- Let no one say that the spirit of teamwork and camaraderie is dead in the Penn State football program. When you hear a story like the one involving suspended wide receiver Chris Bell and one of his teammates, it becomes infinitely clear that Joe Paterno is still running a program where the family atmosphere is alive and well. Because what family hasn’t had one of its members was jailed night after a reported altercation at the dining room table that started over something as small as a cell phone case? And whose heart isn’t warmed when they hear how Penn State assistant coaches had to restrain Bell who, police said, was making threats with a foot-long knife? As the story goes, Bell was already suspended from the team for other disciplinary issues, but he was still around enough to start this brawl. Police were called to the Pollock Commons dining area at 6:30 p.m. Monday, at which time Bell was accused of threatening a teammate, Devon Still, with a knife after a conversation between the two over supposedly stolen property that included a cell phone case. Instead of taking it to the coaches or to the police (who ended up involved anyhow), Bell was restrained by the assistant coaches as he reportedly shouted “I have more knives and a gun up here.” Yeah, I think one foot-long knife is plenty, amigo. But that’s a great thing to yell in a crowded dining hall, that you’ve got a stockpile of guns and knives handy. Hard to imagine why things haven’t worked out for you in college, my man. You seem like you’ve really got your act together. Personally, if I’m in the same boat as Bell and was suspended from the team in February, I’m laying low, doing all the right things and trying to get back in the good graces of the coaching staff. All of the right things would include going to class, getting good grades, staying out of trouble and getting along with teammates. It would not include threatening to go O.J. Simpson on a teammate if he didn’t give back items I felt he had stolen from me. Hope you enjoyed your football career, Chris, because it’s now over.
- What exactly is the sentence for assault by hedgehog? That’s something William Singalargh of Whakatane, New Zealand will soon be finding out. Mr. Singalargh had a problem with a 15-year-old boy in his neighborhood and when the kid pissed him off on Feb. 9, Singalargh sprung into action. He picked up the nearest hedgehog (and really, who doesn’t have a hedgehog handy for just this kind of situation?) and hurled it at the boy, leaving cuts and welts on the boy’s leg and earning Singalargh a trip to the local jail. Police weren’t immediately able to determine whether the animal was dead or alive at the time of the attack, but if it was alive, bonus points to Singalargh for having the kahones to pick up and throw a live hedgehog. I just hope it wasn’t everyone’s favorite hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog. Although using a wild animal is an unconventional tactic, Singalargh has been charged with assault with a weapon, just like any other Neanderthal who assaults another person. No word on whether Willy Singalargh has a permit to carry a hedgehog, but even if he does he may want to consider holstering his wild creatures from now on.
- I didn’t specifically need or request another reason not to watch the TLC network, but I have one nonetheless. That reason can be summed up in five words: Joey Fatone and Melanie Brown. Yes, TLC has decided to rip people from two of the worst musical acts of all time, O-Men Backtown Boys of Sync, or whatever the hell Fatone’s former collection of man-banders was called, along with Brown, a.k.a. Skanky Spice (wait, that would be a good description of any one of the Spice Girls….) from the Spice Girls, the lip-syncing hacks from Britain who brought us an endless supply of hits like….um…uh….never mind. TLC will now combine the atrocious musical forces of Fatone and Brown in a new show, titled The Singing Office. In this train wreck in the making, Brown and Fatone will go to ”randomly” selected workplaces, hold vocal auditions and pick the five best singers from each locale. Each show will take the quintets from two workplaces, train them to do a song-and-dance routine and have them compete in front of prisoners from Guantanamo Bay as a torture session for the prisoners….just kidding. While it will be torture to watch this crap, a studio audience will draw the short straw and suffer through it. There are so many things wrong with this show that I can’t even know where to begin…other than the sheer absurdity of a Spice Girl and former man-bander trying to teach anyone how to sing. It’s like Rosie O’Donnell having her own reality show that teaches fat people how to lose weight. Next…..
- Score one for the commoners in Manhattan, a place where the little guys tends to get stepped on more often than not. This week, state lawmakers in New York rejected a plan that would have imposed an extra fee on drivers entering New York City. The alleged intent of the plan was to reduce traffic and curb pollution, two things politicians are infinitely concerned with……if by reducing traffic and curbing pollution you mean lining their pockets with a few extra dollars. The decision to abandon the plan came after a survey of Democratic Assembly members in a private conference. An additional bummer for the state legislators in New York is that they won't have the chance to misspend and divert the $354 million in federal funding they had been promised if they had enacted this new program. Guess they’ll have to find another way to extort dollars out of their citizens, er, help reduce traffic and pollution in NYC….
- A word of advice to all you wacky German food-court patrons out there: I understand the impulse to chuck a half-eaten kebob at someone, but not everyone is so understanding of the desire to assault via skewer. A court in Munich may have rejected the demand of a food court worker that a patron pay her damages after throwing a half-eaten kabob at her following a dispute over the customer’s request for a refund. The incident took place in June at a shopping center in Munich, where the customer asked for his money back, was told no and allegedly called the employee “a fat cow” and then attempted to dot her with the skewer. She avoided the impact but still wanted at least $390 in damages. The court turned her down, saying she failed to prove her claim. Even if she had, in the court’s opinion she still would not hsve been entitled to any damages. Being the intended target of a projectile kabob does not constitute “a serious violation….of human dignity and honor.” I completely agree with the court on this one. Get over it, lady. Getting a kabob thrown atyou is just comical, especially if it didn’t actually hit you. It’s a funny story to tell, not a reason to sue. And if you really are a fat, chubby individual, then this guy did you a favor by pointing it out and providing some motivation to thin yourself up a bit….
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