A stupid race car driver, Ohio lets America down and a new football league folds before it begins

- Now I know that not only are NASCAR drivers not athletes, they’re also not very intelligent. I’ve always maintained that driving a car around in circles, making only left turns without signaling, cutting off other drivers and going really fast makes you an athlete, then myself and tens of millions of Americans are athletes every day when we get into our cars and hit the freeway. But NECKCAR driver Ryan Newman is proving my point that not only are drivers not athletes, they’re also clueless and more than a little dumb. When asked recently why he considers NECKCAR drivers to be athletes, here was his response: “Because we are. Are poker players athletes? Yeah, they are. Because it is a sport. Not just poker players, but any thing that requires physical and mental characteristics to be able to beat your competitors, if you're shooting a basketball through a hoop or driving a golf ball down a fairway - it's athleticism and therefore it defines it as a sport and a sport makes it's competitors an athlete. I don't think that there is any sport out there that doesn't have athletes competing in it. Obviously some athletes are better than others, but what we do mentally and physically behind a wheel is true athleticism. Now, am I in the same tip-top shape as Tiger Woods or Tom Brady? Probably not, but we are for what we do. I think it would take those guys some training to do our job as much as we would theirs.” Hey R., I’ve got bad news for you. An activity necessitating training to complete it does not a sport make. I couldn’t do brain surgery or construct a particle accelerator either, but that doesn’t make those activities sports nor does it make people who do them athletes. Old people compete at Bingo at their local Catholic churches and their game requires they use physical and mental characteristics and abilites to defeat competitors. You think they’re athletes and that Bingo is a sport? You assertion that poker is a sport sinks your argument as well, ass hat. Dudes sitting around in ugly Hawaiian shirts, smoking cigars, wearing sunglasses with crazy animal patterns on the lenses to hide their eyes and playing cards is not a sport. If you can get drunk, get fatter and get older and still be just as good at something, it’s not a sport. The game of poker doesn’t require strength (well, you have to be able to lift cards weighing .00000001 pounds), speed, agility, quickness, leaping ability or coordination. It’s not a sport and neither is your sorry excuse for a competition. Nice try, NECKCAR driver, but stick to the shallow end of the intellectual pool where you stand a chance.

 

- I am sorry America, I truly am. But I did everything in my power to make sure than the biggest threat to our nation’s well being in this election year, the possibility of a Hank Clinton presidency, did not happen. My home state of Ohio had its primary Tuesday and when all the chips had settled and the ballots had been counted, my fellow Ohioans inexplicably handed a primary victory to that militant femi-Nazi. Hank scares the crap out of all of us, so maybe Ohioans were just so terrified that they voted for Hank in the hopes of not having that dude track them down and hurt them if they had voted for Barack Obama. Hank’s 56 percent-42 percent win is bad news for all of us, but let’s just be thankful that her wins in Ohio, Rhode Island and in the Texas primaries were not enough for her to overtake Obama. She still needs a minor miracle to win the nomination for the Democratic Party, as she trails in the overall delegate count by a margin of XXX-XXX. States like Indiana, Kentucky and Wyoming still have their primaries coming up, as does Mississippi, a state my man B.O. should dominate because it is a heavily African-American state. All told, Tuesday was a day that kept Hank Clinton’s hopes for the presidency alive for now, but it did not make her the frontrunner she once was and for that we can all be grateful. As for Ohio choosing Hank by a 14 percent margin, again I apologize, America…..

 

- Big record label politics strike again. Warner Music Group and the company’s Atlantic Reocrds label stand accused of taking advantage of the little guy, which of course neeeever happens. Massive corporate machines never screw people over who are too small or don’t have the resources to fight them, right? Not if you ask songwriter/producer Linda Perry. Perry is suing Warner Music Group for not turning over millions of dollars in royalties from the debut album of her protégé, English singer James Blunt. Blunt’s debut album “Back to Bedlam” sold more than 11 million copies worldwide; the lead single "You're Beautiful" soared to the top of charts worldwide. Atlantic has grossed more than $100 million dollars in sales from Blunt, according to documents in Perry’s lawsuit. Blunt isn’t being accused of anything here because both Perry and Warner/Atlantic agree Blunt has nothing to do with the dispute. Everything centers on Perry's California-based record company, Custard, which has filed suit against Warner Music Group and is seeking lost royalties and $5 million in punitive damages through the suit, filed Tuesday in Manhattan federal court.

“Atlantic's wrongdoing follows the far too familiar scenario involving a large multinational corporate record company which takes advantage of a small, independent production company after the production company presents the major label with a promising new artist,” the lawsuit said. In other words, Atlantic saw something it liked and since it’s the biggest kid on the block, it stole Perry’s lunch money and shoved her into the mud puddle. Warner Atlantic sees it differently, with Warner Music Group spokesman Will Tanous going the phony, “We meant to harm, we respect and like her” roué by saying that Atlantic valued its relationship with Perry. “Custard has always been and will continue to be compensated in accordance with the terms of its contractual arrangement with Atlantic,” he said. Way to not actually address the issue and give a non-responsive reply, Willy. Perry’s claim is based on the fact that after discovering Blunt in 2003, she signed him to her label and delivered “Back to Bedlam” to Atlantic, which initially showed a “general lack of support” for the album, according to the suit. She went on to claim that had it not been for her and her record company, “it is likely that Blunt's album would never have been released and no one would ever have known who he was,” according to the suit. Hmm, big, corporate label that regularly muscles lesser people and entities around to get what it wants vs. a small-time record company….I’m going to side with Perry here and say that ultimately, she’s either going to win the case or more likely, Warner/Atlantic will offer her a settlement in which the company doesn’t actually admit to any wrongdoing but amazingly is still willing to settle in the interest of ending the dispute. Gawd, I hate big corporate companies who think they can do whatever they want…..

 

- Brace yourself for some shocking news, America. The new All American Football League will have to postpone its 2008 season unless it finds new financial backing. The AAFL was looking to become the latest pro football league to challenge the NFL in this country, coming up on the heels of previous failed endeavors like the USFL back in the ‘80s. The AAFL now has run into financial problems before it could even open training camps in its first season, which is pathetic even by poseur pro football league standards. The announcement that the inaugural season is in peril came less than a week before camps were to open for the six-team league. The league held its inaugural draft in January and has rosters and staffs in place for six teams: Detroit; Little Rock, Ark; Gainesville, Fla.; Birmingham, Ala.; Knoxville, Tenn., and Houston.

Before deciding that they were out of money, the AAFL’s training camps were scheduled to open Wednesday, followed by the first games in April. Of course, they’re delusional enough to think that they just need more time to work this out and the league will push its plans back to 2009 unless it secures a TV deal or other funding. Right, because another year is going to be enough time to sell everyone on watching subpar rosters filled with NFL rejects and has-beens play B-level football. But kudos to those running the AAFL for having the balls to announce Thursday they are exploring “multiple financing options” to address the AAFL’s funding crisis. I didn’t know scouring under the cushions on your office couches for spare change, selling candy bars door to door and having car washes at the local middle school were considered “multiple financing options.” Theoretically, the AAFL was looking to fill the void created when the NFL shut down NFL Europe earlier this year after 16 seasons. Maybe the organizers of the AAFL didn’t pay attention to the fact that NFL Europe was shut down because the league was losing a reported $30 million a season. Heck, NFL Europe even had a TV deal, something the AAFL doesn’t have. Why? Because the networks, as dumb as they are, realize that no one wants to watch a second-rate football league and no advertisers would buy time during such broadcasts.  The kicker in all of this is that, according to a statement released by the league, the AAFL's financial crisis is tied to the national subprime mortgage crisis. League CEO Marcus Katz co-founded a company that provides student loans. Great, so the student loan crisis in this country is sinking your league. Don’t remember the NFL, NBA or MLB ever having that problem. Heck, even a fringe league like Major League Soccer doesn’t have that kind of trouble….

 

- IMAX/3=D movies normally make me nauseous and give me headaches (literally), so if I’m recommending one, you know it has to be good. To put up with feeling a little queasy, a movie had better be great. U2 3D is just that, featuring one of the planet’s greatest rock bands in concert in a way that will give you a whole new appreciation for Bono and the boys. The film is straightforward and the producers basically allow the power of U2’s live show to come through the screen with a minimum of gimmicks and gadgets. It’s not a documentary or a behind-the-scenes look with band members piping in with their own thoughts; it’s a concert in 3-D form on the big screen and it rocks. You get the chance to feel like you’re right in the audience during classic, iconic songs like Sunday Bloody Sunday, New Year’s Day, Pride (In the Name of Love and Where the Streets Have No Name. All told, the movie is a brief 90 minutes, but it packs a lot into that short time. For fans who can’t afford to pay upwards of $100 a ticket to see U2 in person when they come to town on tour, it’s a great alternative. Plus, when you compare it to a lot of the crappy movies currently playing to half-empty theaters in our nation’s metroplexes, it’s a great reason to head to the theater.