- Of all the possible results from the Pennsylvania presidential primary, this is the second-worst of all possibilities. The absolute worst would have been for Hank Clinton to crush Barack Obama by such a wide margin that she actually closed the delegate gap enough to have a chance to win this election. That didn’t happen, as Obama was able to do enough in the Keystone State to keep himself on a smooth, straight path to the Democratic nomination. However, Hank’s win in Pa. was by enough of a margin that political analysts are now predicting that the race between the two candidates will forge on for another few weeks at the very least. I’m disappointed in you, Pennsylvanians, because America was counting on you and you let us down. Now North Carolina, Kentucky, Indiana, Guam and Puerto Rico are left to clean up your mess. You couldn’t strike the death blow to Hank’s campaign, so now others have to do it for you. Don’t forget, Hank is like the mythical hydra, a creature that keeps sprouting new heads when you lop off their current one. Hank is that dragon-like beast, the one that will not die despite being so horrifying that everyone wants it dead. The final margin in Pennsylvania will be around 10 percent, give or take a few votes, when all of the ballots are counted. Thanks for nothing, Pennsylvania, you all are about as worthless as the voters in my own home state of Ohio.
- Isn’t it ironic that people who play the “Do you know who I am?” card always seem to be forgetting who they really are? Take Indianapolis Colts running back Kenton Keith as a prime example of this trend. My man K. Keith was getting after it at an Indy nightclub recently and when things started to wind down, he decided that hanging out in the parking lot was a good idea. Right, because nothing bad ever happens late at night in clubs and club parking lots, especially when athletes are involved. No one ever gets shot, Tasered, arrested or assaulted in these situations, right? Either that or one or more of those things happen pretty much every weekend. So it turned out for Keith, who was around when the cops showed up to deal with a disturbance. Keith did what I’m sure any of us would have done…yup, he busted out his cell phone and started taking video of the cops as they came in his direction. When he became belligerent and unruly, the cops clamped down on him and that’s when he went to the “Do you know who I am?” play. He was heard yelling, “I’m a Colts player! I’m a Colts player!” Actually bro, you’re a backup running back, that’s what you are. You’re not Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison or even Dallas Clark. Of course, none of those guys are big enough idiots to be out at clubs at that time of night and hassling the cops while they’re at it. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why those guys have been so successful in the NFL and why you’re merely a second stringer. Why don’t you try emulating your more successful teammates and stop trying to get YouTube footage of cops arresting you and your buddies, amigo? I may not be an NFLer like you, but I’m 100 percent sure that if you follow those guidelines it will improve your career significantly while simultaneously curbing your chances of getting arrested, win-win.
- Why is it that the really cool, innovative businesses never are located in my area? Why is it that business innovators like Aaron Massey live in places like Fort Smith, Ark. and not in my town? What makes Massey such a business revolutionary? Because he took what seemed like an ordinary drive-thru window at a seemingly ordinary Pizza Hut restaurant and turned it into a place where the stoners of his community could come to buy their pot, that’s why. Some rat fink tipped police off to Massey’s operation and they went to the restaurant and found six ounces of the hippie lettuce and a scale in the manager’s office. Massey has been charged with possession of marijuana with intent to distribute. Maybe I’m just being difficult, but I think we should leave him alone and allow him to experiment with this a bit. I mean, who wouldn’t love a weed-and-cheese pizza with a sprinkling of parmesan cheese over the top? Instead of baking cheese into the crust, why not bake something into the crust that would in turn allow the eater to also get baked? Sorry the small-minded, conservative, law-abiding people of your town don’t appreciate your business ingenuity, A. Massey, it’s a loss for all of us.
- Never did I think that I would actually consider the traditional definition of cruelty to animals to be an improvement over anything, but I have to reconsider that stance because of this next story. While hurting animals in any way, shape or form is offensive, awful and reprehensible, a person hitting, kicking or otherwise assaulting an animal is still not quite as sick and perverted as the actions of Burlington County (N.J.) police officer Robert Melia Jr., who has been charged with four counts of animal cruelty after allegedly engaging in sex acts with cows between June and December of 2006. Yup, dude was having sex with farm animals. Thankfully the graphic details haven’t been made public, but does anyone really need to hear anything beyond the words “sex acts with cows”? Didn’t think so. Of course, this isn’t Melia’s only problem when it comes to sexually assaulting others. He and his former girlfriend, Heather Lewis, were previously charged with three counts of aggravated sexual assault and one count of criminal sexual contact with three girls in his home from 2003 until 2006. Just as I said with traditional cruelty to animals, never has sexual assault on human beings seemed like a less disgusting alterative to anything like it does here. Is there anything or anyone this freak job won’t rape? Young girls, farm animals…is nothing safe? Melia is being held on $510,000 bail, but that’s not nearly enough. Sick puds like this guy need to be in prison for a long time so they can find out what it’s like to be on the other end of the assaulting, if you catch my drift. You make me (and everyone else with a soul) sick, Melia, you freak….
- Apparently the Cincinnati Bengals are confident that Chad Johnson will cave in and relent on his trade demands. Either that or they are so fed up with him that they’re prepared to play next season without Ocho Cinco, because the fact that they rejected a trade offer from the Washington Redskins that could have netted the Bengals two first-round draft picks speaks volumes about the team’s stance on this issue. Even for a great receiver like O.C., two first round picks is a good haul. You could fill a big need with an extra first-round pick each of the next two years, especially for a mediocre, perennially underachieving team like the Bengals. The Redskins offered their first-round pick, No. 21 overall, and a conditional third-rounder in 2009 that could escalate to a first rounder if Johnson and the Redskins hit certain performance levels, sources said. All along, the team had been adamant that they won’t capitulate to the trade demands and that if Johnson plays in 2008, it will be for them. Head coach Marvin Lewis piled on O.C. after the rejection of the trade became public, saying Ocho Cinco was “a man of his word” and since he promised to sit out if the Bengals didn’t deal him, he should follow through and sit out the season. The Redskins aren’t the only teams pursuing a trade for the disgruntled wideout, with their NFC East rivals, the Dallas Cowboys and Philadelphia Eagles also making a bid for O.C. However, these teams have been informed by Cincinnati that there has been no change in the team's position that Johnson will not be traded. Personally I think the Bengals are doing the right thing, because for too long they’ve let their players run amok, which has included repeated brushes with the law, substance abuse and other misconduct that has embarrassed the franchise and the city. While Ocho Cinco hasn’t done anything along those lines, his act is just a different slant on the “me first” mentality that has made the Bengals into an NFL punch line. The team needs to take a stand at some point and demand that guys show character and a commitment to the team rather than a commitment exclusively to themselves and their self-interests. Trading Johnson also would mean Cincinnati would take an $8 million salary-cap hit, but that amount could be split over the next two years. So dig in your heels, Bengals management, and let Ocho Cinco keep throwing his temper tantrum until like all petulant children, he tires himself out and quiets down.
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