- I think we can all agree that churches around America and the world would be better off if men like Phillip Miles were their pastor/leader. Assuming that by better off you mean worse off, of course. Miles, 57, is the pastor of Christ Community Church in Conway, S.C. - for now. He’s been sentenced by a Russian court to three years and two months in prison for smuggling rifle rounds into the country for his hunting partner. When Miles flew into Moscow on Jan. 29, the rounds of ammo were found during his pass through airport security. He was hit with charges of illegal possession and smuggling of ammunition, which is a significant crime in Russia. Nothing like going to Russia to visit a friend and ending up in the slammer for three-plus years. Guess the Christ Community Church in Conway will be looking for a new pastor. It is, after all, tough to present a sermon while locked in the gulag a couple of continents away. Maybe next time you’ll want to select a pastor who is a) not a moron, and b) not subject to criminal tendencies in foreign countries. I’m here if you need any other helpful tips in your search process….
- God bless you, Preston Parker, for keeping the tradition alive in the Florida State football program. I don’t mean the tradition of winning or of having players end us as high draft picks in the NFL. No, I’m referring to the legacy of criminal behavior at FSU that led many to gloss them the Florida State Criminoles. Parker was jailed in Palm Beach County Jail early Tuesday morning after, according to the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office, he was arrested on charges of carrying a concealed firearm and possession of less than 20 grams of marijuana. For years FSU built a rep as a renegade program, stocked full of felons who also ran a 4.4 40-yard dash. For some reason, people in and around the program have demanded that they clean up that habit. Preston Parker is making a stand for the FSU football felons, past present and future, by taking advantage of his status as the team’s best player and its leading felon and landing himself in jail on a completely moronic charge. He held on $4,500 bail for the firearm charge - a felony - and $500 bail for the marijuana charge before being released Tuesday afternoon. The incident that landed him in jail began when a Palm Beach Gardens police officer, according to the probable cause affidavit, became suspicious at around 10:42 p.m. Monday night after spotting Parker's Dodge Charger. The subsequent search of the vehicle turned up a loaded Springfield Armory XD .45 handgun and a bag of marijuana weighing 4.81 grams "wedged" into the vehicle's dash. Dude, any good stoner knows that’s not where you hide your pot. You put in in the center console for easy access, amigo. I do have to wonder when Parker will bust out the standard “It wasn’t my weed” excuse, because without fail every athlete or celebrity found with the hippie lettuce plays that card at some point during their case. For right now Parker is going with a different excuse, telling the arresting officer that a friend bought the gun for him at a gun show but said he did not know about the marijuana. There were three other people in the car, so he does appear set up well to blame one of them for the weed. Actually, one of those three will probably take the fall for him on this one, even if the weed is his. Regardless of the outcome, great thinking by rolling with a loaded gun and a bag of pot in your car, idiot. As if there haven’t been enough athletes involved in shootings recently, so you think it’s smart to roll with a piece? The arrest continues a run of illegal behavior for FSU that will force them to enter the 2008 season without at least six starters available for the first three games after suspensions were handed down for academic misconduct. On top of that widespread breaking of university academic rules, now the Criminoles are breaking gun laws as well. Maybe they really are on their way to reclaiming their status as an elite national program….
- That trip to Chicago for Lollapalooza in August is looking like a dangerous proposition right about now. Over the course of this past weekend, a whopping 36 shootings took place, with nine people killed in those shootings and dozens more injured. City leaders and police are blaming the rash of shootings on a breakdown in discipline among gang members, which seems like one of the all-time great oxymorons. If you’re relying on gang members to stay in their shoes, remain level-headed and do the responsible thing, you’re begging. They’re freaking gang members, after all. They don’t exactly abide by the same rules, norms and laws as the rest of us. There has been a sustained crackdown on gangs in the Chicago area over the past few years, but local leaders now fear that even though many prominent gang leaders have been put behind bars, the violence is making a comeback. Just to be safe, alongside those $10 personal pan pizzas at Lollapalooza, let’s add the $99.95 bulletproof vest as a top item for sale at the festival….
- In case you missed the memo, the phrase “vocal problems” is now code for “I’m a lame karaoke hack with no musical talent of my own and I just plain suck.” Making good use of the code is the publicist for former American Karaoke contestant Jordin Sparks, who has pulled out of upcoming stops as an opening act on Alicia Keys’ current tour, citing the aforementioned “vocal problems.” If only those same “vocal problems” had been properly identified a few years ago, we could have all been saved a lot of trouble. Come to think of it, pretty much every one of those karaoke losers on AK have “vocal problems,” yet not one does anything about it. The tour kicked off over the weekend in Hampton, Va. (still one of the scariest, most ghetto places I’ve ever been), but did so without Sparks and her karaoke act. A spokesman for the record label dumb enough so sign her said it’s so she can take proper care of her voice, but I think she’d be better served by figuring out that her brand of music absolutely blows and trying something new. Sparks plans to rejoin the tour in May, which means the month of April is the best time to catch this tour…..
- God love the Somali pirates, because those guys are back at it, wreaking havoc on the high seas and proving themselves to be truly pirate-y to the core. Just this week, a crew of Somali pirates operating off the coast of what military officials are labeling a “lawless” area hijacked a ship carrying food to their desperately starving country. In the end, Somali military forces were able to recapture the ship and the food, but the ill will from this incident is being directed straight at the U.S. of A. Yes, Somali military officials are accusing our military of failing to combat growing piracy in their region. Seven pirates were arrested in this instance, but apparently the Somali military is on some sort of hell-bent crusade to wipe out pirates. Why, because they steal tons of food earmarked for starving people? Maybe you don’t like their swashbuckling ways, their parrots, peg legs, wenches and making of people to walk the plank? What did pirates ever do to you, Somali military, other than steal food intended to feed your starving citizens? Shiver me timbers, mateys, have a heart and embrace your inner pirate….what is this world coming to when a pirate can’t earn a (dis)honest living without some military bullies trying to harass and arrest him? C’mon, people……
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