at camp looking like his usual cherubic self and someone snapped a picture of it and it became an instant target for online hate. Haters ripped him for being out of shape and suggested that he needed to shed a few pounds before his Fenway Park debut in April. Not surprisingly, the former World Series MVP and the man who belted three home runs in a Series game while playing as an overweight MLBer was nonplussed by the trolls trying to drag him down. “Let them talk, talk and criticize," Sandoval said. "No matter what they say, it will never change me or the player that I am." The thing is, dude is right. While professional athletes are typically viewed as elite physical specimens whose bodies are their temples, not all of those temples contain 4 percent body fat and look like they belong on the cover of Men’s Fitness. Some dudes just play better as fatties, just like Jonah Hill is more entertaining on screen when he’s overweight. Besides, that photo was taken eight days before the first official full-squad workout and Sandoval will probably lose a pound or two before the regular season starts. "We live surrounded by critics, so let them talk, let them criticize me as much as they want. Ultimately that makes me a better player," Sandoval said. "What really matters is who you are when you step on the field, and I will let my bat and my glove speak for themselves.” Well said, Panda…………

- Sometimes, you don’t want a lost possession returned. You lose your toothbrush for a few days and don’t know where it went, it’s probably best to leave it be. A friend borrows a piece of clothing, wears it in places that leave it in rather unsavory condition and at the end of the day, maybe you just want to let them keep it. The same goes for a ceramic clown that vanished from a closed Wichita amusement park more than a decade ago and was recently tracked down at the home of a sex offender who once worked at the park and two decades ago helped restore the clown. Sure, Joyland wanted its clown back when it didn’t know what became of it, as the clown is its mascot – which is another, creepy story entirely. Louie the Clown, the mascot of the Joyland amusement park, was discovered by Wichita police officers at a home of Damian Mayes, who is serving a prison sentence for a 2010 conviction for aggravated indecent liberties with a child and aggravated criminal sodomy. Yes, a child molester who has some sort of clown fetish. This one is skeevy on so many levels. Mayes built and repaired organs at the park before he was charged and became the latest person to further the irrevocably sullied reputation of carneys, but no one knew he was the one responsible when Louie disappeared from the Joyland property in 2005 or 2006. The statue couldn’t be that important because it wasn't reported stolen until 2010, yet police said the nearly 50-year-old clown is worth about $10,000. Wichita police Detective Matt Lang said Mayes may still face charges for the theft and called the discovery of the clown "quite a shock,” adding that a phone tip led to its discovery. "Social media and a lot of interest, not only in Joyland but the clown in particular, kind of kept it alive," Lang said. Yes, but why? Clowns are freaky, they’re disturbing and quite frankly, one that hung out at the home of a pedophile should stay lost………..

- It’s amazing what a sex tape and a stabbing will do for a person’s chances to be part of a reunion for iconic Saturday morning teen drama of which they were once a vital part. When Jimmy Fallon reunited the original “Saved By the Bell” cast earlier this month, he brought Mark-Paul Gosselaar (who played Zack Morris in the classic '90s teen sitcom), Mario Lopez (AC Slater), Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski) and Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano) back together, but there was one curious omission. That would be Screech, a.k.a. Dustin Diamond, who said he wasn't asked to be a part of Fallon's reunion. In the sketch, Berkley mocked her post-“Bell” role in the notoriously raunchy 1995 film “Showgirls” and Dennis Haskins' Mr. Belding, the principal of the show's fictional Bayside High School, made an appearance and became Twitter cannon fodder for all the weight he had gained. Diamond's agent claimed that the actor didn't appear in the reunion sketch because he had "prior commitments,” which was vague and dubious even then. Now, Diamond has owned the truth that he wasn't invited to be take part and only found out about the reunion a couple of days before it took place, when a friend of his girlfriend sent her a text about it. He said he wished he had been invited, but having a sex tape and a recent arrest in Ozaukee County, Wisconsin following an altercation at a bar in which a man was stabbed and he was charged with recklessly endangering safety, carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct must have given Fallon a second thought. In his defense, he denies stabbing the man and has pleaded not guilty to all charges. In Fallon’s defense, sex tape Screech doesn’t need to be filling anyone’s late-night TV viewing………

Chicago Cubs v. the little guy, Kasabian v. One Direction and new-age criminals v. technology

- If only all weddings were so compelling. The nuptials in India were scheduled to go down between Jugal Kishore of Moradabad and his bride-to-be, Indira, from Rampur. They key word there is scheduled, because when they day was done, Indira was married, but not to Kishore. No, in a shocking plot twist worthy of the worst romantic comedy, the bride elected to ditch her betrothed and instead marry a guest on her big day after the groom had a seizure during the ceremony. That seems like an especially d-baggish thing to do to a man who’s already suffering physically, especially because the groom was unconscious at the time. The story unfolded thusly: As Kishore was preparing to garland his bride and extended his arms, he had an epileptic fit and fell to the ground in front of the gathering. At that point, Indira snapped, incensed that she and her family were not told about Kishore's medical condition. In a stone-cold move, she immediately announced that she would marry a guest at the wedding instead. The guest, playing the role of Indian James Dean, was clad only in jeans and a leather jacket and after being initially stunned by the request, he agreed  and the ceremony continued. A short time later, Kishore received medical treatment from a doctor and returned to the wedding. He pleaded with Indira to change her mind, but she shot him down and a badass brawl broke out, with spoons, plates and dishes were used as weapons. Several people were detained in the brawl and Kishore’s family later filed a police report, but withdrew it after “amicably” resolving the matter with the bride’s family. This is definitely a new twist on being left at the altar, mostly because when the bride bolts a typical ceremony, the groom is at least conscious and upright……….

- Kasabian have become the British version of Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney. In other words, they feel like it’s always the time and place for them to comment on any musical topic and that there is no subject within the industry that falls outside their purview. Serge Pizzorno is the most frequent Kasabian commenter, but don’t sleep on frontman Tom Meighan, who was asked about fellow British recording artists and noted man-band hacks One Direction, who have clearly sold many more albums and made much more money that Kasabian ever will despite Kasabian being what many would call an actual band with actual musical talent. The good news is that Meighan is in no way bitter or angry that five no-talent hacks who have the good fortune of being physically attractive to the ladies while also being able to dance in unison and do a good job lip-syncing along to unimaginative pop garbage that someone else writes for them. No, he merely denounced the One Directioners as  "five no-ones who won the lottery.” It’s an apt description, but Meighan wasn’t done. No, he was a long way from done and had plenty more to say. “"They're f*cking millionaires but they're five no-ones who won the lottery,” Meighan continued. “They're massive, but they're a product, we're not. They're like shampoo. You buy it to put in your hair and wash it out, like the Spice Girls." Comparing One Direction to either entity is a bit insulting, mostly because shampoo is actually quite nice and useful, unlike your average One Direction song. Oh, and Baby Spice and Ginger Spice would like an apology for Meighan sullying their names as well……….

- It’s a new breed of criminals out there. No, not because there are so many more tools and assets available to evildoers these days, tools that allow they to evade security systems and overcome any attempts to slow their roll. In fact, it’s more a case of criminals back in the day stealing something and actually, ya know, trying to get their newly (and illegally) acquired item away from the scene of the crime as fast as possible without stopping for any reason. That’s not how new-age thieves like Houston teen Kenneth Davis roll. No, Davis is a millennial and like virtually everyone his age, he’s big into social media. So big, in fact, that he decided that mid-car theft was a perfectly suitable place to incorporate some Instagram sizzle into his flow. Davis is charged with unauthorized use of a motor vehicle and burglary of a motor vehicle after La Porte police tried to pull over three pickup trucks driving without their lights on, causing Davis and another driver to flee. One of the trucks was quickly tracked down after the thief abandoned it and from there, the case unraveled quickly. The abandoned car still had Davis’ phone inside that that phone featured a video of him driving the vehicle and singing along to the Drake song "How Bout Now." Getting that video mid-theft is both impressive and impressively moronic, especially because the phone also linked him to other car thefts. There is no guarantee that he would have gotten away if he’d foregone the video or simply remembered to take his phone with him when he fled, but social media is clearly a hazard to one and all, be they a criminal or just an average citizen trying to successfully navigate the world of Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram and YouTube………

- Score one for the corporate titan. In the battle ‘twixt professional sports franchise and average fan trying to gravy-train free or discounted viewing of said franchise’s contests, U.S. District Court Judge Virginia M. Kendall has ruled in favor of the big guy. Kendall, in a decision announced at Everett M. Dirksen U.S. Courthouse, denied a temporary restraining order petition on a video board and additional signage planned for the right field bleachers at Wrigley Field, dealing a major blow to a group of investors who own two rooftop clubs along Sheffield Ave., adjacent to the iconic park. The judge ruled that the temporary restraining order wasn’t needed because attorneys for the investors failed to how that "irreparable harm" would come to the businesses before an "expedited" preliminary injunction hearing. That hearing will take place on March and will determine whether or not the Cubs are allowed to erect a 2,250-square-foot video board along other signage that would block the views from the rooftops in question. It will be a modern touch for a venue that has lagged behind the times for years, even if the moochers who have turned property near the stadium into their chance to watch games they otherwise couldn’t see without buying, you know, actual tickets to the game. The team hailed the decision and thanked the judge for expediting the process ahead of Opening Day on April 5. It’s worth noting that the investors were not asking for construction on the bleachers, the first phase of the ballpark's $375 million renovation, to be halted -- just the erection of the video board and signs. Their attorneys argued that the view-blocking video board and signage goes against the language in the 20-year contract the Cubs and the rooftops signed in 2004. That deal allows for government-approved expansion, but the fans are calling this an addition. Expect this brawl to keep intensifying for another month, at which point money and progress will win out over the little guy……….

Rich German Catholic peeps, class warfare in rock and roll and more soccer racism - again

- Remember yesterday, when this space tackled the latest incident of soccer and racism, linked together once more? This isn’t a carbon copy, just another instance of the world’s sport showing the world’s bigotry and small-mindedness when it comes to treating people of other races like they’re actual people. It comes from Paris, where the first leg of a Champions League matchup between Chelsea and Paris Saint-Germain took place and ended as most soccer games do, without an actual winner or with more than two goals scored. Yet the 1-1 tie wasn’t the story, partially because there is a second game to come in the series that will theoretically decide an actual winner but mostly because Chelsea fans on their way to the game decided to channel their inner hatemonger aboard a Metro train at the Richelieu-Drouot station in the French capital. Footage popped up shortly after the game showing what appears to be a group of Chelsea fans travelling to the Parc des Princes for the game blocking a black man from boarding the train and compounding their hateful stupidity by chanting, "We're racist and that's the way we like it." Points for self-awareness and honesty, you ass clowns, but that’s about it. Police are working to confirm that those responsible for the incident were Chelsea fans and officials from both countries are attempting to identify those involved in cooperation with the Metropolitan Police. Chelsea released a statement condemning the incident and vowing to take action if its fans were involved, which will undoubtedly be a scathing and punitive punishment that will teach these racists how to tolerate and appreciate their fellow man regardless of the color of his skin……..

- Drunken idiots help fellow drunken idiots out. It’s how the world works. It’s how many of them find each other in the first place, stumbling drunkenly through life and needing someone to make sure they don’t end up falling in front of a moving vehcile or off a cliff. It might even be how New Jersey residents Bryan Byers and Alexander Zambenedetti met. It’s certainly how the two of them ended up with matching drunk driving charges and one of the most asinine stories imaginable to go with them. The tale begins with an allegedly drunk Byers trying to traverse a wintry road in his inebriated state, barreling right through a stop sign and blasting into a guardrail, doing damage to both stationary objects and to his BMW. Despite being intoxicated, he was thinking clearly enough to call a friend for help – because you clearly can't call the cops when you’re driving drunk and just committed multiple infractions behind the wheel – and soon enough, his pal Zambenedetti arrived in his own car and went to work. What did Zambenedetti do? Did he bring a third friend to drive Byers home, at least avoding putting anyone else in danger with a drunk on the road? Of course not. No, Zambenedetti showed up shirtless despite a wind chill of 15 below zero and proceeded to deliver two 5-gallon buckets of water to his friend so they could pour the water on the freezing road to create black ice trying to cover up his drunken car crash. An officer saw Zambenedetti with two buckets of water in the back set at 2:45 a.m. and these two criminal masterminds caved quickly when questioned by police. Byers was arrested and charged with drunken driving and other offenses and Zambenedetti was also charged with drunken driving. "I've seen a lot of dumb stuff," police Sgt. Dennis Proctor said. “But not this dumb." No, not when an officer also spotted Byers fleeing the scene before returning to cover up the accident and leaving his car’s license plate lying in the road………..

- Class warfare in rock and roll is not a new notion. So when The Cribs' Ryan Jarman said  "there's no way out for the working class" in music and claimed that the industry has become "a vanity project,” no new ground was broken. Still, any time someone was to blast the current state of a world ruled by the likes of Taylor Swift, Beyonce and Katy Perry, it’s worth hearing them out. Mix in a good conspiracy theory and you’re off and running. "I feel like at the minute, people see it as everything being pop and dance music at the moment, so there is definitely something," Jarman said. “"I wouldn't call it a conspiracy but we are told, 'This is popular,' and that's what you need to be part of to be down with the kids. That's the most important thing to the grown ups, that's the number one goal." Nothing says conspiracy theory quite like saying you’re not suggesting a conspiracy, but Jarman wasn’t done. He went on the attack about class distinctions within music, speaking as if he were talking about the caste system in India. "I'm not that sure what's going on as far as guitar bands are concerned, but Serge (Pizzorno) was talking about 'working class' rock n' roll bands and there's definitely a point where there's a lack of that anyway,” Jarman added, alluding to comments by Kasabian guitarist Serge Pizzorno. Jarman recalled being young, working a crappy job and then going to rehearse all night with his band, dreaming of “getting a record deal (as) this dream to take you away from that crappy job - it was seen as your way out. Jarman sees a musical landscape now where the hungry, aspiring rocker looking for a way out of a low-end life is gone and many of those in the game are already well-off before they sign their first record deal. It’s an interesting theory and one that sounds very much like a member of a moderately successful British indie rock band lashing out at pop hacks who make a lot more money and are much more famous despite having little or no discernable musical talent, but that doesn’t make Jarman wrong……..

- It’s nice to be the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Cologne, Germany. Aside from living in a pretty sweet city in a solid country with outstanding beer, epic sausage and top-notch soccer, you also have an incredible war chest that makes you the envy of virtually every other diocese in the world. The diocese has finally revealed the full extent of its wealth to the world for the first time in the wake of criticism of Germany's Catholic Church for the former bishop of Limburg's lavish spending, prompting his peers in Cologne to post documents on their website showing off just how deep their pockets are. The documents show Germany's richest archdiocese had assets of 3.35 billion euros ($3.82 billion) at the end of 2013 and their holdings are diverse. About  2.4 billion euros were invested in stocks, funds and company holdings, while another  646 million euros were held in tangible assets, mostly property. Mix in cash reserves and outstanding loans, which total about 287 million euros, and you begin to see just how much these robe-wearing church leaders are swimming in piles of gold – both literal and figurative – and how those diamond-encrusted slippers have to make them feel at the end of a long, hard day of shepherding the faithful. In 2013 alone, the archdiocese received 573 million euros from church taxes paid by the 2 million Catholics living in the region around Cologne, famous for its Gothic cathedral. In Europe, people of a particular faith pay taxes to their religion, making the declaration that you don’t follow any religion at all a popular one. It’s good to know that in Cologne, the money is going to those who don’t already have a ton of it and need it badly………

Emile Hirsch's rage, Cypress Hill: Professional pot farmers and soccer still tied to racism

- When looking to make a case for police brutality, it’s best not to cut out the middleman. So learned Lucerne, California resident Aleksander Robin Tomaszewski through a disappointing and unproductive encounter with Lane County Sheriff’s Department deputies. According to Lane County authorities, Tomaszewski was brought in for questioning on a case that's under investigation. This is clearly a man with some self-hate issues and possibly a mental illness or two because unlike most suspects trying to get over on the cops, he didn’t immediately lawyer up or even invoke his right against self-incrimination. No, this genius instead went Manny Pacquiao on himself, beating the hell out of himself in what turned out to be an ill-reasoned attempt to get over on police with a case of police brutality. According to police, Tomaszewski punched himself in the face and then signed an assault complaint against detectives, not realizing that when a person is sitting in an interrogation room and there’s that black box thingy high on the wall with what looks like a lens on the front of it, that tends to be what we know as a camera. The camera captured footage of Tomaszewski hitting himself, leaving two black eyes. When presented with the evidence that he was a self-abusing idiot and a pretty terrible con man, he told investigators he hoped filing a complaint would get him released. Instead, he was charged with initiating a false report and attempted coercion and after being convicted, he was sentenced to 20 days in jail and fined $500. Maybe while he’s behind bars he can find someone willing to assault him for real………

- Racism and soccer…they go together like rancid peanut butter and way-past-due grape jelly on a couple slices of moldy bread. Whether it’s bigoted fans chanting racial slurs at black players, hatemongers throwing objects on the field at players of a different race or ugly stereotypes being carried on ages past when they were laid down by every reasonably decent person in the world, soccer knows how to keep the hate alive like no other sports. It’s definitely alive and well in Italy, where coaching legend Arrigo Sacchi decided to enlighten the world to the real problem plaguing his country’s underperforming national team. As with all racists, he made sure he tried to preempt the guaranteed outrage over his bigoted views by insisting that he is not, in fact, a racist. "I'm certainly not racist and my history as a coach proves that, starting from [Frank] Rijkaard," Sacchi said at an awards ceremony. "But looking at the Viareggio tournament I feel like saying that there are too many black players, even in the youth teams.” Oh, you’re not a racist, you just think there should be fewer players of one particular race on the team because they’re making the team weaker. That’s not racist at all. "Italy has no dignity, no pride. It's not possible that our teams should have 15 foreign players in the squad,” Sacchi added. The tournament of which he speaks is a prestigious international youth competition held annually in Viareggio, Tuscany. Apparently, it would be a lot better if only Italians played in it. Of course, the former AC Milan coach tried to double back on his comments and hide behind the always popular “taken out of context” excuse. "I've been misinterpreted, you think I'm really racist? All I said was I saw a game featuring a team who fielded four colored players," Sacchi added. “My history speaks for itself. Sorry, Arrigo. No one who uses the words “colored players” in 2015 qualifies as a racist in any corner of the globe………

- There was just no way to see this one coming. For as long as they have existed, Southern California rappers Cypress Hill have been about good, clean fun and they’ve enjoyed rapping about such diverse topics as air travel and hot air balloon rides. Don’t believe it? How else do you explain their 1995 hit “I Wanna Get High (So High)” and its deep, soul-searching lyrics? If that song isn't about climbing into the gondola of a hot air balloon and soaring through a summer sky, then what is it about? That’s what makes it all the more perplexing that Cypress Hill member B-Real is set to open a medical marijuana dispensary in Orange County. Somehow, B-Real – real name Louis Freese – was one of six applicants out of 630 granted the right to open his own ganja business in the area. "I definitely want it to be eye candy, eye-popping, eye-catching, an experience. We want it to be a place where you can come get quality meds responsibly and all that stuff, but we want it to be an experience as well,” Freese said of his new business. As for the idea that he might use his celebrity and skills on the mic to draw in stoners, he was open to the notion. “If we could lay it out properly to where the city is okay with that, sure. Or if there's enough room within the complex that we're operating out of, yeah,” Freese said. “That's not something that would be foreign to us because we have the ability to put that on. We have the experience and we have the right people in place to make that happen." Perhaps with the most fortuitous timing ever, B-Real just happens to have a new album he dropped under the stage name Dr. Greenthumb and it will feature a guest spot from noted chron aficionado Snoop Dogg. A new Cypress Hill album is due out later this year and when the fellas need to score some quality herb to chill out and celebrate their newest release, they know where to find it………..

- What comes to mind when you think about the Sundance Film Festival? A bunch of wannabe Steven Spielbergs and Francis Ford Coppolas selling their indie film like nobody’s business, the occasional A-lister popping in and enjoying a lavish studio after party….and an accomplished actor channeling his inner Ray Rice on a female studio executive for reasons that remain unclear but probably involve massive quantities of alcohol. Enter Emile Hirsch, who went to Sundance for the premiere of "Ten Thousands Saints," in which he stars with Ethan Hawke, but left with an open invitation from local law enforcement to return on March 16 for his court appearance in an alleged assault on Paramount executive Daniele Bernfeld. Hirsh is staring down charges of felony aggravated assault and intoxication, prosecuting attorney Ryan Stack of the Summit County (Utah) Attorney's Office said. The incident in question allegedly occurred at TAO nightclub in Park City during the 2015 Sundance Film Festival in January and took place in the early morning hours. Court documents have Hirsch reportedly locking Bernfeld into a chokehold so forceful that she "couldn't breathe," causing her to black out. A couple of fellow clubbers pulled Hirsch off of Bernfeld before police arrived and officers found some redness around Bernfeld's neck. The sh*t went sideways after Hirsch allegedly confronted Bernfeld, calling her a "rich kid" and questioning why she looked "so tough." He admitted to the altercation and told police he’d had three or four drinks that evening, which in lush language means six or seven. That seems to be Hirsch’s new story, as his attorney Robert Offer now claims his client consumed an "enormous amount of alcohol that night" and has since checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation facility. Oh, and Hirsh now claims to remember nothing about that night, which might actually be true given how hammered he seems to have been……….