- Don’t worry, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, a federal jury may not have believed your story, but I do. Those jurors might have thought you were lying when you said that the escort service you ran for high-end Washington political power brokers wasn’t actually a prostitution ring, but I have no doubt you’re telling the truth. If you say that in any instance where your hookers, er, escorts engaged in sex, they did so without your knowledge, then I believe you. After all, what pimp/owner of an escort service makes a point of knowing what their employees are up to. What responsible, reputable operator of such a business meddles in the affairs of those they employ and makes sure that they aren’t engaging in illegal activities? Oh wait, that’s right, any reputable escort service would do that (not that there is a wealth of reputable escort services). Let’s face it, D., either you’re lying because you did know what your hookers were doing for men like former Gov. Eliot Spitzer or if you didn’t know, it’s because you didn’t want to know even though you had an idea. I’m going with the former, mostly because with the exorbitant rates your ladies were charging clients, there’s no way you weren’t in on that action. Spitzer’s hooker made $1,000 an hour for sessions with him, but you’re telling me you didn’t know what she was up to? Sorry Deb, but I’m going to have to reverse field here and side with that federal jury. It didn’t help your case when last year you offered to sell your phone records to anyone willing to pay in order to raise money for your defense. That move made you look cheap, trashy and desperate. Oh, and calling what you and your hookers did a “legal, high-end erotic fantasy service” is the dumbest thing since terming a drug dealer as a “dispenser of necessary-but-illegal pharmaceutical supplies.” By definition, erotic fantasies involve sex, you tool. No dude is going to pay what you were charging to be teased and not get some. Have fun in the sentencing phase of your trial, Deb, maybe once you get to prison you can experience a whole new kind of erotic fantasy service courtesy of your cellmate….
- Bruce Springsteen, working man’s hero and friend to all Americans, welcome aboard the B.O. train. Yes, the Boss has officially thrown his support behind Barack Obama and more importantly against the terror that is Hank Clinton, saying that Obama “speaks to the America I’ve envisioned in my music for the past 35 years.” Yeah, whatever. I don’t really care why Springsteen is supporting Obama, I just care that someone else with at least a minor impact on voters is making the right decision. The announcement was made in a letter posted on the Boss’ website, a letter that also ripped the W. administration for the “terrible damage” it has done over the past eight years. Actually, the Boss has been working on behalf of us downtrodden Americans for a while now, having taken part in the Vote for Change tour back in 2004 along with the E Street band, a tour that vehemently (and unsuccessfully) opposed the disastrous re-election of the worst president in the history of the United States. So with the Pennsylvania primary looming next week and the Democratic nomination close to being decided, I thank Bruce Springsteen for supporting Obama, opposing Clinton and continuing to be a hero for the average American…..
- This may amaze you, but the FBI is fighting against a new bill that would further tighten restrictions on surveillance of Americans’ private records. Big Brother has a problem with not being able to cross all sorts of legal and ethical lines in order to invade the privacy of its own citizens? No way. FBI general counsel Valerie Caproni made the bureau’s case to a House oversight panel this week, claiming that the FBI has already tightened up its own rules in order to prevent the use of national security letters as a means to invade the privacy of private citizens. Caproni tried to argue that the agency’s attempts to clean up problems outlined in internal reports have been successful and that additional legislation is unnecessary. National security letters are used to compel businesses to turn over customer information without a judge’s order or subpoena, so you can imagine that their use needs to be tightly regulated. You’ll have to excuse those of us who don’t believe what you’re selling, FBI. You do specialize in deception, misdirection and double talk, so why don’t you back off and allow some further measures to be put in place to curb your blatant abuses of power? You need help to kick this habit, FBI, so allow Congress to provide that assistance.
- Allow me to go on record as saying that I just don’t get the Chad Johnson situation going on right now in Cincinnati. Johnson is demanding a trade from the only professional team he’s ever known, the Bengals, saying he wants to be traded before the NFL Draft on April 26 or immediately afterward. The trade demands are not new for the man who glossed himself Ocho Cinco in 2006, but the ferocity and intensity of the demands is at an all-time high. For months now, Ocho Cinco has been making noise about wanting out of Cincinnati, but his reasoning for the request is unclear and muddled at best. He’s a beloved player in Cincy, a guy whose flamboyant style includes hilarious touchdown celebrations, publicity stunts and entertaining hijinks. It’s never come from a place of malice or ill will, simply from a fun-loving, easy going style that made O.C. the fan favorite he’s been. But with the Bengals significantly underachieving the past two seasons, the atmosphere in Cincinnati has changed and Johnson has seen his share of the criticism. He’s vacillated between staying true to his fun-loving ways and trying to be quieter and less colorful (at the request of his coach, Marvin Lewis) before deciding that being quiet and less colorful was hurting his game. Now, Ocho Cinco feels like he’s getting too much of the blame and criticism for the team’s shortcomings and he’s not willing to accept it anymore. He wants out, even though the team has him under a long-term contract and has shown no willingness to trade one of the NFL’s best receivers. The irony here is that before his temper tantrum, Johnson wasn’t getting that much blame or criticism. He was getting some, but not more than a prominent member of an underachieving team deserves. After his I-want-a-trade fit, he is getting ripped by Bengals fans and many people in and around the NFL, but now he actually deserves it. This is coming from a guy who absolutely loved Ocho Cinco’s act before the past few weeks, especially his fun, creative touchdown celebrations that included doing a Riverdance parody, giving CPR to the ball and using an end zone pylon as a putter to “putt” that ball a la Tiger Woods. A word of advice for you, Chad: you’re not going to be traded. You can promise to not report to training camp or to any team activity with the Bengals, but they’re not trading you. All you’re doing at this point is creating a worse situation for yourself in Cincinnati when you do take the field again. Stop pouting, go in and confront your issues directly and find a way to move on, my man.
- Did I miss this part of NAFTA, or did we just not include the exportation of political corruption to our neighbors to the south as an official part of that treaty? Americans have long known how to make use of bribes as a means for achieving political ends, but now Mexico looks like it is coming into its own as a society of bribe makers and takers. According to a new study by the nonprofit group Transparency Mexico, Mexicans spent $2.58 billion on bribes in 2007, a 42 percent increase over what they spent on bribes just two years ago. The number of bribes also increased from 115 million in 2005 to 197 million in 2007, so clearly, Mexico is making a concerted effort to ensure that no one is excluded from the bribing process. That;s right, don’t discriminate or exclude, Mexico. Allow everyone to get in on the corruption, regardless of social class or status. Heck, if Mexico keeps becoming Americanized in things like bribes and corruption, pretty soon there will be no need for illegal immigrants to storm the border because they’ll have a damn good replica of the U.S. right where they are.
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