- Clearly there are a lot more conspiracies out there than I had previously believed to exist. Otherwise, how do you explain the fact that every time a well-known athlete, entertainer, executive or other public figure is caught in an embarrassing scandal, they point the finger at someone else for setting them up and insist that their own actions were not their fault? Count motor racing chief Max Mosley in that category of people who are victims of mysterious and amazing conspiracy theories. On Saturday, Mosley attempted to defend his involvement in a bizarre sex scandal involving five prostitutes, a torture chamber and Nazi-themed role playing by saying he was “the victim of a disgusting conspiracy.” According to Mosley, his actions were “harmless and completely legal.” Disgusting and morally bankrupt, too, but I’m nitpicking. The issue here isn’t whether you broke the law, my man. “Had I been caught driving excessively fast on a public road or over the alcohol limit [even in, say, Sweden where it is very low], I should have resigned the same day,” Mosley wrote. “As it is, a scandal paper obtained by illegal means pictures of something I did in private which, although unacceptable to some people, was harmless and completely legal.” Again, Max, the issue here isn’t how the pics were obtained or if what you did was legal. Those aren’t the criteria for you being fired, amigo. You embarrassed yourself and your organization by showing that you’re a degenerate freak with all sorts of freaky fetishes. It’s not just a few conservative prudes demanding that you resign, either. Formula One's German and Japanese carmakers and some national motorsport federations have called on him to step down. Germany's ADAC issued a statement on Friday advising Mosley “to carefully consider his position.” (Rough translation: Resign now, you sick freak.) But Mosley either doesn’t get it or he just refuses to admit the truth. “The offense seems to be not what I did but the fact that it became public," Mosley wrote in his letter. "But I played no role in this, indeed I did my utmost to ensure it remained private. I was the victim of a disgusting conspiracy. It goes without saying that the so-called Nazi element is pure fabrication. This will become crystal clear when the matter comes to trial. The newspaper invented this in order to spice up their story and introduce my family background. I don't think any of this should affect my work on motoring safety, the environment or the sport,” he continued. Right, other than everyone making jokes about you before you enter a room and after you leave, no one taking you seriously and everyone knowing F1 as the organization with a twisted freak who likes multi-hooker orgies with Nazi themes. You wanting these things to be true doesn’t make them true. There’s photographic evidence here, Max, and I don’t think this Nazi connotation is made up. Has it been magnified a little too much? Maybe. But let’s just say I wouldn’t want you as president of any organization I was a part of and I suspect most people would feel the same way. Spare yourself the time, expense and embarrassment and resign now, because you’re going to do it eventually.
- There are just some people you’re glad to not have living next door to you. Rosie O’Donnell, any current or former American Karaoke contestant, those types of individuals are the ones I’m talking about. Robert Bayliss of Viola, Wis. would also be one of those people, but for a slightly different reason. See, my man R. Bayliss had a bit of a problem with the police last week, which ordinarily wouldn’t be a problem for someone who despises authority figures and law enforcement as much as I do. But Robert Bayliss somehow managed to escalate matters, because when police showed up at his property, Bayliss didn’t just greet them with hostility and contempt. He also greeted them with gunfire. I probably should point out that Robert Bayliss has been known to have “strong anti-government attitudes” and makes no secret of his contempt for those leading our nation. In other words, he’s in the mold of the many separatist, militia groups out there who stockpile weapons, refuse to pay taxes and try to live on American soil without actually operating under the government that runs the United States of America. Unfortunately for Bayliss, he wasn’t nearly as well armed as the cops he engaged, because when he fired on them, they returned fire and dispersed tear gas. Advantage police. Bayliss was forced to surrender after a daylong standoff. Just be glad he doesn’t live in your neighborhood, folks…..
- Jack Bauer isn’t the only one who can land a plane on the freeway. After good ol’ J. Bauer did so in Season Six of 24, you may have thought there would be some imitators trying to mimic their favorite action hero, but alas those pesky FAA regulations and security measures have prevented much of anyone from duplicating the feat. That’s just part of what makes the actions of Matthew Edward Scott so amazing. Let’s start with the fact that Scott is a student pilot, so when his two-engine Cessna 150 ran out of gas while flying in the skies over Abingdon, Va., you had a relatively inexperienced pilot at the controls. The plane’s engines began sputtering and Scott was forced to make a quick decision on where to land. He chose Interstate 81, a highway in western Virginia, and brought his plane down successfully. Not only that, Scott landed right in the flow of traffic, pulled his plane over to the side of the road and called for help. No word on whether some ass-hat cop gave him a ticket for speeding when he touched down, but much respect to this guy for staying cool under pressure and diffusing what could have been a dangerous, deadly situation. Whomever gives out certifications for pilots in the state of Virginia, I think you can go ahead and allow Matthew Edward Scott to bypass any remaining prerequisites to get his license and award it to him right now.
- Why do I hate Billy Packer so much? In short, he’s a pompous, curmudgeon-y ass whose bitterness, grumpiness and bitterness seep through every freaking college basketball broadcast he does. He makes proclamations and decrees like he’s the f’ing emperor of college basketball and never, ever, ever attempts to be funny, entertaining or engaging to the audience. You’re not smarter than I am, Billy, so stop acting like it. A prime example of Emperor Packer’s condescension came Saturday night during the North Carolina-Kansas national semifinal game in San Antonio. Kansas was putting on an absolute clinic, leading by a whopping 38-12 margin just past the midway point of the first half. They were playing well, but with more than half of the game remaining, things were far from over….or were they? According to the Emperor, the game was over right then and there. In the end, Kansas did win, but the game was anything but over. North Carolina rallied in the second half, which is an all-but-guaranteed phenomenon in any basketball game featuring two reasonably competent teams. Many games, one team jumps out to a big lead and the other team always makes a rally, sometimes successful, sometimes not. Ultimately North Carolina fell to Kansas, but not before closing to 69-64 late in the game. An unapologetic Packer simply said North Carolina had made a nice rally, refusing to admit he’d been dead wrong by counting them out of it so early. I’m sure the producers were thrilled to hear him make that proclamation too, because that’s what you want in a massive, high-profile game, to have your announcer declare that it’s over in the first half. And exactly zero credit to Packer’s partner, Jim Nantz, for not having the testicular fortitude to call Packer out for his ludicrous statement. All Nantz could muster was, “Really.” Thanks for that, Jimbo. So I continue my campaign to convince the suits at CBS to quit sticking us with the running nightmare that is Billy Packer doing the Final Four every year. Pick Gus Johnson, Bill Raftery, Verne Lundquist…all great announcer who just happen to work for CBS. Just give Emperor Packer the heave-ho before I’m forced to storm press row at next year’s Final Four and take care of the Emperor myself….
- Know when a band really warms the hearts of music fans and makes us all feed good about the music they put out? When members of that band are still b*tch-fighting over song royalties nearly 40 years after the fact, that’s when. British band Procol Harem, a group most of us have never heard of because they broke up in the early 1970s, wrote one particular song that is still remember today, mostly because of it’s unique title A Whiter Shade of Pale. The song is big with oldies fans, so the record it appears on has sold more than 10 million copies. Of course, that has members of the band seeing one color: green. The band’s front man, Gary Brooker, has appealed a lower court ruling awarding 40 percent of the millions of dollars in royalties from the song to the band’s former organist (and what great rock band doesn’t have an organist in its lineup?) Matthew Fisher, who quit the group in 1969 and is now a computer programmer. Britain’s Court of Appeal agreed that Fisher should be granted co-authorship of the song, but also decided that he had exercised “excessive and inexcusable delay in asserting his claim” to a part of the royalties. Fisher filed suit last year, nearly 40 years after A Whiter Shade of Pale was recorded in 1969. Call me pessimistic, but I don’t see a Procol Harem reunion tour in the works any time soon.
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