- Stoners take heed: your ability to outrun the cops is significantly impaired when you’re so baked that you can’t even keep your eyes open. Cleveland Browns cornerback Kenny Wright found that out the hard way in Pearland, Tex. on Wednesday night. Wright was dumb enough to get into a fight in a police station parking lot and when the cops stepped outside for one of their easiest arrests in a long time, they found the argument taking in the station parking lot involving the 30-year-old football player and another man. At that point, Wright decided that it would be a good idea to try and run from the cops. It’s pretty much a 101 out of 100 thing that fleeing the cops on foot is a bad idea, mostly because they have cars, motorcycles, radios, traffic cameras, etc. to use in tracking fleeing criminals. There are lots of them, only one of you. However, Wright further lowered his odds for success by taking flight while stoned, meaning that it took officers only a few hundred yards to track him down and fell him with a horse collar tackle. They may be illegal in the NFL, but clearly not in Pearland. Kenny Wright may run a 4.5 40-yard dash, but he couldn’t elude the doughnut-loving, love-handled men in blue in this tiny Texas town. He was caught in a nearby subdivision of the Houston suburb in no time flat. On one hand, you can’t be too critical of Wright fleeing the cops because he was definitely high. Just look at his mug shot and you’ll see that he couldn’t even keep his eyes open. It’s one of the worst mug shots I’ve ever seen, a slam-dunk piece of proof that he’s guilty of exactly what he’s been charged with. Show that thing to a judge or jury and you won't need to waste time on a trial. On the other hand, even a stoner should be able to figure out that trying to outrun the cops when you’re on foot and they have access to cars, radio and weapons if need be is a bad idea. Keep this up and you could be the next Pacman Jones or Chris Henry in no time. Wright has been released from jail after posting $5,000 bail and has been charged with unlawful restraint, evading arrest and possessing marijuana. The lesson here, as always, if you have to get baked, make sure you aren’t hanging out in police station parking lot when you’re high.
- In the recent surge of politicians and executives being caught in sex scandals, one group in particular has been left out: spouses. While shamed, disgraced, high-profile politicians and execs have stood at podiums and confessed their indiscretions to the world, their spouses have been compelled to stand dutifully at their sides, watching as the person they promised to love, honor and cherish ‘til death admit that they’ve been getting after it with prostitutes, interns, etc., but no more. The spouses are taking a stand and they’re being led by Thomas Athans, wife of U.S. Sen. Debbie Stabenow, D-Mich. Athans, co-founder of the liberal TalkUSA Radio network, has taken a stand for spouses of public figures everywhere by engaging in a hooker-related sex scandal of his own. Athans didn’t exactly do so willingly, at least not the part of the equation where his hooker banging became public. He did willingly solicit a prostitute, as he admitted to police running a sting operation at a hotel in Troy, Mich. When he showed up to hit it with a lady of the night, the cops stopped him and he admitted to using the Internet to arrange a $150 session with Cinnamon, Ginger, Sadie or whatever the hooker’s name was. Clearly he’s not playing in the same ballpark at Eliot Spitzer, who shelled out $1,000 for the petite, brunette skank of his choice, but that doesn’t make Athans any less of a scumbag. Of course, he has shown that it’s not just the famous part of a power couple that can show terrible judgment and start a sex scandal. So despite you being an admitted adulterer and john, props for striking a blow for spouses of public figures everywhere, Tom.
- Memo to the creators of two upcoming entertainment entities: if your new project causes shudders of horror and revulsion just from viewing previews of your project, that’s a bad sign. If you’ve been paying any attention to your TV at all, you know the two new projects I’m talking about: the movie Baby Mama with Tina Fey and Amy Pohler, and the new CW reality hack job Farmer Wants a Wife. It’s hard to say which of these two repulse me more, but right now I’m going with Baby Mama. Maybe the success of Will Ferrell movies has deluded other Saturday Night Live alums into thinking that they too should make feature films, but movies like Tim Meadows’ Ladies Man and pretty much any movie Jimmy Fallon has ever made should convince them otherwise. Yet here we have Fey and Pohler, foisting a lame, unfunny comedy on us about a woman who has to turn to a surrogate mother to carry her baby. Pohler would be that surrogate mom, and just from seeing the previews of the movie, which should theoretically be the best parts in order to interest potential viewers, the comedy in this train wreck is anything but comedic. Scenes that are supposed to be funny just fall flat because they’re so juvenile and poorly written, and those are the scenes the movie’s producers and execs want you to see so that you’ll be interested enough to buy a ticket to see the whole thing. As for Farmer Wants a Wife….even though this show is going to unequivocally blow, it’s a reality TV show so you expect a crappy network like the CW to come up with a show like this. Memo to CW execs: putting together ten skanks with bleached blond hair, nice racks and an IQ of approximately 80 and mixing in some marginally attractive dude that they’re supposed to fight over doesn’t mean you’ve come up with a great new idea for a show. What it means is that you’re an unoriginal, unimaginative bunch of tools who are looking for a space filler in your spring schedule. I no more want to see ten aspiring actresses, er, candidates for the affection of a “farmer” in various farm-themed challenges than I want to watch a wretched, half-baked “comedy” by two subpar actresses/Saturday Night Live alums. Everyone involved with both of these projects should be absolutely ashamed of themselves, no questions asked.
- Still doubting the low level of intelligence from the bulk of American Internet users? Allow me to present a figure provided by the FBI for the 2007 calendar year as further evidence that there are just a lot of morons out there on the ‘Net. A new report released by our very own FBI reveals that a record-high $240 million was lost in Internet crimes last year. The report states that although the actual number of scams dropped from previous years, the total money lost from those scams went up by nearly $40 million. So if the cadre of nitwits bumping around MySpace wasn’t enough to convince you that some of our dimmest and dumbest are online, this new statistic should push you over the edge. What I really want to know from the FBI is how much of that $240 million was lost in schemes involving a royal fortune inherited by an African prince who needs your help in the form of a $5,000 payment before he can access this multi-million-dollar inheritance that he will then share with those who help him. Take a good, hard look in the mirror, America, and if you’re one of the people who contributed to the $240 million lost in Internet scams in 2007, consider expatriating yourself and moving to Canada.
- Here’s hoping that rumors of contract talks between concert promoter Live Nation Inc. and rap legend/business mogul/NBA owner Jay-Z are true. One of the absolute icons of the hip-hop world, Jay-Z has bounced back and forth between retirement in recent years, but according to confidential sources, he’s negotiating with Live Nation on a deal in the range of 10 years and $150 million. The deal would reportedly give Live Nation a stake in nearly every aspect of Jigga’s career and cover three albums, which would be a great thing for hip-hop fans and for the music world as a whole. Terms of the potential deal are alleged to include $25 million up front, $25 million in advance for concert expenses and $10 million for each of at least three albums. In other words, another decade of tours and albums from Jay-Z, is that any good? I thought so. The deal may also have a provision whereby Live Nation would put up $50 million for a joint venture with Jay-Z called Roc Nation that would have the rapper signing artists and taking part in other entertainment projects. On top of all of this, Jay-Z (real name Sean Carter) still owns his own record label, Def Jam. For a guy who already lives a life of luxury and riches, who is reportedly on the verge of marrying Beyonce Knowles, life is about to get even better for Jay-Z, proving that the rich really do get richer.
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