- Quick question, America: Which is more terrifying to you,
a) a creepy clown or b) a man with a snake? If you took more than half a second
to answer that question, then you are a sick, sick freak and you really need
some psychological counseling. The answer, as always, is the clown. It’s really
redundant to write “creepy clown” because clowns are, by their very nature,
creepy to the core. So hearing that North Dakota police say they are
investigating a menacing report involving a clown and a man with a snake
teaming up to scaring local children is horrifying, but the guy with the snake
is the far less terrifying portion of the story. We’ve all known Snake Guy at
some point in our life, usually in college when he insists that everyone who
visits the off-campus house he shares with four other dudes come to his room
and watch him feed a live mouse to his pet snake. According to police, this
unsavory situation featured the clown and his weirdo friend, along with a boa
constrictor about 3-to-4-feet-long. Amazingly, cops were able to track both men
down and the duo could now face a felony charge of terrorizing children.
Witnesses told police that the men approached the children, politely ask if
they “wanted to see a dead body” and threatened to kill them. What makes this
all humorously pathetic is that when the children fled, the two men walked back….TO
THEIR OWN FREAKING APARTMENT IN A NEARBY BUILDING. Yes, they were too stupid to
even commit their moronic act in a place far enough from their home so people couldn’t
watch them walk back to their dwelling and tell police where to find them. Well
done, ass hats, well done…….
- Jack White is trying to do it all. He’s been trying for
some time now, taking part in multiple bands while juggling his solo career,
running a record label and dabbling in other aspects of the entertainment
industry, such as his upcoming documentary series, ‘American Epic.’ The series,
which airs next month, explores the history of the 1920s, in which record
companies traveled across America toting the very first electrical recording
rig in search of new artists. White executive-produced the series along with
Robert Redford and T Bone Burnett and now that its debut is near, White has
also released details for the soundtrack, on which he will play a part
alongside an impressive list of artists that includes Alabama Shakes, The Avett
Brothers, Beck, Merle Haggard, Los Lobos, Lost Bayou Ramblers, Taj Mahal,Nas,
Willie Nelson and Raphael Saadiq, among others. This will be a colossal
monstrosity of a project, including a 100-song box set, original archived
recordings and studio performances from ‘The American Epic Sessions.” Pairing a
new series with an extended companion soundtrack such as this is a great way to
maximize profits and coax every last ounce of fan interest out of it and the
soundtrack is such an undertaking that it will be released by Legacy
Recordings, Columbia and White’s record label Third Man Records. One record
label clearly wasn’t enough to handle all of this, even if White seems
determined to handle just about every aspect of every project his ever-evolving,
expanding career comes to include…….
- The Chestnuts? Seriously, newly arrested drug smugglers
taken down by Spanish police in raids carried out in cooperation with Morocco? The
real reason to be upset here isn't that 30 drug smugglers were arrested to bust
a ring that introduced hashish across the Strait of Gibraltar, although good,
law-abiding citizen etiquette would demand that we all say hash is bad. No, don’t
be upset that a unit of 150 agents raided 21 homes and warehouses in southern
Spain early on Sunday, after which Moroccan police followed up by capturing the
gang's leader and several other members who had fled from the raids. Be upset
that a gang of people who apparently tried to position themselves as a legit
criminal outfit couldn’t come up with a better name than "The
Chestnuts" ("Las Castanas" in Spanish). Sure, it’s difficult to
agree on a nickname when your enterprise is comprised of both Spaniards and
Moroccans, meaning the language barrier could be an issue. But how the hell do
you settle on The Chestnuts? The chestnut isn't even the most intimidating nut
you could have chosen - everyone knows the walnut wins that battle 11 times out
of 10. The name of your gang shouldn’t make people chuckle when they hear of
its downfall and unless you’re smuggling all manner of spices and fresh fruits
across the water, The Chestnuts cannot be an option. According to police, this
poorly named outfit used small inflatable boats with powerful motors to smuggle
the drugs into Spain from Morocco, bringing hashish to the masses…….
- There are few crueler things an employer can do than allow
an employee to pour countless hours of overtime and sweat equity into a
project, only to break said employee off unceremoniously the instant said
project is done, with a chance to see it through to its final result. Now-former
Buffalo Bills general manager Doug Whaley knows the feeling well because less
than 24 hours after he and his staff completed the team’s draft, a process in
which they invested thousands of man hours over the course of months and one
they hoped would push the team over the playoff hump and back into the
postseason after finishing 7-9 last season. The Bills were 30-34 in Whaley's
four seasons as general manager and had just one winning season as they extend
their postseason drought to 17 seasons. Firing the GM and his staff after that
sort of run isn't a surprise, but allowing them to conduct the draft and shape
the team’s future while you knew someone else would be dealing with the fruits
of that draft seems both confused and short-sighted. "After a thorough
review of our football operations over the past several months, Kim [Pegula]
and I informed Doug this morning that we will be moving in a new
direction," Bills co-owner Terry Pegula said in a statement. "We have
enjoyed working with Doug. He is a good person and we want to thank him for his
work and commitment to our football team. This was my decision. It was not an
easy decision but I believe it's the right one for the future of the Buffalo
Bills.” With Whaley and the entire
scouting staff gone, Pegula refused to say exactly why they were fired, but
admitted that there were “ a few tears around the building, to be honest with
you.” That’s fitting, because there have been lots of tears shed by Bills fans
over the past 17 seasons………
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