- This would not be happening if you would just heed my oh, so prescient advice, CBS. From the instant I first heard about your moronic new reality show Secret Talents of the Stars, I ripped it and declared it to be one of the worst ideas in the history of broadcasting. Had you simply listened to what I had to say and pulled the show immediately, you would not have had to suffer through the excruciatingly low ratings the program received in its first and only night on the air. Yup, the show was so scarcely viewed that CBS made the rare decision to yank it after only one episode, allowing S.T.O.T.S. to join other television luminaries such as NBC’s quarterlife and Fox’s Anchorwoman as recent programs to be canceled after one episode. CBS will now counter with an upgrade (which almost goes without saying, because almost nothing outside of American Karaoke wouldn’t be an upgrade) of 48 Hours Mystery for the next two weeks on Tuesday nights, followed by a lineup of NCIS, The Unit and Shark. Both NCIS and Shark will have new episodes beginning April 29, but The Unit will be reruns as the show didn’t go back into production following the f’ing writers’ strike. So in closing, I’d like to plead with all of the networks out there to please, please, please listen to me when I tell you how terrible your new reality shows are, that way you can avoid having the proverbial egg on your face that CBS now has. You’re welcome….
- What I wouldn’t give to have been able to hear the conversation when Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy asked Joe Simpson for permission to marry his youngest daughter Ashlee. No, not because I think Joe raked Pete over the coals and made him sweat. I’m more interested to know if Joe made the same kind of comments about Ashlee that he made about his other daughter Jessica. You know the ones I’m talking about: the comments where Joe marveled at the size of Jessica’s rack and talked openly and disturbingly about how big her chest is (Google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about). So I want to know if when Wentz asked for permission to marry Ashlee, Joe’s reply was, “I don’t blame you man. Have you seen her rack? It’s fantastic, you just can’t help but look at it!” Hopefully for Wentz, Joe isn’t nearly as overbearing and controlling as a father-in-law as he is in managing his daughters’ careers. Best of luck to you there, Pete, because I have a feeling you’ll need it.
- Few things in life are as much fun as a no-holds-barred, reason-out-the-window fights between guys trying to one-up each other. Last night’s episode of Greek was a great example of what guys can do when we band together, revert to our most childish behavior and go nuts. With the rivalry between Omega Chi and Kappa Tau still on full throttle, it was time to step things up a notch. The Kappa Taus fired the first shot, getting retribution for Omega Chi ratting out the secret KT-Zeta Beta prohibition party by stealing the Omega Chi fraternity portrait and defacing it with markers. On a brief side note…this led to the return of one of my favorite running jokes on the show…yes, the “Past Majors of Cappie” gag. This week, we learned that among Cappie’s many past majors is photography. I honestly don’t know how many the count is up to, but it has to be in double digits by now….but I digress. Omega Chi’s retribution was storming the Kappa Tau house and dousing the Taus with fish oil and hot sauce dispensed via water gun while taking back the portrait. When Rusty tried to step in and mediate the dispute by visiting the Omega Chi house on behalf of KT, he was summarily seized by the Omega Chi’s and duct taped to a wall in the main quad on campus. Inspired by that prank and also by the book Animal Farm, which he was reading for a class, Rusty comes up with the perfect idea for retribution against Omega Chi. Rusty and his KT brothers let dozens of farm animals, including a cow, goats and chickens, loose inside the Omega Chi house. The result is both fraternities agreeing to lay low and stop the hostilities for the time being, lest they pop up on Dean Bowman’s disciplinary radar and find themselves in danger of getting booted from the Greek system. Speaking of getting the boot….nice to see that one-dimensional Dale, the religious fanatic, wasn’t on this week’s episode. Again, Clark Duke is a good actor and if the writers would give him a little depth, he’d be a lot better addition to the show. Also getting the boot this week, finally, was Lizzie, the über-annoying, perky and rule-abiding representative from Zeta Beta Zeta’s national chapter who has been raining on the ZBZ sisters’ parade all semester by forcing them to dress and act like prudes and enforcing rules on parties, boys and booze far too strictly. Lizzie reveals to ZBZ president Casey that she will leave and allow the sorority to regain its independence if Casey and the sisters agree to welcome expelled president Frannie back to the sorority despite her abandoning them and treating them like crap before leaving last semester. Casey struggles to accept back the girl who not only abandoned her sisters but also broke up Casey and her ex, Evan Chambers, but with some urging from Lizzie and from her sisters, who just want Lizzie to leave, Casey comes around. She does use a loophole in the ZBZ rules to immediately place Frannie on probation and thus bar her from living in the ZBZ house for the time being, so everyone wins….for now. That’s it and that’s all for this week’s episode, so until next week…..
- I’m not a huge NBA fan, so my thoughts and opinions on the Association aren’t nearly as strong or frequent as my thoughts on the best brand of basketball, college hoops. That being said, I’m going to go out on a limb and predict the outcome of one first-round series in the upcoming NBA playoffs. The Cleveland Cavaliers are going to lose to whomever they play in the opening round, most likely the Washington Wizards. I don’t really think the Wiz are a good team, nor do I think they have a snowball in hell’s chance to win beyond the first round. What I do believe is that the Cavs are gong to be the most utterly crap-tacular No. 4 seed in NBA playoff history. Here’s a team that made a three-team, 12-player trade in February to allegedly get better and has gone dead fish ever since. They brought in no-offense-having slugs like Ben Wallace, alleged great shooters who can’t locate the basket with a map, compass, GPS and radar like Wally Sczerbiak and traded away guys who were better in Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden. They’ve gotten the sh*t kicked out of them by inferior teams like the Chicago Bulls and Milwaukee Bucks as they tried to wrap up the fourth seed and homecourt advantage in the first round. The Wizards have been playing good basketball, getting star guard Gilbert Arenas back. The Cavs have been getting bitch-slapped around the court by terrible teams and sinking back to the .500 mark. The Prince, LeBron James (you gotta earn it if you wanna be called the King, L.) has failed to carry his team to anything but mediocrity the past few weeks despite continuing to lead the NBA in scoring. Even Sunday, with the worst team in the NBA, the Miami Heat, in town, the Cavs struggled to win and had to fight ‘til the bitter end to secure an 84-76 victory against a team that came in with a 14-65 record and with its top three players out for the season. So when the Cavs are sent packing in about two weeks and everyone is surprised, remember that you heard it here first and loudest….
- While some might argue that being forced to listen to Matchbox Twenty is the greatest cruelty of all, I still give Rob Thomas and Co. a lot of credit for canceling a scheduled show at the Cheyenne (Wyo.) Frontier Days rodeo and western celebration because of what Thomas calls “being in the position of making money from the mistreatment of animals.” In other words, mistreating fans by subjecting them to gawd-awful mainstream pop-rock, yes. Mistreating bulls and calves by subjecting them to participation in a rodeo, no. Despite my avoidance of Matchbox Twenty music, I’m 100 percent behind the guys on this one. If you’ve ever seen a rodeo and watched these jerks ride out on horses, bust out their lassoes and tie up a helpless little lamb, then you know why so many people have a problem with it. Thomas and his wife are part of a charitable organization that advocates on behalf of both homeless individuals and also mistreated and abused animals, so it’s predictable that they would have a problem with performing at a rodeo. Honsetly, I don’t know how the band ever agreed to this gig in the first place, knowing where Thomas stands on these sorts of issues. Matchbox Twenty follows the example of another crappy musician, former American Karaoke¬-er Carrie Underwood, who also pulled out of performing at the same event in 2006 after pressure from local animal rights groups. Memo to Cheyenne residents: if you all want to go back in time and take part in bass-ackwards festivals where animals are abused, then that’s a problem and a lot of people are going to take issue with what you‘re doing. If and when you decide to join the rest of us in the 21st century, we’ll welcome you with open arms.
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